knowing

i have known all this time that i am still sick. i have known all this time that i needed to get back to exercising. i have known all this time that i should probably go to the doctor. but lately, i've come into a different kind of knowing. i'm dating. and the person that i'm dating has changed tremendously since i knew him before. the way he deals with things, the structure of a conversation, the ability to argue but not fight with the other person. and in having all these moments with him, i realized that some things about me havent changed. and its made me feel a bit crazy. there have been conversations where my own internal script says that i should behave or respond a certain way. believe me, i've perfected the internal script. but the problem has become, the other person's script is different, and my own version doesnt work with this reasonable, workable trail of communication. it has actually made me feel like i need to step up my own game alittle bit in making an effort to be reasonable and open to a new script. its a very deep very powerful moment to internally realize that there is a possibility to mature in my own thinking and not expect someone else to just learn the song the way i want them to. somehow it becomes a completely different verse than either of us knows what to do with but it has relieved alot of tension based on expectation. change often is realized only after it happens.

the big one.

time passes and before you know it, its all gone. where have i been for the last month...physically, right here. mentally all over the place. after i ran the marathon. i just quit. stopped working out and did nothing. and i felt like crap. about 2 weeks later, i went to the gym and ran for a while it felt good but somehow mentally, not enough for me to get back on the wagon. i havent gotten to do much this summer for one reason or another. i didnt go to one powwow. i only went to two rodeos. and the lake less than a handful of times. it hasnt been all bad. just busy. with everything and nothing. 3 weeks ago, i went home for crow fair. i wasnt feeling good and about 15 minutes from my house, i contemplated turning around. but i didnt want to disappoint rose in not going home to see my folks. but i felt feverish and thought i had a urinary tract infection or something. it was a long drive. my symptoms continued to get worse. so much so that i didnt even go down to crow. i stayed in billings the whole weekend. the ride back to mission was terrible. i couldnt go more than 40 minutes without having to stop. once we got back here, i got sicker and sicker. but i had work to do and court appearances and things that had to be done. then i went to the doctor. but even with medication i was getting sicker and sicker. imagine the worst hangover you've ever had....then multiply it by 10. nothing would stay down. i was feverish....and i was stubborn. i finally got a ct scan which told me what i think i already knew. i had passed a kidney stone. possibly two. and now everything, from my kidney down the line was infected. and it hurt. finally after a horrible night, i knew i had to go to the hospital. i was dehydrated. the medications werent staying down. and i was starting to get scared. they admitted me and i stayed for 3 days. and no, i didnt tell anybody. my phone died when i got there and i never recharged it. my brother took care of me and my doctor. its hard to be that sick. to feel so out of control. but it was a good indicator of where i have been mentally for the last month or so. i kept getting extremely cold. i was cold from the inside out. my teeth would chatter so hard that it would make my stomach hurt which in turn would make my kidney hurt. all while running a temp of 103. once in the middle of the night, i begged the nurse to bring me another blanket. they couldnt because of my fever. even worse the nurse took all of my blankets. it was at that moment that i could no longer be strong, that i could no longer try to continue to tough things out. i was in so much pain and so cold and all i wanted was to be comforted with a blanket. i have never begged for medication. i would rather go without if i can. but i finally knew i couldnt. what they gave me, allowed me to fall asleep. and in finally being able to relax, my fever broke. when i woke, i had sweated through all of my bedding. this happened probably 6 times that day. that even when i finally thought it was all over, it all came back. i got out on saturday and had to go back to the er on sunday. since then 2 more weeks have passed. i still feel tired and week. and still i feel betrayed by my own body forcing me to give up some of my most clearly defined barriers. sometimes healing means changing. sometimes it means staying the same.