Transfusion

i've been away

2011-04-04T21:24:00.000-06:00

i wish i could tell you that its because i have been happily living life.
but the reality is, that i've been struggling.
not just in all the external ways, that one can struggle.
i think harder yet, is the internal struggle, the voice inside and the loneliness it can carry.

i have not written here in almost three months. i think about my voice, this blog, every single day. sometimes i wish that i could just sing to it and it would transcribe. but it cant. and i havent the heart sometimes to release to you, what i hear in my own voice. what i feel i my own heart.

i am a lucky girl. i experience greatness everyday. i have incredible parents, a wonderful daughter, a solid partner and phenomenal people i call brothers and family and yet, i still feel overwhelmed.

sad. incomplete. failure.

it could be a million things...not enough wellbutrin...not enough sun...very few endorphins...but i'm not going to sit here and pretend to be happy when i dont feel it. i have come realize that gratitude and happiness are two different beasts. i have also realized that sometimes "fake it til you make it" well, just doesnt fucking cut it.

i have moments, dreams and illustrations of what i expected my life to be...and it aint that. dont get me wrong, i lived a pretty charmed life, dont think that i dont see it. but you know what, people can lived pretty charmed lives and still feel regret, remorse, tragedy and beyond.

not just momentarily, but daily...momentously, overwhelmlying...and if that bothers then too fucking bad because honestly its the fastest way to feeling satisfied again...happy fulfilled.

i've been having crazy dreams. of people who are dead and people who have long since left my life (yes that probably means you) and in it i feel like i finally deal with the sadness. i put things not just to bed, but to rest...for a long while...

i have tell you that without leaning on the elegant crutch of astrology...i am the cancer of all cancers...

i'm working my way back to you and back to being whole. spring is coming and we'll keep in touch....

It Begins

2011-01-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

OMG I did something I never thought I would do! I fired a client today! the reasons are long and boring (besides being confidential). but i have to say two things:
1. i knew from the beginning I shouldnt have taken this case
2. i'm glad i got out when i did.
i have to say that generally, i'm smarter than this. more savvy than the average bear. but i let my emotions get in the way of my common sense.
after writing my last blog i resolved to evaluate my life as it is. and this particular client fell into that evaluation. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you fail that benefit, you will never get it again. Unless of course you are one turtle. But thats a different story.

so in evaluating my life, i dont look for the easiest cases. i look for client's whose ideologies are similar to mine. i took a case knowing that this was not it. for many reasons, i cant even tell you. but know this,i wont make this mistake again.
nor will i let my lapse in judgment deter me from knowing i am a good lawyer. that i have earned my stripes and i have earned my reputation.
cleaning house is full of the purest joy and the strongest anxiety. its like breaking up when you do the breaking up....you feel scared but also free....
my business success is of my own making. i will not doubt. i will not second guess. even after this one mistake. she will say what shes wants about me. but in the end i know, i made the right decision for both of us.

Shows over

2011-01-12T14:12:00.001-07:00

We work on ourselves, in order to help others, but we also help others, in order to work on ourselves. Pema Chandron
I'm better now that we are done making our trail. I feel honest and available and less afraid to choose things for myself.
Somehow, somewhere I came to believe that selflessness was the greatest virtue. To give to everyone and ask for nothing in return--not even gratitude. That the lack of gratitude somehow meant I needed to work harder, give more, please everyone.

I had a discussion with JB the other night. He said why do you give so much to people, especially people who take advantage of you? The answer used to be that I wanted to give for the goodness of giving, I believed that people would bring back that goodness to me, when I needed it or when my family needed it.

I tell my cousin/sister all the time how much I enjoy being with her, specifically for two reasons 1. she always asks me how i'm doing and really wants to know the answer. and 2. she doesnt call me only when she needs something.

Growing up, I saw how much my parents gave to people and how often people took advantage of them. Even their own relatives only come to them when they need something. Dont ever call just to see how they are. And I hate it. It was one of the reasons I learned to distinguish relatives from family. I tell people I have a lot of relatives but I have a very small family.

So i'm going to be honest with myself and with people around me. I need to work on myself. I'm going to be selfish and that may be one of my most difficult tasks. So I'm setting my boundaries. Dont ask me to help you with advice or money or anything else, if when you think about it, the only time you call me is when you need something.
There are people who might not consider themselves part of this but who do only call for advice or to get the answer to a question. But fail to even say "hey how are you?" Its those people, I'm cutting out. Not necessary stopping my relationships completely with them but limiting what I can give and when.

I know who my friends are. I know who I can call on when I need help, support, encouragement or talk about the weather. And I know who isnt there. For years, JB has been telling me to say "No!" when people call asking for things. But I rarely ever let myself say no. After this year, I realize that now is the time. I want to spend my time giving to those who give back. To support those people who are truly my family and my friends. To work on myself in order to give better...but with boundaries.

I want to learn the delicate balance between selfishness and selflessness...

Crybaby

2011-01-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

Christmas is over! Thank God! (some puns intended) I hate Christmas. I have always hated Christmas. But when I had Rose, I chose to try to bring to her what I never felt the holidays brought to me or I to them...joy, peace, fulfillment.

And honestly, a holiday, a day cant do all that without some effort.

for most of my adult life, christmas was just a barrier i had to get through to get to what was really important to me...which is the ceremony that people partake of in the winter to start their new year.

to pray for every minute....of every day for the next 3 seasons...until its time to pray again.

i know that often we forget how precious our moments are...but i am reminded each day that rose will soon leave to college. every holiday, every late night chat, every chance to be her mom in all the ways that are important causes me to be teary and thankful and afraid and her shelter.

my daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman. its hard for me to acknowledge that she is so grownup...that its possible for her opinions to be different from mine, for her to be a mediator and a peacemaker without even knowing the impact of her words.

i remember being pregnant with her. i was 20 and had ended a relationship that would bring no joy to the life of a child. i remember the distress of telling my parents that their baby daughter was going to be a mother. and i remember everyday to this day, my own mother's words...a baby can only bring joy if you let it.

(and dont tell my mom) i followed her advice...and while things weren't ideal, i let her bring joy into this world. and on any given day, you can find her doing the same. sometimes, she breaks out into dance in the grocery store, or she sings silly songs, or she laughs at her dog in the same baby laugh that she was born with.

and when i see her with my parents, i pray that they are here on this earth to see her achieve every dream she has. the bond between them cannot be lost emphasizing the brevity of life.

shes in the paper last week for personally taking on something important to her and doing some thing to help. her christmas fundraiser for the animal shelter was just something she wanted to do. i remember when she mentioned it, think uh...this is going to be a pain in the ass.but the more determined she became, the more ashamed i was of my non-supportive thoughts. i have externally supported her through things that my internal voice said no to. and her drive was a great success.

today when i read the article, she said mom dont cry....behind every tear...is every minute since the day she was born...that I have been scared for her and proud of her. parenting isnt rocket science. it is the desire to give your child something better than what you had, by exploring their world, the people in it and their own dreams. and by challenging yourself to do the same...

Manifest

2011-01-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

I am Apsaalooke.
I am Selis.
I am Anishinabe.
They are all different but the same in that each one, has time during which people focus their prayers for the coming year.

I wait all winter for this night. Every holiday is just one moment closer to me making changes, making offerings, want to share my prayers for you and with you.

I am committed, without fail, to this moment.
There are songs that can only be heard at this time of year. A few nights ago, they were in my sleep with me. Letting me know, that they were here now.

In the dark, waiting for our wishes, our sorrows, our worries and our dreams.

That it is time to smudge away what is left of this year and to kick my dirt, my earth, my ancestors forward, not back.

There is a lot of good to reflect on and to propel those wishes forward. There is much sorrow that sits with me and I want to leave it behind.

To see the good in you,
to see the good in me.
To build my people
All people.

My family reminds me through this process--not to just ask things to be taken away, but to also ask for what I want to replace them.

health, family, wellness, strength, security, prosperity,joy, peace and forgiveness.

say your wants, your needs, your wishes, your prayers and your deeds.

your universe is listening.

Loves Recovery

2010-12-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

As a writer, I know that my challenge is to say something in a new way. But as a reader, I know that sometimes, I don't have to accept that challenge. I can join those who have said it in a way that represents me and satisfies what I am trying to say.

I'm fortunate that during times that I feel are trying, someone unexpected pops up to comfort me along with those who i know are always there for me. . my friend lee can sit across the table and bead. i am comforted just to know he is there. plus he has the most incredible cd selection of just about anybody i know. last weekend he let me rip a ton of his cds. it brought back all of these memories that can transport me 20 years back.

The indigo girls remind me of my first year of college... a sense of freedom, i squandered without realizing it. this songs holds me there even just for a few minutes. but is exactly what i need to say now...

Love's Recovery

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

Promises to myself

2010-12-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Alot has happened since my last blog. And a lot hasnt happened.

I often wonder if I am the only person who feels like I can have a perfectly normal day, perform all of my duties and still inside, be so unsatisfied...still feel so tormented, that i dont know how to solve my own inner angst.

And i know like, most people...if i dont address my angst, then everything else suffers.

After all, isnt it for me to solve?

i've contemplated deleting this blog and then i've decide to renew it...because at the time i started it, my life felt ridiculously close to how it feels now. i'm easily overwhelmed, i have alot of anxiety and i'm not taking care of my own self. the hardest part for me now is that i know the difference. i know what its like to feel strong mentally, emotionally and physically...and yet i feel incapable of making some of that happen.

i'm back because i need this blog to transfuse me...again...

Giving In

2010-06-09T10:47:00.005-06:00

Over the past few weeks, I have thought about giving up training for the Missoula 1/2 marathon. My health sucks, my training has suffered and I have a million excuses.

A few days ago, I went to the gym with the goal of running 3 miles. Everything started out fine, it takes me the first mile to open my lungs, clean my mind and find my stride.

When I run, I think about a million things. It has been a trained skill to clear my mind and only think about my stride or my breathing.

This time, I was thinking about Jake. We went to Jake's graduation. While he didn't receive any scholarships, he received something bigger. Each year his school gives one graduating senior a special award. That award is to acknowledge someone who has overcome great adversity to be sitting there among the graduating seniors. As they were discussing the award, I said a little prayer that Jake would get that award. That someone would see in him, his conquering spirit. When his name was announced, Rose and I jumped up, hooting and hollering like crazy women. They didn't tell his story but he was so proud to walk up to the podium and accept this award.

Like a proud mother, I cried when thinking that his walk to accept that award and then his diploma is much longer than a few short strides. And I'm sure along the way, he wanted to give up, to feel alone, to make excuses as to why he could not succeed--why he wouldn't finish.

Some days I truly get sick and tired of people who cannot pursue life because they dont understand it or because its not perfect. Sometimes, life and its perfection is as simple as waking up in the morning....smelling the air...a hot cup of coffee and an egg sandwich...

Jake knows that life is good when he has a warm bed...a home without drugs...food to eat...and people who care about him...its not perfect and in someways, it isnt always his...but he made the most of it in order to get to that podium...to receive his diploma...and to pursue living a life that on the outside looks unglamorous but from where he stands is better than what could have been...

I ran on that treadmill for another mile, crying the whole time...because life really is that simple...not giving up means actively pursuing...and its not always glamorous nor is it perfect...buts it always better than what could have been...

so i'm not giving up..because to give up on this simple act would mean to give up on my commitment...to myself and to the celebration of jake's hard work...

it might not be perfect, it might not be what i want it to be but at the end i know that i accomplished something...

and that a young man who raised himself in the foster care system showed me how...

Part of my comittment includes raising money for Youth Homes, Inc. If every friend on FB or outside of FB would pledge even ONE DOLLAR...i could reach and possibly surpass my goal...

ONE DOLLAR can change the destiny of kids like Jake...

http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk

We Are The World 25 For Haiti - Official Video

2010-05-10T22:32:00.000-06:00

we are the children....

2010-05-10T22:31:00.002-06:00

i've been a little slack about posting about the reason i'm running the 1/2 marathon. Youth Homes provides shelter,however temporary or permanent, to children in need. i did not grow up in the perfect home...and my parents will be the first ones to admit this...but i grew up and still have both parents, married and available to meet my needs. at 36... i am a single parent. i know how hard it can be to raise a child alone. many times, over the past 15 years, i have cried alone in the night, trying to release the frustration and anger or anxiety and fretfulness that such a huge responsibility can lay on a person... but i never thought, until lately what a responsibility it can lay on a child... until i met jake. jake is a friend of my daughter's. he lives in one of the Youth Homes. i cant tell you how i met him without identifying him. but everyone who knows jake, knows that he lives in foster care. i saw him last summer.he was talking to my auntie. i asked her his story. his mom is a drug addict and his dad was never around. if you ask jake, he will be the first person to tell you that being removed from his mother's care, gave him a chance. he is a grown-up in a young man's body. he wants and needs the same love and care that my child needs, yet he has been left to make adult decisions. i heard him talk about what he will do when he turns 18, the official age to "age-out" of foster care.... he decided to stay in the group home he lives in until graduation. if he does not, he will not have assistance to find a place to live or health insurance if he needs it.... when i was jake's age, i didnt worry about health insurance, i worried about what i was going to wear tomorrow.... hes a great kid...involved in sports and music and whatever else he can find to fill his life with a little bit of joy. and as i run, i think about him. i think about all the kids i know and the people that i love who have been in that system for good or for bad... jake loves my daughter. and we love him. he will graduate in june and then truly be on his own....he wants to make it on his own. i want to, like every mother, even though i am not his, catch him when he falls.... each step i take is a wish for him...a prayer for his life...that it can be better than what it has been. one of my daughter's favorite songs is "we are the world". "we are the one's to make a brighter day, so lets start giving..." as i write this, i am trying to figure out how to make more of an immediate impact on jake's life than just wishes and prayers...he has changed my life and opened my heart.... "there's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives, its true we make a better day...just you and me.."

Bloomsday means blossoming....

2010-05-04T21:05:00.005-06:00

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is not what we want to, but what we should do. Jb, Rose and I completed Bloomsday on Sunday. I was not trained to run bloomsday in any way shape or form. My illness, as undiagnosed as it is, is also unrelenting sometimes. I'm tired, run down and in pain. Sometimes one part of me will feel better, only to have another feel worse. So I ran the first 2 miles. ooooooohhhhh how i loved it, i had my rhythm going, my ipod blaring and I was feeling it. Mentally, I was totally prepared. I was reaching for a new challenge and I thought that challenge was to run with a partner. I love to run by myself. I HATE to run with other people and I mean other people running beside me, wanting to keep up with me and chat... when i run by myself there is no one to compare me to but me...when somebody else runs with me as a running partner...truly, i think good god this is going to kill me...because i compare your better form, the fact that you can talk and run so effortlessly at the same time...that your nose doesnt seem to be running all over... I have great difficulty being alone and running was a great lesson in learning to be ok with that. It liberated me to take care of myself alone. the beginning of mile 3 is the first hill. its a little steep and feels better to walk than run. so i briskly cruised to the top...i started to run again....and then another hill. my running partner said his knee felt a bit creaky.... why can i make adjustments for other people's injuries but not my own? so we walked and agreed to walk the next 2 miles. it was relaxing and releasing. somehow making the adjustment for his injury also release me to make an adjustment for mine about a mile later. i walked and kept walking and wondered to myself when did walking 7.5 miles become not good enough? we had agreed to try to trot in for the last 2 miles. i started and i stopped. started and stopped. knowing that my time was already longer than last years i let go of expectations and complaints against myself. i could feel my knee starting to ache and i thought about what jb and rose had both asked me to do before the race...listen to my body and not hurt myself so that tomorrow i would feel worse. i cant ask my daughter to be responsible if i am not. she's in track and rather than win every event her coach asks them only to achieve pr's---personal records. coming to bloomsday, i wanted to achieve a new pr--to be faster than i was last year. last year my pr was to run the entire race. i walk and ran the last 2 miles until i could see the finish line. then i ran in across that line knowing that having conquered other ghosts in my mind was a greater victory than if i had won....a true personal record... and by the way i didnt win...

A Million Excuses

2010-04-02T09:17:00.002-06:00

I have them but none of them are that good....my training has halted! mainly because I'm sick. and well, I've ignored it for a bit per usual. so yesterday i went to the doctor. its pretty much the infection i had in September from passing kidney stones. only, as far as i can tell, i haven't passed any kidney stones. soooooo onto antibiotics and other pills that sounds severe but are probably pretty necessary. i've been like many other people who lose weight or train hard. i have become sloppy. yesterday as i sat in the doctors waiting room, i saw my friend who had just done the PF Chang in Tempe. I asked her if she was training for anything else. She said no thats it been hard to get motivated to train for another race after completing the other because she knows now she can do it... maybe i feel a little bit that way...i've got to change my mindset because even i'm getting tired of my own excuses. i'm walking today and letting the meds kick in before i start full on running. easter seems like as good of day as any to settle into my running schedule. dont get me wrong. all of this doesnt mean i have done nothing. it just means i've done things sporadically. like i did 2 6 mile long runs a few weeks ago. i worked out a few days last week and the week before. but that to me isnt training. and its not helping my weight loss or my mind. so i'm whittling down the million to zero...

To Do For Others Is To Do For Yourself

2010-03-23T19:29:00.003-06:00

I'm back in the training mode! and I'm excited! WHY? Because I have a new mission, a new goal and I want to make myself proud by reaching it. Last week I signed up to be a member of the Youth Homes Run 4 Kids Missoula Marathon team. I'm seeking sponsorship from every one I know. Even one dollar will get me to my goal. Just like one more step can get me to the next mile... http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk Over the course of training, I'm going to continue blogging. Not just about my experiences training or my life as this blog has been about for the last year. But I want you to know the people I know. The people I love. All who have been in foster care. I want you to know the foster parents I know and love and how the idea of giving love to a child whether your blood or not has always been a part of my life. Come with me, help me change the world....

a few brief words....

2010-03-18T18:08:00.000-06:00

this was my horoscope today...but maybe it should become the mantra...Think about the idea of tolerance and notice to what extent it can liberate you. If you allow others to do and think what they like, you will find that more and more you grant yourself this same right.

in my life right now this applies like never before...i am ready to liberate myself and the people around me...

back to our regularly scheduled program

2010-01-22T09:02:00.001-07:00

i have gotten lazy. but i have scheduled myself for 2 10ks, one 1/2 marathon and possibly another. we'll be back on the running trail within the week. so stay tuned....

transfusion

2010-01-22T08:30:00.003-07:00

i call this blog transfusion because at the time i started it, i had a lot of things i need to get rid of--in my heart, in my head and generally in my life. whether it was bad relationships, bad habits leading to bad health or some bad thinking, a year ago it was time to do or die. i've been off the writing for awhile, not because i dont think of things to write but because i want to live in the moment and sometimes, the moment spills over into my writing time. in the last month since my last post lots has happened. but i wanted to write about one thing in particular. i had an epiphany of sorts and it has changed my world. for much of my 36 years, i have interacted with other people and almost always, taken what they say personally and possibly negatively. there are words that i hear people say and for whatever reason, i hear words that hurt my feelings. whether its talking about losing weight or my child rearing, i have been quick to take offense. until last month. there are some people where i live that i dont particularly care for. i dont hate them or strongly dislike them, i just dont choose to spend my time with them. they have step over my boundaries with my child and i was resentful about it because i felt like their actions said i was a bad parent. believe me, being a single mother of a daughter comes with its own special kind of selfdoubt. i dont think its better or more deserving of empathy than any other kind of parenting, but im saying it has its issues. anyway, the mother of my daughters friend steps over my boundaries and i was resentful. i have tried to figure out why i feel this way? where did it come from and why has it continued to evolve. and after much soul searching...i have no f'ing clue. maybe its cosmic, maybe it was my childhood environment, maybe it was none of those things... one day she said hello to me and i said hello back. she seemed to get great joy that i engaged with her. as i walked away i thought, whats the big deal if we talk? and for some reason, it all came to me. for whatever her actions are....she means no harm. her intentions are good. in finding that she meant no harm in her actions with my child, it released me. it lifted some heavy burden that i didnt even realize i carried with me. from that point on, i have been listening to people, especially my family, with a different sense of thoughtfulness. what i once heard as criticism and critique, i now hear for what it was intended--regular conversation about day to day life, suggestions, ideas---caring, concern, love. i wish i would thoroughly convey the sense of enlightenment i feel. i look around at people now and see so many people really do have good intentions. they mean no harm. and just because its not how i would do or say something doesn't mean the value is any less. it has opened me up. i tend to hole myself away into a shell if i think a person is going to hurt me. i see things politically or spiritually, that i might have criticized harshly before, differently now. it has made me feel a stronger need to convey my intentions clearly. to give people the benefit of the doubt. to love is a freer sense than i have before. i feel no longer transfused but instead transformed. “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

he used to call me gal....

2009-12-09T10:21:00.002-07:00

the strangest things can bring about sad feelings. i'm sitting in finnegans having breakfast and working this morning when i hear a voice. the sounds, the delivery of the words and the words themselves sound so much like my uncle that if i didnt know better i would have thought it was him. but its not. its a man who looks similar to him with his grey beard and toothpick grinding in his teeth. my uncle died 2 years ago. on a rainy September morning, as i drove to my job....the phone started to ring and the whole world became different. it seems like when i miss one, i miss all of them. my dads brothers have all passed..the saddest for me being my uncle with cerebral palsy. my grandparents are all gone and sometimes i am overwhelmed with the things i wish they could see. my mom lost this brother and for both my parents, i think loss like this must be overwhelming. jb lost his uncle a few weeks ago. and then his lead teacher. i am reminded that i have been experiencing loss since i was very young. the day after my 5th birthday my grandpa was murdered and that loss, even at such a young age has made me hyper vigilant about these types of feelings. i realize too that there are many people my age who dont know this kind of loss and to see them go through it now seems like a double edge sword. when you have loss you become conditioned to it but to live a life without it, must somehow be a wonder....

it ends sometimes

2009-12-02T11:33:00.003-07:00

i dont work...much...but somehow i am always busy lately. and i'm tired. but i'm thankful my folks came over for thanksgiving. tomorrow i will drive home to be with my parents. my dad is having surgery friday. it seems sometimes like one day i woke up and they were older and fragile. i am waiting for my niece to be born...i wanted to call her emme since her inititials are mmbdw but mimi is starting to stick with me. i am thankful that i had enough money for groceries this morning and yesterday. while i seem to be making a decent living, i do worry about money alot. and somehow, like last night, i get a little crazy at the good food store...we ate almost everything up for thanksgiving and i am glad not to waste food but also to know theres money to buy more if i need to. i'm thankful for the new contract i just got. not only did it pay me alot more than expected, it seems to have alot of perks i didnt know about. a couple more of these and i would be set! rose is exhausted from all her social like and basketball practice. shes been so busy that i'm thinking about strapping to her bed all weekend so she will sleep and not get sick. i'm excited for basketball games to start. i love watching high school basketball and she has worked very hard to improve her game. i am also excited for her christmas concert. she has a solo at the communitty wide concert and while shes nervous i know she will do great. i started running and working out again. i let somebody run me through some strength training exercises (which i need) but i am SORE! my friend hl said to think of it as a sign, that obviously i needed to work that muscle...i have a lot of neglected muscles i think. i am sad about the passing of supi mays....her contribution to revitalizing the Salish language will always stand. we always laughed together when we would see each other. sometimes you have to appreciate how rare that it... its wintertime now...and while i am beginnning to prepare for the year to come, i reflect on those i try not to let myself miss...and sometimes it overwhelms me. life is short.

this and that

2009-11-16T15:19:00.003-07:00

i just went to the gym...and no i dont feel awesome...people always give me the pep talk about how good it will feel once i go to the gym and if i just do five minutes, it will all get easier.... yeah bullshit...somedays yes somedays no...today is a no day...but i have to get back into it... i think because thanksgiving is coming up everybody is posting what they are thankful for...i've been doing some of the things on the gratitude challenge and some not...so today i think i'll make a list of things i'm thankful for and things i'm not. 1. i'm grateful for the people in my life who encourage but dont harp. 2. i'm glad that i went to the gym today 3. i'm not glad that today that toward mile 2 i can feel the little break in my toe...still. 4. i'm not grateful that when i restart working out, no matter what...i have to go to the bathroom during my workouts...today i had to go twice and these arent the it-will-wait-till-its-over-kind-either...these are the if you dont go right now you might pee on the treadmill..or worse! 5. i'm think i will start watching the biggest loser again to get some inspiration. 6. i'm grateful that i have enough money right now to go buy a pair of new shoes... 7. i'm not grateful that these shoes i have, havent held up very well and dont give enough support. 8. i am grateful that they are pink...because i love pink...and women's because for some reason shoe manufactures think that women with size 10.5 feet only want to wear ugly gramma shoes... 9. i'm not grateful for that... 10. i'm also not grateful for the amount of snot i seem to make when i run... 11. i am grateful for the couple of cute outfits i think i have for working out..i dont know why it makes such a difference to me but it does. 12. i'm grateful that i have enough time and a little bit of money to not have the excuse of work in my way.

conversations with myself

2009-11-12T20:12:00.002-07:00

there are days when i have to challenge myself to be in control... what you ask? i know. for the most part i think (and possibly believe) that people see me as a control freak. and i am. to my exterior life...my house, my job... what i am not in control of is...is my inner dialogue. everyone has one. and i dont seem to know enough people whose inner dialogue tells them they rock. in a mediated and reliable sort of way. lately my inner dialogue has been telling me to back away...to withdraw from people and things i find comfortable. the challenge for me is that my inner dialogue isnt like having your best friend tell you what to do...its more like the flintstones, when on each should fred would have the angel fred and the other should held the devil fred and he had to decide who to listen to. my internal voice is not my friend...it is simply my script...the play i recreate in any number of circumstances. its hard to know that i have this script as much as it as difficult when i wasnt aware of it. because now, i dont trust...before i knew the outcomes, i knew the voice might lead to me to an unhappy place but it was something familiar and comforting. now i dont know how to sift through the dialogue and which voices to hear and which voices to leave...

Post #5

2009-11-02T12:52:00.002-07:00

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you don’t possess—instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy. I am grateful for the closeness i share with my brothers. whiles its not always perfect, its solid. i am grateful that my daughter is a beautiful intelligent and thoughtful girl. i am grateful that am able to make my own hours and do what i want to almost everyday. i'm available for her and the rest of my family when i need to be and can be involved in my community in a way that wasn't possible when i worked all day everyday. i am grateful for my parents and their reasonably good health. i am grateful for this little dog who runs around my house like a crazed maniac and then lays her head on my shoulder to be petted. i am grateful that i have a warm house i am grateful that i have good friends i am grateful for the satellite tv that keeps me entertained while i bead!

gratitude post #4

2009-11-02T12:41:00.002-07:00

Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life. I am grateful to understand the struggle of weight. I'm not where I want to be but in going through it and it being a present factor in my life i feel as though it makes me empathetic to other struggles people go through. it also has forced me to look at my own innervoices about what i can and cannot do with the body that i have. today my back muscles are strained and while i would like to work out, i'm going to stretch. its more important to take care of myself than to continue to harm my body. i am grateful for the crappy job i left a little over a year ago. while its no fun being harrassed and discriminated against, i also know that i learned invaluable tools through my work there. i made of great friends and learned what kind of person and lawyer i choose to be. i am also thankful that while i was there, i had health insurance. it made it possible to have glasses and contacts and a doctor i preferred. in leaving there and its negativity, i learned and am still learned how strong i can be and that i'm in control everyday of how stressed or positive i want my life to be. i am grateful that i'm low on cash. i know that seems weird. but it causes me to stay home more and spend less and really think about what i'm purchasing. plus it gives me a good reason to get my beading done! and for some reason, i cook better when i'm low on cash too...

Gratitude post #3

2009-11-02T12:35:00.002-07:00

How quickly times gets away from me...i'm three days behind on my gratitude list. so i'm getting them all down now... todays challenge is to list write about something you feel grateful for in your life today. i am grateful that i have a partner who is willing to work with me. to help me work through my stuff and who is willing to work through his own stuff. today in a discussion i fell back into some defensive responses. instead of trying to listen to what he was saying to me...i was hearing. its a huge leap to me to know now the difference between hearing someone and listening to him or her. and in doing so it elicits different reactions. i'm also grateful that in this conversation, he was willing to reword what he said to make it clearer to me what information he was trying to gather. it seems small but the conversation in its function and form was significant. communication can be different. people who have known each other for a decade can still change the tone and tenor of a conversation if they can work for the greater good. i'm grateful to be able to see that and it is deeply meaningful to me.

A-Z of Gratitude

2009-10-30T10:18:00.002-06:00

today's gratitude challenge is to fill in the alphabet with a list of what i am grateful for: A--Akkbadidia B--brothers C--coffee D--daddy E--eagles F--fabric G--gratitude H--highlights I--internet J--jb K--ketchup L--limes M--mommy N---needles O--oranges P--powwow Q--quiet R--rose S--silliness T--tea U--underwear V--violet W--writing X--xrays Y--you Z--zzzzssss

i'm up for the challenge

2009-10-29T12:04:00.002-06:00

sometimes, at least on this blog i feel a little one dimensional. by that i mean, i talk about excercising and relationships and those two things are far from the girl i am.... in order to see other things to write about, i'm taking the gratitude challenge. gratitudechallenge.com todays request is that i explain why i took the challenge and what i hope to achieve through 21 days of gratitude... well first off i hope to learn how to spell gratitude...the last 6 times i've typed it, the little red bar comes up underneath. i want to focus my writing on some other things in my life. i am eternally grateful for the people and things in my life. i find it a great challenge to learn to express that...especially since its my blog. on fb, one of my old high school friends decided to take this challenge. looking through her blog inspired me to get back to my blog. the challenge is everyday for 21 days. we'll see what happens...

jealousy is an ugly pill

2009-10-18T21:34:00.002-06:00

i think honesty is good...great actually... i am jealous...i am jealous of all the girls i grew up with who couldnt have cared less about getting married....who are...who didnt really want a bunch of kids...who have them...who had the big fancy wedding with prince charming but never really dreamed of it.. because thats what i wanted...and at 36 dont have...and may never have...when i was little i wanted very few things...i wanted to get married and live happily ever after with lots of kids....6 or more...i know i know...but its truly what i wanted....and honestly i didnt care about anything else...fame, fortune, education...nothing because those were and are my biggest dreams.... and i dont have them...dont get me wrong i am eternally grateful for the child i have...but i NEVER dreamed that she would be an only child...and as the years passed it felt as though i failed her more and more by giving her no siblings... all of the other dreams i had...to be a singer.... a lawyer...a writer...never mattered to me as much as being married...as much as having children and i am jealous.... because i feel as though i am the only one not married...the only one without more than one child...the only one who couldnt make it happen...and it belittles me...

knowing

2009-09-30T14:23:00.002-06:00

i have known all this time that i am still sick. i have known all this time that i needed to get back to exercising. i have known all this time that i should probably go to the doctor. but lately, i've come into a different kind of knowing. i'm dating. and the person that i'm dating has changed tremendously since i knew him before. the way he deals with things, the structure of a conversation, the ability to argue but not fight with the other person. and in having all these moments with him, i realized that some things about me havent changed. and its made me feel a bit crazy. there have been conversations where my own internal script says that i should behave or respond a certain way. believe me, i've perfected the internal script. but the problem has become, the other person's script is different, and my own version doesnt work with this reasonable, workable trail of communication. it has actually made me feel like i need to step up my own game alittle bit in making an effort to be reasonable and open to a new script. its a very deep very powerful moment to internally realize that there is a possibility to mature in my own thinking and not expect someone else to just learn the song the way i want them to. somehow it becomes a completely different verse than either of us knows what to do with but it has relieved alot of tension based on expectation. change often is realized only after it happens.

the big one.

2009-09-06T20:29:00.002-06:00

time passes and before you know it, its all gone. where have i been for the last month...physically, right here. mentally all over the place. after i ran the marathon. i just quit. stopped working out and did nothing. and i felt like crap. about 2 weeks later, i went to the gym and ran for a while it felt good but somehow mentally, not enough for me to get back on the wagon. i havent gotten to do much this summer for one reason or another. i didnt go to one powwow. i only went to two rodeos. and the lake less than a handful of times. it hasnt been all bad. just busy. with everything and nothing. 3 weeks ago, i went home for crow fair. i wasnt feeling good and about 15 minutes from my house, i contemplated turning around. but i didnt want to disappoint rose in not going home to see my folks. but i felt feverish and thought i had a urinary tract infection or something. it was a long drive. my symptoms continued to get worse. so much so that i didnt even go down to crow. i stayed in billings the whole weekend. the ride back to mission was terrible. i couldnt go more than 40 minutes without having to stop. once we got back here, i got sicker and sicker. but i had work to do and court appearances and things that had to be done. then i went to the doctor. but even with medication i was getting sicker and sicker. imagine the worst hangover you've ever had....then multiply it by 10. nothing would stay down. i was feverish....and i was stubborn. i finally got a ct scan which told me what i think i already knew. i had passed a kidney stone. possibly two. and now everything, from my kidney down the line was infected. and it hurt. finally after a horrible night, i knew i had to go to the hospital. i was dehydrated. the medications werent staying down. and i was starting to get scared. they admitted me and i stayed for 3 days. and no, i didnt tell anybody. my phone died when i got there and i never recharged it. my brother took care of me and my doctor. its hard to be that sick. to feel so out of control. but it was a good indicator of where i have been mentally for the last month or so. i kept getting extremely cold. i was cold from the inside out. my teeth would chatter so hard that it would make my stomach hurt which in turn would make my kidney hurt. all while running a temp of 103. once in the middle of the night, i begged the nurse to bring me another blanket. they couldnt because of my fever. even worse the nurse took all of my blankets. it was at that moment that i could no longer be strong, that i could no longer try to continue to tough things out. i was in so much pain and so cold and all i wanted was to be comforted with a blanket. i have never begged for medication. i would rather go without if i can. but i finally knew i couldnt. what they gave me, allowed me to fall asleep. and in finally being able to relax, my fever broke. when i woke, i had sweated through all of my bedding. this happened probably 6 times that day. that even when i finally thought it was all over, it all came back. i got out on saturday and had to go back to the er on sunday. since then 2 more weeks have passed. i still feel tired and week. and still i feel betrayed by my own body forcing me to give up some of my most clearly defined barriers. sometimes healing means changing. sometimes it means staying the same.

while failure may not be an option....

2009-07-20T18:09:00.001-06:00

it seems sometimes like a vacation destination that includes free drinks...and less hassle

today

2009-07-13T19:40:00.002-06:00

1. today some guy on campus checked me out...it was nice. i have to admit when i was occupied men hit on me ALOT more...now that i'm not it seems few and FAR between....and i do mean far...its weird...but really in 9 months only one man has approached me with any interest at all...and then he went back to his wife...lmao...no true though...story of my life...but its certainly starting to dampen my party... 2. i worked alot...i know that people think i keep short hours...but on a super good day...i pack alot into those hours...there are days that i can pack an average 8 hour day into 2 hours...and then i'm tired...really tired... 3. i skipped lunch today which is always a bad idea...it sort of just happened....so instead of making a plethora of bad choices...i went to the good food store and bought a bunch of vegetables and one impulse purchase....baked kettle chips...i think i have found my new love...i can only love them...as long as i love running...and today the day after, i still love running. 4. i will wear dark lipstick until i die...so there.... 5 my sister had a dream about me having a baby...i asked her if she knew who the daddy was so i could go make some arrangements... 6. i feel good after my race...the worst injury i have is from all the nose blowing i did. really...my nose is chaffed...its bad...but other than that im completely hooked...

Its over

2009-07-13T11:09:00.003-06:00

that half marathon...that is... and well it was hard...harder than i expected. i'm a little disappointed in my finish but i've accepted it and now i know what to do differently. i slacked off alot the last 2 weeks before the race...for a variety of reasons but really no good excuses. then like i knew i should have, i didnt go scope out the race trail. i've learned alot about myself through this training experience. and one VERY important thing is that I need to know the route...if i dont know where i am going...then i lose steam fast...because in my mind this could go on FOREVER and then i might die before i get there...or something like that....i had looked over the map for the race but they had changed the route so i really was just following people. and it taxed me mentally.... because i slacked, my new shoes hadnt gotten adjusted to me nor me to them. they were too soft. but you cant expect to run 13 miles and not have some foot issues. at least in the beginning. lastly i would have trained more on concrete. i trained on pavement partially but i mixed it up with asphalt and dirt which made it all seem pretty easy. i even mixed it up with hills which still felt fine. but this entire route was pavement...concrete. and i was racked...by mile 5, i actually thought about quitting... i was finally starting to get my groove about mile 3. then i just couldnt get focused so instead my focus went to how much this sucked and how was i gonna get another 10 miles and then how much my ass was cramping and everything was starting to hurt. this is nothing new to me. usually though i can harness it in. i finally shut it all out by mile 8 and was able to knock out another 3 miles. the last 2 miles though were hard mentally and physically. i kept having stern talks with myself. first not to stop but also to say its ok to walk because damaging myself in the long run for a few less minutes on my time seemed counter productive. i know this about myself. on any given day i can do 7 miles. easy...easy-ish...but on this day...i let my mind get the better of me and then it was all down hill from there. but i finished and as i got to the finish line...i also cried again because i was finishing, not exactly as i had planned but it was good to be done...good to have seen something through and even better to know that this isnt the end...but just the beginning.... and super cool---as i walked through the line, i got a medal...i thought it was for the marathoners who were zooming in....but it was for me...to keep to remind me that i am a finisher...

always the wedding planner, never the bride

2009-07-09T13:39:00.002-06:00

this past weekend my brother got married at my house...

my give away

2009-07-09T13:03:00.003-06:00

its been busy....which is the biggest understatement i've made in along time...but to explain it all would take more time that i have.... lately there have been people returning to my life and with them came the reasons they were gone in the first place... anyway the lesson learned from all these interactions was that i want people around me who support me, who encourage me, not people who second guess or who think their job is to keep me humble.... or who batter me emotionally, only to come back and apologize for it once they're done. there are people in my life who seem to think that i need to be kept humble, that i am so full of myself that they need to slap me down every chance they get.... and while i could start a fight with them every time they do it, i'm choosing to make an inner decision rather than an outer decision. by that i mean, i could lash out at them...let them hurt my feelings and rage...which is what they expect and i think, in some ways, they want so that they can engage and feel some sort of release. instead, i am choosing to stay steady...something really, that i am not very good at. i want to break down. i want to fly out in a rage but i cant because then it starts a process that i'm all to familiar with and dont want. sometimes i just go off and cry because i dont know what else to do. but i refuse to engage anymore than that. these are the same people who tell me that what i'm doing in my life is great except that i'm doing it all wrong. or that i did it all wrong and that next time if i just did things the right way, i wouldn't have failed the first time. its not always easy to admit that those people that you want most to love you, cant show those feelings in a way that is constructive or even accessible. another person has come back around, i realize, because they need me. but not in a relationship type of way. its more about that person needing a cheerleader and i have always been that for them. but there is no reciprocal. and never has been. i'm no longer willing to give to people who dont give back or who can only give back in a negative way. if you arent standing at the finish line waiting to celebrate with me, then we should run different races.

aho....

2009-06-28T21:13:00.004-06:00

while i dont have much time to write, i wanted to make note of something for later. i come from prayerful people...not just my family but my tribal people. we pray before we eat, we pray for birth, for death, for the new year, for the berries and the leaves, we pray before we vote, we pray for your success, we pray for protection from other people's bad thoughts and sometimes from our own. my work right now is very intense and a person i'm working with reminded me that we should pray over the things that we have received...because even those papers come with intentions...someone's intentions are over every word...every inch and their thoughts and wishes...both good and bad...about us are on those pages.... we pray openly and honestly...for the continuance of our tribe and to move it forward with our best intentions. while many people would take such an responsibility with great glory...it weighs heavy on me and almost makes me sad...because i am afraid of doing something that will have long lasting, possibly negative impacts...but at the same time...i cant back down from the responsibility. its affecting my sleep, my dreams along with all other other things happening in my life...but today just a for a moment, that man stopped and had us all pray together, to smudge and make ourselves heard... i was taught to pray for all that you are thankful for and to ask for its continuance...but i have a lot of worries and it was a relief to lift that sorrow up as well.... take a minute put sey

i dont hate you....

2009-06-26T16:09:00.002-06:00

next time the answer will be different

in other news

2009-06-26T16:07:00.001-06:00

i'm supposed to run the practice run through for the 1/2 marathon on sunday...thats 13.1 miles...i know...but i'm just going to have my brother drop me off 13 miles from home...and i'll get there eventually...a full report...after i get back.

stupid

2009-06-26T15:40:00.002-06:00

i knew that i would get caught up it...even when it old myself i wouldnt. i would worry. i would wait...i would wish. i would hope...and worst of all i thought things might just be. in my line of work...there are moments when you have to give the come-to-jesus talk to your clients...today was one of those days. and i know all the things to say...tough love or not...good cop bad cop...all of it...but as i was saying these things to her...i thought...man you better do that in your own life...or shut up... what i was talking about was the moment you start talking yourself into something...that usually includes talking yourself out of something...and in most cases that means negating the things that i have determined to be needs or wants in exchange for companionship and the love of another person. this girl essentially gave up her freedom, her opportunity because she had convinced herself, that dumbing down her needs would keep the man she loved and somehow save them both. last night i had dinner with a friend who relayed a similar story. in a relationship, just to not rock the boat, she would start talking herself into saying ...well, i can live with it this way...the way i wanted it isnt that important...which then translates into I WILL SETTLE....i will let someone elses needs and wants come before my own because my want or need for that person is going to trump my own. i've said it before...i dont know how to ask for what i need and i sure in the hell dont know what i would do if those needs actually were met by another person when i asked. but i'm tired of talking myself out of those things in order to make other people happy. i'm not talking small scale stuff...do i really care if we eat mexican when i kind of wanted thai? no...thats not a make or break moment....its the big things...the deal breakers that i have talked myself out of and into...and i dont think i can anymore... this is a hard lesson. maybe one of the hardest so far. and i'm not sure how to proceed. i believe in self help books. i've read and done the exercises in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix numerous times over my life. I'm now onto his next book which is called Keeping the Love You Find. Its challenging in new and different ways. So much so that its been difficult to answer some of the questions...not just because i dont want to...but also because i dont know what the true answer is ...in convincing myself that what i needed wasnt that important..ive lost sight of what i truly want and i'm now having to re-evaluate that with honesty and clarity. for some reason...its not been any fun....

i dont know

2009-06-25T10:21:00.002-06:00

people know what they want. sometimes they dont know what to do with it when they get it. they are so used to only receiving part or none of what they ask for that they will take whatever they can get. in relationships, i want a cup. i have sometimes received 1/2 a cup, sometimes received a teaspoon. i didnt reject what was given to me but i certainly wanted more. its difficult to convince people that they deserve more. just by telling me that i deserve everything i'm asking for in my cup doesnt make me believe it or even allow it. someone asked me what i would do if i got everything i asked for. the honest answer is i dont know. i've never gotten the whole cup. i probably wouldnt know what to do and could possibly even reject what it was that i thought i wanted. i think its like weightloss...people dream about the body that they think they want....so they work toward that fullcup....but in the end that may not be exactly what they get or it may not be as satisfying as they thought it would be. they are used to the little bit they get being satisfying enough.... right now i'm trying to decide what it is i want in my life and not in my life and the full cup question is very real and almost frightening. i know in theory what i have always said i wanted. but the truth is i dont know how to get there on my own. and i feel like if i cant get there on my own, how can i possibly get there with someone else...i think knowing what i truly want and not just how to get there but actually getting there might help me draw the type person who can go with me.... i often wonder how people find mates who truly want the same things they do. i am also often jealous. many of my friends who never really wanted to be married or even cared about those types of things have very full filling marriages, children...all the things i wanted. it feels, often, as if somehow i have failed in this aspect of my life and i dont like it. but i am at a loss in how to change things so i dont repeat the same types of relationships i have had in the past. i know, and you know, that it takes two. i know what i need to work on and do in my own personal self in order to proceed how i want to. counseling, self study...whatever i can do...but i sometimes feel like even though i have changed i still find myself in the same types of relationships with the same types of people. its difficult to classify someone as a type but i see some very identifiable traits that have become more and more familiar to me....and maybe thats it...i see the familiar....the question is...i do i see what i'm looking for...not whats looking at me....

why is there only a teaspoon when i want a cup?

2009-06-23T21:22:00.002-06:00

i'm a giver...i dont even know if its by nature...i think its more by accidental bad breeding...the women in my family on both sides....are taught to give not take... we give first eat last up first sleep last take nothing give all ask for nothing wish for everything before we can be deemed real women i am not allowed to crack...whatever that means it goes back to my friend who says i never cry.... i remember being a small girl....kneeling down on the floor and getting a huge carpenters staple in my knee. i remember taking a big breath and pulling it out and watch the blood reel down my leg...and never telling anyone...never asking for a bandaid...taking care of it all myself. i will be 36 years old soon and i still dont know how to ask for a bandaid...for you to help me...for you to comfort me.

if you get to where i am going

2009-06-19T19:43:00.003-06:00

stop and think about what you are doing.... what exactly is it that makes you want to do this... why make promises you cant keep.... because you can... or because somewhere you mean them but cant keep them... i dont get it.... i want to get it... but i cant.... its like a lodge with no poles i know how to put it up i know how to keep it there-- whats in place to make it my home until then its just a bundle of canvas wishes and nothing else no shelter no freedom think about that before you think about you... think about me before you decide about home... i am not a landing spot... i am the nest.

courage is waking up in the morning.

2009-06-16T21:59:00.002-06:00

i am tired and taxed....today felt like the end all over again...i remember saying to myself one day months ago....i never want to feel like this again...i never want to miss and hate the same person...to know i didnt sleep, to feel raw and wounded, to wait or wish or want and to have nothing to show for it. the hardest part is to have the joy and deep feeling of love and wishing mixed into the rawness and the wounds.... there was no way to stand up straight, no way to feel perfect and content or even present.... when it all comes down to it, i dont care what others think of my decisions...i only care how i feel about them....are they right, are they wrong...is it more hurtful than joyful....i dont know. the past never was my friend. in the past i am broken. damaged. wounded. a child. the future holds what little hope i remember.

2009-06-16T13:55:00.000-06:00

Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option

crystal clear

2009-06-16T13:44:00.003-06:00

there are moments that define us....so much so that as they are happening, we know that in this moment, our lives will change. i had that moment last night. i am still reflecting on it today. connections arent broken just because we want them to be. we have to deny them and pretend they dont exist. until....maybe....they dont... i am confused. sad. happy. mired in the depths of illusion and truth. nothing is easy. even non-decision isnt easy...it is painful and emotionally expensive. i'm not even sure i can cover the debt of that expense....

the clothes question

2009-06-08T10:07:00.002-06:00

theres been a lot of questions about how much weight i've lost since i started running. the answer is none... NONE.... really and i'm ok with that for now. the reason i started running was because after MONTHS of regimented eating and exercising I was losing very little or not at all most weeks. since i started working out in september i've lost 13 pounds...not exactly reflective of the work i've put in (namely 2 hours a day at the gym burning 1300 calories while eating 1400 a day for 4 months). i need to keep exercising. so i had to form some new goals. while i havent lost the weight, i am no longer on any medication. none. at all....which was the reason i took up the vigorous plan anyway. i'm too young to worry about high blood pressure and ulcers. i needed outlets and i found them in exercise. dont get me wrong there are many days i havent worked out. just lately i was on a running hiatus for about 2 weeks. i think i overtrained and my hips hurt to walk so instead of pushing myself i actually let them heal. i walked everyday but that didnt seem like enough...and wouldnt you know it...i actually lost a pound that week. the first step out the door is always the hardest...which is why on the 12 mile run i made someone drop me off....so there would be no turning back. i've had the same clothes for years. i tend to buy rose new things and not worry too much about myself. but i'm at a place where the clothes that looked cute last summer dont this summer...because they dont fit right...now i could take them all in but 1/2 the fun of toning up or losing weight is the option to wear different clothes. i think rose knows that i dont buy clothes for myself. and i dont want her to feel bad that i buy her things... so last week i had all these macy's coupons and i decided that i needed to set a better example. its good to take care of other people but its important to take care of yourself too. that includes your clothes, your hair and the other outward and inward things that make us feel good. i'm happy to announce that i've moved down a whole size almost 2. the cute black capri pants i bought are in a size that i dont remember ever wearing....not just the recent past...i mean ever...so i'm exciting...they're a little tight...i was telling rose this and she said well its a just a little motivation to keep going...and its true...like i've said i'll take motivation whereever i can get it...so we'll see if they're too big by summers end. i was talking to a mom of rose's friends and she gave me some good food for thought. she told me that several years ago she was heavier than i am now. she wanted to lose weight but the scale is as much a deterrent as it is a motivator. she told me that she ran 3 times a week, walked during her lunch hour and did aerobics 2 times a week. and she NEVER got on the scale...at all...only once a month would she take her measurements....thats how she kept track. and shes very fit now. so i might try her plan...measurements instead of actual weight and only once a month....it would be like breaking up with a bad friend to put my scale away...but it might be just what i need....that and some new summer shorts...

where we at?

2009-06-08T09:55:00.002-06:00

my posts keep getting further and further apart. work is really busy right now. yesterday i ran 12 miles....yes in a row....all at once...and i let go of the crutch that my ipod has been to just relax and enjoy what i knew i could do....i had my brother drop me off 12 miles from my house in the mountains. the beginning of the run was awesome...i ran along the canal listening to the birds, watching for bears and it was all very enjoyable. everything was going along pretty well. i realized about 6 miles in, i hadnt brought enough water. or gum..again those were mental crutches not actual physical needs. everything was moving along, i felt good, i kept my pace.... and then i could feel two things---1. that after 3 months of running in my fancy fabulous pink brooks....they are flat and not so bouncy and my knees will confirm that. 2. i could feel in the arch of my left foot what started out as a soreness and moved its way into what felt like a blister the size of my fist. but i kept going. to the next tree...to the next power pole until i got the 3 mile left mark....then i walked a bit...its hard for me to know when to lay off....or keep going...im more likely to keep going than to lay off...the blister felt bigger, my knees were sore...i ran a little, walked a little...then ran the last mile-ish...i like to leave about .3 miles at the end of my runs to walk it out. i've been obsessed with my time...not to be faster just to be conistent. yesterdays challenge was to admit to myself that it was alright that my overall time was at a pace thats slower than what i would walk on the treadmill...but that it shouldnt discredit the fact that i ran 9 miles continuously. finishing is my goal...the 1/2 is about one month away....i know i'll finish and then set a few new goals. by the way...the blister was the size of a pin head....

you were always on my mind

2009-06-03T18:30:00.002-06:00

last night rose and i were driving home from crow. i had to be over there for work for the last 5 days. we stopped at a truck stop and i decided to buy a cd for the ride home. there were two cds i wanted....each one holds a different period of my life. i ended up buying willie nelson. always on my mind. about the time that album came out, so did walkmans. i remember my mom bought one for my dad for christmas and the tape she bought to go with it was this willie nelson album. i was about 11. as i told rose last night, i fell in love with the sound of willie nelson's voice on his version of bridge over troubled water originally done by simon and garfunkel. even to hear the song now makes me teary. i remember driving with my dad to crow for business or tribal council meetings or for him to meet with clients and we would take turns listening to his walkman. there are very distinct memories of those songs rolling out onto the plains with me taking me to where i needed to go. its those moments, the times you think are meaningless that shape a child's life. not living there anymore makes me sad for the things my daughter doesnt experience. so many things i leared about being crow were revealed in the everydayness of just being and being around people who are. there are things she gets here about being salish....i just wonder how to provide her both....willie nelson shaped my life with that one album and everything after that...my father shaped my life with all of those hours spent following him around. my daughter shapes my life when i try to remember what was most important to me and figure out a way to convey that to her....its all on my mind....

shiny happy nothing

2009-05-25T20:49:00.003-06:00

its been a few weeks. as usual, theres a lot to tell and really nothing. i'm up to running 10 miles at a time for the long run. yeah yeah...its losing a little of its glimmer...i have to find ways to keep it shiny, i guess... i went out the other night and met a very nice man. he certainly makes the short go round but he's got his own situation to deal with right now...its just nice to know that sometimes someone will show up just in time to give you alittle hope. i've heard about him from my friends who thought we should meet. it gave me a little hope but i dont know how long lasting.... because i think part of what is losing its glimmer is me....for a while i've felt very confident, very ballsy...and believing that the world that i want could be mine...and maybe its just an off week or so but i dont feel like that. i feel like no matter how how hard i wish and and want and work...i'm not sure i'll ever get there. i'm not sure how hard i try to do the right thing and not go back into the past, the future is ever coming. because, well...i'm waiting...believe me, i know the future is right now just like right now, its the past. but in a moment like this it feels like its all standing still hanging there and there is no place to go to find what i'm looking for.

100 posts

2009-05-11T19:32:00.003-06:00

in 100 posts i've said alot and said very little...its been a long 8 months...its been a good time...its sucked some days...but here i am on the other side of winter, writing my 100th post. so some news: 1. yesterday, i ran 8 miles...no shit, 8 miles...did i run every step of it...almost...all told i probably walked 1/2 a mile...it wasnt fast but the route wasnt flat either...i'm prouder yet that on mile 2 i was getting my groove and who should drive by...of course....jb...there i was...RUNNING...ok it looks like jogging but its moving no matter what...and i kept running...so there...it phased me for about 1/2 mile and then i got back on board and did what i was there to do....and i wasnt sore afterward or today...i'm a beast...in a good way.... 2. Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option. on face book a girl i've known has this in her quote and all i can say is amen sista amen...she's newly single after about 6 years...its hard...i think everybody knows its hard...i am amazed at some of my friends who can walk away from relationships in a positive way and even remain friends with their exs...its a phenomenon that i'm not sure how to accomplish...but certainly admire. it definitely takes two. 3. i'm back to my old volunteering self these days...for so long while i was making someone a priority who was leaving me as only an option, i stopped doing lots of the things i loved...and when it was all over i felt the isolation i had developed. so i'm on a couple of different board of directors for organizations i really care about. i'm volunteering in other communitty things and networking. i'm not networking for jobs or to get something out of it, i'm doing it because i like to meet people, i like to be social and the only way to not be alone where i live is to get myself out into the world... 4. i cant believe how busy we are with everything right now...rose has a million and one things going on..school will be over in a few weeks. i have to go out of town for work that weekend but then summer will be just as busy...i start a contract position for the summer and she starts all her summer camps...maybe we'll be home;) 5. i'm sorting out friendships and how i want them to exist in my life. i dont expect to get everything from everybody....i dont. i know who my friends are for certain things...but the ones i am close to, i expect certain loyalties. the decision is...do i keep a friend who hasnt been loyal or let them go entirely...and if i do keep them...do i keep them as close or move them out to a friend for certain things situation. its not easy...i have cut people out for less but i'm trying to learn to be flexible, forgiving...and in lots of situations i am both of those...because theres lots of things i dont care about...but i do care about being hurt and once you've hurt me and i mean really hurt me...then its more difficult to be those things. 6. its funny someone today said i never cry....and i told them i cry all the time...they didnt believe me....maybe their vision of me is the tough exterior version...but really i cry all the time...things that make me happy...things that make me sad...frustrated...everything....like 2 weeks ago when two parents got in my face...i was so pissed off that i was on the verge of crying...when i see rose run or dance or perform..i cry...when i'm driving down the road and i think of things i cry....late last summer and early fall...i would cry everyday on the way to work and everyday on the way...i was that unhappy about my job, my life everything...just because i dont cry in front of you doesnt mean i dont cry....

mother's day

2009-05-10T23:04:00.002-06:00

there is no way to come from my mother and be weak.... in fairness, there is no way to come from my parents and fail...ever.... i am a girl who have been given every opportunity, whether you know it or not...chances that may never come again...and i cant let them pass...14 years ago i became a mother myself....alone...but not alone...in the crow way, your mother's family is the most important...they teacher you all the lifeskills...your fathers family is to keep you humble and equally grounded...my daughter has the fathers i had....my daddy, my brothers, my uncles...the men who raised me...in a traditional setting that she doesnt even realize exists. and everyday i am proud of her...the person she is...the wisdom she has,the drive and determination that comes from generations before her... i miss the little girl who watched cartoons but i enjoy the grown up girl that i can have real conversations with who gets this that i would have never understood at her age. i love my mom, i love being a mom and everyday i miss the women who raised me....but i know what i have and can be thankful for that...

granting me....

2009-05-07T21:22:00.003-06:00

there are lots of rumors and stories that pass through peoples live everyday. sometimes those happen to be the truth...sometimes they are the truth as other people perceive it. last night i heard somethings that for now are rumors but may end up being the truth. and it honestly devastated me. i had bad dreams, didnt sleep very well and felt crazy when i woke up this morning...i've felt like that before....when we'd fight or threaten to break up, waiting for somebody who never showed up....finding out the truth was really lies....i couldnt put it out of my mind. even during my run... i was lucky enough to have something else to focus on for a few hours...a softball game...and when i was done and someone asked me the question regarding how i felt about the rumor....i felt ok...truth or not....its not my problem anymore. theres nothing i can do to change the past. nothing i can do to take back the decade...i'm where i'm at now...and i can only move forward not lateral and not back... i feel alot of responsibility in my life...i always have...for people, for things, for culture and history. and i dont think theres anything i can do to stop that feeling. but at some point i have to be able to walk away from responsibilities that arent mine and that in the long run or even the immediate, hurt me and who i'm trying to be. those rumors and truth can do that....if i let them. when you work recovery programs, you learn the serenity prayer early on. the lesson i'm learning right now is that i've taken all my courage to change the things i can....when really those things were unchangeable and i didnt want to see them or accept them. and i'm glad to finally know the difference.

what the hell do i keep doing?

2009-05-06T11:34:00.002-06:00

So i'm fortunate to have a lot of good support. What i mean by that is that there are people out there, who maybe i consider more acquaintances than friends, who cheer me on whenever i see them. today i ran into one of those women. we talked about my race, we briefly talked about the drama and then she talked me into doing a triathlon relay....what the hell? i'm so excited and proud of myself for running the whole bloomsday race that i feel like i should just keep making bigger plans...crazier plans...plans that fall into the category of "things skinny girls do". thats really the demon i wrestle with sometimes. even if you dont consciously think it, theres lots of voices in your head and mine that say....i'm too heavy to do that...she's too heavy to do that...thats stuff skinny girls do, not me...well i thought that way too...sometimes i still think that way. but i showed myself differently. i can run a whole race. i was self conscious in running especially running along side of mr. superfit. so when i started running this time, i really thought about what will make me comfortable, confident, available to do this kind of thing. first i bought the shoes. when i tried to start running in october, my shoes werent big enough so i had a blue toenail on each foot. then i tried to find the right sports bra or something that wouldnt make me feel the jiggle. i like to watch the biggest loser...alot..it inspires me...sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way...and by negative i mean, i see some of those women who weigh more than i do, sometimes by 100 lbs and i think if that woman can haul her ass around that track so can you....but i kep thinking how do they get over the ever distracting jiggle...so i researched it...they use "compression garments" also known as girdles...those bike shorts they wear are superlycra so that they dont jiggle. everything stays together. and i thought well i have a couple of those...so i tried them and it was amazing...not only does it help me from being self conscious, it also helps me hold a better posture and contract my abs while running. i told my sister in law that one day when she has some overweight woman come to her about running...she can tell her the secret to running is a girdle...really... so my friend who is a swimmer and i are trying to plan a triathlon...all we need is a biker...and we're in...i could bike but i'd have to buy one... so 8 months ago, i was an super unhealthy unhappy woman who needed to pull my life together, transfuse the bad with the good and get on with my life...here i am working out 5-6 days a week, running 12k races and training for a 1/2 marathon. i'd like to say that an enormous amount of weight has come off but it hasnt...but i feel happier, i am healthier and have a mental ability i didnt know i had....so whats a triathlon in the mix or even a marathon by september...theres nothing (and no one) telling me i cant...

for a second

2009-05-04T12:14:00.002-06:00

i thought maybe i was being alittle too harsh about the whole run in with jb. and now i think maybe i havent been harsh enough. he never regarded any of my friends as his friends...and actually didnt have much good to say about anyone. so i have this one friend who hangs out with him and says hello to him and all that. i've tried to explain that when my friend hangs out with jb it makes me feel weird...because, 1. the friend never tells me that they have hungout(and i usually find out 2nd hand) and 2. i know they are talking about me because after i confront my friend about hanging out with jb then they tell me what happens. i dont like it enough to consider not being friends with this person anymore. anytime i even mention jb, this friend always sticks up for him even when there is nothing to stick up for him about. i'm not saying people cant all be cool with each other. i talk to people in jbs family all the time. but i dont hangout with them...i have declined every invitation to do so since we broke up. when i talk to them, i dont talk about him. i usually just say hello and thats it. there are a million other things in the world to talk about besides him (although this blog might not represent that;)) and i dont hangout with your exes. if i was your friend first, and i only hungout with your dates because they were with you...i'm probably not gonna go out for beers with them after you break up. and i'm certainly not gonna talk about you with them except to say good things.

bloomsday the A side.

2009-05-04T08:26:00.002-06:00

bloomsday was this weekend. i started doing bloomsday a couple of years ago because my friend brian said it might be a cool race to try. the first time, i went with jb, our girls and my friend lyr. we did the race and my friend watched the girls who didnt want to race. it was hard. i didnt know what to expect and i was far more out of shape. so with all the training i'm doing i thought bloomsday fit in perfectly with my schedule. rose is old enough and talented enough to run the whole thing and my friend lyr want to do it too. i was excited and nervous. i've been working up to this distance but in the last two weeks my training has been off. because of the weather and other things. 7.46 miles is not a distance i have ever run...sure i can walk anything but i wanted to be able to run the whole thing. just like i want to run the whole 1/2 marathon...not just walk it...i know it would still be an accomplishment to walk either race...but thats not my goal. as i said in the last post, i was thrown off alittle when i got there. but while i was standing at that start line...i knew i could do it...i knew i could run the whole thing...yes i had something to prove. sometimes, its ok to find motivation in things that hurt us. he hurt me, his words many times told me that i couldnt or he tried to motivate me by being negative and saying he was only trying to help. thats how i got to working out 6 days a week. he told me i didnt try hard enough or i slacked off too much...which is what got me to training for this marathon...and bloomsday. i had something to prove and i've proved it. but to be fair, if it wasnt his voice saying those things, its other peoples voices and sometimes, my own....along the way, i've found out how strong i am. i like working out. i like running and i'm going to keep pursuing this because it makes me feel good. several posts ago i wrote about how i wanted to make things that had been "ours" into new memories. so bloomsday was all of those things. he obviously is doing the same thing.... back to the start line...it was kind of cold but not too bad. i had my gear on...the only thing i really had to conquer was my mind. i made a deal with myself...i had to run until doomsday hill, then i could walk it and run to the end. i wanted to be able to say i ran everything and i had a goal of 1 hour 45 minutes. i didnt have to be superfast as long as i was always running. the first mile was a killer, only because the people hadnt spread out and i couldnt find my pace...then theres a hill which i ran...slowly but i ran it. rose had run off ahead...i encouraged her to run for time because if she ran with me...theres not much she could do for me...i have to do it for myself.... the first four miles were easy....ok maybe not easy but i've done that before so i knew i could. doomsday is about 4.5 miles into the race.i had to walk it...my knees were starting to ache. but i knew that as soon as i got to the top, i'd grab some water and go...and i did. it was a good little break. i knew i would finish. i just had to keep going. at mile 6 i had a stern talk with myself about starting to walk now when i had already come this far....but my knee was aching and i was distracted by the amount of snot in my head. i always run with kleenex or a hankie...this time i only had 2 kleenex which were shreaded and yucky by mile 2 but i kept using them. i used my only option...which was my jacket...thank god its washable...finally at mile 7 i thought i had quite a bit more to go, my knee needed a break and i had to walk....for about 10 steps until i realized...that i was at the corner...the turn that leads you downhill to the finish line.... as i started down the hill, i could hear the people cheering...i almost started to cry...because i was proud of myself...i was happy...i had worked for something and been able to accomplish exactly what i set out to do...on my own... there are lots of things lately, that remind me, when i want to give up....that i'm at that corner...that i can turn it and run to the finish line....on my own...with my own strength and my own body. i landed across the finish line at 1hour and 43 minutes...2 minutes faster than my goal...

bloomsday...the fucked up B side.

2009-05-04T07:57:00.005-06:00

I think i'm all done being nice...and lets get the fucked up stuff out of the way... i saw him again in spokane washington at the bloomsday race. i have to go 2 states away to come within 4 feet of him. i knew he was around i could feel it. i was hoping with 50,000 other people there i wouldnt see him...whats the chance? but as we were leaving the race checkin, there he was coming down the hall. he said hello to my friend. not to me. my friend claims that he said hello to jb first. it doesnt matter. jb made a point of saying hello to my friend who was furthest away from him and not even looking at me (who was less than 4 ft aways from him). it threw me off. and made me feel sad. and then pissed me off.... my friend even asked if i wanted to go home. hell, no! i trained for this race and even having the inconsiderate bastard be there wasnt going to ruin that. if anything, it made me want to run more...faster, the whole race. anger is a terrifying motivator. it took me awhile to shake it all off. most of the night. i didnt want to run into him anymore. i hoped he wasnt in the same color group as me. i ran all of the ickiness in my mind....and then...as we were getting on the hotel elevator...rose saw him get off the elevator next to us...he was in the same fucking hotel.....at least, as far as i know, he wasnt on the same floor. but i also had a feeling who he was with...he was with his ex-girlfriend. the woman he cheated on me with in round one! she's the mother of his daughter and he always seems to run back to her. i cant be sure that he didnt cheat on me again during round 2. she used to call him drunk in the middle of the night telling him how much she loved him and to come get her....and for all i know, when i wasnt around...he probably did....like i said several posts ago, the more i find out about what he was doing while we were together, the more i find out that he certainly wasnt committed to me and probably not faithful either. if theres ever a real motivator to move on...its that whole situation. if its not his bromance with his "best friend", its his on going romance with the mother of his daughter. do i know that they arent "just friends"? no but do i need to know? no because i wouldnt believe it anyway with all the lies already laid out. and a little hint that women want to share with men...if you're going to cheat...step up....cheat with someone one hotter, smart, richer, thinner ....something....but dont backslide...because it makes you look like the asshole you already are....but are trying to pretend you arent...i hope it works out for him with her this time...

sometimes i wonder

2009-04-29T23:08:00.003-06:00

what i should tell you next.... things are going...softball is coming along. tonight i ump'ed a game and both coaches bitched at me. maybe i was raised in a different school of thought but you dont challenge the ump. because i can rail the game anyway i want and i can throw you out of the game...i teach my girls that each ump is different and we cant argue with them...all we can do is move onto the next ball and make the best play that we can... i think right now thats the philosophy of my life...next ball...i read somewhere when i started coaching several years ago that if you ask a champion what they do when they make a bad play the answer is consistently...move onto the next ball..next play...whatever...if you dwell you lose... i dont want to dwell...i cant say i'm over things but i'm moving on...things are not so sordid and deep anymore... i've got lots of plans in the works. i feel liberated to be able to pass up jobs that would offer me security but not happiness. in the past i think i mistook security for happiness and i am now fully aware that they are not the same thing. in many respects i had the security of a relationship...by knowing what to expect (and not expect) and knowing all of the rules we played by. that was secure but by no means was it happiness.... sometimes i feel lost but sometimes i feel secure in knowing who i am and what i've got....i think on any given day it varies. so while i was concerned before, i'm ok with private practice, i'm ok with being alone, just like i've been ok to parent by myself for the last 15 years. security in knowing what exists hasnt been enough. i want happiness and i am willing to create it for myself by myself if thats all there is.

did you know its called "bromance"?

2009-04-21T19:38:00.003-06:00

i didnt....but today i found an article about it on about.com....i didnt know it had a name. and i didnt know other women suffered through it too....wow i feel almost liberated...if i wasnt busy regretting every moment...i know i shouldnt but right now i do...maybe its the angry stage...maybe its just the truth....i mean theres nothing i can do about it now but i certainly feels good to maintain an opinion about it.

hows it going?

2009-04-19T21:15:00.002-06:00

its busier than i can even begin to tell you. for some reason my very-limited practice is especially crazy right now. court dates, paperwork everything...clients who want to talk for hours at a time. i feel bad billing them for the time but i've offered several ways to alleviate hour long phone calls and told them as much. i also told them the point was so that they wouldnt get charged the hourly rate....but hey its not my money, and they have been fully apprised. softball should be fun. these little girls are still moldable...i mean that in a eager to learn sort of way. i like that about 12 year olds....old enough to understand not too old and full of attitude. i loved coaching...really it was the parents that i didnt enjoy. its softball folks...your daughter is never going to play olympic softball or even college ball...if you want her to, you should be taking her to camps and having her play summer competitive league too...if you dont...dont put that shit on me...i'm a volunteer. i've always been a volunteer. and if you want to bitch about how i coach...you had every opportunitty not just to come to practice and help but also to be the coach. this year, i'm coaching because nobody else would do it. my kid isnt even on the team. so if you want to complain....shut up....and do what you've been doing...nothing.... rose is off in a million things. yesterday she had a solo at music festival and then a track meet. tomorrow, the orthodontist, school, track practice, volleyball open gym and then taekwondo....holy crap i dont know how she does it. there are days she wants to keep going. this weekend was the powwow. but we didnt go because at some point, we all need to sleep. everybody in my house was asleep by 11 last night. for some reason my sleep is off lately. i'm trying to get myself back to a morning schedule. the sunshine helps alot. tomorrow i have to get everything done so i can go to rose's track meet in kalispell on tuesday. she runs the 2 mile which is always the last event of the day. but she also does long jump and triple jump which is somewhere mixed in the middle. we're back to living out of the car because we've got places to go and things to see. this weekend we are going to see my folks and go to a taekwondo tournament. when i did my taxes last week, i realized i put 40,000 miles on my car last year. i know! work, lots of trips home, tournaments, games and everything else. maybe even more this summer....the sunshine has been good so far....

in case you think i've slipped....

2009-04-16T21:20:00.003-06:00

i dont have to write it because my girl leona lewis already covered it.... Better in Time.... It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through Going coming thought I heard a knock Who's there no one Thinking that I deserve it Now I realize that I really didn't know If you didn't notice you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All that I know is I'mma be ok [Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time I couldn't turn on the TV Without something there to remind me Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh Hurt my feelings but that's the path I'll believe in And I know time will heal it If you didn't notice boy you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All I know is I'mma be ok [Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time Since there's no more you and me It's time I let you go So I can be free And live my life how it should be No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you Yes I will Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do) It'll all get better in time

i am.

2009-04-16T20:58:00.001-06:00

you know that i am so much more than just this. but its been a relief to have somewhere to dump it all. so look forward to more of that and less of this....

dont think

2009-04-16T20:54:00.002-06:00

that all of this sadness and angst has gone to waste. i know how i got here. i know what i want. i know that if i ever try this all again that i'll know when to say when. or say not at all....

its over

2009-04-16T20:22:00.004-06:00

i can tell you today that its over.... it isnt always easy to get to a place where you know its over. it seems to weave its way through things until one day, something makes you stop and realize that things keep moving and life has and will go on. i saw him a few days ago. actually i saw his car. i still have the instinct that alerts me to his presence. maybe it will go away maybe it wont. but its less and less unsettling. i had been in a court hearing all morning. it was only supposed to go for maybe 45 minutes.....four hours later. i was late for lunch with a friend. i pulled into a parking spot and there it was. and for a brief moment, i felt my plans derail. i had planned to go my favorite coffee shop which is also his favorite coffee shop and work after i finished the hearing. then go do my training workout. but seeing his car, i knew he was already there. now its not that i couldnt go in there when he was there too....i could, then he would probably leave. but i just dont feel like putting myself in that position. later while at lunch i saw him come out of there and walk across the street. like a stranger....someone who's life i no longer knew. i can only tell you about his past, our past and speculate on the present, the future. its difficult to tell people that i loved him from the very first moment i really talked to him.that was 11 years ago. it took nothing but that immediate connection. i always felt like he was a part of me, but i never felt like i was a part of him. it has taken me months and months to put aside any love i have for him and move forward. its not that i dont love him still...its that i cant give any of that to him....and i wont. he is becoming a stranger. somebody asked me if i could would i do it all over it again. and i told them sadly but honestly, no. i wouldnt. he was my best friend in that he knew all of the most vulnerable parts of my being and i knew his. but he was my worst enemy in using those to his advantage. we became strangers even before it was finished. i couldnt be myself and he couldnt be himself. i wouldnt do it over. but any question like that is all in theory and here i am now, 11 years later, moving on. i still have dreams about him but everything is with less frequency. my sad feelings, the happy feelings. the reminiscing. i know that i have done the only thing i can do which is to let time pass. to better myself and to keep going. hoping for greatness, but being satisfied just to wake up in the morning....

a thought

2009-04-11T13:11:00.002-06:00

i went out last night with a bunch of my friends. i had one social appearance to make and then moved onto some random bar i've never been to..... and it was a great time, lots of fun, lots of laughs, a jukebox, some pool, the only gay man in the whole bar immediately zeroing in on me (its a gift).... and this morning in thinking about the evening, it all seemed different. for the first time in a really long time, and i do mean, realllllyyyy long, i didnt think about him, i didnt feel like something was missing. i didnt wonder what he was doing or reminisce about places we had been or songs we played on the jukebox.... and its a relief. it was just me, having fun.... now when i think about it for a moment, that kind of letting go makes me sad. but in the moment of it, it allows me to be present, to be fully aware, to have a good time without guilt or wonder. and thats whats a relief. so much of my time was spent trying to accommodate someone who didnt really want to be accommodated nor did he want to accommodate me. to find the balance of selfless and selfish gives me a huge release....an opportunity for things to just be about me. maybe people dont think that, but rarely is my life ever about me. even when it should be, i've changed the course to make it about other people. i had a baby young. i had a career and education. then i had a relationship and all of those things came before me. i cant think of a time when i've gone out and its just been about me...not worrying about other people or who was where and with whom. if everything was alright....my choices in life reflect that...my work, the person i chose to have a relationship with, my volunteerism, etc. its all very apparent. so last night was a good lesson. people say once you've experienced something it makes repeating it easier and easier. my work is to make things about me and allow them to be...in my head.

quick random drive-by posting

2009-04-07T21:26:00.003-06:00

yesterday makes it seven months....i'm better, not over it, but better. the thoughts are more fleeting and temporary, even the good ones and i'm moving on. its been difficult but i'll be honest and say that i thank him for not answering when i call. i'm glad that he can be strong enough to stay away (maybe its not strength...maybe thats truly what he wants...either way) because i know, he knows, shit you know...that he wont give me what i want. and i deserve what i want. do i wish him well right now? maybe...but i'm angry and the more i find out the angrier and sadder i get about it...but it passes quickly and i get on with my life. rose had her first track meet yesterday...that kid is incredible...always tries her hardest...always puts in the work to really improve...shes a good example to me.... next week, i start coaching softball again. i liked coaching the 12 year olds. it was the 14 year old girls that put me over the edge. so it should be fun.... i'm glad to have had the last 6 months on a leisurely schedule...because spring promises none of that. theres a race in a month. i've found someone to train me for the 1/2 marathon in july. i did my first outdoor, training scheduled work out today. and i felt good about it. i appreciate the days when i can appreciate what my body can do. i've got more cases coming in to my private practice and am finishing more with my judgeship. all prove to be exciting. powwow season is starting and i have been sewing and creating pretty consistently. i'm back in a cleaning mood...not like wall washing but cleaning house, getting rid of things, passing stuff onto other people who need or will appreciate it more. today i gave a gift that had been given to me several years ago onto my cousin who i know will put it to good use. its not just the strength of out of sight out of mind with those kind of reminders but i feel ready to let some of them go...and i'm glad. my social schedule is starting to fill up...not with dates...i'm still not comfortable with that but just with getting out with my friends, having fun, laughing and being around people that i enjoy.

next week i'm giving a talk at the law school about what i've been doing....what i've been doing is falling down ten times and getting up eleven.

on the subject of dates...when you suggest someone to me...please tell me why you think we'd like each other...a couple of people have suggested guys that i have nothing in common with except being single...believe me...its not enough...that doesnt mean i wont get to know them but i want someone who makes me laugh, who is kind and generous, and can balance the chasm between selfishness and selflessness. someone who values family and culture and who would feel just as comfortable drinking a bud light at the silver dollar as a martini at a dc reception...because thats the kind of stuff i do and goes along with my work and life....powwow and rodeo would be an added bonus:) ok i think thats a list you can all work off of.... remember to wave at me when i run by you....

the lent report

2009-03-31T08:21:00.002-06:00

its funny how as soon as you say you arent going to do something, you do it...in full force...for no apparent reason. i gave up self sabotage for lent and in the weeks since lent started, i appear to have done nothing but.... it started with me slowly not keeping good track of my food. then to slowing down my workouts, or skipping my workouts. i keep my mileage on a calendar next to my work desk so i can see how much or how little i have done in a week. and its been lacking... then that seemed to give me permission to keep slacking, to eat bad and drink too much... which then somehow all ends in one big berating...part of my need to work out has been to get out of my mind, to stop listening to the voices that tell me i cant or better yet tell me even if i do, i'll still suck. lately i seem to be struggling with the rejection part of the grieving process. its been an underlying current all the way through this but i didnt want to admit it until now. i know there are viable, reasonable answers for all of the questions i ask myself but it never stops the current of rejection that i feel. i ask myself and others....i gave everything, he gave nothing and yet he doesnt want me...he can still walk away cleanly and happily and keep going on about his life. and he has. i know that i'm the one who ended it but it still feels as though he rejected me not the other way around. its been nothing but a huge emptiness. even when i can talk about, i know that it wasnt a good place for me to be, it wasnt transparent and the more i find out, the less trust i should have given him. but it doesnt reduce the amount of rejection i feel. and its a really lonely kind of rejection....i keep wanting an answer i know isnt coming. i used to talk to my therapist about wanting to just know why and she reminded me that i may never know and even if i did, how would it matter, why would it matter, it wouldnt change how things ended or were in our relationship. there are things i have been putting off doing for the last 6 months or so, just in case, in case of what i dont know...maybe that we could be friends, because i know theres no reconciliation. i know that if i proceed with those things it will seal the final nail and maybe thats what i have been afraid of. but i realize i'm still trying to give to someone who not only doesnt want it but wont give anything back...ever....period....so its time to address those things. soon. and know what i know on the face of things, that after that, theres no turning back. so today i'm resolving just to get through today...no big heroic deeds have to get done, no deep liberating feelings have to be accomplished. i just need to get from here to there without destroying the accomplishments i have.

thinking

2009-03-31T08:20:00.001-06:00

everyday i think of things i want to blog...then i dont...for whatever reason. maybe i dont want to talk about it..again...maybe i forget...whatever...but there always seems to be lots to tell and i havent been doing much telling.

you can....

2009-03-23T22:43:00.002-06:00

so for all of this time i have really tried to be civil about this whole breakup...somehow civil means to not badmouth or even lay blame or possibly criticize....and deep inside maybe wish for reconciliation or at least friendship....and well, fuck....i'm over that...now...today.... i know that some of you have things that you didnt say out of respect for me...maybe not respect for him but for me you didnt badmouth him...you didnt tell me other things or there were things you assumed i knew....i would ask you as my friends to assume this....that i knew nothing...tell me everything...because as i put all the pieces together....and really i am on the need to know basis right now...it helps me keep perspective...it helps me be real...it helps me stay in the present and not go back to the past...the present says you are exactly where you need to be...the past says maybe i should have done something different .....and right now i am not willing to listen to the past.... its hard to separate myself from the last ten years but the further i delve....the more i know...the more i learn that i was the only one invested...i was the only one who gave a shit....and why should i deny that i am now angry about that? because before i was embarrassed by the fact that i gave all this time, all this love, all this energy to someone who didnt feel the same.....it made me feel stupid for investing everything i had into someone who didnt even let me know who he really was....as i put the pieces together now...i'm starting to see who he was.... in the last post i admitted that i believe in signs...i do and today was full of them...signs that i should have paid attention to...signs that i saw over the last ten years and ignored...signs that are now so obvious that i cant ignore them anymore without admitting my stupidity....fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me....fooling me 3 times makes me stupid....which i just refuse to be. dont be afraid to tell me....because i need to know...spring is here and new life begins....mine yours and everything around us...it doesnt always pay to be polite or considerate of someone who doesnt deserve my loyalty... i need to know...

get set....go....

2009-03-23T22:18:00.002-06:00

the marathon... well since rose is in track we agreed to run bloomsday together...i really do love that she is old enough to pursue things with like races but still my baby enough to need her momma.... we used to do races together before but we would run part of it and walk part of it and i was always worried about working her too hard...now i think she's worried about working me too hard....i love that girl... today at track practice she got athlete of the week....and she deserves it...her gift to me is to always show me that she puts everything she has into what ever she is doing (except maybe the housework but you know housework isnt high on the list of things to be done well). she works hard, she trains hard and she is dedicated...and i admire and feel like it makes me step up more because i need to show her that i am dedicated too... last night on the biggest loser, the teams had to run a 1/2 marathon which is what i agreed to do in the summer. some people call those coincidences...i call them signs...i saw so many of them finish what they started in 3 hours 2 hours whatever....i know i can...because there is a voice out there telling me i cant....its a voice that may belong to me....or you...or somebody else from my life...and everyday i hear that voice....so i work up to not hearing it...or proving it wrong.... i'm treating myself to a heart rate monitor and a good sports bra and we're onto race season. i need a good trainer...not a jillian but a bob...

tongue in cheeks;)

2009-03-13T21:01:00.004-06:00

Three jobs I have had in my life:1. picture framer 2. Short order cook3. judge Three places I have lived:1. Lodge Grass, MT is my home 2. D.C. 3. St. Ignatius,MT Three favorite drinks1. tea 2. wine 3. Water ( the holy trinity) Three TV shows that I watch:1. Beverly Hills, 90210 (so?) 2. CSI-Miami 3. Bizarre Foods Three places I have been:1. New Zealand (arohanui, whanua) 2. Hawaii (2 islands) 3.Albuquerque People that e-mail me more often than other people:1. Some guy name Michael Vincent who emails me about jobs in the spambox (and other dirty things;)) 2. My auntie Lindo 3. karen Three of my favorite foods:1. meat 2. huckleberries 3. wine is a food Three things I am looking forward to:1. sleeping 2. becoming famous (it doesnt matter how) 3. meeting the man of my dreams like my horoscopes keep saying.... Three names people call me:1. LD ( i like that one best) 2. Auntie Bean (as i have said before, no you may not...if you are under the age of 18...by all means...) 3.Dena...seems like only my family calls me this.... big kisses peeps....

movie business

2009-03-12T22:26:00.003-06:00

not that you care but you should know: 1. i hate the movie the princess bride...no matter how many times i try...i hate it...that also goes for pulp fiction and the royal tennebaums....i've tried in several different moods to watch and i cant. 2. there are lots of movies i could watch over and over and over again...god bless tnt and tbs for always playing them....spanglish, the godfather, the american president and i will admit, i still watch dirty dancing... 3. i once dated a man who said i watched "films" not movies and alleged that i was a cinema snob....yeah ok...whatever....ok maybe...i have seen A LOT of foreign films and i like them...subtitles dont bother me and if i dont feel like reading them...then i watch tnt.... 4. i dont like cowboy movies...now rodeo movies thats a different story... 5. i once made a movie...i was the unit production manager for a production company out of la. i loved movie making and the movie actually won some awards but when it came time to decide to commit to it (which meant moving to LA) well, i couldnt do it...i had a relationship, a child and a letter of acceptance to the law school of my choice....sometimes i had to pick the sure thing and i dont regret it.... 6. for all the movies i love....i actually think the last adult movie i saw in the theater was no country for old men which would have been last winter....i did take rose to see wall-e which she loved and i hated... 7. i'm hauling myself to see slumdog millionaire this weekend if i can...i dont usually buy into the movie/oscar/ pr hype...i actually avoid those movies until much later when i can see them without being surrounded by other opinions but there are some movies i just want to see... 8. i dont like to eat the movie popcorn but sometimes do because rose likes it...i prefer the nachos with the extra pickled jalapenos...if i'm gonna splurge thats what i want.... 9. i miss that rose doesnt want to see all the kiddy movies anymore... 10. she laughs because i thought harry potter's 200 movies were a little scary. 11. one of my top redeeming cool mom qualities right now is that i knew one of the project runway producers...we worked on the movie together and she's from missoula. 12. 2 seasons ago i saw a friend i had lost touch with on the Kay jewelers christmas commercial.... 13. one of my summer camp homies is a huge porn star.... like fan club famous...its weird and cool and still weird.

i know its kind of cheap

2009-03-11T23:19:00.001-06:00

but sometimes i have to honestly wonder if any of this, if any of our time together, if feeling like my heart is so broken i cannot fix it...even matters to him....i would like to pretend it does and knowing him as well as i do....i would still like to pretend it does...but somehow i cant guarantee that...and it makes me sad....

storing it all up

2009-03-11T23:13:00.002-06:00

often i think about topics i want to write about. then i dont...at least for a while...so some nights, i get a wild hair and a glass of wine to sit down and write out all of the things in my head. but it gets late and i have to sleep...so always know that there is lots more coming.

i'm a planner

2009-03-11T23:05:00.002-06:00

even though there are things people dont want to talk about like death...its going to happen. when you have a child you dont have the luxury of denial and believe me, denial is a luxury...so last week, i told my family what i want to happen to me when i die. i knew a girl who died at 25 who had it all planned out...it was in a letter in her top dresser drawer....when she died, i think it was a huge asset to her family to have those wishes out there...so that they didnt have to make actual decisions as much as they had to follow them... i have songs and food and clothes and issues about burial that i want honored. as i told them, they dont have to like them, they just have to follow them...i picked my pallbearers, my clothes, my services.... today at the gym i ran into one of the men i requested to be a pallbearer. he has no idea but in our brief conversation, i was reminded why i chose him.... i know that he will honor me in that walk to the end because he honored while we walked here together now. as a lawyer but more importantly as a part of a community that deals with death on the most hands-on level...plan...make your wishes known...because at the end the people to make decisions are the ones who are already suffering the most....help them then, just as you would help them now.

Pray for me now….

2009-03-11T23:04:00.000-06:00

Last Friday I finally decided to go out with my friends…to be proactive and call people and make plans…so I did. I met one friend for a beer and he suggested we do the art walk in Missoula. While at the Missoula Art Museum, we ran into some of my other friends…one woman in particular that I’ve always wanted to hangout with more….so on the fly we decided to have dinner with them which turned into a great evening of wine, food, fun discussions and……committing to run a ½ marathon with her in the summer…. And I don’t regret it….we also planned a book club and a poker night….I remember how much I like to be social but I also remember how hard it is to do some of these things and try to let go of my past. I haven’t had so much fun in a long time though…so I’m continuing to make time to commit to me and part of that is to accommodate my social side with people that I enjoy. The ½ marathon part I’m not really sweating…why? Because in my entire life, for better or for worse, if you told me I couldn’t do something….my response to you…is always the same thing (mature or not) which is fuck you…I’ll show you…it’s the little sister in me who couldn’t play or hangout because I was smaller, or a girl or just not cool….and I still react that way…for better or for worse. So marathon with the girls, here we come….

anniversaries

2009-03-11T23:01:00.003-06:00

Lets keep going…last weekend was the 6-month mark. And I would like to pretend to tell you that I’m over it, that its ok, that I’m moving on….but I don’t feel like that…you know the first time around and maybe other times with other men, I’ve felt ok, I’ve felt over it and I never really felt heart broken…. I’ve felt sad and lonely and angry. But it took a good talk with my friend last weekend to be able to admit that I am heart broken…that I never planned a life without him so its like taking all the things you’ve planned, all the dreams you’ve dreamt and then suddenly telling yourself and everybody else (who may or may not be surprised) that “shit, its not gonna happen.” i feel like the second week of a break-up...the first week you are filled with resolve, to move on, that he doesnt deserve you, that you're too good and you will be happier without him...its that second week, when you start to miss him, to wish you could fix it, to possibly want him back, even with the bad and possibly no more good, when you start making deals with yourself about how it will be when you go back if you just act a certain way.....its painful and heart wrenching and sleep depriving....and there is no place for me to go...the only place i feel like i can tell this story is here....i cant tell him which is obvious in that in the six months time he hasnt returned the message i left him nor could he even say hello to me when standing 12 inches from me..... Disappointment I can deal with, it’s the aftermath of having dreamt those dreams….it took me along time to admit my dreams to someone, to have so much faith that I believed I could tell one person all I’ve ever wanted…then to have to wipe all of that out because those dreams and plans involved that person….i think in order to move on i have to admit the heart break, deal with it and in the interim develop new dreams, new goals, new faith in what i can do and want....so if you wonder whats taking me so long...once something is truly broken it takes some time for it to heal.

In My Life

2009-03-05T22:45:00.002-07:00

Somedays i feel like dena-downer...so i hide. but then i realize that what if today is all of me...who i am...what i have to give...and its maybe that feeling of feeling too much that i'm hiding from...and thats all there is....i've been spending alot of time alone...alot of time thinking....i feel like i have to hide my feelings still because i should be onto other things by now...i love youtube...it brought me back to alot of music i love and some i have forgotten i love so much....like the last album johnny cash did before he died...if you dont cry during hurt i dont know what will make you....i had also forgotten that he did a remake of one of my all time favorite songs...the song i had wanted played at my wedding and at my funeral....we all have songs that move us like that...if you have the chance check it out on youtube....but even though the beatles wrote it...johnny cash made it... There are places i'll remember All my life though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends i still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life i've loved them all But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When i think of love as something new Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them In my life i love you more Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them In my life i love you more In my life i love you more

giving and giving up

2009-03-01T15:23:00.004-07:00

In the last post, I explained that I am not Catholic but somehow I am the most Catholic of my family. I like church, i like the rosary, i like the hymns....etc...theres a lot of comfort i find in catholicism. i have considered getting baptized but have not gone forward with it yet. a few years ago i read an article in reader's digest about what people give up for lent. the article though discussed not just the idea of sacrifice but also the idea of being pro-active. its jist was that lent was a chance not just to give things up but perhaps to do things that you had never done before. one man decided to visit people in nursing homes for lent as a way to give something rather than give up something. i dont usually talk about what i give up for lent because as in most things, its private to me...i dont want to open the door for discussion or scrutiny or whatever may come with talking about it. but i always do something. this in year in continuing on, i decide to take the ideas that i had read and be proactive about my life during this time. like i said at new year's i've already made my resolutions and many of those involve items that i may have given up for lent in the past. i'm giving up self-sabotage for lent. anyone reading who says what is she talking about....knows exactly what i'm talking about...maybe not what i do but what you do...its the minute you get close to a goal, only to stop and pretend you dont want it anymore...its losing a pound and rewarding yourself with cake, its letting people treat you like shit because somewhere your inner voice said you deserve it. its treating other people like shit because you cant take how bad you feel about yourself. much of what got me to where i was and where i am now is the voice inside my head. there was a time in my life where i was surrounded by alot of negative people who used their bad self-esteem to confirm my bad self-esteem. we become who we surround ourselves with. i have eliminated many of those people from my life, not all of them but most. and the longer i know people, the more i know what to keep from them or share. in recovery they talk about getting honest...getting honest with other people but also getting honest with yourself. while i may not be in recovery for many of the typical issues people think of needing 12 step programs for, i am in recovery for many other things, things you dont know about and things you may come to find out about here. self-sabotage doesnt allow you to be honest with yourself. its the voice that gives you permission to derail yourself from your goals, from what you want with whatever incentive it needs to get you away from it...booze, food, love, unworthiness, lies, truth. sometimes self sabotage gives you what you want by you treating other people shitty or better than or whatever...there are lots of words i dont like to use (for a number of reasons) but its the projection of our own wants and needs and our belief that we are unworthy of having those needs met. i dont like to use the word projection but i know thats part of the ideal that i am giving up. i think internally i have always been a person that believed if i gave what a person needed then i would get back what i needed. but the problem was that i didnt give myself what i needed in order to get back what i needed from me. so for 40 days i am going to give it a shot and with that comes honesty and sticking up for myself and even distancing from things and people i dont know how else to protect myself and my goals from. from now till then, who knows what will fill up my easter basket.

Lent

2009-03-01T15:10:00.003-07:00

Realistically, I was not raised in the Catholic church. I was not baptized so I could not complete the process of confirmation and all of the other elements of being Catholic. But I was surrounded by Catholicism and it, of any organized religion, has been the most influential in my life. My father used to take me to church. When I was in college a group of us would go to church together. I had rosaries and photos of the Last Supper like every other Indian Catholic I knew. Those items are some of my most prized possessions, not just because of what they mean but more about who they came from. My kokum gave me those things along with my Bible and I keep them with me as much to be close to her as to remember the lessons she taught me. My Gramma Emma was a good Catholic who had great faith in prayer. I dont remember her ever talking to me about Lent. When I was in high school of friend of mine told me what she was giving up for Lent. It had never occurred to me to even consider participating in Lent. But I did and have every year since then. I dont participate in the services of Ash Wednesday and dont actually get crazy on Fat Tuesday. But as I have gotten older, I realized that all Lent is is a timeframe of sacrifice. Many tribal religions have incorporated elements of sacrifice into prayer--fasting, sweating, staying awake, piercing, markings and even cutting are all parts of sacrificing one's self for prayer....giving something to get something....so the idea of giving up something important to me for a period of time to encourage prayer seems instilled in me. I've never talked to my daughter about Lent. For some reason, even when she was very small, she didnt like church. So I never forced it, there are many things like Lent that I participate in alone and without sharing. The other day she came home and told me what she was giving up for Lent. I was a little surprised but took at as an opportunitty to talk about how it applies to our life and the bigger picture. Sometimes history repeats itself before we know its become history.

to honor her

2009-02-18T22:48:00.002-07:00

i have written before about the importance of a name and the gifts that people give us even when we dont know them...at the time... last weekend the oldest apsaalooke woman died. she was 99 years old. if you put her life into perspective...she has lived a thousand lives that many of us will never even dream....i knew her...i knew her because she gave my family a great honor. she named my daughter. Annuchubaan Bia---Headwater Woman is the name Rose was given when she was 3 years old. A name is not something the receiver chooses...its a gift....that arrives to you like a flower bulb...you may not see the beauty in it at first....but your name becomes planted in you and it will grow in whatever way you nuture it. I would say this woman's name but early on in her journey to the other side camp, people believe that if you continue to say her name she will think you are calling her back....and thats not what i want for her. This name she gifted to us was the very first name she was given....it was significant of her birth place...in red lodge, montana near the headwaters of the river....the headwaters are where things begin....they can begin with great force or gain momentum as they move toward the ocean....when she gave that name to rose, i thought it was a beautiful name but i didnt know what it would mean to my daughter...as she grows and becomes a woman, it has lead her to be powerful, to lead, to be courageous...as she is the beginning of something great and powerful and important....she is the headwaters of all things phenomenal.... and i am grateful that this apsaalooke bia believe that rose was gifted enough to allow my daughter to carry her name.... they laid her to rest today and circumstances did not allow us to be there....but i want people to know that she has honored us and i will always be grateful for the seed she planted in my daughter--she has become her name and her name has become her...we wish her namer all the great blessings that the other place holds for her...

the good and the bad

2009-02-08T17:22:00.002-07:00

so as i said...i've decided to become a runner...i need to, for awhile, dedicate myself to something other than losing weight...let me be clear...i dont love running...but i like the challenge...i like that i can run 4.5 miles in a hour...or that i can run long stretches continuously. i want to increase my speed and my distance and have set a goal of having at least one long run a week...believe me i'm not running 12 miles on any given day (thats uncle lewis the triatholoners long run) but i want to accomplish this...and for right now consistency is the key... i didnt work out friday..so i promised myself that i would work out saturday...i cant sleep lately so i wake up later...but i made sure to be up in time to do a long run at the gym...but i also needed to do my roots because, well, i'm vain and even at the gym there are things that distract me and make me selfconscious...those things take away from my workout...so i did them... i also promised rose she could go with me and we would meet my cousin there..... thats all the good...we got to the gym with only an hour left until they closed....and there it was....his car....and of course, that also meant him.... rose saw it too and she said, well we dont have to go in....and at that moment i had a very quick very direct discussion with myself....what matters most isnt whether you have no fear...its whether you let the fear stop you....and i said no... i need MY workout and i'm not going to let him being there stop me....but i also needed to show her that i have nothing to hide from.... a couple of months ago i walked into barnes and noble and he was there. i didnt realize it was him but she did....i'm proud that she is a girls girl...she did what any of my friends would do...which of course was to whisper that he was over there and to be ok when i turned around and left...without a lecture and without anything but full support. but i cant turn around all the time especially when it means i have to give something up thats important to me. sooner or later we would have to come face to face....and he damn well knows that this is the gym i work out in...i dont go to any other gym....and i dont go to the gym he works out in...in the meantime, my cousin who was inside let me know that yes that was him and yes he was on the treadmill.... and i said fuck it...the worst he can do is say something mean...or nothing at all.... so i took a big breath...and went in....knowing that we hadnt spoken to each other in 5 months...and i'm still having a very hard time with it even though i am the one who left... its also important to know that yesterday was the fifth month....to the day. i had planned to run and so i did. he was on the middle treadmill and being that are only three no matter which one i got on it was right next to him. i hopped on and put my headphones in and got started...neither of us said a word....i ran for a half hour before he left...the hardest part was that there he was, this man i had loved for 10 years and still do love, standing less than a foot from me...and neither of us said anything.... it was so hard to concentrate because a million things were going through my mind....but i was also determined not to stop running because some how, and maybe as always, i wanted to show him what i could do, what i had accomplished.... at one point i realized that no one else was in the room but the two of us....which left me hopeful and then disappointed...because i didnt do anything and he didnt do anything....i dont know what i wanted him to do other than to say hello.... and i knew that i couldnt do it....i have a pretty good idea of what was going through his head...i just needed to read the indicators...and after all this time i still know.... i wanted to talk to him but 3 weeks ago i left him a message telling him that i hoped he was doing good and that i missed him and i never got a response... and he never said a word....when he got off the treadmill, he could have turned away from me to get off but he didnt, he tucked his head down, and turned toward me and jumped off as if he had just realized who was running next to him..... once he was gone, i continued my run for the rest of the time that i had....but all day i couldnt help but feel empty. my horoscope the day before said, you arent really ready to pursue anything new because you arent finished dealing with the past....deal with it before you try to move on.... so i am....

dating

2009-02-02T21:52:00.002-07:00

i've never been one to date...i mean really as far as most people know i've only been with two people in my whole life...the donor to my daughter and the man i love but cant stay with.... i've always been one of those girls who wanted to know somebody first...i dont like "date" complete strangers...although i have pursued them....during law school jb and i took what we called the sabbatical...about 15 months apart...i met a man who somehow encouraged me to be forward again...he made the offer and i pursued it....and it was fun, he was fun but as we got to know each other we knew that it wasnt " meant to be"...or whatever the term is when you think you have a future together...about the time we ended it was the time that jb and i rekindled which was 7 years ago....wow thats a long time and i still know those guys....of course realizing that we were only meant to be friends...i always called it "hanging out" i'm just hanging out with someone because for me to be serious means involving a whole lot of other people than just myself....while i may have dated more than those 2 i have brought very few people home...because i'm like that...if i introduce you to my daddy you better be ready....because my daddy is my world...and if you meet my momma you better be ready to impress her...and then theres my kid....i dont introduce her to just anybody... its interesting to note that i've started dating again as she is getting ready to date....as i said earlier...its not that she cant date....its that she chooses not to....theres a very nice boy she likes and i use my own status to spark discussions about dating, commitment and all the other things important in a girls life... but its still difficult. while i dont know what i'm ready for, i have a few ideas about who i'm ready for and i have to take all of those things into consideration....because now she knows what the difference is.... and so do i...

time well spent

2009-01-31T00:26:00.002-07:00

so for the past two days i have been sitting at the hospital....several months ago my friend becca asked me to be her birthing coach....mainly i think because her husband had taken a job in another town and she wasnt sure if he would make it in time if she went into labor..... after 2 almost full days of breathing and pushing and pain....baby payton was born at 9:50 pm january 30, 2009....having only been on the giving end of birth and not ever seeing it from any other angle, the whole experience was fascinating...of course no one wants to see her friend in pain and becca was in a lot of pain....i thoroughly enjoy and was honored to be a part of the whole experience....it was amazing and fascinating and wonderful to be a part of something so ordinary and so monumental.... my baby is already 14 and in high school with a very nice boy who seems to like her...and she has grown so fast in front of me and at times i still see her as a little girl....so to see someone starting that journey and a journey becca so wanted is hopeful and delicate and something i appreciate more than anybody really knows....

its official

2009-01-27T18:36:00.003-07:00

i'm not all that sure i like this new layout but we'll try it out for awhile... in other news, i am now officially a runner...i dont know what makes it official except that i have been running for 60 minutes for a few weeks...today i ran 4.5 miles in 60 minutes...before there were days i couldnt imagine even wanting to run for 60 minutes. but i'm challenging myself...running used to be something other people did and by other people i mean skinny people....but i know lots of non-skinny people who run so why cant i?

i have to tell you

2009-01-26T23:45:00.002-07:00

i love being a stay at home housewife without the husband.... i do what i want...of course i have to make some rules for myself about what gets done in a day but i do what i want when i want and it never involves leaving my house! why does that seem so joyful? because i havent worked at home since 2004? i love to work at home...i like to take breaks when i want to and be super productive when the mood hits me...sometimes i can do 3 days worth of work in a six hour stretch when the mood strikes (or the pressures on;)) i like to make tea and sit in the tub in the middle of the day. i like to change clothes if the ones i have on dont work for me...i like to paddle around in my new pink walmart slippers....like to listen to the tv when i am typing....and i like to sleep with my dog until 9 am....i realize that my life is pretty charmed right now and i am grateful for the opportunity to heal and grow on my own terms. tomorrow i think i will bake a cake...

lets just get this last one out of the way

2009-01-26T23:18:00.002-07:00

so things have been going well...i'm coming up with a plan and focusing on how i can do what i want to do with as little work as possible...i got turned down for 3 jobs this week...and really i dont even care.... because i have faith that i can make things happen the way i want them to at least for a little while.... so i'm cool...i've got plans and i have asked people to help me implement those plans.... last week a sweet old lady that i like died....thats obviously a natural theme where i live.... whats not a natural theme though is the evil that people are...i ran into someone that i havent seen in a long time...pre-breakup even....and she asked me about jb and how i was...i just said i broke up with him about 4 months ago....she said....but of course you're happier right? and the answer in honest terms is ....i dont think so...no i'm not happier without him...its part of the struggle i'm having...i know i cant go back but i'm not happier without him...did she ask me if my life is less stressful without him? no and if she did thats a different answer....yes my life is less stressful...but no its not any happier than it was when i was with him...why? i think because the things that make me happy on a daily basis, he knew how to address and did...its the big picture that we didnt have...whats worse though is that this person was really hoping that i would say "YES MY LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT HIM!!!!!" so she could go on and on about how much she didnt like him and what a piece of shit he was etc etc etc....and i didnt give her that in my answer....its funny because i mentioned this whole conversation to my friend mo and she said " i bet she was disappointed in your answer" and for real, she was....and i wasnt...i dont think i should have to lie to make other people feel ok...its part of the secrets bullshit that i no longer choose to participate in....no i am not happier without him....yes i do still miss him....my life is different...i cant say better or worse...just different...i know what i want....and i no longer am willing to compromise....or be who i am not...last week i saw his daughter...i talked to her because what else should i do...ignore her...i loved that little girl for 11 years....maybe she didnt love me back but that doesnt excuse my feelings for her....she seemed surprised..and i dont care...i do keep up on what she does...thats what we talked about...she seemed surprised but kind of relieved....she and my own daughter are innocent bystanders of our own mess....i dont stop loving a kid just because her dad said so.... just like obama...when you take someone as your family you dont just let them fade away...i cant be as active or as influential in her life as i would like to be but i can give her what i can, when i can....and i feel that way toward all his family....i want the best for her...i want her life to be better....i want her to be the best she can be...even if no one else believes that for her.... so i keep trucking along knowing that my wishes are ok and worthwhile....and that some peoples are not and thats ok....

Obama

2009-01-20T10:30:00.002-07:00

On this very historic inauguration day, i thought this is an important story too....when sonny and mary took him as their son, he has a duty to them forever, as their son...its not fleeting or casual, its deep and meaningful and lasting. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/19/AR2009011903235.html?referrer=facebook

no i'm not hungry

2009-01-19T12:20:00.003-07:00

grieving and healing is the same f-ing rollercoaster that the actual thing i am grieving was and possibly more... on any given day of the seven i may feel exactly like this or any week may be a combination of all seven or one of each or a sprint of several...its like going to wendys and picking my combo meal items....only its the combo meal of emotions and i might need to biggie size the wellbutrin....and order a frosty of pinot grigio.... sundays--i rest and try to put it out of my head because i know whats coming. monday--i still love him and miss him tuesday--i hate him and all the shitty things he did wednesday--who? thursday--i love and hate him but dont miss him.... friday--i hope he's doing well for ten seconds and then move on with my own thoughts. saturday--i hope i can go to barnes and n0ble or the good food store without incident... somedays are more venomous than others some are more sappy and somedays the whole thing doesnt get more than ten minutes...its a stressful ten minutes but thats what it gets...somedays it gets the whole 24 hours, even in my sleep.... i would like to try a different combo meal possibly from a different place....

sometimes i feel like the only one

2009-01-18T22:23:00.003-07:00

i know that overall my life is going really well...i'm not dying, i havent had to really work and i'm getting to focus on myself....but i feel very alone in the sense of mourning whats happening in my life....it seems stupid to me, and i do mean stupid, that most days, i feel like i am the only one who misses that relationship. including the other participant. i know its possibly unreasonable but i guess that i dont know that its probably unreasonable...the difficulty right now isnt that the feeling is rational, its just that its the overwhelming feeling...how did this start after i have been feeling so strong and on track? his cousin invited me to be her friend on myspace. i was looking through her pictures and there was a picture, taken very recently, of him and he looked so happy. it wasnt the imagined-put-on happy, it was a look of happiness i havent seen on him in a long time and whats worse i guess is that i begrudge him that. of course i say i want him to be happy and i want him to find what and who makes him happy. but if i'm honest, i guess i wish i knew that all of this hurts him as much as it hurts me and i dont know that and because i know the situation, i dont believe that. and not only does it make me feel stupid, its makes me feel alone....why do i always feel like the only one invested? why do i feel like the only one who really put ten years of their life in, only to have to walk away into nothing and with nothing.... i dont even have to ask people( and believe me, i really dont ask) and everyone tells me "oh he seems really happy, he seems really great" and i feel sad because i dont feel really happy or really great. it also makes me feel responsible in away that i dont usually feel. and i reply thats great, i'm glad for him because part of me is and part of me isnt.... the first time we broke up, i tried to get through by telling myself "he's not sitting at home crying over me, why should i do the same?" and that was true of the situation....he moved on and while it hurt, it made me have to move on too, maybe not to someone new but at least to the next section of my life. i dont know whats going on in his life, because i dont ask anybody...not because i dont want to know but more because i dont want to seem like i want to know and because if i know, it might hurt me even more than not knowing...foolish i realize but at some point in feeling so alone, i feel really like i have to protect myself. it goes back to moments like the phone call....i would answered and i would have talked to him if he had called me...and even if he called me back i would have answered. but reciprocation isnt there and maybe never was....i know he'll never call....it goes back to knowing him and knowing that somehow he can walk away from all of this into whatevers next....in any other situation, i admired that ability...but in being the recipient, its more difficult that even the worst moments of the actual relationship. like i said, this blog isnt always for the exact uplifting tidbit, its really for me to work through all the thoughts in my head including those like this...where a person stands on the edge looking back and has to ask herself what was that? and how do you tell if it even mattered to them?and why does it matter to me that it matter to him? i know rationally that it really shouldnt matter whether or not it matters to him or it hurts him or whatever....but i cant help feeling that way right now.... and whats even sadder is that people dont admit that in their saddest moments, they feel like this too...

Crabby Cancer

2009-01-15T16:51:00.002-07:00

i like to read my horoscope...i always have and i read about two of them a day...that doesnt mean i believe every word but its one of those things where i say..what can it hurt? its interesting that my horoscope has been very on lately...my astrology also seems to go very closely with my chinese calendar (see i told you). todays seems exceptionally poignant while i am going through some things this week. i continue to believe that prayer is a powerful thing...that wishing good things into the universe is a great gift not just for those wished for but for those wishing. last night i listened to a man speak about a dream he had. in this dream he saw a trail head and that trail was going to take him to "his" place. in his waking life he knew where that trail head was but had never climbed it before. when he got there, a song came to him. while he was telling this, he was overcome by the power of what he said and what following that offering had meant for him...i am warmed to see people who believe so deeply in the gifts they are given and that there is no shame in his opportunity to be thankful for it. where i was last night is important to me, i wasnt raised in that place but i was brought into it and i am greatful to pray with these people. i see men there who emulate the qualities that i seek in a mate and one of them being that i want someone i can pray with like that, someone who even if they have never gone before, will be open to praying with me and with these people and understand the greatness and strength that i believe prayer has. our prayers are all carried up in songs and i also admire a man who is not afraid to sing and hear his own voice. as indian people, we are taught that prayer has existed for us since the beginning of time, since humans were created and before when only animals existed. it is important to ask for our prayers and be mindful of what may come if our prayers are answered. i thought today's horoscope was a point in the direction to be mindful of my requests and make them about me, not about someone else. and while what happened last night shared a lot of similarities with other experiences i have had there with other people, i need to look forward to what i want and be specific and mindful. i know what the past is and i dont want to compare it to my future. because the past had its value but its gone on and i have only the present and the future. Daily Extended for January 15, 2009 (Today) Cancer 6/22 – 7/22 Overview As you embark upon a new relationship or project, it's only natural that a failed relationship or project from the past should enter your mind. But before you start focusing on all the similarities, look at the contrasts! You can't start letting the past cast a shadow over your present -- you need to stay open and positive right now. It can be hard to do push your fears aside, but you can if you push hard enough and often enough. Whenever stinkin' thinkin' pops into your mind, push it out!

is it really weak?

2009-01-13T16:26:00.002-07:00

to continue to care? lots of you have gotten my emergency texts about calling jb. and i've avoided it even when i want to the most...for lots of reasons, all of which i'm sure you can imagine. but the other night i couldnt anymore...so i called...and he answered on the last ring just as i was hanging up....i panicked...and finished closing my phone...i called back....no answer...i called again still no answer so i finally left a message...the message was no big deal other than to tell him that i just wanted to know he's ok and sorry that i panicked on the first call. i dont believe there will ever be a reply. somebody asked me why i want to call him after all of this...like i've said before...its difficult to go from being a major part of someone's life to nothing and its equally as difficult to have someone who is so important in your life one day and you cant call them the next.... the advice i've gotten is to think of all the shitty things he's done and i wont want to call him...and sometimes that works...bb's solution is always to remind me of the background noise in his life and believe me, that works everytime...but i still worry...i wish i could believe he still worried too...i know it all takes time...and somedays i dont even know why it matters. i'm not just missing the good times...i'm still missing all of it...in death there are transitions...the disbelief, the grief, the anger and then what? i think its the same in any kind of grief. i dont know how he feels so i cant tell you why he doesnt talk to me or whether or not he feels anything. i only know that little by little i am making new memories...new experiences but it never lets go of the old...i'm not sure how to do that yet. my friend suggested i go back to reading some of my self-help books to get through...i dont know, i read a lot of them in the beginning. i guess the point is that i spent all of yesterday beating myself for being "weak" and trying to call him. and wondering if he saw it as me being weak too...and thinking that the whole universe thinks i'm weak because i called...a whole day spent over what amounts to about a minute. its wasteful and worthless today but theres a tiny thread still standing that says dont call him, dont be weak....its not me trying to get back together with him...i mean certainly i miss him but it wouldnt be different...its me caring about someone and why should i be ashamed of that even if its unwanted and possibly unwarranted....i cant be ashamed to care about a person i've spent a decade caring about. christ, i still get teary over dogs that i've lost. over people dead 20 years. but i'm caring about someone in the present, right now and while i cant always express it to him, i dont think i should have to hide it especially from myself.... miss m says that great relationships are transparent. but i think to get to transparency i have to become transparent myself in how i feel, openly and honestly to myself most of all.

stop... hold up...dont do it....

2009-01-10T20:50:00.002-07:00

so i've been thinking about this one alot but last night confirmed my feelings on it... dont bad-mouth your own relative to their ex...i have been avoiding jb's family for the entire four months (its been four months). and last night confirmed why...at the basketball game, i ran into one of his relatives who said " i heard you two arent dating anymore" and i said "yeah its been like four months since we broke up...." them: "how long were you two together?" me: "ten years." them:"its alright, you'll find somebody better." notice they didnt say somebody else they said somebody BETTER.... i think if you know anything about me, you know that loyalty is extremely important to me. so important that it pains me to see other people not be loyal to their own family...i'm of the michael corleone philosophy that i can talk bad about my family if i want to, but if you talk bad about my family, i will beat your ass....and i mean it...that doesnt mean that i dont see my family or my own flaws because i do...but at the end of the day everything i have is because of my family and what i do is for them and i know that if i need them, no matter how much i may think anyone of them is a pain in the ass on any given day, they will be there come hell or highwater....and i'll clarify this: i have a large number of relatives but i dont consider all of them family. my family is very small and very loyal.... this isnt the first time this has happened in regard to my relationship. its the reason i have avoided them, because i knew that would be the response. i appreciated that most of his family liked me...not all and thats ok, because i didnt like some of them, but they are who he considers his family so i was respectful.... but its the 3rd time its happened in two weeks and i really really HAVE HAD ENOUGH. i have countered those comments before...he is a good person with a deep heart and caring far greater than people can believe. some of us were the only people who got to see that.... i didnt want the conversation to go any further...so i moved over to sit with my friends....and i told them what had been said. thank god for mo...who put it all into words for me... she said its insulting not just to him but to me too like i wasted ten years of my life with a bad choice. and its wrong for his family to act like that. loyalty is important and necessary.... i didnt waste ten years...some of the greatest moments of my life happened then. we just wanted different things and who can fault people for knowing what they want? maybe them saying that is intended to make things easier but i dont know how...it doesn't make me feel better...it only makes me sadder and still protective. once someone very close to him said something very similar and i felt like i had to tell him. at the time i felt like disclosure was necessary as part of a transparent relationship but i also know that i told him partly to hurt him, to show him that other people saw my worth in his life....and after i did it, i felt terrible because i knew that it hurt him even if he didnt want to admit it. for him to know that those people didnt have enough loyalty to say it to him rather than about him hurt him. i still fucking feel terrible for say it and i'm sorry that i ever did. i'm sorry that i used it as a way to hurt him. even if i cant tell him i'm sorry, i am. because intentionally hurting people no matter what, is weak. and weakness is preventable. just keep your lips together until the moment passes...you'll be better for it and so will i.... so if i see your ex...i'm not gonna say oh yeah good job because they sucked and you deserve so much better...even if its the truth...keep it to yourself...why? because people have loyalty even when its sometimes not necessary...if you say it to me, i will still defend him because if i dont it somehow negates my responsibility in my relationship...i was equally as good and equally as at fault for the whole thing...its not all me...and its not all him...how could it be? for the most part people havent said that to me....i have my faults and so did he and because there are two sides to every relationship...who can really lay blame? maybe you didnt love him, maybe his friends didnt love me...but just support me and just support him and dont tell me what a complete asshole he was or maybe what a complete asshole i was, because honestly there is nobody who is harder on themselves about what we did wrong that i am. and nobody misses what we did right as much as i do. i dont need to be reminded....just wish us luck that we can be happy and that things will heal and go on....i'm not hoping for BETTER just different....

moving right along....

2009-01-06T21:40:00.002-07:00

i've had a lot to say but not anyway to make it come out... my weird dreams are back again... i started to new year with a bunch of my friends that i hope to spend the new year with. my workout partner and the gym guy werent going to let me stay home (and i will admit now, pout and feel sorry for myself). we ended up cruising around checking out different places like the three bears...the first place was too boring, the second place was too sketchy and the third place was just right. we all just sat around and talked, laughed, and didnt have to do much else because that was enough...i miss big groups of people who all joke and laugh and just want to be together....my friends are so scattered that that doesnt happen very often.... the next night rose and i went to the jump dances...the jump dances are held only at this time of year...i'm not an authority on any of it but i know this...the salish people believe that we should make wishes and prayers for the year to come--for ourselves, our families, our tribal people and the world in general....as we dance in the circle each section represents the four seasons and when you dance you are committing to those prayers. the songs sung are songs that are only brought out during this time of year and will be put away before the season is over. its also an affirmative motion to let go of the past and step forward into the future, to "make your tracks". i am always proud of my girl that she remembers that somethings are more important than hanging with her homies all the time...she missed her friends birthday party to be there with me. she also knows that she has a commitment to her little cousins because they look up to her and she shows them that this a good way to live, that being a salish is a good thing to be and that as a family its a good thing to pray together.... plus she can take them to the bathroom.... it was hard too because i am trying to let go of the past, but this ceremony always had a huge significance in my relationship with jb. part of me was afraid he would be there but part of me was sad when he wasnt...he shouldnt miss out on these things just to avoid what will pass as an uncomfortable moment. i dont know that thats the reason he wasnt there but i suspect it might have been. i made many wishes for all of us....and i cried some tears to get there....but all in all, i'm moving right along.

dumb boys

2008-12-31T12:51:00.002-07:00

only true bff's will do boy-recon and never let on....and tell you the truth about what they find out.... today's recon news was a bummer, less because he has a new rebound girlfriend(and god bless that it wasnt me--you never really want to be the first rebound for anybody...maybe i should hurry up and get it over with so someone wont be that for me) and more because he wasnt cool. its lame to let somebody hangout there and then not even do or say anything more...its more than lame, its weak. in the dating game, even the most confident people sometimes expect to get shotdown when asking someone out....other people who are less confident actually expect it rather than the other....but at least have the decency to say thanks but no thanks.... because worse than being lame, is being weak...and its preventable... now back to our regularly scheduled deep thoughts....

Now is not the time

2008-12-30T22:40:00.003-07:00

Its almost New Years Eve....i always had a die hard rule for relationships that if i didnt spend new years with you, i didnt want to spend the next year with you....i think in the past i put alot of effort and validation into certain ideals that, well, are not worth the effort.... alot of people i know are scrambling for resolutions right about now..... heres what i have to tell you....my new year started over 3 months ago....so this new years eve feels more like any other day....i have all the good wishes for everybody but my time to start my "resolutions" was months ago and all i can do is take it day by day and keep at it.... for the last ten years...i have seen new years as a day closer to my opportunitty to pray...around here the ceremonies start on new years day....and so they will and i will too.... praying for what we need and what we want and our wishes for each other....as everyday should be....

ok i will....

2008-12-27T21:28:00.002-07:00

Saturday, December 27, 2008 Sometimes it's fine to be inverted. Self-reflection comes in handy when you want to better understand why your relationships aren't working. Assess your excess baggage. Let go of past betrayals and disappointments. Free yourself to start fresh with someone new. and i'm ready.... theres lots to write and more will come soon but for now....i'm saying to the universe, i'm ready, i'm doing, not trying....

one last time

2008-12-21T17:49:00.005-07:00

its been occurring to me lately that all of the usual anniversaries dont really matter much anymore. realistically, the only date that feels appropriate to talk about is the end date--the last day of my job, the day we broke up, etc etc. and even those are getting tiresome. a few weeks ago, i started a blog about the 3 month anniversary of end of my relationship with jb. but at the time it seemed much less empowering and overwhelmingly sad...so i left it there. i realized that part of what seems so sad is that while i can remember all the good things and the bad, it seems awkward to talk about either with other people. i dont want to be that girl who is still talking about that man she dated a long time ago as if it were yesterday or as if she was still with him....and while its ok to have the memories, i'm not that comfortable talking about them anymore. the prompt for today's blog is that i want to say these things one last time before i try to put them away. we met at the college where we both worked in 1997. i saw him on the july rafting trip but didnt know anything about him...fast forward about 6 months, to the annual christmas party(which for the college was last night, i wanted to tell someone that thats where i really met him, but i thought to myself...whats the point, now that its over?). i remember getting ready, hoping he would be there and that maybe i would finally have a chance to talk to him and get to know him better. it was all of those things and more. we spent the next 6 months getting to know each other, not dating, just becoming friends, maybe courting is a better word. the first gift he ever gave me was during this time and it is still the most memorable gift i've ever been given. (by someone outside my family of course). and so began the counting of days, the bricks that built our relationship, the letters and cards, celebrations, gifts, laughs. the phonecalls to my friends about how wonderful and exciting it all was. in june 1998, we finally went on our first official date. its funny that we had our first date on the deck of a restaurant in polson. i remember thinking is this thing safe because there seemed to be alot of broken boards and things. about 5 years ago that deck collapsed with many people standing on it.... he was witty, intelligent, funny and motivated and so many other things.... to this very day, many rules i live my life by are things i learned from him and lessons we learned together....our connection from the very beginning was so marked, so obvious that it lasts beyond the relationship itself, still within my own spiritual being...i cant speak for him so i wont....but that intuit makes everything that much more difficult to sever, that much sadder to let go.... the first time i really met all his family was at his nephews baptism...and after that dinner he took me on a helicopter ride over the garden wall of the mission mountains. i had known this place all my life but i had never seen it from that perspective....and looking back thats a good analogy for our relationship. we got serious and he encouraged me to apply for law school. so i did and we moved to missoula and started school, him to finish his BA and me to go to law school. that was 1999. there were many incredibly moments and some very sad times during the next two and a half years. a very difficult and very personal moment ended our relationship in january of 2001. realistically, i never thought i would go back but i never really pictured him not being a part of my life. we called that year the sabbatical year. we both dated other people and went on with our lives. over a year later, we started talking again and got back together right before my law school graduation in may of 2002. during the previous almost 4 years, there were phonecalls to each other and others about how wonderful, how exciting, how difficult and how impossible this relationship was....the anger at it ending, the sadness, the hesitation to bring it back and the joy of being together again.... we had grown and changed in good ways, and maybe some bad ways too....i have known many couples who have broken up and gotten back together and end up being together for a long time and for the better...i guess thats what i had in mind. the next six and a half years were filled with joy, travel, growth, change and also some incredibly difficult and trying times, not just in our relationship but in our families, our children and our careers. some of those losses so great, years later, hurt as if they were today...and each of them, i can still clearly see in my mind....many of them though are not mine to talk about... i remember every anniversary of things that happened in our lives--the dates, the places, the people, the emotions. i even look back at what we were doing this time last year and know that theres no more chapters to write of us...only of me and him separately....maybe just for now but possibly maybe forever. i know alot of people expected us to get back together...we havent spoken since that day over three months ago...and i know the stubbornness of ourselves will probably never allow anything else....who can ever really tell what right now means ten years from now....so i just have to be hopeful that the decision i made was the best one... its the daily nuances that are difficult and stop me in my tracks even for just a brief moment. today there was something in the newspaper that before, he and i would have made a huge joke of. theres no one i know that would get the joke but him. theres dumb things like good sales of something he liked that i can no longer call and tell him about. i see him often but have yet to have any face to face contact and certainly no discussion. seeing him used to derail me. a few months ago, bb said during one of my derailments, that soon you'll pass by him and not even notice...and i agree, things are getting easier, moving on more possible and actually something that seems good even great at times. hopeful.... its the instant of being someone's confidante to being nothing that is disarming and unsatisfying. somebody asked me if it was me missing him or me missing being with someone...i know how to be alone. it goes back to my overreaching need to be self-sufficient. another friend told me that breakups, especially after long relationships, are as difficult as a death...and maybe thats true. smells, songs, anything can be reminders....just like when i hear def leppard im back in high school with big hair and wine coolers. or when i smell gasoline, i reminds me of being pregnant with rose. every moment changes but new ones come to replace the old. i know that people close to me know, that i had no alternate plans with this relationship. and so to see it go from everything to nothing has been a difficult adjustment but its also been along time in the making. its getting easier but as each anniversary of something passes, i still remember, it still makes me sad or nostalgic even for a moment. the moments are getting shorter but are still there. it seems like in writing, many people gloss over this change in the cycle--from everything to nothing where the day to day changes to the past.... when relationships end, it seems easier to move along when someone does something terrible to end it...but its not so easy when its just two people realizing that they want different things and cant get to a middle ground to give them. there has been no higher and more wanted obstacle than to love someone so deeply, to believe so strongly in the lasting of something to try everyway to make it work...and nothing so harsh and belittling than to see over the wall but not be able to climb it.... its sad and sweet and irreplaceable...so one last time even glossing over, i wanted to tell the story out loud....because as things go this time of year, it will be time to make new wishes, prayers for the future and once those are said aloud and sent out, it will time to put all of those things away...to pass into the spring....i wish only good things for all of us, including him and maybe for him i wish more...because in loving people, we should wish for them all that they wish for themselves....

Fancy girl secret #2

2008-12-18T23:07:00.003-07:00

my car is broked....i think its the thermostat...i tried all my tricks to fix it but in these cars i'm limited...i called the bdw car hotline (scott) and he diagnosed it from chicago...and he's probably pretty close to right...but where its stuck forced me to have to ask somebody to help me today....and i'm not very comfortable with that....of course he helped me, we couldnt get it started but of course he helped me...my friend and i joke that one of the standards on our man list is for him to be "handy." but i have to ask myself, even if he was handy, would i ask or even expect him to help me? i have to learn to make the answer yes....without a doubt yes.... while i dont always love it, i fix things myself...mainly because i'm not very good at asking for or taking help....yes i have moved a washer and dryer set by myself without a handcart(when the nerve in my back was pinched and yes i am dumb sometimes). doing things by myself all the time is like keeping secrets...if i dont ask you to help me, then you dont know i have needs...yes i do like when people do things for me or offer to help. but for most of my life i have been doing things on my own. i dont really know how that started but it created a very stubborn streak in me...one that says fuck off, i'll do it myself. one that i have to say makes self sufficiency a negative not a positive. i will learn to do things so that i dont have to ask for help...i used to be able to diagnose and fix somethings on my old rez cars....it prevented me from having to ask for help, for having to wait for help and sometimes allowed me to avoid the lecture that came with the help.... its a long story, but something was wrong with my sink and someone took it apart...and left it apart for almost a week...after i couldnt stand it anymore...i tried every piece of plumbing i could to fix it. when that wouldnt work i took the whole goddamn thing out and put in a new sink...by myself...just imagine me with a jigsaw cutting up the counter.... only after three days and multiple pipe pieces not fitting together right did i finally call a plumber. it took him about ten minutes to finish what i had started....i also took a part and practically rebuilt and resealed my toilet....i'm not saying no one helps me, i'm simply saying i dont ask for help...my family is like diy hotline for house hold things, cars, spiritual stuff, everything, but none of them live less than 6 hours away. i get alot of phone support, but they cant do it for me or even hand me the wrench.... this isnt bragging about my DIY skills, this is me admitting that i would rather do it myself than ask you to do it for me or even help me or watch me for moral support...because you might say no, you might think i'm weak, you might even think i'm needy....and god forbid one of the most selfsufficient people you know needs help...i realized that i'm surrounded by alot of people like myself... people for whatever reason who dont trust and dont depend on other people.... granted theres plenty of reasons not to depend on other people but theres lots of people worthy of the asking....i'm looking for that kind of equality in a relationship. i'm not blaming anybody about the discrepancies in balance there because really that was my own doing...how can you help if i dont ask...the other question would be, though, in things that are obvious to me, do i really need to ask? i'll have to develop a policies and procedures manual for myself... i know that i'm more than willing to help other people but wonder why i cant treat myself like i would treat you? its like the post about the good body oil...and now that i've done it, i'll buy that oil for myself all the time... this is my second set of secrets i have to figure out how to deal with...that doesnt mean i dont want that tool belt for christmas but maybe in addition to the toolbelt, there could be some one handy to model it....

not every post needs a kleenex

2008-12-17T10:06:00.002-07:00

even though it may sound like it sometimes, my life here in the perfect montana town isnt that bad.... i just write the things going through my head....sometimes i want to write about nothing so i do, sometimes the things i start to write about are so crazy and heavy that i have left them in the draft pile. but either way... right now i have a few things to say.... about the previous post, i dont have a deadline on things, put the offer was to come to a party and if you dont respond, shyness doesnt preempt good manners....but theres always ways to overcome.... i'm really glad that my friends waited for me...sometimes you dont realize what a backseat your friends take when you're in a relationship....sure good sense tells you to balance out relationships but i dont know one person who has never become so intertwined with a relationship as not to let your friends slide a bit. when all of this started my friend lyr said "sometimes you just need to say enough is enough" and he's been there since the beginning. and i knew he was right....he's always there, sometimes sharing his opinion, sometimes not...but after 17 years of being friends i'm still glad he waited for me to get back to our normal window shopping and fashion critiquing. another friend, bb also said some magical words to me....she said "even if you go back, no one will think less of you or support or love you any less, we all know how hard something like this is" you know who your friends are in the tough times but it also matters when you have something wonderful to share...who will you call....these and luckily for me, many more people have been there for me and waited for me to pull myself together and see what they see. but even if i didnt my friends allow me to make choices. they dont have to agree with them, they just have to love me through them (and sometimes pray real hard that i'll get a clue). i've had the same friends for 20 years....i'm thankful that you still waited for me...and that text was invented so that i can send lyrics to songs that are important to all of us....like how you are wind beneath my wings and i'm the greatest love of all and you can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night.... so thanks for waiting.... this facebook business has brought me back in touch with tons of people i didnt even know how to find but always wondered about....and i'm totally grateful for all of it...its cool to see how we've grown up or not and how easy it was to see us all fall back in line together.... i'd propose a toast but i've sworn off drinking before 10:30

the next step

2008-12-16T23:05:00.003-07:00

Overview If you're not sure whether you ought to go for that promotion or ask out that hottie, just go for it. You deserve the best and there's no need for you to dither while someone else takes it from you! First off, i'm not sure people should ever use the word dither...its sounds yucky...pleasing sounds get pleasing results.... secondly, i decided to be bold and follow my little horoscopes advice. besides the tarot card on my facebook said that today i am the master of my own destiny, so why wait....ok you get your inspiration where you need to get it and i'll get mine where i need to get it.... either way, i needed the encouragement. i know myself pretty well and i know that if i wait until i think i'm "ready" i may be waiting a very long time....because i will come up with 1200 reasons to not date, to not risk it, all the voices that say shitty things....and well, shit i dont have time for it.... i'm not talking about some clock....yes biology says somethings like, you're 35 and your eggs are drying up...i have a child and sure i would like more but i want some other things first. i'm getting older and i'm ready.... its about readiness in the full sense of the word...i have been ready for a long time to have the relationship that i want....i just wasnt with somebody who wanted the same thing....and no matter how much i wished for him to want those things, he didnt. sometimes you have to take people at face value. i had to ask myself many times, "if this relationship were to be exactly as it is now, for the rest of your life, would you be satisfied?" the answer was no. because what we wanted truly was different, even if each of us tried to say it wasnt. and no amount of wishing could change that. and no amount of waiting, on my part, would achieve anything greater, if it wasnt already there. in the middle of the night, when i would work cases in my sleep, i would also think about that relationship, what it was, what it wasnt, and why i needed to let go of it...and letting go of a decade of trials and triumphs was clearly a difficult option to face. i also had to tell myself, that after everything we've been through, at the end of everyday, if he didnt see me for who i was and the commitment that i had already made....he would never see me. there is no life with someone who looks past you and forgets to ever look at you.... christ, no wonder i needed anxiety pills.... so here i am on the other side of that. i'm not as jaded as i thought i would be...and i think that comes from being ready so long. i know its out there, i certainly am not throwing myself at every man available....i have some clear wants....standards if you want to call them that.... its those standards that i saw in someone recently available...so last week i decided to be brave and give him my number. he also seemed interested whenever i saw him, and had asked for my business card before, which certainly helped my attempt at bravery.... but he didnt call. so today i decided to follow the horoscope and go see him. it took all i had to cowboy up and go there....and after all of that, he wasnt there today. i dont know what to think about him, so i'm just not gonna...i mean....i'm not ex-ing him off some big poster board of potential suitors (no i dont have one, it reminds of the suspect boards on The Closer), but i put it out there. you cant wish people into things. i can be open and ready and even looking. things may come to me, they may not. but i know for my part that i have to be willing to try.

surfers wisdom

2008-12-11T22:52:00.002-07:00

To find your passion, you have to look inward. If you look outward, all you’ll see is what other people are doing. You’re not other people... Laird Hamilton

do you remember that man who made your boyfriend jealous just by the way he looked at you? most of the time, i dont either, because i was too mired down in the present bullshit of the moment. i was too busy reassuring someone who didnt mirror that reassurance back.

but every once in awhile a man like that comes back or a new one comes along...

tonight i stopped to remember all of those men who for whatever moment, minute, month or hour reminded me of who i am and what i have and that there are people out there that will instantaneously appreciate that.... before you think dirty thoughts, its not like that. we seek out people in our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves, at any given moment, who tell us the things running through our own minds. and to each word we place a value or a devalue... of course your best friend tells you you're beautiful...thats her f-ing job, her responsibility just like its her responsibility to tell you gold spandex may not be the way to go for that job interview.... i can think of several who crossed my path before this last adventure and even during who were different from the partner i had chosen--who seemed so full of belief in me and my greatness that i didnt even know what to do with them...so i sent them away. and while i may not remember the words, i remember every second of the feeling.... my proudest claim to fame was that i wanted to be like the women i knew growing up..of course they were beautiful and men chased after them sometimes for years, sometimes for decades...my motto always has been...i'm the coolest fucking chic you are ever going to know.... in the second that it takes to appear, i remembered her and why i liked her and how she made me fearless, at least on the outside. and sometimes thats the only place you need to be fearless. in seeing what other people are doing, they are mirroring through you how good or shitty they feel about themselves. i hate the word projection because it was a word used to protect poor behavior. but i see it now and the greatest thing i can tell you is that i dont buy it...i have looked inward and remembered my passion...and what other people say or do, appears to me, but doesnt change who i am or want to be. people have tried and will continue to try to convince you and me that we're crazy, needy, less than, that we have patterns and dysfunctions and all of the other words that are meant to wound and deflect responsibility. and what you chose not to see or saw so vividly that you were scared it wasnt true will always be there because its who i am. i'm not other people....

Say it again

2008-12-10T21:52:00.005-07:00

When i was a little girl, i would go into my parents room and look at all their books. they had history books, biographies, law books, books about coyote and of the course, the coveted cosmopolitan magazine...i dont really know whether or not we were supposed to look at any of these but it always felt like a secret to climb those stairs and look at those books. when i was a young girl, i was a voracious reader. and i liked to write even then but thought i had no story. i never thought about becoming a writer, i only thought about being a lawyer or a famous singer so i could be on solid gold and hee-haw. but i never saw any nerdy little indian girls with glasses on solid gold. one day when i went to read the books i flipped through a book called Thats What She Said. Its a compilation of fiction and poetry by a variety of american indian women writers. i flipped through (because there were pictures!). I saw a picture of a woman i knew as my auntie and she was wearing a ribbon shirt my mom had made. so i started to check out her section. and this one moment, one poem told me who i would become for the rest of my life. When I Cut My Hair when i cut my hair at thirty-five Grandma said she'd forgive me for cutting it but I cried out everytime I touched my head years from then and Grandma dead it came back to me last night when you said you wanted it all your rich body grounding me safe the touch of your hair took me out I saw pigeon feathers red wool and fur and it wrapped me with the startled past so sudden your hair falling all around us I touched center and forgave myself. Rayna Green As with many of the people in my young life i was surrounded with people who to me were aunties, uncles, grandmas and grandpas....to you they are authors, activists, movie stars and history makers. and for them i am eternally grateful. My auntie rayna is a legendary story teller with her slow southern drawl and big loud laugh.... i knew much later in life that poetry matches us, it becomes us and we become it. when i read this piece, i identified so strongly with its meaning that i knew then that i would be a writer, a story teller, a keeper of history and ride whatever river words would provide me. i was 11. here i am at 35. i didnt come back to that book until college, only after realizing that all of the women whose stories i admired were also in Thats What She Said. In college I studied Erdrich, Tallmountain, Allen, Witt, Hogan and Harjo. All of the women in my auntie's book whose voices had whispered to me until i was old enough to hear them. but her voice was first... her name is eaglewoman her voice is endless.