Crybaby

Christmas is over! Thank God! (some puns intended) I hate Christmas. I have always hated Christmas. But when I had Rose, I chose to try to bring to her what I never felt the holidays brought to me or I to them...joy, peace, fulfillment.

And honestly, a holiday, a day cant do all that without some effort.

for most of my adult life, christmas was just a barrier i had to get through to get to what was really important to me...which is the ceremony that people partake of in the winter to start their new year.

to pray for every minute....of every day for the next 3 seasons...until its time to pray again.

i know that often we forget how precious our moments are...but i am reminded each day that rose will soon leave to college. every holiday, every late night chat, every chance to be her mom in all the ways that are important causes me to be teary and thankful and afraid and her shelter.

my daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman. its hard for me to acknowledge that she is so grownup...that its possible for her opinions to be different from mine, for her to be a mediator and a peacemaker without even knowing the impact of her words.

i remember being pregnant with her. i was 20 and had ended a relationship that would bring no joy to the life of a child. i remember the distress of telling my parents that their baby daughter was going to be a mother. and i remember everyday to this day, my own mother's words...a baby can only bring joy if you let it. 

(and dont tell my mom) i followed her advice...and while things weren't ideal, i let her bring joy into this world. and on any given day, you can find her doing the same. sometimes, she breaks out into dance in the grocery store, or she sings silly songs, or she laughs at her dog in the same baby laugh that she was born with.

and when i see her with my parents, i pray that they are here on this earth to see her achieve every dream she has. the bond between them cannot be lost emphasizing the brevity of life.

shes in the paper last week for personally taking on something important to her and doing some thing to help. her christmas fundraiser for the animal shelter was just something she wanted to do. i remember when she mentioned it, think uh...this is going to be a pain in the ass.but the more determined she became, the more ashamed i was of my non-supportive thoughts. i have externally supported her through things that my internal voice said no to.  and her drive was a great success.

today when i read the article, she said mom dont cry....behind every tear...is every minute since the day she was born...that I have been scared for her and proud of her. parenting isnt rocket science. it is the desire to give your child something better than what you had, by exploring their world, the people in it and their own dreams. and by challenging yourself to do the same...