aho....

while i dont have much time to write, i wanted to make note of something for later. i come from prayerful people...not just my family but my tribal people. we pray before we eat, we pray for birth, for death, for the new year, for the berries and the leaves, we pray before we vote, we pray for your success, we pray for protection from other people's bad thoughts and sometimes from our own. my work right now is very intense and a person i'm working with reminded me that we should pray over the things that we have received...because even those papers come with intentions...someone's intentions are over every word...every inch and their thoughts and wishes...both good and bad...about us are on those pages.... we pray openly and honestly...for the continuance of our tribe and to move it forward with our best intentions. while many people would take such an responsibility with great glory...it weighs heavy on me and almost makes me sad...because i am afraid of doing something that will have long lasting, possibly negative impacts...but at the same time...i cant back down from the responsibility. its affecting my sleep, my dreams along with all other other things happening in my life...but today just a for a moment, that man stopped and had us all pray together, to smudge and make ourselves heard... i was taught to pray for all that you are thankful for and to ask for its continuance...but i have a lot of worries and it was a relief to lift that sorrow up as well.... take a minute put sey

i dont hate you....

next time the answer will be different

in other news

i'm supposed to run the practice run through for the 1/2 marathon on sunday...thats 13.1 miles...i know...but i'm just going to have my brother drop me off 13 miles from home...and i'll get there eventually...a full report...after i get back.

stupid

i knew that i would get caught up it...even when it old myself i wouldnt. i would worry. i would wait...i would wish. i would hope...and worst of all i thought things might just be. in my line of work...there are moments when you have to give the come-to-jesus talk to your clients...today was one of those days. and i know all the things to say...tough love or not...good cop bad cop...all of it...but as i was saying these things to her...i thought...man you better do that in your own life...or shut up... what i was talking about was the moment you start talking yourself into something...that usually includes talking yourself out of something...and in most cases that means negating the things that i have determined to be needs or wants in exchange for companionship and the love of another person. this girl essentially gave up her freedom, her opportunity because she had convinced herself, that dumbing down her needs would keep the man she loved and somehow save them both. last night i had dinner with a friend who relayed a similar story. in a relationship, just to not rock the boat, she would start talking herself into saying ...well, i can live with it this way...the way i wanted it isnt that important...which then translates into I WILL SETTLE....i will let someone elses needs and wants come before my own because my want or need for that person is going to trump my own. i've said it before...i dont know how to ask for what i need and i sure in the hell dont know what i would do if those needs actually were met by another person when i asked. but i'm tired of talking myself out of those things in order to make other people happy. i'm not talking small scale stuff...do i really care if we eat mexican when i kind of wanted thai? no...thats not a make or break moment....its the big things...the deal breakers that i have talked myself out of and into...and i dont think i can anymore... this is a hard lesson. maybe one of the hardest so far. and i'm not sure how to proceed. i believe in self help books. i've read and done the exercises in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix numerous times over my life. I'm now onto his next book which is called Keeping the Love You Find. Its challenging in new and different ways. So much so that its been difficult to answer some of the questions...not just because i dont want to...but also because i dont know what the true answer is ...in convincing myself that what i needed wasnt that important..ive lost sight of what i truly want and i'm now having to re-evaluate that with honesty and clarity. for some reason...its not been any fun....

i dont know

people know what they want. sometimes they dont know what to do with it when they get it. they are so used to only receiving part or none of what they ask for that they will take whatever they can get. in relationships, i want a cup. i have sometimes received 1/2 a cup, sometimes received a teaspoon. i didnt reject what was given to me but i certainly wanted more. its difficult to convince people that they deserve more. just by telling me that i deserve everything i'm asking for in my cup doesnt make me believe it or even allow it. someone asked me what i would do if i got everything i asked for. the honest answer is i dont know. i've never gotten the whole cup. i probably wouldnt know what to do and could possibly even reject what it was that i thought i wanted. i think its like weightloss...people dream about the body that they think they want....so they work toward that fullcup....but in the end that may not be exactly what they get or it may not be as satisfying as they thought it would be. they are used to the little bit they get being satisfying enough.... right now i'm trying to decide what it is i want in my life and not in my life and the full cup question is very real and almost frightening. i know in theory what i have always said i wanted. but the truth is i dont know how to get there on my own. and i feel like if i cant get there on my own, how can i possibly get there with someone else...i think knowing what i truly want and not just how to get there but actually getting there might help me draw the type person who can go with me.... i often wonder how people find mates who truly want the same things they do. i am also often jealous. many of my friends who never really wanted to be married or even cared about those types of things have very full filling marriages, children...all the things i wanted. it feels, often, as if somehow i have failed in this aspect of my life and i dont like it. but i am at a loss in how to change things so i dont repeat the same types of relationships i have had in the past. i know, and you know, that it takes two. i know what i need to work on and do in my own personal self in order to proceed how i want to. counseling, self study...whatever i can do...but i sometimes feel like even though i have changed i still find myself in the same types of relationships with the same types of people. its difficult to classify someone as a type but i see some very identifiable traits that have become more and more familiar to me....and maybe thats it...i see the familiar....the question is...i do i see what i'm looking for...not whats looking at me....

why is there only a teaspoon when i want a cup?

i'm a giver...i dont even know if its by nature...i think its more by accidental bad breeding...the women in my family on both sides....are taught to give not take... we give first eat last up first sleep last take nothing give all ask for nothing wish for everything before we can be deemed real women i am not allowed to crack...whatever that means it goes back to my friend who says i never cry.... i remember being a small girl....kneeling down on the floor and getting a huge carpenters staple in my knee. i remember taking a big breath and pulling it out and watch the blood reel down my leg...and never telling anyone...never asking for a bandaid...taking care of it all myself. i will be 36 years old soon and i still dont know how to ask for a bandaid...for you to help me...for you to comfort me.

if you get to where i am going

stop and think about what you are doing.... what exactly is it that makes you want to do this... why make promises you cant keep.... because you can... or because somewhere you mean them but cant keep them... i dont get it.... i want to get it... but i cant.... its like a lodge with no poles i know how to put it up i know how to keep it there-- whats in place to make it my home until then its just a bundle of canvas wishes and nothing else no shelter no freedom think about that before you think about you... think about me before you decide about home... i am not a landing spot... i am the nest.

courage is waking up in the morning.

i am tired and taxed....today felt like the end all over again...i remember saying to myself one day months ago....i never want to feel like this again...i never want to miss and hate the same person...to know i didnt sleep, to feel raw and wounded, to wait or wish or want and to have nothing to show for it. the hardest part is to have the joy and deep feeling of love and wishing mixed into the rawness and the wounds.... there was no way to stand up straight, no way to feel perfect and content or even present.... when it all comes down to it, i dont care what others think of my decisions...i only care how i feel about them....are they right, are they wrong...is it more hurtful than joyful....i dont know. the past never was my friend. in the past i am broken. damaged. wounded. a child. the future holds what little hope i remember.

Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option

crystal clear

there are moments that define us....so much so that as they are happening, we know that in this moment, our lives will change. i had that moment last night. i am still reflecting on it today. connections arent broken just because we want them to be. we have to deny them and pretend they dont exist. until....maybe....they dont... i am confused. sad. happy. mired in the depths of illusion and truth. nothing is easy. even non-decision isnt easy...it is painful and emotionally expensive. i'm not even sure i can cover the debt of that expense....

the clothes question

theres been a lot of questions about how much weight i've lost since i started running. the answer is none... NONE.... really and i'm ok with that for now. the reason i started running was because after MONTHS of regimented eating and exercising I was losing very little or not at all most weeks. since i started working out in september i've lost 13 pounds...not exactly reflective of the work i've put in (namely 2 hours a day at the gym burning 1300 calories while eating 1400 a day for 4 months). i need to keep exercising. so i had to form some new goals. while i havent lost the weight, i am no longer on any medication. none. at all....which was the reason i took up the vigorous plan anyway. i'm too young to worry about high blood pressure and ulcers. i needed outlets and i found them in exercise. dont get me wrong there are many days i havent worked out. just lately i was on a running hiatus for about 2 weeks. i think i overtrained and my hips hurt to walk so instead of pushing myself i actually let them heal. i walked everyday but that didnt seem like enough...and wouldnt you know it...i actually lost a pound that week. the first step out the door is always the hardest...which is why on the 12 mile run i made someone drop me off....so there would be no turning back. i've had the same clothes for years. i tend to buy rose new things and not worry too much about myself. but i'm at a place where the clothes that looked cute last summer dont this summer...because they dont fit right...now i could take them all in but 1/2 the fun of toning up or losing weight is the option to wear different clothes. i think rose knows that i dont buy clothes for myself. and i dont want her to feel bad that i buy her things... so last week i had all these macy's coupons and i decided that i needed to set a better example. its good to take care of other people but its important to take care of yourself too. that includes your clothes, your hair and the other outward and inward things that make us feel good. i'm happy to announce that i've moved down a whole size almost 2. the cute black capri pants i bought are in a size that i dont remember ever wearing....not just the recent past...i mean ever...so i'm exciting...they're a little tight...i was telling rose this and she said well its a just a little motivation to keep going...and its true...like i've said i'll take motivation whereever i can get it...so we'll see if they're too big by summers end. i was talking to a mom of rose's friends and she gave me some good food for thought. she told me that several years ago she was heavier than i am now. she wanted to lose weight but the scale is as much a deterrent as it is a motivator. she told me that she ran 3 times a week, walked during her lunch hour and did aerobics 2 times a week. and she NEVER got on the scale...at all...only once a month would she take her measurements....thats how she kept track. and shes very fit now. so i might try her plan...measurements instead of actual weight and only once a month....it would be like breaking up with a bad friend to put my scale away...but it might be just what i need....that and some new summer shorts...

where we at?

my posts keep getting further and further apart. work is really busy right now. yesterday i ran 12 miles....yes in a row....all at once...and i let go of the crutch that my ipod has been to just relax and enjoy what i knew i could do....i had my brother drop me off 12 miles from my house in the mountains. the beginning of the run was awesome...i ran along the canal listening to the birds, watching for bears and it was all very enjoyable. everything was going along pretty well. i realized about 6 miles in, i hadnt brought enough water. or gum..again those were mental crutches not actual physical needs. everything was moving along, i felt good, i kept my pace.... and then i could feel two things---1. that after 3 months of running in my fancy fabulous pink brooks....they are flat and not so bouncy and my knees will confirm that. 2. i could feel in the arch of my left foot what started out as a soreness and moved its way into what felt like a blister the size of my fist. but i kept going. to the next tree...to the next power pole until i got the 3 mile left mark....then i walked a bit...its hard for me to know when to lay off....or keep going...im more likely to keep going than to lay off...the blister felt bigger, my knees were sore...i ran a little, walked a little...then ran the last mile-ish...i like to leave about .3 miles at the end of my runs to walk it out. i've been obsessed with my time...not to be faster just to be conistent. yesterdays challenge was to admit to myself that it was alright that my overall time was at a pace thats slower than what i would walk on the treadmill...but that it shouldnt discredit the fact that i ran 9 miles continuously. finishing is my goal...the 1/2 is about one month away....i know i'll finish and then set a few new goals. by the way...the blister was the size of a pin head....

you were always on my mind

last night rose and i were driving home from crow. i had to be over there for work for the last 5 days. we stopped at a truck stop and i decided to buy a cd for the ride home. there were two cds i wanted....each one holds a different period of my life. i ended up buying willie nelson. always on my mind. about the time that album came out, so did walkmans. i remember my mom bought one for my dad for christmas and the tape she bought to go with it was this willie nelson album. i was about 11. as i told rose last night, i fell in love with the sound of willie nelson's voice on his version of bridge over troubled water originally done by simon and garfunkel. even to hear the song now makes me teary. i remember driving with my dad to crow for business or tribal council meetings or for him to meet with clients and we would take turns listening to his walkman. there are very distinct memories of those songs rolling out onto the plains with me taking me to where i needed to go. its those moments, the times you think are meaningless that shape a child's life. not living there anymore makes me sad for the things my daughter doesnt experience. so many things i leared about being crow were revealed in the everydayness of just being and being around people who are. there are things she gets here about being salish....i just wonder how to provide her both....willie nelson shaped my life with that one album and everything after that...my father shaped my life with all of those hours spent following him around. my daughter shapes my life when i try to remember what was most important to me and figure out a way to convey that to her....its all on my mind....