to honor her

i have written before about the importance of a name and the gifts that people give us even when we dont know them...at the time... last weekend the oldest apsaalooke woman died. she was 99 years old. if you put her life into perspective...she has lived a thousand lives that many of us will never even dream....i knew her...i knew her because she gave my family a great honor. she named my daughter. Annuchubaan Bia---Headwater Woman is the name Rose was given when she was 3 years old. A name is not something the receiver chooses...its a gift....that arrives to you like a flower bulb...you may not see the beauty in it at first....but your name becomes planted in you and it will grow in whatever way you nuture it. I would say this woman's name but early on in her journey to the other side camp, people believe that if you continue to say her name she will think you are calling her back....and thats not what i want for her. This name she gifted to us was the very first name she was given....it was significant of her birth place...in red lodge, montana near the headwaters of the river....the headwaters are where things begin....they can begin with great force or gain momentum as they move toward the ocean....when she gave that name to rose, i thought it was a beautiful name but i didnt know what it would mean to my daughter...as she grows and becomes a woman, it has lead her to be powerful, to lead, to be courageous...as she is the beginning of something great and powerful and important....she is the headwaters of all things phenomenal.... and i am grateful that this apsaalooke bia believe that rose was gifted enough to allow my daughter to carry her name.... they laid her to rest today and circumstances did not allow us to be there....but i want people to know that she has honored us and i will always be grateful for the seed she planted in my daughter--she has become her name and her name has become her...we wish her namer all the great blessings that the other place holds for her...

the good and the bad

so as i said...i've decided to become a runner...i need to, for awhile, dedicate myself to something other than losing weight...let me be clear...i dont love running...but i like the challenge...i like that i can run 4.5 miles in a hour...or that i can run long stretches continuously. i want to increase my speed and my distance and have set a goal of having at least one long run a week...believe me i'm not running 12 miles on any given day (thats uncle lewis the triatholoners long run) but i want to accomplish this...and for right now consistency is the key... i didnt work out friday..so i promised myself that i would work out saturday...i cant sleep lately so i wake up later...but i made sure to be up in time to do a long run at the gym...but i also needed to do my roots because, well, i'm vain and even at the gym there are things that distract me and make me selfconscious...those things take away from my workout...so i did them... i also promised rose she could go with me and we would meet my cousin there..... thats all the good...we got to the gym with only an hour left until they closed....and there it was....his car....and of course, that also meant him.... rose saw it too and she said, well we dont have to go in....and at that moment i had a very quick very direct discussion with myself....what matters most isnt whether you have no fear...its whether you let the fear stop you....and i said no... i need MY workout and i'm not going to let him being there stop me....but i also needed to show her that i have nothing to hide from.... a couple of months ago i walked into barnes and noble and he was there. i didnt realize it was him but she did....i'm proud that she is a girls girl...she did what any of my friends would do...which of course was to whisper that he was over there and to be ok when i turned around and left...without a lecture and without anything but full support. but i cant turn around all the time especially when it means i have to give something up thats important to me. sooner or later we would have to come face to face....and he damn well knows that this is the gym i work out in...i dont go to any other gym....and i dont go to the gym he works out in...in the meantime, my cousin who was inside let me know that yes that was him and yes he was on the treadmill.... and i said fuck it...the worst he can do is say something mean...or nothing at all.... so i took a big breath...and went in....knowing that we hadnt spoken to each other in 5 months...and i'm still having a very hard time with it even though i am the one who left... its also important to know that yesterday was the fifth month....to the day. i had planned to run and so i did. he was on the middle treadmill and being that are only three no matter which one i got on it was right next to him. i hopped on and put my headphones in and got started...neither of us said a word....i ran for a half hour before he left...the hardest part was that there he was, this man i had loved for 10 years and still do love, standing less than a foot from me...and neither of us said anything.... it was so hard to concentrate because a million things were going through my mind....but i was also determined not to stop running because some how, and maybe as always, i wanted to show him what i could do, what i had accomplished.... at one point i realized that no one else was in the room but the two of us....which left me hopeful and then disappointed...because i didnt do anything and he didnt do anything....i dont know what i wanted him to do other than to say hello.... and i knew that i couldnt do it....i have a pretty good idea of what was going through his head...i just needed to read the indicators...and after all this time i still know.... i wanted to talk to him but 3 weeks ago i left him a message telling him that i hoped he was doing good and that i missed him and i never got a response... and he never said a word....when he got off the treadmill, he could have turned away from me to get off but he didnt, he tucked his head down, and turned toward me and jumped off as if he had just realized who was running next to him..... once he was gone, i continued my run for the rest of the time that i had....but all day i couldnt help but feel empty. my horoscope the day before said, you arent really ready to pursue anything new because you arent finished dealing with the past....deal with it before you try to move on.... so i am....

dating

i've never been one to date...i mean really as far as most people know i've only been with two people in my whole life...the donor to my daughter and the man i love but cant stay with.... i've always been one of those girls who wanted to know somebody first...i dont like "date" complete strangers...although i have pursued them....during law school jb and i took what we called the sabbatical...about 15 months apart...i met a man who somehow encouraged me to be forward again...he made the offer and i pursued it....and it was fun, he was fun but as we got to know each other we knew that it wasnt " meant to be"...or whatever the term is when you think you have a future together...about the time we ended it was the time that jb and i rekindled which was 7 years ago....wow thats a long time and i still know those guys....of course realizing that we were only meant to be friends...i always called it "hanging out" i'm just hanging out with someone because for me to be serious means involving a whole lot of other people than just myself....while i may have dated more than those 2 i have brought very few people home...because i'm like that...if i introduce you to my daddy you better be ready....because my daddy is my world...and if you meet my momma you better be ready to impress her...and then theres my kid....i dont introduce her to just anybody... its interesting to note that i've started dating again as she is getting ready to date....as i said earlier...its not that she cant date....its that she chooses not to....theres a very nice boy she likes and i use my own status to spark discussions about dating, commitment and all the other things important in a girls life... but its still difficult. while i dont know what i'm ready for, i have a few ideas about who i'm ready for and i have to take all of those things into consideration....because now she knows what the difference is.... and so do i...