sometimes i wonder

what i should tell you next.... things are going...softball is coming along. tonight i ump'ed a game and both coaches bitched at me. maybe i was raised in a different school of thought but you dont challenge the ump. because i can rail the game anyway i want and i can throw you out of the game...i teach my girls that each ump is different and we cant argue with them...all we can do is move onto the next ball and make the best play that we can... i think right now thats the philosophy of my life...next ball...i read somewhere when i started coaching several years ago that if you ask a champion what they do when they make a bad play the answer is consistently...move onto the next ball..next play...whatever...if you dwell you lose... i dont want to dwell...i cant say i'm over things but i'm moving on...things are not so sordid and deep anymore... i've got lots of plans in the works. i feel liberated to be able to pass up jobs that would offer me security but not happiness. in the past i think i mistook security for happiness and i am now fully aware that they are not the same thing. in many respects i had the security of a relationship...by knowing what to expect (and not expect) and knowing all of the rules we played by. that was secure but by no means was it happiness.... sometimes i feel lost but sometimes i feel secure in knowing who i am and what i've got....i think on any given day it varies. so while i was concerned before, i'm ok with private practice, i'm ok with being alone, just like i've been ok to parent by myself for the last 15 years. security in knowing what exists hasnt been enough. i want happiness and i am willing to create it for myself by myself if thats all there is.

did you know its called "bromance"?

i didnt....but today i found an article about it on about.com....i didnt know it had a name. and i didnt know other women suffered through it too....wow i feel almost liberated...if i wasnt busy regretting every moment...i know i shouldnt but right now i do...maybe its the angry stage...maybe its just the truth....i mean theres nothing i can do about it now but i certainly feels good to maintain an opinion about it.

hows it going?

its busier than i can even begin to tell you. for some reason my very-limited practice is especially crazy right now. court dates, paperwork everything...clients who want to talk for hours at a time. i feel bad billing them for the time but i've offered several ways to alleviate hour long phone calls and told them as much. i also told them the point was so that they wouldnt get charged the hourly rate....but hey its not my money, and they have been fully apprised. softball should be fun. these little girls are still moldable...i mean that in a eager to learn sort of way. i like that about 12 year olds....old enough to understand not too old and full of attitude. i loved coaching...really it was the parents that i didnt enjoy. its softball folks...your daughter is never going to play olympic softball or even college ball...if you want her to, you should be taking her to camps and having her play summer competitive league too...if you dont...dont put that shit on me...i'm a volunteer. i've always been a volunteer. and if you want to bitch about how i coach...you had every opportunitty not just to come to practice and help but also to be the coach. this year, i'm coaching because nobody else would do it. my kid isnt even on the team. so if you want to complain....shut up....and do what you've been doing...nothing.... rose is off in a million things. yesterday she had a solo at music festival and then a track meet. tomorrow, the orthodontist, school, track practice, volleyball open gym and then taekwondo....holy crap i dont know how she does it. there are days she wants to keep going. this weekend was the powwow. but we didnt go because at some point, we all need to sleep. everybody in my house was asleep by 11 last night. for some reason my sleep is off lately. i'm trying to get myself back to a morning schedule. the sunshine helps alot. tomorrow i have to get everything done so i can go to rose's track meet in kalispell on tuesday. she runs the 2 mile which is always the last event of the day. but she also does long jump and triple jump which is somewhere mixed in the middle. we're back to living out of the car because we've got places to go and things to see. this weekend we are going to see my folks and go to a taekwondo tournament. when i did my taxes last week, i realized i put 40,000 miles on my car last year. i know! work, lots of trips home, tournaments, games and everything else. maybe even more this summer....the sunshine has been good so far....

in case you think i've slipped....

i dont have to write it because my girl leona lewis already covered it.... Better in Time.... It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through Going coming thought I heard a knock Who's there no one Thinking that I deserve it Now I realize that I really didn't know If you didn't notice you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All that I know is I'mma be ok [Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time I couldn't turn on the TV Without something there to remind me Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh Hurt my feelings but that's the path I'll believe in And I know time will heal it If you didn't notice boy you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All I know is I'mma be ok [Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time Since there's no more you and me It's time I let you go So I can be free And live my life how it should be No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you Yes I will Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do) It'll all get better in time

i am.

you know that i am so much more than just this. but its been a relief to have somewhere to dump it all. so look forward to more of that and less of this....

dont think

that all of this sadness and angst has gone to waste. i know how i got here. i know what i want. i know that if i ever try this all again that i'll know when to say when. or say not at all....

its over

i can tell you today that its over.... it isnt always easy to get to a place where you know its over. it seems to weave its way through things until one day, something makes you stop and realize that things keep moving and life has and will go on. i saw him a few days ago. actually i saw his car. i still have the instinct that alerts me to his presence. maybe it will go away maybe it wont. but its less and less unsettling. i had been in a court hearing all morning. it was only supposed to go for maybe 45 minutes.....four hours later. i was late for lunch with a friend. i pulled into a parking spot and there it was. and for a brief moment, i felt my plans derail. i had planned to go my favorite coffee shop which is also his favorite coffee shop and work after i finished the hearing. then go do my training workout. but seeing his car, i knew he was already there. now its not that i couldnt go in there when he was there too....i could, then he would probably leave. but i just dont feel like putting myself in that position. later while at lunch i saw him come out of there and walk across the street. like a stranger....someone who's life i no longer knew. i can only tell you about his past, our past and speculate on the present, the future. its difficult to tell people that i loved him from the very first moment i really talked to him.that was 11 years ago. it took nothing but that immediate connection. i always felt like he was a part of me, but i never felt like i was a part of him. it has taken me months and months to put aside any love i have for him and move forward. its not that i dont love him still...its that i cant give any of that to him....and i wont. he is becoming a stranger. somebody asked me if i could would i do it all over it again. and i told them sadly but honestly, no. i wouldnt. he was my best friend in that he knew all of the most vulnerable parts of my being and i knew his. but he was my worst enemy in using those to his advantage. we became strangers even before it was finished. i couldnt be myself and he couldnt be himself. i wouldnt do it over. but any question like that is all in theory and here i am now, 11 years later, moving on. i still have dreams about him but everything is with less frequency. my sad feelings, the happy feelings. the reminiscing. i know that i have done the only thing i can do which is to let time pass. to better myself and to keep going. hoping for greatness, but being satisfied just to wake up in the morning....

a thought

i went out last night with a bunch of my friends. i had one social appearance to make and then moved onto some random bar i've never been to..... and it was a great time, lots of fun, lots of laughs, a jukebox, some pool, the only gay man in the whole bar immediately zeroing in on me (its a gift).... and this morning in thinking about the evening, it all seemed different. for the first time in a really long time, and i do mean, realllllyyyy long, i didnt think about him, i didnt feel like something was missing. i didnt wonder what he was doing or reminisce about places we had been or songs we played on the jukebox.... and its a relief. it was just me, having fun.... now when i think about it for a moment, that kind of letting go makes me sad. but in the moment of it, it allows me to be present, to be fully aware, to have a good time without guilt or wonder. and thats whats a relief. so much of my time was spent trying to accommodate someone who didnt really want to be accommodated nor did he want to accommodate me. to find the balance of selfless and selfish gives me a huge release....an opportunity for things to just be about me. maybe people dont think that, but rarely is my life ever about me. even when it should be, i've changed the course to make it about other people. i had a baby young. i had a career and education. then i had a relationship and all of those things came before me. i cant think of a time when i've gone out and its just been about me...not worrying about other people or who was where and with whom. if everything was alright....my choices in life reflect that...my work, the person i chose to have a relationship with, my volunteerism, etc. its all very apparent. so last night was a good lesson. people say once you've experienced something it makes repeating it easier and easier. my work is to make things about me and allow them to be...in my head.

quick random drive-by posting

yesterday makes it seven months....i'm better, not over it, but better. the thoughts are more fleeting and temporary, even the good ones and i'm moving on. its been difficult but i'll be honest and say that i thank him for not answering when i call. i'm glad that he can be strong enough to stay away (maybe its not strength...maybe thats truly what he wants...either way) because i know, he knows, shit you know...that he wont give me what i want. and i deserve what i want. do i wish him well right now? maybe...but i'm angry and the more i find out the angrier and sadder i get about it...but it passes quickly and i get on with my life. rose had her first track meet yesterday...that kid is incredible...always tries her hardest...always puts in the work to really improve...shes a good example to me.... next week, i start coaching softball again. i liked coaching the 12 year olds. it was the 14 year old girls that put me over the edge. so it should be fun.... i'm glad to have had the last 6 months on a leisurely schedule...because spring promises none of that. theres a race in a month. i've found someone to train me for the 1/2 marathon in july. i did my first outdoor, training scheduled work out today. and i felt good about it. i appreciate the days when i can appreciate what my body can do. i've got more cases coming in to my private practice and am finishing more with my judgeship. all prove to be exciting. powwow season is starting and i have been sewing and creating pretty consistently. i'm back in a cleaning mood...not like wall washing but cleaning house, getting rid of things, passing stuff onto other people who need or will appreciate it more. today i gave a gift that had been given to me several years ago onto my cousin who i know will put it to good use. its not just the strength of out of sight out of mind with those kind of reminders but i feel ready to let some of them go...and i'm glad. my social schedule is starting to fill up...not with dates...i'm still not comfortable with that but just with getting out with my friends, having fun, laughing and being around people that i enjoy.

next week i'm giving a talk at the law school about what i've been doing....what i've been doing is falling down ten times and getting up eleven.

on the subject of dates...when you suggest someone to me...please tell me why you think we'd like each other...a couple of people have suggested guys that i have nothing in common with except being single...believe me...its not enough...that doesnt mean i wont get to know them but i want someone who makes me laugh, who is kind and generous, and can balance the chasm between selfishness and selflessness. someone who values family and culture and who would feel just as comfortable drinking a bud light at the silver dollar as a martini at a dc reception...because thats the kind of stuff i do and goes along with my work and life....powwow and rodeo would be an added bonus:) ok i think thats a list you can all work off of.... remember to wave at me when i run by you....