this and that

i just went to the gym...and no i dont feel awesome...people always give me the pep talk about how good it will feel once i go to the gym and if i just do five minutes, it will all get easier.... yeah bullshit...somedays yes somedays no...today is a no day...but i have to get back into it... i think because thanksgiving is coming up everybody is posting what they are thankful for...i've been doing some of the things on the gratitude challenge and some not...so today i think i'll make a list of things i'm thankful for and things i'm not. 1. i'm grateful for the people in my life who encourage but dont harp. 2. i'm glad that i went to the gym today 3. i'm not glad that today that toward mile 2 i can feel the little break in my toe...still. 4. i'm not grateful that when i restart working out, no matter what...i have to go to the bathroom during my workouts...today i had to go twice and these arent the it-will-wait-till-its-over-kind-either...these are the if you dont go right now you might pee on the treadmill..or worse! 5. i'm think i will start watching the biggest loser again to get some inspiration. 6. i'm grateful that i have enough money right now to go buy a pair of new shoes... 7. i'm not grateful that these shoes i have, havent held up very well and dont give enough support. 8. i am grateful that they are pink...because i love pink...and women's because for some reason shoe manufactures think that women with size 10.5 feet only want to wear ugly gramma shoes... 9. i'm not grateful for that... 10. i'm also not grateful for the amount of snot i seem to make when i run... 11. i am grateful for the couple of cute outfits i think i have for working out..i dont know why it makes such a difference to me but it does. 12. i'm grateful that i have enough time and a little bit of money to not have the excuse of work in my way.

conversations with myself

there are days when i have to challenge myself to be in control... what you ask? i know. for the most part i think (and possibly believe) that people see me as a control freak. and i am. to my exterior life...my house, my job... what i am not in control of is...is my inner dialogue. everyone has one. and i dont seem to know enough people whose inner dialogue tells them they rock. in a mediated and reliable sort of way. lately my inner dialogue has been telling me to back away...to withdraw from people and things i find comfortable. the challenge for me is that my inner dialogue isnt like having your best friend tell you what to do...its more like the flintstones, when on each should fred would have the angel fred and the other should held the devil fred and he had to decide who to listen to. my internal voice is not my friend...it is simply my script...the play i recreate in any number of circumstances. its hard to know that i have this script as much as it as difficult when i wasnt aware of it. because now, i dont trust...before i knew the outcomes, i knew the voice might lead to me to an unhappy place but it was something familiar and comforting. now i dont know how to sift through the dialogue and which voices to hear and which voices to leave...

Post #5

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you don’t possess—instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy. I am grateful for the closeness i share with my brothers. whiles its not always perfect, its solid. i am grateful that my daughter is a beautiful intelligent and thoughtful girl. i am grateful that am able to make my own hours and do what i want to almost everyday. i'm available for her and the rest of my family when i need to be and can be involved in my community in a way that wasn't possible when i worked all day everyday. i am grateful for my parents and their reasonably good health. i am grateful for this little dog who runs around my house like a crazed maniac and then lays her head on my shoulder to be petted. i am grateful that i have a warm house i am grateful that i have good friends i am grateful for the satellite tv that keeps me entertained while i bead!

gratitude post #4

Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life. I am grateful to understand the struggle of weight. I'm not where I want to be but in going through it and it being a present factor in my life i feel as though it makes me empathetic to other struggles people go through. it also has forced me to look at my own innervoices about what i can and cannot do with the body that i have. today my back muscles are strained and while i would like to work out, i'm going to stretch. its more important to take care of myself than to continue to harm my body. i am grateful for the crappy job i left a little over a year ago. while its no fun being harrassed and discriminated against, i also know that i learned invaluable tools through my work there. i made of great friends and learned what kind of person and lawyer i choose to be. i am also thankful that while i was there, i had health insurance. it made it possible to have glasses and contacts and a doctor i preferred. in leaving there and its negativity, i learned and am still learned how strong i can be and that i'm in control everyday of how stressed or positive i want my life to be. i am grateful that i'm low on cash. i know that seems weird. but it causes me to stay home more and spend less and really think about what i'm purchasing. plus it gives me a good reason to get my beading done! and for some reason, i cook better when i'm low on cash too...

Gratitude post #3

How quickly times gets away from me...i'm three days behind on my gratitude list. so i'm getting them all down now... todays challenge is to list write about something you feel grateful for in your life today. i am grateful that i have a partner who is willing to work with me. to help me work through my stuff and who is willing to work through his own stuff. today in a discussion i fell back into some defensive responses. instead of trying to listen to what he was saying to me...i was hearing. its a huge leap to me to know now the difference between hearing someone and listening to him or her. and in doing so it elicits different reactions. i'm also grateful that in this conversation, he was willing to reword what he said to make it clearer to me what information he was trying to gather. it seems small but the conversation in its function and form was significant. communication can be different. people who have known each other for a decade can still change the tone and tenor of a conversation if they can work for the greater good. i'm grateful to be able to see that and it is deeply meaningful to me.