courage is waking up in the morning.

i am tired and taxed....today felt like the end all over again...i remember saying to myself one day months ago....i never want to feel like this again...i never want to miss and hate the same person...to know i didnt sleep, to feel raw and wounded, to wait or wish or want and to have nothing to show for it. the hardest part is to have the joy and deep feeling of love and wishing mixed into the rawness and the wounds.... there was no way to stand up straight, no way to feel perfect and content or even present.... when it all comes down to it, i dont care what others think of my decisions...i only care how i feel about them....are they right, are they wrong...is it more hurtful than joyful....i dont know. the past never was my friend. in the past i am broken. damaged. wounded. a child. the future holds what little hope i remember.