Friday, January 22, 2010
i call this blog transfusion because at the time i started it, i had a lot of things i need to get rid of--in my heart, in my head and generally in my life. whether it was bad relationships, bad habits leading to bad health or some bad thinking, a year ago it was time to do or die. i've been off the writing for awhile, not because i dont think of things to write but because i want to live in the moment and sometimes, the moment spills over into my writing time. in the last month since my last post lots has happened. but i wanted to write about one thing in particular. i had an epiphany of sorts and it has changed my world. for much of my 36 years, i have interacted with other people and almost always, taken what they say personally and possibly negatively. there are words that i hear people say and for whatever reason, i hear words that hurt my feelings. whether its talking about losing weight or my child rearing, i have been quick to take offense. until last month. there are some people where i live that i dont particularly care for. i dont hate them or strongly dislike them, i just dont choose to spend my time with them. they have step over my boundaries with my child and i was resentful about it because i felt like their actions said i was a bad parent. believe me, being a single mother of a daughter comes with its own special kind of selfdoubt. i dont think its better or more deserving of empathy than any other kind of parenting, but im saying it has its issues. anyway, the mother of my daughters friend steps over my boundaries and i was resentful. i have tried to figure out why i feel this way? where did it come from and why has it continued to evolve. and after much soul searching...i have no f'ing clue. maybe its cosmic, maybe it was my childhood environment, maybe it was none of those things... one day she said hello to me and i said hello back. she seemed to get great joy that i engaged with her. as i walked away i thought, whats the big deal if we talk? and for some reason, it all came to me. for whatever her actions are....she means no harm. her intentions are good. in finding that she meant no harm in her actions with my child, it released me. it lifted some heavy burden that i didnt even realize i carried with me. from that point on, i have been listening to people, especially my family, with a different sense of thoughtfulness. what i once heard as criticism and critique, i now hear for what it was intended--regular conversation about day to day life, suggestions, ideas---caring, concern, love. i wish i would thoroughly convey the sense of enlightenment i feel. i look around at people now and see so many people really do have good intentions. they mean no harm. and just because its not how i would do or say something doesn't mean the value is any less. it has opened me up. i tend to hole myself away into a shell if i think a person is going to hurt me. i see things politically or spiritually, that i might have criticized harshly before, differently now. it has made me feel a stronger need to convey my intentions clearly. to give people the benefit of the doubt. to love is a freer sense than i have before. i feel no longer transfused but instead transformed. “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” Martin Luther King, Jr.