Saturday, January 31, 2009
so for the past two days i have been sitting at the hospital....several months ago my friend becca asked me to be her birthing coach....mainly i think because her husband had taken a job in another town and she wasnt sure if he would make it in time if she went into labor..... after 2 almost full days of breathing and pushing and pain....baby payton was born at 9:50 pm january 30, 2009....having only been on the giving end of birth and not ever seeing it from any other angle, the whole experience was fascinating...of course no one wants to see her friend in pain and becca was in a lot of pain....i thoroughly enjoy and was honored to be a part of the whole experience....it was amazing and fascinating and wonderful to be a part of something so ordinary and so monumental.... my baby is already 14 and in high school with a very nice boy who seems to like her...and she has grown so fast in front of me and at times i still see her as a little girl....so to see someone starting that journey and a journey becca so wanted is hopeful and delicate and something i appreciate more than anybody really knows....
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
i'm not all that sure i like this new layout but we'll try it out for awhile... in other news, i am now officially a runner...i dont know what makes it official except that i have been running for 60 minutes for a few weeks...today i ran 4.5 miles in 60 minutes...before there were days i couldnt imagine even wanting to run for 60 minutes. but i'm challenging myself...running used to be something other people did and by other people i mean skinny people....but i know lots of non-skinny people who run so why cant i?
Monday, January 26, 2009
i love being a stay at home housewife without the husband.... i do what i want...of course i have to make some rules for myself about what gets done in a day but i do what i want when i want and it never involves leaving my house! why does that seem so joyful? because i havent worked at home since 2004? i love to work at home...i like to take breaks when i want to and be super productive when the mood hits me...sometimes i can do 3 days worth of work in a six hour stretch when the mood strikes (or the pressures on;)) i like to make tea and sit in the tub in the middle of the day. i like to change clothes if the ones i have on dont work for me...i like to paddle around in my new pink walmart slippers....like to listen to the tv when i am typing....and i like to sleep with my dog until 9 am....i realize that my life is pretty charmed right now and i am grateful for the opportunity to heal and grow on my own terms. tomorrow i think i will bake a cake...
so things have been going well...i'm coming up with a plan and focusing on how i can do what i want to do with as little work as possible...i got turned down for 3 jobs this week...and really i dont even care.... because i have faith that i can make things happen the way i want them to at least for a little while.... so i'm cool...i've got plans and i have asked people to help me implement those plans.... last week a sweet old lady that i like died....thats obviously a natural theme where i live.... whats not a natural theme though is the evil that people are...i ran into someone that i havent seen in a long time...pre-breakup even....and she asked me about jb and how i was...i just said i broke up with him about 4 months ago....she said....but of course you're happier right? and the answer in honest terms is ....i dont think so...no i'm not happier without him...its part of the struggle i'm having...i know i cant go back but i'm not happier without him...did she ask me if my life is less stressful without him? no and if she did thats a different answer....yes my life is less stressful...but no its not any happier than it was when i was with him...why? i think because the things that make me happy on a daily basis, he knew how to address and did...its the big picture that we didnt have...whats worse though is that this person was really hoping that i would say "YES MY LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT HIM!!!!!" so she could go on and on about how much she didnt like him and what a piece of shit he was etc etc etc....and i didnt give her that in my answer....its funny because i mentioned this whole conversation to my friend mo and she said " i bet she was disappointed in your answer" and for real, she was....and i wasnt...i dont think i should have to lie to make other people feel ok...its part of the secrets bullshit that i no longer choose to participate in....no i am not happier without him....yes i do still miss him....my life is different...i cant say better or worse...just different...i know what i want....and i no longer am willing to compromise....or be who i am not...last week i saw his daughter...i talked to her because what else should i do...ignore her...i loved that little girl for 11 years....maybe she didnt love me back but that doesnt excuse my feelings for her....she seemed surprised..and i dont care...i do keep up on what she does...thats what we talked about...she seemed surprised but kind of relieved....she and my own daughter are innocent bystanders of our own mess....i dont stop loving a kid just because her dad said so.... just like obama...when you take someone as your family you dont just let them fade away...i cant be as active or as influential in her life as i would like to be but i can give her what i can, when i can....and i feel that way toward all his family....i want the best for her...i want her life to be better....i want her to be the best she can be...even if no one else believes that for her.... so i keep trucking along knowing that my wishes are ok and worthwhile....and that some peoples are not and thats ok....
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
On this very historic inauguration day, i thought this is an important story too....when sonny and mary took him as their son, he has a duty to them forever, as their son...its not fleeting or casual, its deep and meaningful and lasting. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/19/AR2009011903235.html?referrer=facebook
Monday, January 19, 2009
grieving and healing is the same f-ing rollercoaster that the actual thing i am grieving was and possibly more... on any given day of the seven i may feel exactly like this or any week may be a combination of all seven or one of each or a sprint of several...its like going to wendys and picking my combo meal items....only its the combo meal of emotions and i might need to biggie size the wellbutrin....and order a frosty of pinot grigio.... sundays--i rest and try to put it out of my head because i know whats coming. monday--i still love him and miss him tuesday--i hate him and all the shitty things he did wednesday--who? thursday--i love and hate him but dont miss him.... friday--i hope he's doing well for ten seconds and then move on with my own thoughts. saturday--i hope i can go to barnes and n0ble or the good food store without incident... somedays are more venomous than others some are more sappy and somedays the whole thing doesnt get more than ten minutes...its a stressful ten minutes but thats what it gets...somedays it gets the whole 24 hours, even in my sleep.... i would like to try a different combo meal possibly from a different place....
Sunday, January 18, 2009
i know that overall my life is going really well...i'm not dying, i havent had to really work and i'm getting to focus on myself....but i feel very alone in the sense of mourning whats happening in my life....it seems stupid to me, and i do mean stupid, that most days, i feel like i am the only one who misses that relationship. including the other participant. i know its possibly unreasonable but i guess that i dont know that its probably unreasonable...the difficulty right now isnt that the feeling is rational, its just that its the overwhelming feeling...how did this start after i have been feeling so strong and on track? his cousin invited me to be her friend on myspace. i was looking through her pictures and there was a picture, taken very recently, of him and he looked so happy. it wasnt the imagined-put-on happy, it was a look of happiness i havent seen on him in a long time and whats worse i guess is that i begrudge him that. of course i say i want him to be happy and i want him to find what and who makes him happy. but if i'm honest, i guess i wish i knew that all of this hurts him as much as it hurts me and i dont know that and because i know the situation, i dont believe that. and not only does it make me feel stupid, its makes me feel alone....why do i always feel like the only one invested? why do i feel like the only one who really put ten years of their life in, only to have to walk away into nothing and with nothing.... i dont even have to ask people( and believe me, i really dont ask) and everyone tells me "oh he seems really happy, he seems really great" and i feel sad because i dont feel really happy or really great. it also makes me feel responsible in away that i dont usually feel. and i reply thats great, i'm glad for him because part of me is and part of me isnt.... the first time we broke up, i tried to get through by telling myself "he's not sitting at home crying over me, why should i do the same?" and that was true of the situation....he moved on and while it hurt, it made me have to move on too, maybe not to someone new but at least to the next section of my life. i dont know whats going on in his life, because i dont ask anybody...not because i dont want to know but more because i dont want to seem like i want to know and because if i know, it might hurt me even more than not knowing...foolish i realize but at some point in feeling so alone, i feel really like i have to protect myself. it goes back to moments like the phone call....i would answered and i would have talked to him if he had called me...and even if he called me back i would have answered. but reciprocation isnt there and maybe never was....i know he'll never call....it goes back to knowing him and knowing that somehow he can walk away from all of this into whatevers next....in any other situation, i admired that ability...but in being the recipient, its more difficult that even the worst moments of the actual relationship. like i said, this blog isnt always for the exact uplifting tidbit, its really for me to work through all the thoughts in my head including those like this...where a person stands on the edge looking back and has to ask herself what was that? and how do you tell if it even mattered to them?and why does it matter to me that it matter to him? i know rationally that it really shouldnt matter whether or not it matters to him or it hurts him or whatever....but i cant help feeling that way right now.... and whats even sadder is that people dont admit that in their saddest moments, they feel like this too...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i like to read my horoscope...i always have and i read about two of them a day...that doesnt mean i believe every word but its one of those things where i say..what can it hurt? its interesting that my horoscope has been very on lately...my astrology also seems to go very closely with my chinese calendar (see i told you). todays seems exceptionally poignant while i am going through some things this week. i continue to believe that prayer is a powerful thing...that wishing good things into the universe is a great gift not just for those wished for but for those wishing. last night i listened to a man speak about a dream he had. in this dream he saw a trail head and that trail was going to take him to "his" place. in his waking life he knew where that trail head was but had never climbed it before. when he got there, a song came to him. while he was telling this, he was overcome by the power of what he said and what following that offering had meant for him...i am warmed to see people who believe so deeply in the gifts they are given and that there is no shame in his opportunity to be thankful for it. where i was last night is important to me, i wasnt raised in that place but i was brought into it and i am greatful to pray with these people. i see men there who emulate the qualities that i seek in a mate and one of them being that i want someone i can pray with like that, someone who even if they have never gone before, will be open to praying with me and with these people and understand the greatness and strength that i believe prayer has. our prayers are all carried up in songs and i also admire a man who is not afraid to sing and hear his own voice. as indian people, we are taught that prayer has existed for us since the beginning of time, since humans were created and before when only animals existed. it is important to ask for our prayers and be mindful of what may come if our prayers are answered. i thought today's horoscope was a point in the direction to be mindful of my requests and make them about me, not about someone else. and while what happened last night shared a lot of similarities with other experiences i have had there with other people, i need to look forward to what i want and be specific and mindful. i know what the past is and i dont want to compare it to my future. because the past had its value but its gone on and i have only the present and the future. Daily Extended for January 15, 2009 (Today) Cancer 6/22 – 7/22 Overview As you embark upon a new relationship or project, it's only natural that a failed relationship or project from the past should enter your mind. But before you start focusing on all the similarities, look at the contrasts! You can't start letting the past cast a shadow over your present -- you need to stay open and positive right now. It can be hard to do push your fears aside, but you can if you push hard enough and often enough. Whenever stinkin' thinkin' pops into your mind, push it out!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
to continue to care? lots of you have gotten my emergency texts about calling jb. and i've avoided it even when i want to the most...for lots of reasons, all of which i'm sure you can imagine. but the other night i couldnt anymore...so i called...and he answered on the last ring just as i was hanging up....i panicked...and finished closing my phone...i called back....no answer...i called again still no answer so i finally left a message...the message was no big deal other than to tell him that i just wanted to know he's ok and sorry that i panicked on the first call. i dont believe there will ever be a reply. somebody asked me why i want to call him after all of this...like i've said before...its difficult to go from being a major part of someone's life to nothing and its equally as difficult to have someone who is so important in your life one day and you cant call them the next.... the advice i've gotten is to think of all the shitty things he's done and i wont want to call him...and sometimes that works...bb's solution is always to remind me of the background noise in his life and believe me, that works everytime...but i still worry...i wish i could believe he still worried too...i know it all takes time...and somedays i dont even know why it matters. i'm not just missing the good times...i'm still missing all of it...in death there are transitions...the disbelief, the grief, the anger and then what? i think its the same in any kind of grief. i dont know how he feels so i cant tell you why he doesnt talk to me or whether or not he feels anything. i only know that little by little i am making new memories...new experiences but it never lets go of the old...i'm not sure how to do that yet. my friend suggested i go back to reading some of my self-help books to get through...i dont know, i read a lot of them in the beginning. i guess the point is that i spent all of yesterday beating myself for being "weak" and trying to call him. and wondering if he saw it as me being weak too...and thinking that the whole universe thinks i'm weak because i called...a whole day spent over what amounts to about a minute. its wasteful and worthless today but theres a tiny thread still standing that says dont call him, dont be weak....its not me trying to get back together with him...i mean certainly i miss him but it wouldnt be different...its me caring about someone and why should i be ashamed of that even if its unwanted and possibly unwarranted....i cant be ashamed to care about a person i've spent a decade caring about. christ, i still get teary over dogs that i've lost. over people dead 20 years. but i'm caring about someone in the present, right now and while i cant always express it to him, i dont think i should have to hide it especially from myself.... miss m says that great relationships are transparent. but i think to get to transparency i have to become transparent myself in how i feel, openly and honestly to myself most of all.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
so i've been thinking about this one alot but last night confirmed my feelings on it... dont bad-mouth your own relative to their ex...i have been avoiding jb's family for the entire four months (its been four months). and last night confirmed why...at the basketball game, i ran into one of his relatives who said " i heard you two arent dating anymore" and i said "yeah its been like four months since we broke up...." them: "how long were you two together?" me: "ten years." them:"its alright, you'll find somebody better." notice they didnt say somebody else they said somebody BETTER.... i think if you know anything about me, you know that loyalty is extremely important to me. so important that it pains me to see other people not be loyal to their own family...i'm of the michael corleone philosophy that i can talk bad about my family if i want to, but if you talk bad about my family, i will beat your ass....and i mean it...that doesnt mean that i dont see my family or my own flaws because i do...but at the end of the day everything i have is because of my family and what i do is for them and i know that if i need them, no matter how much i may think anyone of them is a pain in the ass on any given day, they will be there come hell or highwater....and i'll clarify this: i have a large number of relatives but i dont consider all of them family. my family is very small and very loyal.... this isnt the first time this has happened in regard to my relationship. its the reason i have avoided them, because i knew that would be the response. i appreciated that most of his family liked me...not all and thats ok, because i didnt like some of them, but they are who he considers his family so i was respectful.... but its the 3rd time its happened in two weeks and i really really HAVE HAD ENOUGH. i have countered those comments before...he is a good person with a deep heart and caring far greater than people can believe. some of us were the only people who got to see that.... i didnt want the conversation to go any further...so i moved over to sit with my friends....and i told them what had been said. thank god for mo...who put it all into words for me... she said its insulting not just to him but to me too like i wasted ten years of my life with a bad choice. and its wrong for his family to act like that. loyalty is important and necessary.... i didnt waste ten years...some of the greatest moments of my life happened then. we just wanted different things and who can fault people for knowing what they want? maybe them saying that is intended to make things easier but i dont know how...it doesn't make me feel better...it only makes me sadder and still protective. once someone very close to him said something very similar and i felt like i had to tell him. at the time i felt like disclosure was necessary as part of a transparent relationship but i also know that i told him partly to hurt him, to show him that other people saw my worth in his life....and after i did it, i felt terrible because i knew that it hurt him even if he didnt want to admit it. for him to know that those people didnt have enough loyalty to say it to him rather than about him hurt him. i still fucking feel terrible for say it and i'm sorry that i ever did. i'm sorry that i used it as a way to hurt him. even if i cant tell him i'm sorry, i am. because intentionally hurting people no matter what, is weak. and weakness is preventable. just keep your lips together until the moment passes...you'll be better for it and so will i.... so if i see your ex...i'm not gonna say oh yeah good job because they sucked and you deserve so much better...even if its the truth...keep it to yourself...why? because people have loyalty even when its sometimes not necessary...if you say it to me, i will still defend him because if i dont it somehow negates my responsibility in my relationship...i was equally as good and equally as at fault for the whole thing...its not all me...and its not all him...how could it be? for the most part people havent said that to me....i have my faults and so did he and because there are two sides to every relationship...who can really lay blame? maybe you didnt love him, maybe his friends didnt love me...but just support me and just support him and dont tell me what a complete asshole he was or maybe what a complete asshole i was, because honestly there is nobody who is harder on themselves about what we did wrong that i am. and nobody misses what we did right as much as i do. i dont need to be reminded....just wish us luck that we can be happy and that things will heal and go on....i'm not hoping for BETTER just different....
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
i've had a lot to say but not anyway to make it come out... my weird dreams are back again... i started to new year with a bunch of my friends that i hope to spend the new year with. my workout partner and the gym guy werent going to let me stay home (and i will admit now, pout and feel sorry for myself). we ended up cruising around checking out different places like the three bears...the first place was too boring, the second place was too sketchy and the third place was just right. we all just sat around and talked, laughed, and didnt have to do much else because that was enough...i miss big groups of people who all joke and laugh and just want to be together....my friends are so scattered that that doesnt happen very often.... the next night rose and i went to the jump dances...the jump dances are held only at this time of year...i'm not an authority on any of it but i know this...the salish people believe that we should make wishes and prayers for the year to come--for ourselves, our families, our tribal people and the world in general....as we dance in the circle each section represents the four seasons and when you dance you are committing to those prayers. the songs sung are songs that are only brought out during this time of year and will be put away before the season is over. its also an affirmative motion to let go of the past and step forward into the future, to "make your tracks". i am always proud of my girl that she remembers that somethings are more important than hanging with her homies all the time...she missed her friends birthday party to be there with me. she also knows that she has a commitment to her little cousins because they look up to her and she shows them that this a good way to live, that being a salish is a good thing to be and that as a family its a good thing to pray together.... plus she can take them to the bathroom.... it was hard too because i am trying to let go of the past, but this ceremony always had a huge significance in my relationship with jb. part of me was afraid he would be there but part of me was sad when he wasnt...he shouldnt miss out on these things just to avoid what will pass as an uncomfortable moment. i dont know that thats the reason he wasnt there but i suspect it might have been. i made many wishes for all of us....and i cried some tears to get there....but all in all, i'm moving right along.