Loves Recovery

As a writer, I know that my challenge is to say something in a new way. But as a reader, I know that sometimes, I don't have to accept that challenge. I can join those who have said it in a way that represents me and satisfies what I am trying to say.  

 I'm fortunate that during times that I feel are trying, someone unexpected pops up to comfort me along with those who i know are always there for me. . my friend lee can sit across the table and bead. i am comforted just to know he is there. plus he has the most incredible cd selection of just about anybody i know. last weekend he let me rip a ton of his cds. it brought back all of these memories that can transport me 20 years back.  

 The indigo girls remind me of my first year of college... a sense of freedom, i squandered without realizing it.  this songs holds me there even just for a few minutes. but is exactly what i need to say now...

Love's Recovery

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

Promises to myself

Alot has happened since my last blog. And a lot hasnt happened.

I often wonder if I am the only person who feels like I can have a perfectly normal day, perform all of my duties and still inside, be so unsatisfied...still feel so tormented, that i dont know how to solve my own inner angst.

And i know like, most people...if i dont address my angst, then everything else suffers.

After all, isnt it for me to solve?

i've contemplated deleting this blog and then i've decide to renew it...because at the time i started it, my life felt ridiculously close to how it feels now. i'm easily overwhelmed, i have alot of anxiety and i'm not taking care of my own self. the hardest part for me now is that i know the difference. i know what its like to feel strong mentally, emotionally and physically...and yet i feel incapable of making some of that happen.

i'm back because i need this blog to transfuse me...again...

Giving In

Over the past few weeks, I have thought about giving up training for the Missoula 1/2 marathon. My health sucks, my training has suffered and I have a million excuses.

A few days ago, I went to the gym with the goal of running 3 miles. Everything started out fine, it takes me the first mile to open my lungs, clean my mind and find my stride.

When I run, I think about a million things. It has been a trained skill to clear my mind and only think about my stride or my breathing.

This time, I was thinking about Jake. We went to Jake's graduation. While he didn't receive any scholarships, he received something bigger. Each year his school gives one graduating senior a special award. That award is to acknowledge someone who has overcome great adversity to be sitting there among the graduating seniors. As they were discussing the award, I said a little prayer that Jake would get that award. That someone would see in him, his conquering spirit. When his name was announced, Rose and I jumped up, hooting and hollering like crazy women. They didn't tell his story but he was so proud to walk up to the podium and accept this award.

Like a proud mother, I cried when thinking that his walk to accept that award and then his diploma is much longer than a few short strides. And I'm sure along the way, he wanted to give up, to feel alone, to make excuses as to why he could not succeed--why he wouldn't finish.

Some days I truly get sick and tired of people who cannot pursue life because they dont understand it or because its not perfect. Sometimes, life and its perfection is as simple as waking up in the morning....smelling the air...a hot cup of coffee and an egg sandwich...

Jake knows that life is good when he has a warm bed...a home without drugs...food to eat...and people who care about him...its not perfect and in someways, it isnt always his...but he made the most of it in order to get to that podium...to receive his diploma...and to pursue living a life that on the outside looks unglamorous but from where he stands is better than what could have been...

I ran on that treadmill for another mile, crying the whole time...because life really is that simple...not giving up means actively pursuing...and its not always glamorous nor is it perfect...buts it always better than what could have been...

so i'm not giving up..because to give up on this simple act would mean to give up on my commitment...to myself and to the celebration of jake's hard work...

it might not be perfect, it might not be what i want it to be but at the end i know that i accomplished something...

and that a young man who raised himself in the foster care system showed me how...

Part of my comittment includes raising money for Youth Homes, Inc. If every friend on FB or outside of FB would pledge even ONE DOLLAR...i could reach and possibly surpass my goal...

ONE DOLLAR can change the destiny of kids like Jake...

http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk

We Are The World 25 For Haiti - Official Video

we are the children....

i've been a little slack about posting about the reason i'm running the 1/2 marathon. Youth Homes provides shelter,however temporary or permanent, to children in need. i did not grow up in the perfect home...and my parents will be the first ones to admit this...but i grew up and still have both parents, married and available to meet my needs. at 36... i am a single parent. i know how hard it can be to raise a child alone. many times, over the past 15 years, i have cried alone in the night, trying to release the frustration and anger or anxiety and fretfulness that such a huge responsibility can lay on a person... but i never thought, until lately what a responsibility it can lay on a child... until i met jake. jake is a friend of my daughter's. he lives in one of the Youth Homes. i cant tell you how i met him without identifying him. but everyone who knows jake, knows that he lives in foster care. i saw him last summer.he was talking to my auntie. i asked her his story. his mom is a drug addict and his dad was never around. if you ask jake, he will be the first person to tell you that being removed from his mother's care, gave him a chance. he is a grown-up in a young man's body. he wants and needs the same love and care that my child needs, yet he has been left to make adult decisions. i heard him talk about what he will do when he turns 18, the official age to "age-out" of foster care.... he decided to stay in the group home he lives in until graduation. if he does not, he will not have assistance to find a place to live or health insurance if he needs it.... when i was jake's age, i didnt worry about health insurance, i worried about what i was going to wear tomorrow.... hes a great kid...involved in sports and music and whatever else he can find to fill his life with a little bit of joy. and as i run, i think about him. i think about all the kids i know and the people that i love who have been in that system for good or for bad... jake loves my daughter. and we love him. he will graduate in june and then truly be on his own....he wants to make it on his own. i want to, like every mother, even though i am not his, catch him when he falls.... each step i take is a wish for him...a prayer for his life...that it can be better than what it has been. one of my daughter's favorite songs is "we are the world". "we are the one's to make a brighter day, so lets start giving..." as i write this, i am trying to figure out how to make more of an immediate impact on jake's life than just wishes and prayers...he has changed my life and opened my heart.... "there's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives, its true we make a better day...just you and me.."

Bloomsday means blossoming....

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is not what we want to, but what we should do. Jb, Rose and I completed Bloomsday on Sunday. I was not trained to run bloomsday in any way shape or form. My illness, as undiagnosed as it is, is also unrelenting sometimes. I'm tired, run down and in pain. Sometimes one part of me will feel better, only to have another feel worse. So I ran the first 2 miles. ooooooohhhhh how i loved it, i had my rhythm going, my ipod blaring and I was feeling it. Mentally, I was totally prepared. I was reaching for a new challenge and I thought that challenge was to run with a partner. I love to run by myself. I HATE to run with other people and I mean other people running beside me, wanting to keep up with me and chat... when i run by myself there is no one to compare me to but me...when somebody else runs with me as a running partner...truly, i think good god this is going to kill me...because i compare your better form, the fact that you can talk and run so effortlessly at the same time...that your nose doesnt seem to be running all over... I have great difficulty being alone and running was a great lesson in learning to be ok with that. It liberated me to take care of myself alone. the beginning of mile 3 is the first hill. its a little steep and feels better to walk than run. so i briskly cruised to the top...i started to run again....and then another hill. my running partner said his knee felt a bit creaky.... why can i make adjustments for other people's injuries but not my own? so we walked and agreed to walk the next 2 miles. it was relaxing and releasing. somehow making the adjustment for his injury also release me to make an adjustment for mine about a mile later. i walked and kept walking and wondered to myself when did walking 7.5 miles become not good enough? we had agreed to try to trot in for the last 2 miles. i started and i stopped. started and stopped. knowing that my time was already longer than last years i let go of expectations and complaints against myself. i could feel my knee starting to ache and i thought about what jb and rose had both asked me to do before the race...listen to my body and not hurt myself so that tomorrow i would feel worse. i cant ask my daughter to be responsible if i am not. she's in track and rather than win every event her coach asks them only to achieve pr's---personal records. coming to bloomsday, i wanted to achieve a new pr--to be faster than i was last year. last year my pr was to run the entire race. i walk and ran the last 2 miles until i could see the finish line. then i ran in across that line knowing that having conquered other ghosts in my mind was a greater victory than if i had won....a true personal record... and by the way i didnt win...

A Million Excuses

I have them but none of them are that good....my training has halted! mainly because I'm sick. and well, I've ignored it for a bit per usual. so yesterday i went to the doctor. its pretty much the infection i had in September from passing kidney stones. only, as far as i can tell, i haven't passed any kidney stones. soooooo onto antibiotics and other pills that sounds severe but are probably pretty necessary. i've been like many other people who lose weight or train hard. i have become sloppy. yesterday as i sat in the doctors waiting room, i saw my friend who had just done the PF Chang in Tempe. I asked her if she was training for anything else. She said no thats it been hard to get motivated to train for another race after completing the other because she knows now she can do it... maybe i feel a little bit that way...i've got to change my mindset because even i'm getting tired of my own excuses. i'm walking today and letting the meds kick in before i start full on running. easter seems like as good of day as any to settle into my running schedule. dont get me wrong. all of this doesnt mean i have done nothing. it just means i've done things sporadically. like i did 2 6 mile long runs a few weeks ago. i worked out a few days last week and the week before. but that to me isnt training. and its not helping my weight loss or my mind. so i'm whittling down the million to zero...

To Do For Others Is To Do For Yourself

I'm back in the training mode! and I'm excited! WHY? Because I have a new mission, a new goal and I want to make myself proud by reaching it. Last week I signed up to be a member of the Youth Homes Run 4 Kids Missoula Marathon team. I'm seeking sponsorship from every one I know. Even one dollar will get me to my goal. Just like one more step can get me to the next mile... http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk Over the course of training, I'm going to continue blogging. Not just about my experiences training or my life as this blog has been about for the last year. But I want you to know the people I know. The people I love. All who have been in foster care. I want you to know the foster parents I know and love and how the idea of giving love to a child whether your blood or not has always been a part of my life. Come with me, help me change the world....

a few brief words....

this was my horoscope today...but maybe it should become the mantra...Think about the idea of tolerance and notice to what extent it can liberate you. If you allow others to do and think what they like, you will find that more and more you grant yourself this same right.

in my life right now this applies like never before...i am ready to liberate myself and the people around me...

back to our regularly scheduled program

i have gotten lazy. but i have scheduled myself for 2 10ks, one 1/2 marathon and possibly another. we'll be back on the running trail within the week. so stay tuned....

transfusion

i call this blog transfusion because at the time i started it, i had a lot of things i need to get rid of--in my heart, in my head and generally in my life. whether it was bad relationships, bad habits leading to bad health or some bad thinking, a year ago it was time to do or die. i've been off the writing for awhile, not because i dont think of things to write but because i want to live in the moment and sometimes, the moment spills over into my writing time. in the last month since my last post lots has happened. but i wanted to write about one thing in particular. i had an epiphany of sorts and it has changed my world. for much of my 36 years, i have interacted with other people and almost always, taken what they say personally and possibly negatively. there are words that i hear people say and for whatever reason, i hear words that hurt my feelings. whether its talking about losing weight or my child rearing, i have been quick to take offense. until last month. there are some people where i live that i dont particularly care for. i dont hate them or strongly dislike them, i just dont choose to spend my time with them. they have step over my boundaries with my child and i was resentful about it because i felt like their actions said i was a bad parent. believe me, being a single mother of a daughter comes with its own special kind of selfdoubt. i dont think its better or more deserving of empathy than any other kind of parenting, but im saying it has its issues. anyway, the mother of my daughters friend steps over my boundaries and i was resentful. i have tried to figure out why i feel this way? where did it come from and why has it continued to evolve. and after much soul searching...i have no f'ing clue. maybe its cosmic, maybe it was my childhood environment, maybe it was none of those things... one day she said hello to me and i said hello back. she seemed to get great joy that i engaged with her. as i walked away i thought, whats the big deal if we talk? and for some reason, it all came to me. for whatever her actions are....she means no harm. her intentions are good. in finding that she meant no harm in her actions with my child, it released me. it lifted some heavy burden that i didnt even realize i carried with me. from that point on, i have been listening to people, especially my family, with a different sense of thoughtfulness. what i once heard as criticism and critique, i now hear for what it was intended--regular conversation about day to day life, suggestions, ideas---caring, concern, love. i wish i would thoroughly convey the sense of enlightenment i feel. i look around at people now and see so many people really do have good intentions. they mean no harm. and just because its not how i would do or say something doesn't mean the value is any less. it has opened me up. i tend to hole myself away into a shell if i think a person is going to hurt me. i see things politically or spiritually, that i might have criticized harshly before, differently now. it has made me feel a stronger need to convey my intentions clearly. to give people the benefit of the doubt. to love is a freer sense than i have before. i feel no longer transfused but instead transformed. “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” Martin Luther King, Jr.