Tuesday, March 31, 2009
its funny how as soon as you say you arent going to do something, you do it...in full force...for no apparent reason. i gave up self sabotage for lent and in the weeks since lent started, i appear to have done nothing but.... it started with me slowly not keeping good track of my food. then to slowing down my workouts, or skipping my workouts. i keep my mileage on a calendar next to my work desk so i can see how much or how little i have done in a week. and its been lacking... then that seemed to give me permission to keep slacking, to eat bad and drink too much... which then somehow all ends in one big berating...part of my need to work out has been to get out of my mind, to stop listening to the voices that tell me i cant or better yet tell me even if i do, i'll still suck. lately i seem to be struggling with the rejection part of the grieving process. its been an underlying current all the way through this but i didnt want to admit it until now. i know there are viable, reasonable answers for all of the questions i ask myself but it never stops the current of rejection that i feel. i ask myself and others....i gave everything, he gave nothing and yet he doesnt want me...he can still walk away cleanly and happily and keep going on about his life. and he has. i know that i'm the one who ended it but it still feels as though he rejected me not the other way around. its been nothing but a huge emptiness. even when i can talk about, i know that it wasnt a good place for me to be, it wasnt transparent and the more i find out, the less trust i should have given him. but it doesnt reduce the amount of rejection i feel. and its a really lonely kind of rejection....i keep wanting an answer i know isnt coming. i used to talk to my therapist about wanting to just know why and she reminded me that i may never know and even if i did, how would it matter, why would it matter, it wouldnt change how things ended or were in our relationship. there are things i have been putting off doing for the last 6 months or so, just in case, in case of what i dont know...maybe that we could be friends, because i know theres no reconciliation. i know that if i proceed with those things it will seal the final nail and maybe thats what i have been afraid of. but i realize i'm still trying to give to someone who not only doesnt want it but wont give anything back...ever....period....so its time to address those things. soon. and know what i know on the face of things, that after that, theres no turning back. so today i'm resolving just to get through today...no big heroic deeds have to get done, no deep liberating feelings have to be accomplished. i just need to get from here to there without destroying the accomplishments i have.
Monday, March 23, 2009
so for all of this time i have really tried to be civil about this whole breakup...somehow civil means to not badmouth or even lay blame or possibly criticize....and deep inside maybe wish for reconciliation or at least friendship....and well, fuck....i'm over that...now...today.... i know that some of you have things that you didnt say out of respect for me...maybe not respect for him but for me you didnt badmouth him...you didnt tell me other things or there were things you assumed i knew....i would ask you as my friends to assume this....that i knew nothing...tell me everything...because as i put all the pieces together....and really i am on the need to know basis right now...it helps me keep perspective...it helps me be real...it helps me stay in the present and not go back to the past...the present says you are exactly where you need to be...the past says maybe i should have done something different .....and right now i am not willing to listen to the past.... its hard to separate myself from the last ten years but the further i delve....the more i know...the more i learn that i was the only one invested...i was the only one who gave a shit....and why should i deny that i am now angry about that? because before i was embarrassed by the fact that i gave all this time, all this love, all this energy to someone who didnt feel the same.....it made me feel stupid for investing everything i had into someone who didnt even let me know who he really was....as i put the pieces together now...i'm starting to see who he was.... in the last post i admitted that i believe in signs...i do and today was full of them...signs that i should have paid attention to...signs that i saw over the last ten years and ignored...signs that are now so obvious that i cant ignore them anymore without admitting my stupidity....fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me....fooling me 3 times makes me stupid....which i just refuse to be. dont be afraid to tell me....because i need to know...spring is here and new life begins....mine yours and everything around us...it doesnt always pay to be polite or considerate of someone who doesnt deserve my loyalty... i need to know...
the marathon... well since rose is in track we agreed to run bloomsday together...i really do love that she is old enough to pursue things with like races but still my baby enough to need her momma.... we used to do races together before but we would run part of it and walk part of it and i was always worried about working her too hard...now i think she's worried about working me too hard....i love that girl... today at track practice she got athlete of the week....and she deserves it...her gift to me is to always show me that she puts everything she has into what ever she is doing (except maybe the housework but you know housework isnt high on the list of things to be done well). she works hard, she trains hard and she is dedicated...and i admire and feel like it makes me step up more because i need to show her that i am dedicated too... last night on the biggest loser, the teams had to run a 1/2 marathon which is what i agreed to do in the summer. some people call those coincidences...i call them signs...i saw so many of them finish what they started in 3 hours 2 hours whatever....i know i can...because there is a voice out there telling me i cant....its a voice that may belong to me....or you...or somebody else from my life...and everyday i hear that voice....so i work up to not hearing it...or proving it wrong.... i'm treating myself to a heart rate monitor and a good sports bra and we're onto race season. i need a good trainer...not a jillian but a bob...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Three jobs I have had in my life:1. picture framer 2. Short order cook3. judge Three places I have lived:1. Lodge Grass, MT is my home 2. D.C. 3. St. Ignatius,MT Three favorite drinks1. tea 2. wine 3. Water ( the holy trinity) Three TV shows that I watch:1. Beverly Hills, 90210 (so?) 2. CSI-Miami 3. Bizarre Foods Three places I have been:1. New Zealand (arohanui, whanua) 2. Hawaii (2 islands) 3.Albuquerque People that e-mail me more often than other people:1. Some guy name Michael Vincent who emails me about jobs in the spambox (and other dirty things;)) 2. My auntie Lindo 3. karen Three of my favorite foods:1. meat 2. huckleberries 3. wine is a food Three things I am looking forward to:1. sleeping 2. becoming famous (it doesnt matter how) 3. meeting the man of my dreams like my horoscopes keep saying.... Three names people call me:1. LD ( i like that one best) 2. Auntie Bean (as i have said before, no you may not...if you are under the age of 18...by all means...) 3.Dena...seems like only my family calls me this.... big kisses peeps....
Thursday, March 12, 2009
not that you care but you should know: 1. i hate the movie the princess bride...no matter how many times i try...i hate it...that also goes for pulp fiction and the royal tennebaums....i've tried in several different moods to watch and i cant. 2. there are lots of movies i could watch over and over and over again...god bless tnt and tbs for always playing them....spanglish, the godfather, the american president and i will admit, i still watch dirty dancing... 3. i once dated a man who said i watched "films" not movies and alleged that i was a cinema snob....yeah ok...whatever....ok maybe...i have seen A LOT of foreign films and i like them...subtitles dont bother me and if i dont feel like reading them...then i watch tnt.... 4. i dont like cowboy movies...now rodeo movies thats a different story... 5. i once made a movie...i was the unit production manager for a production company out of la. i loved movie making and the movie actually won some awards but when it came time to decide to commit to it (which meant moving to LA) well, i couldnt do it...i had a relationship, a child and a letter of acceptance to the law school of my choice....sometimes i had to pick the sure thing and i dont regret it.... 6. for all the movies i love....i actually think the last adult movie i saw in the theater was no country for old men which would have been last winter....i did take rose to see wall-e which she loved and i hated... 7. i'm hauling myself to see slumdog millionaire this weekend if i can...i dont usually buy into the movie/oscar/ pr hype...i actually avoid those movies until much later when i can see them without being surrounded by other opinions but there are some movies i just want to see... 8. i dont like to eat the movie popcorn but sometimes do because rose likes it...i prefer the nachos with the extra pickled jalapenos...if i'm gonna splurge thats what i want.... 9. i miss that rose doesnt want to see all the kiddy movies anymore... 10. she laughs because i thought harry potter's 200 movies were a little scary. 11. one of my top redeeming cool mom qualities right now is that i knew one of the project runway producers...we worked on the movie together and she's from missoula. 12. 2 seasons ago i saw a friend i had lost touch with on the Kay jewelers christmas commercial.... 13. one of my summer camp homies is a huge porn star.... like fan club famous...its weird and cool and still weird.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
but sometimes i have to honestly wonder if any of this, if any of our time together, if feeling like my heart is so broken i cannot fix it...even matters to him....i would like to pretend it does and knowing him as well as i do....i would still like to pretend it does...but somehow i cant guarantee that...and it makes me sad....
often i think about topics i want to write about. then i dont...at least for a while...so some nights, i get a wild hair and a glass of wine to sit down and write out all of the things in my head. but it gets late and i have to sleep...so always know that there is lots more coming.
even though there are things people dont want to talk about like death...its going to happen. when you have a child you dont have the luxury of denial and believe me, denial is a luxury...so last week, i told my family what i want to happen to me when i die. i knew a girl who died at 25 who had it all planned out...it was in a letter in her top dresser drawer....when she died, i think it was a huge asset to her family to have those wishes out there...so that they didnt have to make actual decisions as much as they had to follow them... i have songs and food and clothes and issues about burial that i want honored. as i told them, they dont have to like them, they just have to follow them...i picked my pallbearers, my clothes, my services.... today at the gym i ran into one of the men i requested to be a pallbearer. he has no idea but in our brief conversation, i was reminded why i chose him.... i know that he will honor me in that walk to the end because he honored while we walked here together now. as a lawyer but more importantly as a part of a community that deals with death on the most hands-on level...plan...make your wishes known...because at the end the people to make decisions are the ones who are already suffering the most....help them then, just as you would help them now.
Last Friday I finally decided to go out with my friends…to be proactive and call people and make plans…so I did. I met one friend for a beer and he suggested we do the art walk in Missoula. While at the Missoula Art Museum, we ran into some of my other friends…one woman in particular that I’ve always wanted to hangout with more….so on the fly we decided to have dinner with them which turned into a great evening of wine, food, fun discussions and……committing to run a ½ marathon with her in the summer…. And I don’t regret it….we also planned a book club and a poker night….I remember how much I like to be social but I also remember how hard it is to do some of these things and try to let go of my past. I haven’t had so much fun in a long time though…so I’m continuing to make time to commit to me and part of that is to accommodate my social side with people that I enjoy. The ½ marathon part I’m not really sweating…why? Because in my entire life, for better or for worse, if you told me I couldn’t do something….my response to you…is always the same thing (mature or not) which is fuck you…I’ll show you…it’s the little sister in me who couldn’t play or hangout because I was smaller, or a girl or just not cool….and I still react that way…for better or for worse. So marathon with the girls, here we come….
Lets keep going…last weekend was the 6-month mark. And I would like to pretend to tell you that I’m over it, that its ok, that I’m moving on….but I don’t feel like that…you know the first time around and maybe other times with other men, I’ve felt ok, I’ve felt over it and I never really felt heart broken…. I’ve felt sad and lonely and angry. But it took a good talk with my friend last weekend to be able to admit that I am heart broken…that I never planned a life without him so its like taking all the things you’ve planned, all the dreams you’ve dreamt and then suddenly telling yourself and everybody else (who may or may not be surprised) that “shit, its not gonna happen.” i feel like the second week of a break-up...the first week you are filled with resolve, to move on, that he doesnt deserve you, that you're too good and you will be happier without him...its that second week, when you start to miss him, to wish you could fix it, to possibly want him back, even with the bad and possibly no more good, when you start making deals with yourself about how it will be when you go back if you just act a certain way.....its painful and heart wrenching and sleep depriving....and there is no place for me to go...the only place i feel like i can tell this story is here....i cant tell him which is obvious in that in the six months time he hasnt returned the message i left him nor could he even say hello to me when standing 12 inches from me..... Disappointment I can deal with, it’s the aftermath of having dreamt those dreams….it took me along time to admit my dreams to someone, to have so much faith that I believed I could tell one person all I’ve ever wanted…then to have to wipe all of that out because those dreams and plans involved that person….i think in order to move on i have to admit the heart break, deal with it and in the interim develop new dreams, new goals, new faith in what i can do and want....so if you wonder whats taking me so long...once something is truly broken it takes some time for it to heal.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Somedays i feel like dena-downer...so i hide. but then i realize that what if today is all of me...who i am...what i have to give...and its maybe that feeling of feeling too much that i'm hiding from...and thats all there is....i've been spending alot of time alone...alot of time thinking....i feel like i have to hide my feelings still because i should be onto other things by now...i love youtube...it brought me back to alot of music i love and some i have forgotten i love so much....like the last album johnny cash did before he died...if you dont cry during hurt i dont know what will make you....i had also forgotten that he did a remake of one of my all time favorite songs...the song i had wanted played at my wedding and at my funeral....we all have songs that move us like that...if you have the chance check it out on youtube....but even though the beatles wrote it...johnny cash made it... There are places i'll remember All my life though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends i still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life i've loved them all But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When i think of love as something new Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them In my life i love you more Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them In my life i love you more In my life i love you more
Sunday, March 1, 2009
In the last post, I explained that I am not Catholic but somehow I am the most Catholic of my family. I like church, i like the rosary, i like the hymns....etc...theres a lot of comfort i find in catholicism. i have considered getting baptized but have not gone forward with it yet. a few years ago i read an article in reader's digest about what people give up for lent. the article though discussed not just the idea of sacrifice but also the idea of being pro-active. its jist was that lent was a chance not just to give things up but perhaps to do things that you had never done before. one man decided to visit people in nursing homes for lent as a way to give something rather than give up something. i dont usually talk about what i give up for lent because as in most things, its private to me...i dont want to open the door for discussion or scrutiny or whatever may come with talking about it. but i always do something. this in year in continuing on, i decide to take the ideas that i had read and be proactive about my life during this time. like i said at new year's i've already made my resolutions and many of those involve items that i may have given up for lent in the past. i'm giving up self-sabotage for lent. anyone reading who says what is she talking about....knows exactly what i'm talking about...maybe not what i do but what you do...its the minute you get close to a goal, only to stop and pretend you dont want it anymore...its losing a pound and rewarding yourself with cake, its letting people treat you like shit because somewhere your inner voice said you deserve it. its treating other people like shit because you cant take how bad you feel about yourself. much of what got me to where i was and where i am now is the voice inside my head. there was a time in my life where i was surrounded by alot of negative people who used their bad self-esteem to confirm my bad self-esteem. we become who we surround ourselves with. i have eliminated many of those people from my life, not all of them but most. and the longer i know people, the more i know what to keep from them or share. in recovery they talk about getting honest...getting honest with other people but also getting honest with yourself. while i may not be in recovery for many of the typical issues people think of needing 12 step programs for, i am in recovery for many other things, things you dont know about and things you may come to find out about here. self-sabotage doesnt allow you to be honest with yourself. its the voice that gives you permission to derail yourself from your goals, from what you want with whatever incentive it needs to get you away from it...booze, food, love, unworthiness, lies, truth. sometimes self sabotage gives you what you want by you treating other people shitty or better than or whatever...there are lots of words i dont like to use (for a number of reasons) but its the projection of our own wants and needs and our belief that we are unworthy of having those needs met. i dont like to use the word projection but i know thats part of the ideal that i am giving up. i think internally i have always been a person that believed if i gave what a person needed then i would get back what i needed. but the problem was that i didnt give myself what i needed in order to get back what i needed from me. so for 40 days i am going to give it a shot and with that comes honesty and sticking up for myself and even distancing from things and people i dont know how else to protect myself and my goals from. from now till then, who knows what will fill up my easter basket.
Realistically, I was not raised in the Catholic church. I was not baptized so I could not complete the process of confirmation and all of the other elements of being Catholic. But I was surrounded by Catholicism and it, of any organized religion, has been the most influential in my life. My father used to take me to church. When I was in college a group of us would go to church together. I had rosaries and photos of the Last Supper like every other Indian Catholic I knew. Those items are some of my most prized possessions, not just because of what they mean but more about who they came from. My kokum gave me those things along with my Bible and I keep them with me as much to be close to her as to remember the lessons she taught me. My Gramma Emma was a good Catholic who had great faith in prayer. I dont remember her ever talking to me about Lent. When I was in high school of friend of mine told me what she was giving up for Lent. It had never occurred to me to even consider participating in Lent. But I did and have every year since then. I dont participate in the services of Ash Wednesday and dont actually get crazy on Fat Tuesday. But as I have gotten older, I realized that all Lent is is a timeframe of sacrifice. Many tribal religions have incorporated elements of sacrifice into prayer--fasting, sweating, staying awake, piercing, markings and even cutting are all parts of sacrificing one's self for prayer....giving something to get something....so the idea of giving up something important to me for a period of time to encourage prayer seems instilled in me. I've never talked to my daughter about Lent. For some reason, even when she was very small, she didnt like church. So I never forced it, there are many things like Lent that I participate in alone and without sharing. The other day she came home and told me what she was giving up for Lent. I was a little surprised but took at as an opportunitty to talk about how it applies to our life and the bigger picture. Sometimes history repeats itself before we know its become history.