sometimes i wonder

what i should tell you next.... things are going...softball is coming along. tonight i ump'ed a game and both coaches bitched at me. maybe i was raised in a different school of thought but you dont challenge the ump. because i can rail the game anyway i want and i can throw you out of the game...i teach my girls that each ump is different and we cant argue with them...all we can do is move onto the next ball and make the best play that we can... i think right now thats the philosophy of my life...next ball...i read somewhere when i started coaching several years ago that if you ask a champion what they do when they make a bad play the answer is consistently...move onto the next ball..next play...whatever...if you dwell you lose... i dont want to dwell...i cant say i'm over things but i'm moving on...things are not so sordid and deep anymore... i've got lots of plans in the works. i feel liberated to be able to pass up jobs that would offer me security but not happiness. in the past i think i mistook security for happiness and i am now fully aware that they are not the same thing. in many respects i had the security of a relationship...by knowing what to expect (and not expect) and knowing all of the rules we played by. that was secure but by no means was it happiness.... sometimes i feel lost but sometimes i feel secure in knowing who i am and what i've got....i think on any given day it varies. so while i was concerned before, i'm ok with private practice, i'm ok with being alone, just like i've been ok to parent by myself for the last 15 years. security in knowing what exists hasnt been enough. i want happiness and i am willing to create it for myself by myself if thats all there is.