anniversaries

Lets keep going…last weekend was the 6-month mark. And I would like to pretend to tell you that I’m over it, that its ok, that I’m moving on….but I don’t feel like that…you know the first time around and maybe other times with other men, I’ve felt ok, I’ve felt over it and I never really felt heart broken…. I’ve felt sad and lonely and angry. But it took a good talk with my friend last weekend to be able to admit that I am heart broken…that I never planned a life without him so its like taking all the things you’ve planned, all the dreams you’ve dreamt and then suddenly telling yourself and everybody else (who may or may not be surprised) that “shit, its not gonna happen.” i feel like the second week of a break-up...the first week you are filled with resolve, to move on, that he doesnt deserve you, that you're too good and you will be happier without him...its that second week, when you start to miss him, to wish you could fix it, to possibly want him back, even with the bad and possibly no more good, when you start making deals with yourself about how it will be when you go back if you just act a certain way.....its painful and heart wrenching and sleep depriving....and there is no place for me to go...the only place i feel like i can tell this story is here....i cant tell him which is obvious in that in the six months time he hasnt returned the message i left him nor could he even say hello to me when standing 12 inches from me..... Disappointment I can deal with, it’s the aftermath of having dreamt those dreams….it took me along time to admit my dreams to someone, to have so much faith that I believed I could tell one person all I’ve ever wanted…then to have to wipe all of that out because those dreams and plans involved that person….i think in order to move on i have to admit the heart break, deal with it and in the interim develop new dreams, new goals, new faith in what i can do and want....so if you wonder whats taking me so long...once something is truly broken it takes some time for it to heal.