shiny happy nothing

its been a few weeks. as usual, theres a lot to tell and really nothing. i'm up to running 10 miles at a time for the long run. yeah yeah...its losing a little of its glimmer...i have to find ways to keep it shiny, i guess... i went out the other night and met a very nice man. he certainly makes the short go round but he's got his own situation to deal with right now...its just nice to know that sometimes someone will show up just in time to give you alittle hope. i've heard about him from my friends who thought we should meet. it gave me a little hope but i dont know how long lasting.... because i think part of what is losing its glimmer is me....for a while i've felt very confident, very ballsy...and believing that the world that i want could be mine...and maybe its just an off week or so but i dont feel like that. i feel like no matter how how hard i wish and and want and work...i'm not sure i'll ever get there. i'm not sure how hard i try to do the right thing and not go back into the past, the future is ever coming. because, well...i'm waiting...believe me, i know the future is right now just like right now, its the past. but in a moment like this it feels like its all standing still hanging there and there is no place to go to find what i'm looking for.

100 posts

in 100 posts i've said alot and said very little...its been a long 8 months...its been a good time...its sucked some days...but here i am on the other side of winter, writing my 100th post. so some news: 1. yesterday, i ran 8 miles...no shit, 8 miles...did i run every step of it...almost...all told i probably walked 1/2 a mile...it wasnt fast but the route wasnt flat either...i'm prouder yet that on mile 2 i was getting my groove and who should drive by...of course....jb...there i was...RUNNING...ok it looks like jogging but its moving no matter what...and i kept running...so there...it phased me for about 1/2 mile and then i got back on board and did what i was there to do....and i wasnt sore afterward or today...i'm a beast...in a good way.... 2. Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option. on face book a girl i've known has this in her quote and all i can say is amen sista amen...she's newly single after about 6 years...its hard...i think everybody knows its hard...i am amazed at some of my friends who can walk away from relationships in a positive way and even remain friends with their exs...its a phenomenon that i'm not sure how to accomplish...but certainly admire. it definitely takes two. 3. i'm back to my old volunteering self these days...for so long while i was making someone a priority who was leaving me as only an option, i stopped doing lots of the things i loved...and when it was all over i felt the isolation i had developed. so i'm on a couple of different board of directors for organizations i really care about. i'm volunteering in other communitty things and networking. i'm not networking for jobs or to get something out of it, i'm doing it because i like to meet people, i like to be social and the only way to not be alone where i live is to get myself out into the world... 4. i cant believe how busy we are with everything right now...rose has a million and one things going on..school will be over in a few weeks. i have to go out of town for work that weekend but then summer will be just as busy...i start a contract position for the summer and she starts all her summer camps...maybe we'll be home;) 5. i'm sorting out friendships and how i want them to exist in my life. i dont expect to get everything from everybody....i dont. i know who my friends are for certain things...but the ones i am close to, i expect certain loyalties. the decision is...do i keep a friend who hasnt been loyal or let them go entirely...and if i do keep them...do i keep them as close or move them out to a friend for certain things situation. its not easy...i have cut people out for less but i'm trying to learn to be flexible, forgiving...and in lots of situations i am both of those...because theres lots of things i dont care about...but i do care about being hurt and once you've hurt me and i mean really hurt me...then its more difficult to be those things. 6. its funny someone today said i never cry....and i told them i cry all the time...they didnt believe me....maybe their vision of me is the tough exterior version...but really i cry all the time...things that make me happy...things that make me sad...frustrated...everything....like 2 weeks ago when two parents got in my face...i was so pissed off that i was on the verge of crying...when i see rose run or dance or perform..i cry...when i'm driving down the road and i think of things i cry....late last summer and early fall...i would cry everyday on the way to work and everyday on the way...i was that unhappy about my job, my life everything...just because i dont cry in front of you doesnt mean i dont cry....

mother's day

there is no way to come from my mother and be weak.... in fairness, there is no way to come from my parents and fail...ever.... i am a girl who have been given every opportunity, whether you know it or not...chances that may never come again...and i cant let them pass...14 years ago i became a mother myself....alone...but not alone...in the crow way, your mother's family is the most important...they teacher you all the lifeskills...your fathers family is to keep you humble and equally grounded...my daughter has the fathers i had....my daddy, my brothers, my uncles...the men who raised me...in a traditional setting that she doesnt even realize exists. and everyday i am proud of her...the person she is...the wisdom she has,the drive and determination that comes from generations before her... i miss the little girl who watched cartoons but i enjoy the grown up girl that i can have real conversations with who gets this that i would have never understood at her age. i love my mom, i love being a mom and everyday i miss the women who raised me....but i know what i have and can be thankful for that...

granting me....

there are lots of rumors and stories that pass through peoples live everyday. sometimes those happen to be the truth...sometimes they are the truth as other people perceive it. last night i heard somethings that for now are rumors but may end up being the truth. and it honestly devastated me. i had bad dreams, didnt sleep very well and felt crazy when i woke up this morning...i've felt like that before....when we'd fight or threaten to break up, waiting for somebody who never showed up....finding out the truth was really lies....i couldnt put it out of my mind. even during my run... i was lucky enough to have something else to focus on for a few hours...a softball game...and when i was done and someone asked me the question regarding how i felt about the rumor....i felt ok...truth or not....its not my problem anymore. theres nothing i can do to change the past. nothing i can do to take back the decade...i'm where i'm at now...and i can only move forward not lateral and not back... i feel alot of responsibility in my life...i always have...for people, for things, for culture and history. and i dont think theres anything i can do to stop that feeling. but at some point i have to be able to walk away from responsibilities that arent mine and that in the long run or even the immediate, hurt me and who i'm trying to be. those rumors and truth can do that....if i let them. when you work recovery programs, you learn the serenity prayer early on. the lesson i'm learning right now is that i've taken all my courage to change the things i can....when really those things were unchangeable and i didnt want to see them or accept them. and i'm glad to finally know the difference.

what the hell do i keep doing?

So i'm fortunate to have a lot of good support. What i mean by that is that there are people out there, who maybe i consider more acquaintances than friends, who cheer me on whenever i see them. today i ran into one of those women. we talked about my race, we briefly talked about the drama and then she talked me into doing a triathlon relay....what the hell? i'm so excited and proud of myself for running the whole bloomsday race that i feel like i should just keep making bigger plans...crazier plans...plans that fall into the category of "things skinny girls do". thats really the demon i wrestle with sometimes. even if you dont consciously think it, theres lots of voices in your head and mine that say....i'm too heavy to do that...she's too heavy to do that...thats stuff skinny girls do, not me...well i thought that way too...sometimes i still think that way. but i showed myself differently. i can run a whole race. i was self conscious in running especially running along side of mr. superfit. so when i started running this time, i really thought about what will make me comfortable, confident, available to do this kind of thing. first i bought the shoes. when i tried to start running in october, my shoes werent big enough so i had a blue toenail on each foot. then i tried to find the right sports bra or something that wouldnt make me feel the jiggle. i like to watch the biggest loser...alot..it inspires me...sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way...and by negative i mean, i see some of those women who weigh more than i do, sometimes by 100 lbs and i think if that woman can haul her ass around that track so can you....but i kep thinking how do they get over the ever distracting jiggle...so i researched it...they use "compression garments" also known as girdles...those bike shorts they wear are superlycra so that they dont jiggle. everything stays together. and i thought well i have a couple of those...so i tried them and it was amazing...not only does it help me from being self conscious, it also helps me hold a better posture and contract my abs while running. i told my sister in law that one day when she has some overweight woman come to her about running...she can tell her the secret to running is a girdle...really... so my friend who is a swimmer and i are trying to plan a triathlon...all we need is a biker...and we're in...i could bike but i'd have to buy one... so 8 months ago, i was an super unhealthy unhappy woman who needed to pull my life together, transfuse the bad with the good and get on with my life...here i am working out 5-6 days a week, running 12k races and training for a 1/2 marathon. i'd like to say that an enormous amount of weight has come off but it hasnt...but i feel happier, i am healthier and have a mental ability i didnt know i had....so whats a triathlon in the mix or even a marathon by september...theres nothing (and no one) telling me i cant...

for a second

i thought maybe i was being alittle too harsh about the whole run in with jb. and now i think maybe i havent been harsh enough. he never regarded any of my friends as his friends...and actually didnt have much good to say about anyone. so i have this one friend who hangs out with him and says hello to him and all that. i've tried to explain that when my friend hangs out with jb it makes me feel weird...because, 1. the friend never tells me that they have hungout(and i usually find out 2nd hand) and 2. i know they are talking about me because after i confront my friend about hanging out with jb then they tell me what happens. i dont like it enough to consider not being friends with this person anymore. anytime i even mention jb, this friend always sticks up for him even when there is nothing to stick up for him about. i'm not saying people cant all be cool with each other. i talk to people in jbs family all the time. but i dont hangout with them...i have declined every invitation to do so since we broke up. when i talk to them, i dont talk about him. i usually just say hello and thats it. there are a million other things in the world to talk about besides him (although this blog might not represent that;)) and i dont hangout with your exes. if i was your friend first, and i only hungout with your dates because they were with you...i'm probably not gonna go out for beers with them after you break up. and i'm certainly not gonna talk about you with them except to say good things.

bloomsday the A side.

bloomsday was this weekend. i started doing bloomsday a couple of years ago because my friend brian said it might be a cool race to try. the first time, i went with jb, our girls and my friend lyr. we did the race and my friend watched the girls who didnt want to race. it was hard. i didnt know what to expect and i was far more out of shape. so with all the training i'm doing i thought bloomsday fit in perfectly with my schedule. rose is old enough and talented enough to run the whole thing and my friend lyr want to do it too. i was excited and nervous. i've been working up to this distance but in the last two weeks my training has been off. because of the weather and other things. 7.46 miles is not a distance i have ever run...sure i can walk anything but i wanted to be able to run the whole thing. just like i want to run the whole 1/2 marathon...not just walk it...i know it would still be an accomplishment to walk either race...but thats not my goal. as i said in the last post, i was thrown off alittle when i got there. but while i was standing at that start line...i knew i could do it...i knew i could run the whole thing...yes i had something to prove. sometimes, its ok to find motivation in things that hurt us. he hurt me, his words many times told me that i couldnt or he tried to motivate me by being negative and saying he was only trying to help. thats how i got to working out 6 days a week. he told me i didnt try hard enough or i slacked off too much...which is what got me to training for this marathon...and bloomsday. i had something to prove and i've proved it. but to be fair, if it wasnt his voice saying those things, its other peoples voices and sometimes, my own....along the way, i've found out how strong i am. i like working out. i like running and i'm going to keep pursuing this because it makes me feel good. several posts ago i wrote about how i wanted to make things that had been "ours" into new memories. so bloomsday was all of those things. he obviously is doing the same thing.... back to the start line...it was kind of cold but not too bad. i had my gear on...the only thing i really had to conquer was my mind. i made a deal with myself...i had to run until doomsday hill, then i could walk it and run to the end. i wanted to be able to say i ran everything and i had a goal of 1 hour 45 minutes. i didnt have to be superfast as long as i was always running. the first mile was a killer, only because the people hadnt spread out and i couldnt find my pace...then theres a hill which i ran...slowly but i ran it. rose had run off ahead...i encouraged her to run for time because if she ran with me...theres not much she could do for me...i have to do it for myself.... the first four miles were easy....ok maybe not easy but i've done that before so i knew i could. doomsday is about 4.5 miles into the race.i had to walk it...my knees were starting to ache. but i knew that as soon as i got to the top, i'd grab some water and go...and i did. it was a good little break. i knew i would finish. i just had to keep going. at mile 6 i had a stern talk with myself about starting to walk now when i had already come this far....but my knee was aching and i was distracted by the amount of snot in my head. i always run with kleenex or a hankie...this time i only had 2 kleenex which were shreaded and yucky by mile 2 but i kept using them. i used my only option...which was my jacket...thank god its washable...finally at mile 7 i thought i had quite a bit more to go, my knee needed a break and i had to walk....for about 10 steps until i realized...that i was at the corner...the turn that leads you downhill to the finish line.... as i started down the hill, i could hear the people cheering...i almost started to cry...because i was proud of myself...i was happy...i had worked for something and been able to accomplish exactly what i set out to do...on my own... there are lots of things lately, that remind me, when i want to give up....that i'm at that corner...that i can turn it and run to the finish line....on my own...with my own strength and my own body. i landed across the finish line at 1hour and 43 minutes...2 minutes faster than my goal...

bloomsday...the fucked up B side.

I think i'm all done being nice...and lets get the fucked up stuff out of the way... i saw him again in spokane washington at the bloomsday race. i have to go 2 states away to come within 4 feet of him. i knew he was around i could feel it. i was hoping with 50,000 other people there i wouldnt see him...whats the chance? but as we were leaving the race checkin, there he was coming down the hall. he said hello to my friend. not to me. my friend claims that he said hello to jb first. it doesnt matter. jb made a point of saying hello to my friend who was furthest away from him and not even looking at me (who was less than 4 ft aways from him). it threw me off. and made me feel sad. and then pissed me off.... my friend even asked if i wanted to go home. hell, no! i trained for this race and even having the inconsiderate bastard be there wasnt going to ruin that. if anything, it made me want to run more...faster, the whole race. anger is a terrifying motivator. it took me awhile to shake it all off. most of the night. i didnt want to run into him anymore. i hoped he wasnt in the same color group as me. i ran all of the ickiness in my mind....and then...as we were getting on the hotel elevator...rose saw him get off the elevator next to us...he was in the same fucking hotel.....at least, as far as i know, he wasnt on the same floor. but i also had a feeling who he was with...he was with his ex-girlfriend. the woman he cheated on me with in round one! she's the mother of his daughter and he always seems to run back to her. i cant be sure that he didnt cheat on me again during round 2. she used to call him drunk in the middle of the night telling him how much she loved him and to come get her....and for all i know, when i wasnt around...he probably did....like i said several posts ago, the more i find out about what he was doing while we were together, the more i find out that he certainly wasnt committed to me and probably not faithful either. if theres ever a real motivator to move on...its that whole situation. if its not his bromance with his "best friend", its his on going romance with the mother of his daughter. do i know that they arent "just friends"? no but do i need to know? no because i wouldnt believe it anyway with all the lies already laid out. and a little hint that women want to share with men...if you're going to cheat...step up....cheat with someone one hotter, smart, richer, thinner ....something....but dont backslide...because it makes you look like the asshole you already are....but are trying to pretend you arent...i hope it works out for him with her this time...