while failure may not be an option....

it seems sometimes like a vacation destination that includes free drinks...and less hassle

today

1. today some guy on campus checked me out...it was nice. i have to admit when i was occupied men hit on me ALOT more...now that i'm not it seems few and FAR between....and i do mean far...its weird...but really in 9 months only one man has approached me with any interest at all...and then he went back to his wife...lmao...no true though...story of my life...but its certainly starting to dampen my party... 2. i worked alot...i know that people think i keep short hours...but on a super good day...i pack alot into those hours...there are days that i can pack an average 8 hour day into 2 hours...and then i'm tired...really tired... 3. i skipped lunch today which is always a bad idea...it sort of just happened....so instead of making a plethora of bad choices...i went to the good food store and bought a bunch of vegetables and one impulse purchase....baked kettle chips...i think i have found my new love...i can only love them...as long as i love running...and today the day after, i still love running. 4. i will wear dark lipstick until i die...so there.... 5 my sister had a dream about me having a baby...i asked her if she knew who the daddy was so i could go make some arrangements... 6. i feel good after my race...the worst injury i have is from all the nose blowing i did. really...my nose is chaffed...its bad...but other than that im completely hooked...

Its over

that half marathon...that is... and well it was hard...harder than i expected. i'm a little disappointed in my finish but i've accepted it and now i know what to do differently. i slacked off alot the last 2 weeks before the race...for a variety of reasons but really no good excuses. then like i knew i should have, i didnt go scope out the race trail. i've learned alot about myself through this training experience. and one VERY important thing is that I need to know the route...if i dont know where i am going...then i lose steam fast...because in my mind this could go on FOREVER and then i might die before i get there...or something like that....i had looked over the map for the race but they had changed the route so i really was just following people. and it taxed me mentally.... because i slacked, my new shoes hadnt gotten adjusted to me nor me to them. they were too soft. but you cant expect to run 13 miles and not have some foot issues. at least in the beginning. lastly i would have trained more on concrete. i trained on pavement partially but i mixed it up with asphalt and dirt which made it all seem pretty easy. i even mixed it up with hills which still felt fine. but this entire route was pavement...concrete. and i was racked...by mile 5, i actually thought about quitting... i was finally starting to get my groove about mile 3. then i just couldnt get focused so instead my focus went to how much this sucked and how was i gonna get another 10 miles and then how much my ass was cramping and everything was starting to hurt. this is nothing new to me. usually though i can harness it in. i finally shut it all out by mile 8 and was able to knock out another 3 miles. the last 2 miles though were hard mentally and physically. i kept having stern talks with myself. first not to stop but also to say its ok to walk because damaging myself in the long run for a few less minutes on my time seemed counter productive. i know this about myself. on any given day i can do 7 miles. easy...easy-ish...but on this day...i let my mind get the better of me and then it was all down hill from there. but i finished and as i got to the finish line...i also cried again because i was finishing, not exactly as i had planned but it was good to be done...good to have seen something through and even better to know that this isnt the end...but just the beginning.... and super cool---as i walked through the line, i got a medal...i thought it was for the marathoners who were zooming in....but it was for me...to keep to remind me that i am a finisher...

always the wedding planner, never the bride

this past weekend my brother got married at my house...

my give away

its been busy....which is the biggest understatement i've made in along time...but to explain it all would take more time that i have.... lately there have been people returning to my life and with them came the reasons they were gone in the first place... anyway the lesson learned from all these interactions was that i want people around me who support me, who encourage me, not people who second guess or who think their job is to keep me humble.... or who batter me emotionally, only to come back and apologize for it once they're done. there are people in my life who seem to think that i need to be kept humble, that i am so full of myself that they need to slap me down every chance they get.... and while i could start a fight with them every time they do it, i'm choosing to make an inner decision rather than an outer decision. by that i mean, i could lash out at them...let them hurt my feelings and rage...which is what they expect and i think, in some ways, they want so that they can engage and feel some sort of release. instead, i am choosing to stay steady...something really, that i am not very good at. i want to break down. i want to fly out in a rage but i cant because then it starts a process that i'm all to familiar with and dont want. sometimes i just go off and cry because i dont know what else to do. but i refuse to engage anymore than that. these are the same people who tell me that what i'm doing in my life is great except that i'm doing it all wrong. or that i did it all wrong and that next time if i just did things the right way, i wouldn't have failed the first time. its not always easy to admit that those people that you want most to love you, cant show those feelings in a way that is constructive or even accessible. another person has come back around, i realize, because they need me. but not in a relationship type of way. its more about that person needing a cheerleader and i have always been that for them. but there is no reciprocal. and never has been. i'm no longer willing to give to people who dont give back or who can only give back in a negative way. if you arent standing at the finish line waiting to celebrate with me, then we should run different races.