Bloomsday means blossoming....

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is not what we want to, but what we should do. Jb, Rose and I completed Bloomsday on Sunday. I was not trained to run bloomsday in any way shape or form. My illness, as undiagnosed as it is, is also unrelenting sometimes. I'm tired, run down and in pain. Sometimes one part of me will feel better, only to have another feel worse. So I ran the first 2 miles. ooooooohhhhh how i loved it, i had my rhythm going, my ipod blaring and I was feeling it. Mentally, I was totally prepared. I was reaching for a new challenge and I thought that challenge was to run with a partner. I love to run by myself. I HATE to run with other people and I mean other people running beside me, wanting to keep up with me and chat... when i run by myself there is no one to compare me to but me...when somebody else runs with me as a running partner...truly, i think good god this is going to kill me...because i compare your better form, the fact that you can talk and run so effortlessly at the same time...that your nose doesnt seem to be running all over... I have great difficulty being alone and running was a great lesson in learning to be ok with that. It liberated me to take care of myself alone. the beginning of mile 3 is the first hill. its a little steep and feels better to walk than run. so i briskly cruised to the top...i started to run again....and then another hill. my running partner said his knee felt a bit creaky.... why can i make adjustments for other people's injuries but not my own? so we walked and agreed to walk the next 2 miles. it was relaxing and releasing. somehow making the adjustment for his injury also release me to make an adjustment for mine about a mile later. i walked and kept walking and wondered to myself when did walking 7.5 miles become not good enough? we had agreed to try to trot in for the last 2 miles. i started and i stopped. started and stopped. knowing that my time was already longer than last years i let go of expectations and complaints against myself. i could feel my knee starting to ache and i thought about what jb and rose had both asked me to do before the race...listen to my body and not hurt myself so that tomorrow i would feel worse. i cant ask my daughter to be responsible if i am not. she's in track and rather than win every event her coach asks them only to achieve pr's---personal records. coming to bloomsday, i wanted to achieve a new pr--to be faster than i was last year. last year my pr was to run the entire race. i walk and ran the last 2 miles until i could see the finish line. then i ran in across that line knowing that having conquered other ghosts in my mind was a greater victory than if i had won....a true personal record... and by the way i didnt win...