the big one.

time passes and before you know it, its all gone. where have i been for the last month...physically, right here. mentally all over the place. after i ran the marathon. i just quit. stopped working out and did nothing. and i felt like crap. about 2 weeks later, i went to the gym and ran for a while it felt good but somehow mentally, not enough for me to get back on the wagon. i havent gotten to do much this summer for one reason or another. i didnt go to one powwow. i only went to two rodeos. and the lake less than a handful of times. it hasnt been all bad. just busy. with everything and nothing. 3 weeks ago, i went home for crow fair. i wasnt feeling good and about 15 minutes from my house, i contemplated turning around. but i didnt want to disappoint rose in not going home to see my folks. but i felt feverish and thought i had a urinary tract infection or something. it was a long drive. my symptoms continued to get worse. so much so that i didnt even go down to crow. i stayed in billings the whole weekend. the ride back to mission was terrible. i couldnt go more than 40 minutes without having to stop. once we got back here, i got sicker and sicker. but i had work to do and court appearances and things that had to be done. then i went to the doctor. but even with medication i was getting sicker and sicker. imagine the worst hangover you've ever had....then multiply it by 10. nothing would stay down. i was feverish....and i was stubborn. i finally got a ct scan which told me what i think i already knew. i had passed a kidney stone. possibly two. and now everything, from my kidney down the line was infected. and it hurt. finally after a horrible night, i knew i had to go to the hospital. i was dehydrated. the medications werent staying down. and i was starting to get scared. they admitted me and i stayed for 3 days. and no, i didnt tell anybody. my phone died when i got there and i never recharged it. my brother took care of me and my doctor. its hard to be that sick. to feel so out of control. but it was a good indicator of where i have been mentally for the last month or so. i kept getting extremely cold. i was cold from the inside out. my teeth would chatter so hard that it would make my stomach hurt which in turn would make my kidney hurt. all while running a temp of 103. once in the middle of the night, i begged the nurse to bring me another blanket. they couldnt because of my fever. even worse the nurse took all of my blankets. it was at that moment that i could no longer be strong, that i could no longer try to continue to tough things out. i was in so much pain and so cold and all i wanted was to be comforted with a blanket. i have never begged for medication. i would rather go without if i can. but i finally knew i couldnt. what they gave me, allowed me to fall asleep. and in finally being able to relax, my fever broke. when i woke, i had sweated through all of my bedding. this happened probably 6 times that day. that even when i finally thought it was all over, it all came back. i got out on saturday and had to go back to the er on sunday. since then 2 more weeks have passed. i still feel tired and week. and still i feel betrayed by my own body forcing me to give up some of my most clearly defined barriers. sometimes healing means changing. sometimes it means staying the same.