tongue in cheeks;)

Three jobs I have had in my life:1. picture framer 2. Short order cook3. judge Three places I have lived:1. Lodge Grass, MT is my home 2. D.C. 3. St. Ignatius,MT Three favorite drinks1. tea 2. wine 3. Water ( the holy trinity) Three TV shows that I watch:1. Beverly Hills, 90210 (so?) 2. CSI-Miami 3. Bizarre Foods Three places I have been:1. New Zealand (arohanui, whanua) 2. Hawaii (2 islands) 3.Albuquerque People that e-mail me more often than other people:1. Some guy name Michael Vincent who emails me about jobs in the spambox (and other dirty things;)) 2. My auntie Lindo 3. karen Three of my favorite foods:1. meat 2. huckleberries 3. wine is a food Three things I am looking forward to:1. sleeping 2. becoming famous (it doesnt matter how) 3. meeting the man of my dreams like my horoscopes keep saying.... Three names people call me:1. LD ( i like that one best) 2. Auntie Bean (as i have said before, no you may not...if you are under the age of 18...by all means...) 3.Dena...seems like only my family calls me this.... big kisses peeps....

movie business

not that you care but you should know: 1. i hate the movie the princess bride...no matter how many times i try...i hate it...that also goes for pulp fiction and the royal tennebaums....i've tried in several different moods to watch and i cant. 2. there are lots of movies i could watch over and over and over again...god bless tnt and tbs for always playing them....spanglish, the godfather, the american president and i will admit, i still watch dirty dancing... 3. i once dated a man who said i watched "films" not movies and alleged that i was a cinema snob....yeah ok...whatever....ok maybe...i have seen A LOT of foreign films and i like them...subtitles dont bother me and if i dont feel like reading them...then i watch tnt.... 4. i dont like cowboy movies...now rodeo movies thats a different story... 5. i once made a movie...i was the unit production manager for a production company out of la. i loved movie making and the movie actually won some awards but when it came time to decide to commit to it (which meant moving to LA) well, i couldnt do it...i had a relationship, a child and a letter of acceptance to the law school of my choice....sometimes i had to pick the sure thing and i dont regret it.... 6. for all the movies i love....i actually think the last adult movie i saw in the theater was no country for old men which would have been last winter....i did take rose to see wall-e which she loved and i hated... 7. i'm hauling myself to see slumdog millionaire this weekend if i can...i dont usually buy into the movie/oscar/ pr hype...i actually avoid those movies until much later when i can see them without being surrounded by other opinions but there are some movies i just want to see... 8. i dont like to eat the movie popcorn but sometimes do because rose likes it...i prefer the nachos with the extra pickled jalapenos...if i'm gonna splurge thats what i want.... 9. i miss that rose doesnt want to see all the kiddy movies anymore... 10. she laughs because i thought harry potter's 200 movies were a little scary. 11. one of my top redeeming cool mom qualities right now is that i knew one of the project runway producers...we worked on the movie together and she's from missoula. 12. 2 seasons ago i saw a friend i had lost touch with on the Kay jewelers christmas commercial.... 13. one of my summer camp homies is a huge porn star.... like fan club famous...its weird and cool and still weird.

i know its kind of cheap

but sometimes i have to honestly wonder if any of this, if any of our time together, if feeling like my heart is so broken i cannot fix it...even matters to him....i would like to pretend it does and knowing him as well as i do....i would still like to pretend it does...but somehow i cant guarantee that...and it makes me sad....

storing it all up

often i think about topics i want to write about. then i dont...at least for a while...so some nights, i get a wild hair and a glass of wine to sit down and write out all of the things in my head. but it gets late and i have to sleep...so always know that there is lots more coming.

i'm a planner

even though there are things people dont want to talk about like death...its going to happen. when you have a child you dont have the luxury of denial and believe me, denial is a luxury...so last week, i told my family what i want to happen to me when i die. i knew a girl who died at 25 who had it all planned out...it was in a letter in her top dresser drawer....when she died, i think it was a huge asset to her family to have those wishes out there...so that they didnt have to make actual decisions as much as they had to follow them... i have songs and food and clothes and issues about burial that i want honored. as i told them, they dont have to like them, they just have to follow them...i picked my pallbearers, my clothes, my services.... today at the gym i ran into one of the men i requested to be a pallbearer. he has no idea but in our brief conversation, i was reminded why i chose him.... i know that he will honor me in that walk to the end because he honored while we walked here together now. as a lawyer but more importantly as a part of a community that deals with death on the most hands-on level...plan...make your wishes known...because at the end the people to make decisions are the ones who are already suffering the most....help them then, just as you would help them now.

Pray for me now….

Last Friday I finally decided to go out with my friends…to be proactive and call people and make plans…so I did. I met one friend for a beer and he suggested we do the art walk in Missoula. While at the Missoula Art Museum, we ran into some of my other friends…one woman in particular that I’ve always wanted to hangout with more….so on the fly we decided to have dinner with them which turned into a great evening of wine, food, fun discussions and……committing to run a ½ marathon with her in the summer…. And I don’t regret it….we also planned a book club and a poker night….I remember how much I like to be social but I also remember how hard it is to do some of these things and try to let go of my past. I haven’t had so much fun in a long time though…so I’m continuing to make time to commit to me and part of that is to accommodate my social side with people that I enjoy. The ½ marathon part I’m not really sweating…why? Because in my entire life, for better or for worse, if you told me I couldn’t do something….my response to you…is always the same thing (mature or not) which is fuck you…I’ll show you…it’s the little sister in me who couldn’t play or hangout because I was smaller, or a girl or just not cool….and I still react that way…for better or for worse. So marathon with the girls, here we come….

anniversaries

Lets keep going…last weekend was the 6-month mark. And I would like to pretend to tell you that I’m over it, that its ok, that I’m moving on….but I don’t feel like that…you know the first time around and maybe other times with other men, I’ve felt ok, I’ve felt over it and I never really felt heart broken…. I’ve felt sad and lonely and angry. But it took a good talk with my friend last weekend to be able to admit that I am heart broken…that I never planned a life without him so its like taking all the things you’ve planned, all the dreams you’ve dreamt and then suddenly telling yourself and everybody else (who may or may not be surprised) that “shit, its not gonna happen.” i feel like the second week of a break-up...the first week you are filled with resolve, to move on, that he doesnt deserve you, that you're too good and you will be happier without him...its that second week, when you start to miss him, to wish you could fix it, to possibly want him back, even with the bad and possibly no more good, when you start making deals with yourself about how it will be when you go back if you just act a certain way.....its painful and heart wrenching and sleep depriving....and there is no place for me to go...the only place i feel like i can tell this story is here....i cant tell him which is obvious in that in the six months time he hasnt returned the message i left him nor could he even say hello to me when standing 12 inches from me..... Disappointment I can deal with, it’s the aftermath of having dreamt those dreams….it took me along time to admit my dreams to someone, to have so much faith that I believed I could tell one person all I’ve ever wanted…then to have to wipe all of that out because those dreams and plans involved that person….i think in order to move on i have to admit the heart break, deal with it and in the interim develop new dreams, new goals, new faith in what i can do and want....so if you wonder whats taking me so long...once something is truly broken it takes some time for it to heal.

In My Life

Somedays i feel like dena-downer...so i hide. but then i realize that what if today is all of me...who i am...what i have to give...and its maybe that feeling of feeling too much that i'm hiding from...and thats all there is....i've been spending alot of time alone...alot of time thinking....i feel like i have to hide my feelings still because i should be onto other things by now...i love youtube...it brought me back to alot of music i love and some i have forgotten i love so much....like the last album johnny cash did before he died...if you dont cry during hurt i dont know what will make you....i had also forgotten that he did a remake of one of my all time favorite songs...the song i had wanted played at my wedding and at my funeral....we all have songs that move us like that...if you have the chance check it out on youtube....but even though the beatles wrote it...johnny cash made it... There are places i'll remember All my life though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends i still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life i've loved them all But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When i think of love as something new Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them In my life i love you more Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them In my life i love you more In my life i love you more

giving and giving up

In the last post, I explained that I am not Catholic but somehow I am the most Catholic of my family. I like church, i like the rosary, i like the hymns....etc...theres a lot of comfort i find in catholicism. i have considered getting baptized but have not gone forward with it yet. a few years ago i read an article in reader's digest about what people give up for lent. the article though discussed not just the idea of sacrifice but also the idea of being pro-active. its jist was that lent was a chance not just to give things up but perhaps to do things that you had never done before. one man decided to visit people in nursing homes for lent as a way to give something rather than give up something. i dont usually talk about what i give up for lent because as in most things, its private to me...i dont want to open the door for discussion or scrutiny or whatever may come with talking about it. but i always do something. this in year in continuing on, i decide to take the ideas that i had read and be proactive about my life during this time. like i said at new year's i've already made my resolutions and many of those involve items that i may have given up for lent in the past. i'm giving up self-sabotage for lent. anyone reading who says what is she talking about....knows exactly what i'm talking about...maybe not what i do but what you do...its the minute you get close to a goal, only to stop and pretend you dont want it anymore...its losing a pound and rewarding yourself with cake, its letting people treat you like shit because somewhere your inner voice said you deserve it. its treating other people like shit because you cant take how bad you feel about yourself. much of what got me to where i was and where i am now is the voice inside my head. there was a time in my life where i was surrounded by alot of negative people who used their bad self-esteem to confirm my bad self-esteem. we become who we surround ourselves with. i have eliminated many of those people from my life, not all of them but most. and the longer i know people, the more i know what to keep from them or share. in recovery they talk about getting honest...getting honest with other people but also getting honest with yourself. while i may not be in recovery for many of the typical issues people think of needing 12 step programs for, i am in recovery for many other things, things you dont know about and things you may come to find out about here. self-sabotage doesnt allow you to be honest with yourself. its the voice that gives you permission to derail yourself from your goals, from what you want with whatever incentive it needs to get you away from it...booze, food, love, unworthiness, lies, truth. sometimes self sabotage gives you what you want by you treating other people shitty or better than or whatever...there are lots of words i dont like to use (for a number of reasons) but its the projection of our own wants and needs and our belief that we are unworthy of having those needs met. i dont like to use the word projection but i know thats part of the ideal that i am giving up. i think internally i have always been a person that believed if i gave what a person needed then i would get back what i needed. but the problem was that i didnt give myself what i needed in order to get back what i needed from me. so for 40 days i am going to give it a shot and with that comes honesty and sticking up for myself and even distancing from things and people i dont know how else to protect myself and my goals from. from now till then, who knows what will fill up my easter basket.

Lent

Realistically, I was not raised in the Catholic church. I was not baptized so I could not complete the process of confirmation and all of the other elements of being Catholic. But I was surrounded by Catholicism and it, of any organized religion, has been the most influential in my life. My father used to take me to church. When I was in college a group of us would go to church together. I had rosaries and photos of the Last Supper like every other Indian Catholic I knew. Those items are some of my most prized possessions, not just because of what they mean but more about who they came from. My kokum gave me those things along with my Bible and I keep them with me as much to be close to her as to remember the lessons she taught me. My Gramma Emma was a good Catholic who had great faith in prayer. I dont remember her ever talking to me about Lent. When I was in high school of friend of mine told me what she was giving up for Lent. It had never occurred to me to even consider participating in Lent. But I did and have every year since then. I dont participate in the services of Ash Wednesday and dont actually get crazy on Fat Tuesday. But as I have gotten older, I realized that all Lent is is a timeframe of sacrifice. Many tribal religions have incorporated elements of sacrifice into prayer--fasting, sweating, staying awake, piercing, markings and even cutting are all parts of sacrificing one's self for prayer....giving something to get something....so the idea of giving up something important to me for a period of time to encourage prayer seems instilled in me. I've never talked to my daughter about Lent. For some reason, even when she was very small, she didnt like church. So I never forced it, there are many things like Lent that I participate in alone and without sharing. The other day she came home and told me what she was giving up for Lent. I was a little surprised but took at as an opportunitty to talk about how it applies to our life and the bigger picture. Sometimes history repeats itself before we know its become history.

to honor her

i have written before about the importance of a name and the gifts that people give us even when we dont know them...at the time... last weekend the oldest apsaalooke woman died. she was 99 years old. if you put her life into perspective...she has lived a thousand lives that many of us will never even dream....i knew her...i knew her because she gave my family a great honor. she named my daughter. Annuchubaan Bia---Headwater Woman is the name Rose was given when she was 3 years old. A name is not something the receiver chooses...its a gift....that arrives to you like a flower bulb...you may not see the beauty in it at first....but your name becomes planted in you and it will grow in whatever way you nuture it. I would say this woman's name but early on in her journey to the other side camp, people believe that if you continue to say her name she will think you are calling her back....and thats not what i want for her. This name she gifted to us was the very first name she was given....it was significant of her birth place...in red lodge, montana near the headwaters of the river....the headwaters are where things begin....they can begin with great force or gain momentum as they move toward the ocean....when she gave that name to rose, i thought it was a beautiful name but i didnt know what it would mean to my daughter...as she grows and becomes a woman, it has lead her to be powerful, to lead, to be courageous...as she is the beginning of something great and powerful and important....she is the headwaters of all things phenomenal.... and i am grateful that this apsaalooke bia believe that rose was gifted enough to allow my daughter to carry her name.... they laid her to rest today and circumstances did not allow us to be there....but i want people to know that she has honored us and i will always be grateful for the seed she planted in my daughter--she has become her name and her name has become her...we wish her namer all the great blessings that the other place holds for her...

the good and the bad

so as i said...i've decided to become a runner...i need to, for awhile, dedicate myself to something other than losing weight...let me be clear...i dont love running...but i like the challenge...i like that i can run 4.5 miles in a hour...or that i can run long stretches continuously. i want to increase my speed and my distance and have set a goal of having at least one long run a week...believe me i'm not running 12 miles on any given day (thats uncle lewis the triatholoners long run) but i want to accomplish this...and for right now consistency is the key... i didnt work out friday..so i promised myself that i would work out saturday...i cant sleep lately so i wake up later...but i made sure to be up in time to do a long run at the gym...but i also needed to do my roots because, well, i'm vain and even at the gym there are things that distract me and make me selfconscious...those things take away from my workout...so i did them... i also promised rose she could go with me and we would meet my cousin there..... thats all the good...we got to the gym with only an hour left until they closed....and there it was....his car....and of course, that also meant him.... rose saw it too and she said, well we dont have to go in....and at that moment i had a very quick very direct discussion with myself....what matters most isnt whether you have no fear...its whether you let the fear stop you....and i said no... i need MY workout and i'm not going to let him being there stop me....but i also needed to show her that i have nothing to hide from.... a couple of months ago i walked into barnes and noble and he was there. i didnt realize it was him but she did....i'm proud that she is a girls girl...she did what any of my friends would do...which of course was to whisper that he was over there and to be ok when i turned around and left...without a lecture and without anything but full support. but i cant turn around all the time especially when it means i have to give something up thats important to me. sooner or later we would have to come face to face....and he damn well knows that this is the gym i work out in...i dont go to any other gym....and i dont go to the gym he works out in...in the meantime, my cousin who was inside let me know that yes that was him and yes he was on the treadmill.... and i said fuck it...the worst he can do is say something mean...or nothing at all.... so i took a big breath...and went in....knowing that we hadnt spoken to each other in 5 months...and i'm still having a very hard time with it even though i am the one who left... its also important to know that yesterday was the fifth month....to the day. i had planned to run and so i did. he was on the middle treadmill and being that are only three no matter which one i got on it was right next to him. i hopped on and put my headphones in and got started...neither of us said a word....i ran for a half hour before he left...the hardest part was that there he was, this man i had loved for 10 years and still do love, standing less than a foot from me...and neither of us said anything.... it was so hard to concentrate because a million things were going through my mind....but i was also determined not to stop running because some how, and maybe as always, i wanted to show him what i could do, what i had accomplished.... at one point i realized that no one else was in the room but the two of us....which left me hopeful and then disappointed...because i didnt do anything and he didnt do anything....i dont know what i wanted him to do other than to say hello.... and i knew that i couldnt do it....i have a pretty good idea of what was going through his head...i just needed to read the indicators...and after all this time i still know.... i wanted to talk to him but 3 weeks ago i left him a message telling him that i hoped he was doing good and that i missed him and i never got a response... and he never said a word....when he got off the treadmill, he could have turned away from me to get off but he didnt, he tucked his head down, and turned toward me and jumped off as if he had just realized who was running next to him..... once he was gone, i continued my run for the rest of the time that i had....but all day i couldnt help but feel empty. my horoscope the day before said, you arent really ready to pursue anything new because you arent finished dealing with the past....deal with it before you try to move on.... so i am....

dating

i've never been one to date...i mean really as far as most people know i've only been with two people in my whole life...the donor to my daughter and the man i love but cant stay with.... i've always been one of those girls who wanted to know somebody first...i dont like "date" complete strangers...although i have pursued them....during law school jb and i took what we called the sabbatical...about 15 months apart...i met a man who somehow encouraged me to be forward again...he made the offer and i pursued it....and it was fun, he was fun but as we got to know each other we knew that it wasnt " meant to be"...or whatever the term is when you think you have a future together...about the time we ended it was the time that jb and i rekindled which was 7 years ago....wow thats a long time and i still know those guys....of course realizing that we were only meant to be friends...i always called it "hanging out" i'm just hanging out with someone because for me to be serious means involving a whole lot of other people than just myself....while i may have dated more than those 2 i have brought very few people home...because i'm like that...if i introduce you to my daddy you better be ready....because my daddy is my world...and if you meet my momma you better be ready to impress her...and then theres my kid....i dont introduce her to just anybody... its interesting to note that i've started dating again as she is getting ready to date....as i said earlier...its not that she cant date....its that she chooses not to....theres a very nice boy she likes and i use my own status to spark discussions about dating, commitment and all the other things important in a girls life... but its still difficult. while i dont know what i'm ready for, i have a few ideas about who i'm ready for and i have to take all of those things into consideration....because now she knows what the difference is.... and so do i...

time well spent

so for the past two days i have been sitting at the hospital....several months ago my friend becca asked me to be her birthing coach....mainly i think because her husband had taken a job in another town and she wasnt sure if he would make it in time if she went into labor..... after 2 almost full days of breathing and pushing and pain....baby payton was born at 9:50 pm january 30, 2009....having only been on the giving end of birth and not ever seeing it from any other angle, the whole experience was fascinating...of course no one wants to see her friend in pain and becca was in a lot of pain....i thoroughly enjoy and was honored to be a part of the whole experience....it was amazing and fascinating and wonderful to be a part of something so ordinary and so monumental.... my baby is already 14 and in high school with a very nice boy who seems to like her...and she has grown so fast in front of me and at times i still see her as a little girl....so to see someone starting that journey and a journey becca so wanted is hopeful and delicate and something i appreciate more than anybody really knows....

its official

i'm not all that sure i like this new layout but we'll try it out for awhile... in other news, i am now officially a runner...i dont know what makes it official except that i have been running for 60 minutes for a few weeks...today i ran 4.5 miles in 60 minutes...before there were days i couldnt imagine even wanting to run for 60 minutes. but i'm challenging myself...running used to be something other people did and by other people i mean skinny people....but i know lots of non-skinny people who run so why cant i?

i have to tell you

i love being a stay at home housewife without the husband.... i do what i want...of course i have to make some rules for myself about what gets done in a day but i do what i want when i want and it never involves leaving my house! why does that seem so joyful? because i havent worked at home since 2004? i love to work at home...i like to take breaks when i want to and be super productive when the mood hits me...sometimes i can do 3 days worth of work in a six hour stretch when the mood strikes (or the pressures on;)) i like to make tea and sit in the tub in the middle of the day. i like to change clothes if the ones i have on dont work for me...i like to paddle around in my new pink walmart slippers....like to listen to the tv when i am typing....and i like to sleep with my dog until 9 am....i realize that my life is pretty charmed right now and i am grateful for the opportunity to heal and grow on my own terms. tomorrow i think i will bake a cake...

lets just get this last one out of the way

so things have been going well...i'm coming up with a plan and focusing on how i can do what i want to do with as little work as possible...i got turned down for 3 jobs this week...and really i dont even care.... because i have faith that i can make things happen the way i want them to at least for a little while.... so i'm cool...i've got plans and i have asked people to help me implement those plans.... last week a sweet old lady that i like died....thats obviously a natural theme where i live.... whats not a natural theme though is the evil that people are...i ran into someone that i havent seen in a long time...pre-breakup even....and she asked me about jb and how i was...i just said i broke up with him about 4 months ago....she said....but of course you're happier right? and the answer in honest terms is ....i dont think so...no i'm not happier without him...its part of the struggle i'm having...i know i cant go back but i'm not happier without him...did she ask me if my life is less stressful without him? no and if she did thats a different answer....yes my life is less stressful...but no its not any happier than it was when i was with him...why? i think because the things that make me happy on a daily basis, he knew how to address and did...its the big picture that we didnt have...whats worse though is that this person was really hoping that i would say "YES MY LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT HIM!!!!!" so she could go on and on about how much she didnt like him and what a piece of shit he was etc etc etc....and i didnt give her that in my answer....its funny because i mentioned this whole conversation to my friend mo and she said " i bet she was disappointed in your answer" and for real, she was....and i wasnt...i dont think i should have to lie to make other people feel ok...its part of the secrets bullshit that i no longer choose to participate in....no i am not happier without him....yes i do still miss him....my life is different...i cant say better or worse...just different...i know what i want....and i no longer am willing to compromise....or be who i am not...last week i saw his daughter...i talked to her because what else should i do...ignore her...i loved that little girl for 11 years....maybe she didnt love me back but that doesnt excuse my feelings for her....she seemed surprised..and i dont care...i do keep up on what she does...thats what we talked about...she seemed surprised but kind of relieved....she and my own daughter are innocent bystanders of our own mess....i dont stop loving a kid just because her dad said so.... just like obama...when you take someone as your family you dont just let them fade away...i cant be as active or as influential in her life as i would like to be but i can give her what i can, when i can....and i feel that way toward all his family....i want the best for her...i want her life to be better....i want her to be the best she can be...even if no one else believes that for her.... so i keep trucking along knowing that my wishes are ok and worthwhile....and that some peoples are not and thats ok....

Obama

On this very historic inauguration day, i thought this is an important story too....when sonny and mary took him as their son, he has a duty to them forever, as their son...its not fleeting or casual, its deep and meaningful and lasting. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/19/AR2009011903235.html?referrer=facebook

no i'm not hungry

grieving and healing is the same f-ing rollercoaster that the actual thing i am grieving was and possibly more... on any given day of the seven i may feel exactly like this or any week may be a combination of all seven or one of each or a sprint of several...its like going to wendys and picking my combo meal items....only its the combo meal of emotions and i might need to biggie size the wellbutrin....and order a frosty of pinot grigio.... sundays--i rest and try to put it out of my head because i know whats coming. monday--i still love him and miss him tuesday--i hate him and all the shitty things he did wednesday--who? thursday--i love and hate him but dont miss him.... friday--i hope he's doing well for ten seconds and then move on with my own thoughts. saturday--i hope i can go to barnes and n0ble or the good food store without incident... somedays are more venomous than others some are more sappy and somedays the whole thing doesnt get more than ten minutes...its a stressful ten minutes but thats what it gets...somedays it gets the whole 24 hours, even in my sleep.... i would like to try a different combo meal possibly from a different place....

sometimes i feel like the only one

i know that overall my life is going really well...i'm not dying, i havent had to really work and i'm getting to focus on myself....but i feel very alone in the sense of mourning whats happening in my life....it seems stupid to me, and i do mean stupid, that most days, i feel like i am the only one who misses that relationship. including the other participant. i know its possibly unreasonable but i guess that i dont know that its probably unreasonable...the difficulty right now isnt that the feeling is rational, its just that its the overwhelming feeling...how did this start after i have been feeling so strong and on track? his cousin invited me to be her friend on myspace. i was looking through her pictures and there was a picture, taken very recently, of him and he looked so happy. it wasnt the imagined-put-on happy, it was a look of happiness i havent seen on him in a long time and whats worse i guess is that i begrudge him that. of course i say i want him to be happy and i want him to find what and who makes him happy. but if i'm honest, i guess i wish i knew that all of this hurts him as much as it hurts me and i dont know that and because i know the situation, i dont believe that. and not only does it make me feel stupid, its makes me feel alone....why do i always feel like the only one invested? why do i feel like the only one who really put ten years of their life in, only to have to walk away into nothing and with nothing.... i dont even have to ask people( and believe me, i really dont ask) and everyone tells me "oh he seems really happy, he seems really great" and i feel sad because i dont feel really happy or really great. it also makes me feel responsible in away that i dont usually feel. and i reply thats great, i'm glad for him because part of me is and part of me isnt.... the first time we broke up, i tried to get through by telling myself "he's not sitting at home crying over me, why should i do the same?" and that was true of the situation....he moved on and while it hurt, it made me have to move on too, maybe not to someone new but at least to the next section of my life. i dont know whats going on in his life, because i dont ask anybody...not because i dont want to know but more because i dont want to seem like i want to know and because if i know, it might hurt me even more than not knowing...foolish i realize but at some point in feeling so alone, i feel really like i have to protect myself. it goes back to moments like the phone call....i would answered and i would have talked to him if he had called me...and even if he called me back i would have answered. but reciprocation isnt there and maybe never was....i know he'll never call....it goes back to knowing him and knowing that somehow he can walk away from all of this into whatevers next....in any other situation, i admired that ability...but in being the recipient, its more difficult that even the worst moments of the actual relationship. like i said, this blog isnt always for the exact uplifting tidbit, its really for me to work through all the thoughts in my head including those like this...where a person stands on the edge looking back and has to ask herself what was that? and how do you tell if it even mattered to them?and why does it matter to me that it matter to him? i know rationally that it really shouldnt matter whether or not it matters to him or it hurts him or whatever....but i cant help feeling that way right now.... and whats even sadder is that people dont admit that in their saddest moments, they feel like this too...

Crabby Cancer

i like to read my horoscope...i always have and i read about two of them a day...that doesnt mean i believe every word but its one of those things where i say..what can it hurt? its interesting that my horoscope has been very on lately...my astrology also seems to go very closely with my chinese calendar (see i told you). todays seems exceptionally poignant while i am going through some things this week. i continue to believe that prayer is a powerful thing...that wishing good things into the universe is a great gift not just for those wished for but for those wishing. last night i listened to a man speak about a dream he had. in this dream he saw a trail head and that trail was going to take him to "his" place. in his waking life he knew where that trail head was but had never climbed it before. when he got there, a song came to him. while he was telling this, he was overcome by the power of what he said and what following that offering had meant for him...i am warmed to see people who believe so deeply in the gifts they are given and that there is no shame in his opportunity to be thankful for it. where i was last night is important to me, i wasnt raised in that place but i was brought into it and i am greatful to pray with these people. i see men there who emulate the qualities that i seek in a mate and one of them being that i want someone i can pray with like that, someone who even if they have never gone before, will be open to praying with me and with these people and understand the greatness and strength that i believe prayer has. our prayers are all carried up in songs and i also admire a man who is not afraid to sing and hear his own voice. as indian people, we are taught that prayer has existed for us since the beginning of time, since humans were created and before when only animals existed. it is important to ask for our prayers and be mindful of what may come if our prayers are answered. i thought today's horoscope was a point in the direction to be mindful of my requests and make them about me, not about someone else. and while what happened last night shared a lot of similarities with other experiences i have had there with other people, i need to look forward to what i want and be specific and mindful. i know what the past is and i dont want to compare it to my future. because the past had its value but its gone on and i have only the present and the future. Daily Extended for January 15, 2009 (Today) Cancer 6/22 – 7/22 Overview As you embark upon a new relationship or project, it's only natural that a failed relationship or project from the past should enter your mind. But before you start focusing on all the similarities, look at the contrasts! You can't start letting the past cast a shadow over your present -- you need to stay open and positive right now. It can be hard to do push your fears aside, but you can if you push hard enough and often enough. Whenever stinkin' thinkin' pops into your mind, push it out!

is it really weak?

to continue to care? lots of you have gotten my emergency texts about calling jb. and i've avoided it even when i want to the most...for lots of reasons, all of which i'm sure you can imagine. but the other night i couldnt anymore...so i called...and he answered on the last ring just as i was hanging up....i panicked...and finished closing my phone...i called back....no answer...i called again still no answer so i finally left a message...the message was no big deal other than to tell him that i just wanted to know he's ok and sorry that i panicked on the first call. i dont believe there will ever be a reply. somebody asked me why i want to call him after all of this...like i've said before...its difficult to go from being a major part of someone's life to nothing and its equally as difficult to have someone who is so important in your life one day and you cant call them the next.... the advice i've gotten is to think of all the shitty things he's done and i wont want to call him...and sometimes that works...bb's solution is always to remind me of the background noise in his life and believe me, that works everytime...but i still worry...i wish i could believe he still worried too...i know it all takes time...and somedays i dont even know why it matters. i'm not just missing the good times...i'm still missing all of it...in death there are transitions...the disbelief, the grief, the anger and then what? i think its the same in any kind of grief. i dont know how he feels so i cant tell you why he doesnt talk to me or whether or not he feels anything. i only know that little by little i am making new memories...new experiences but it never lets go of the old...i'm not sure how to do that yet. my friend suggested i go back to reading some of my self-help books to get through...i dont know, i read a lot of them in the beginning. i guess the point is that i spent all of yesterday beating myself for being "weak" and trying to call him. and wondering if he saw it as me being weak too...and thinking that the whole universe thinks i'm weak because i called...a whole day spent over what amounts to about a minute. its wasteful and worthless today but theres a tiny thread still standing that says dont call him, dont be weak....its not me trying to get back together with him...i mean certainly i miss him but it wouldnt be different...its me caring about someone and why should i be ashamed of that even if its unwanted and possibly unwarranted....i cant be ashamed to care about a person i've spent a decade caring about. christ, i still get teary over dogs that i've lost. over people dead 20 years. but i'm caring about someone in the present, right now and while i cant always express it to him, i dont think i should have to hide it especially from myself.... miss m says that great relationships are transparent. but i think to get to transparency i have to become transparent myself in how i feel, openly and honestly to myself most of all.

stop... hold up...dont do it....

so i've been thinking about this one alot but last night confirmed my feelings on it... dont bad-mouth your own relative to their ex...i have been avoiding jb's family for the entire four months (its been four months). and last night confirmed why...at the basketball game, i ran into one of his relatives who said " i heard you two arent dating anymore" and i said "yeah its been like four months since we broke up...." them: "how long were you two together?" me: "ten years." them:"its alright, you'll find somebody better." notice they didnt say somebody else they said somebody BETTER.... i think if you know anything about me, you know that loyalty is extremely important to me. so important that it pains me to see other people not be loyal to their own family...i'm of the michael corleone philosophy that i can talk bad about my family if i want to, but if you talk bad about my family, i will beat your ass....and i mean it...that doesnt mean that i dont see my family or my own flaws because i do...but at the end of the day everything i have is because of my family and what i do is for them and i know that if i need them, no matter how much i may think anyone of them is a pain in the ass on any given day, they will be there come hell or highwater....and i'll clarify this: i have a large number of relatives but i dont consider all of them family. my family is very small and very loyal.... this isnt the first time this has happened in regard to my relationship. its the reason i have avoided them, because i knew that would be the response. i appreciated that most of his family liked me...not all and thats ok, because i didnt like some of them, but they are who he considers his family so i was respectful.... but its the 3rd time its happened in two weeks and i really really HAVE HAD ENOUGH. i have countered those comments before...he is a good person with a deep heart and caring far greater than people can believe. some of us were the only people who got to see that.... i didnt want the conversation to go any further...so i moved over to sit with my friends....and i told them what had been said. thank god for mo...who put it all into words for me... she said its insulting not just to him but to me too like i wasted ten years of my life with a bad choice. and its wrong for his family to act like that. loyalty is important and necessary.... i didnt waste ten years...some of the greatest moments of my life happened then. we just wanted different things and who can fault people for knowing what they want? maybe them saying that is intended to make things easier but i dont know how...it doesn't make me feel better...it only makes me sadder and still protective. once someone very close to him said something very similar and i felt like i had to tell him. at the time i felt like disclosure was necessary as part of a transparent relationship but i also know that i told him partly to hurt him, to show him that other people saw my worth in his life....and after i did it, i felt terrible because i knew that it hurt him even if he didnt want to admit it. for him to know that those people didnt have enough loyalty to say it to him rather than about him hurt him. i still fucking feel terrible for say it and i'm sorry that i ever did. i'm sorry that i used it as a way to hurt him. even if i cant tell him i'm sorry, i am. because intentionally hurting people no matter what, is weak. and weakness is preventable. just keep your lips together until the moment passes...you'll be better for it and so will i.... so if i see your ex...i'm not gonna say oh yeah good job because they sucked and you deserve so much better...even if its the truth...keep it to yourself...why? because people have loyalty even when its sometimes not necessary...if you say it to me, i will still defend him because if i dont it somehow negates my responsibility in my relationship...i was equally as good and equally as at fault for the whole thing...its not all me...and its not all him...how could it be? for the most part people havent said that to me....i have my faults and so did he and because there are two sides to every relationship...who can really lay blame? maybe you didnt love him, maybe his friends didnt love me...but just support me and just support him and dont tell me what a complete asshole he was or maybe what a complete asshole i was, because honestly there is nobody who is harder on themselves about what we did wrong that i am. and nobody misses what we did right as much as i do. i dont need to be reminded....just wish us luck that we can be happy and that things will heal and go on....i'm not hoping for BETTER just different....

moving right along....

i've had a lot to say but not anyway to make it come out... my weird dreams are back again... i started to new year with a bunch of my friends that i hope to spend the new year with. my workout partner and the gym guy werent going to let me stay home (and i will admit now, pout and feel sorry for myself). we ended up cruising around checking out different places like the three bears...the first place was too boring, the second place was too sketchy and the third place was just right. we all just sat around and talked, laughed, and didnt have to do much else because that was enough...i miss big groups of people who all joke and laugh and just want to be together....my friends are so scattered that that doesnt happen very often.... the next night rose and i went to the jump dances...the jump dances are held only at this time of year...i'm not an authority on any of it but i know this...the salish people believe that we should make wishes and prayers for the year to come--for ourselves, our families, our tribal people and the world in general....as we dance in the circle each section represents the four seasons and when you dance you are committing to those prayers. the songs sung are songs that are only brought out during this time of year and will be put away before the season is over. its also an affirmative motion to let go of the past and step forward into the future, to "make your tracks". i am always proud of my girl that she remembers that somethings are more important than hanging with her homies all the time...she missed her friends birthday party to be there with me. she also knows that she has a commitment to her little cousins because they look up to her and she shows them that this a good way to live, that being a salish is a good thing to be and that as a family its a good thing to pray together.... plus she can take them to the bathroom.... it was hard too because i am trying to let go of the past, but this ceremony always had a huge significance in my relationship with jb. part of me was afraid he would be there but part of me was sad when he wasnt...he shouldnt miss out on these things just to avoid what will pass as an uncomfortable moment. i dont know that thats the reason he wasnt there but i suspect it might have been. i made many wishes for all of us....and i cried some tears to get there....but all in all, i'm moving right along.

dumb boys

only true bff's will do boy-recon and never let on....and tell you the truth about what they find out.... today's recon news was a bummer, less because he has a new rebound girlfriend(and god bless that it wasnt me--you never really want to be the first rebound for anybody...maybe i should hurry up and get it over with so someone wont be that for me) and more because he wasnt cool. its lame to let somebody hangout there and then not even do or say anything more...its more than lame, its weak. in the dating game, even the most confident people sometimes expect to get shotdown when asking someone out....other people who are less confident actually expect it rather than the other....but at least have the decency to say thanks but no thanks.... because worse than being lame, is being weak...and its preventable... now back to our regularly scheduled deep thoughts....

Now is not the time

Its almost New Years Eve....i always had a die hard rule for relationships that if i didnt spend new years with you, i didnt want to spend the next year with you....i think in the past i put alot of effort and validation into certain ideals that, well, are not worth the effort.... alot of people i know are scrambling for resolutions right about now..... heres what i have to tell you....my new year started over 3 months ago....so this new years eve feels more like any other day....i have all the good wishes for everybody but my time to start my "resolutions" was months ago and all i can do is take it day by day and keep at it.... for the last ten years...i have seen new years as a day closer to my opportunitty to pray...around here the ceremonies start on new years day....and so they will and i will too.... praying for what we need and what we want and our wishes for each other....as everyday should be....

ok i will....

Saturday, December 27, 2008 Sometimes it's fine to be inverted. Self-reflection comes in handy when you want to better understand why your relationships aren't working. Assess your excess baggage. Let go of past betrayals and disappointments. Free yourself to start fresh with someone new. and i'm ready.... theres lots to write and more will come soon but for now....i'm saying to the universe, i'm ready, i'm doing, not trying....

one last time

its been occurring to me lately that all of the usual anniversaries dont really matter much anymore. realistically, the only date that feels appropriate to talk about is the end date--the last day of my job, the day we broke up, etc etc. and even those are getting tiresome. a few weeks ago, i started a blog about the 3 month anniversary of end of my relationship with jb. but at the time it seemed much less empowering and overwhelmingly sad...so i left it there. i realized that part of what seems so sad is that while i can remember all the good things and the bad, it seems awkward to talk about either with other people. i dont want to be that girl who is still talking about that man she dated a long time ago as if it were yesterday or as if she was still with him....and while its ok to have the memories, i'm not that comfortable talking about them anymore. the prompt for today's blog is that i want to say these things one last time before i try to put them away. we met at the college where we both worked in 1997. i saw him on the july rafting trip but didnt know anything about him...fast forward about 6 months, to the annual christmas party(which for the college was last night, i wanted to tell someone that thats where i really met him, but i thought to myself...whats the point, now that its over?). i remember getting ready, hoping he would be there and that maybe i would finally have a chance to talk to him and get to know him better. it was all of those things and more. we spent the next 6 months getting to know each other, not dating, just becoming friends, maybe courting is a better word. the first gift he ever gave me was during this time and it is still the most memorable gift i've ever been given. (by someone outside my family of course). and so began the counting of days, the bricks that built our relationship, the letters and cards, celebrations, gifts, laughs. the phonecalls to my friends about how wonderful and exciting it all was. in june 1998, we finally went on our first official date. its funny that we had our first date on the deck of a restaurant in polson. i remember thinking is this thing safe because there seemed to be alot of broken boards and things. about 5 years ago that deck collapsed with many people standing on it.... he was witty, intelligent, funny and motivated and so many other things.... to this very day, many rules i live my life by are things i learned from him and lessons we learned together....our connection from the very beginning was so marked, so obvious that it lasts beyond the relationship itself, still within my own spiritual being...i cant speak for him so i wont....but that intuit makes everything that much more difficult to sever, that much sadder to let go.... the first time i really met all his family was at his nephews baptism...and after that dinner he took me on a helicopter ride over the garden wall of the mission mountains. i had known this place all my life but i had never seen it from that perspective....and looking back thats a good analogy for our relationship. we got serious and he encouraged me to apply for law school. so i did and we moved to missoula and started school, him to finish his BA and me to go to law school. that was 1999. there were many incredibly moments and some very sad times during the next two and a half years. a very difficult and very personal moment ended our relationship in january of 2001. realistically, i never thought i would go back but i never really pictured him not being a part of my life. we called that year the sabbatical year. we both dated other people and went on with our lives. over a year later, we started talking again and got back together right before my law school graduation in may of 2002. during the previous almost 4 years, there were phonecalls to each other and others about how wonderful, how exciting, how difficult and how impossible this relationship was....the anger at it ending, the sadness, the hesitation to bring it back and the joy of being together again.... we had grown and changed in good ways, and maybe some bad ways too....i have known many couples who have broken up and gotten back together and end up being together for a long time and for the better...i guess thats what i had in mind. the next six and a half years were filled with joy, travel, growth, change and also some incredibly difficult and trying times, not just in our relationship but in our families, our children and our careers. some of those losses so great, years later, hurt as if they were today...and each of them, i can still clearly see in my mind....many of them though are not mine to talk about... i remember every anniversary of things that happened in our lives--the dates, the places, the people, the emotions. i even look back at what we were doing this time last year and know that theres no more chapters to write of us...only of me and him separately....maybe just for now but possibly maybe forever. i know alot of people expected us to get back together...we havent spoken since that day over three months ago...and i know the stubbornness of ourselves will probably never allow anything else....who can ever really tell what right now means ten years from now....so i just have to be hopeful that the decision i made was the best one... its the daily nuances that are difficult and stop me in my tracks even for just a brief moment. today there was something in the newspaper that before, he and i would have made a huge joke of. theres no one i know that would get the joke but him. theres dumb things like good sales of something he liked that i can no longer call and tell him about. i see him often but have yet to have any face to face contact and certainly no discussion. seeing him used to derail me. a few months ago, bb said during one of my derailments, that soon you'll pass by him and not even notice...and i agree, things are getting easier, moving on more possible and actually something that seems good even great at times. hopeful.... its the instant of being someone's confidante to being nothing that is disarming and unsatisfying. somebody asked me if it was me missing him or me missing being with someone...i know how to be alone. it goes back to my overreaching need to be self-sufficient. another friend told me that breakups, especially after long relationships, are as difficult as a death...and maybe thats true. smells, songs, anything can be reminders....just like when i hear def leppard im back in high school with big hair and wine coolers. or when i smell gasoline, i reminds me of being pregnant with rose. every moment changes but new ones come to replace the old. i know that people close to me know, that i had no alternate plans with this relationship. and so to see it go from everything to nothing has been a difficult adjustment but its also been along time in the making. its getting easier but as each anniversary of something passes, i still remember, it still makes me sad or nostalgic even for a moment. the moments are getting shorter but are still there. it seems like in writing, many people gloss over this change in the cycle--from everything to nothing where the day to day changes to the past.... when relationships end, it seems easier to move along when someone does something terrible to end it...but its not so easy when its just two people realizing that they want different things and cant get to a middle ground to give them. there has been no higher and more wanted obstacle than to love someone so deeply, to believe so strongly in the lasting of something to try everyway to make it work...and nothing so harsh and belittling than to see over the wall but not be able to climb it.... its sad and sweet and irreplaceable...so one last time even glossing over, i wanted to tell the story out loud....because as things go this time of year, it will be time to make new wishes, prayers for the future and once those are said aloud and sent out, it will time to put all of those things away...to pass into the spring....i wish only good things for all of us, including him and maybe for him i wish more...because in loving people, we should wish for them all that they wish for themselves....

Fancy girl secret #2

my car is broked....i think its the thermostat...i tried all my tricks to fix it but in these cars i'm limited...i called the bdw car hotline (scott) and he diagnosed it from chicago...and he's probably pretty close to right...but where its stuck forced me to have to ask somebody to help me today....and i'm not very comfortable with that....of course he helped me, we couldnt get it started but of course he helped me...my friend and i joke that one of the standards on our man list is for him to be "handy." but i have to ask myself, even if he was handy, would i ask or even expect him to help me? i have to learn to make the answer yes....without a doubt yes.... while i dont always love it, i fix things myself...mainly because i'm not very good at asking for or taking help....yes i have moved a washer and dryer set by myself without a handcart(when the nerve in my back was pinched and yes i am dumb sometimes). doing things by myself all the time is like keeping secrets...if i dont ask you to help me, then you dont know i have needs...yes i do like when people do things for me or offer to help. but for most of my life i have been doing things on my own. i dont really know how that started but it created a very stubborn streak in me...one that says fuck off, i'll do it myself. one that i have to say makes self sufficiency a negative not a positive. i will learn to do things so that i dont have to ask for help...i used to be able to diagnose and fix somethings on my old rez cars....it prevented me from having to ask for help, for having to wait for help and sometimes allowed me to avoid the lecture that came with the help.... its a long story, but something was wrong with my sink and someone took it apart...and left it apart for almost a week...after i couldnt stand it anymore...i tried every piece of plumbing i could to fix it. when that wouldnt work i took the whole goddamn thing out and put in a new sink...by myself...just imagine me with a jigsaw cutting up the counter.... only after three days and multiple pipe pieces not fitting together right did i finally call a plumber. it took him about ten minutes to finish what i had started....i also took a part and practically rebuilt and resealed my toilet....i'm not saying no one helps me, i'm simply saying i dont ask for help...my family is like diy hotline for house hold things, cars, spiritual stuff, everything, but none of them live less than 6 hours away. i get alot of phone support, but they cant do it for me or even hand me the wrench.... this isnt bragging about my DIY skills, this is me admitting that i would rather do it myself than ask you to do it for me or even help me or watch me for moral support...because you might say no, you might think i'm weak, you might even think i'm needy....and god forbid one of the most selfsufficient people you know needs help...i realized that i'm surrounded by alot of people like myself... people for whatever reason who dont trust and dont depend on other people.... granted theres plenty of reasons not to depend on other people but theres lots of people worthy of the asking....i'm looking for that kind of equality in a relationship. i'm not blaming anybody about the discrepancies in balance there because really that was my own doing...how can you help if i dont ask...the other question would be, though, in things that are obvious to me, do i really need to ask? i'll have to develop a policies and procedures manual for myself... i know that i'm more than willing to help other people but wonder why i cant treat myself like i would treat you? its like the post about the good body oil...and now that i've done it, i'll buy that oil for myself all the time... this is my second set of secrets i have to figure out how to deal with...that doesnt mean i dont want that tool belt for christmas but maybe in addition to the toolbelt, there could be some one handy to model it....

not every post needs a kleenex

even though it may sound like it sometimes, my life here in the perfect montana town isnt that bad.... i just write the things going through my head....sometimes i want to write about nothing so i do, sometimes the things i start to write about are so crazy and heavy that i have left them in the draft pile. but either way... right now i have a few things to say.... about the previous post, i dont have a deadline on things, put the offer was to come to a party and if you dont respond, shyness doesnt preempt good manners....but theres always ways to overcome.... i'm really glad that my friends waited for me...sometimes you dont realize what a backseat your friends take when you're in a relationship....sure good sense tells you to balance out relationships but i dont know one person who has never become so intertwined with a relationship as not to let your friends slide a bit. when all of this started my friend lyr said "sometimes you just need to say enough is enough" and he's been there since the beginning. and i knew he was right....he's always there, sometimes sharing his opinion, sometimes not...but after 17 years of being friends i'm still glad he waited for me to get back to our normal window shopping and fashion critiquing. another friend, bb also said some magical words to me....she said "even if you go back, no one will think less of you or support or love you any less, we all know how hard something like this is" you know who your friends are in the tough times but it also matters when you have something wonderful to share...who will you call....these and luckily for me, many more people have been there for me and waited for me to pull myself together and see what they see. but even if i didnt my friends allow me to make choices. they dont have to agree with them, they just have to love me through them (and sometimes pray real hard that i'll get a clue). i've had the same friends for 20 years....i'm thankful that you still waited for me...and that text was invented so that i can send lyrics to songs that are important to all of us....like how you are wind beneath my wings and i'm the greatest love of all and you can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night.... so thanks for waiting.... this facebook business has brought me back in touch with tons of people i didnt even know how to find but always wondered about....and i'm totally grateful for all of it...its cool to see how we've grown up or not and how easy it was to see us all fall back in line together.... i'd propose a toast but i've sworn off drinking before 10:30

the next step

Overview If you're not sure whether you ought to go for that promotion or ask out that hottie, just go for it. You deserve the best and there's no need for you to dither while someone else takes it from you! First off, i'm not sure people should ever use the word dither...its sounds yucky...pleasing sounds get pleasing results.... secondly, i decided to be bold and follow my little horoscopes advice. besides the tarot card on my facebook said that today i am the master of my own destiny, so why wait....ok you get your inspiration where you need to get it and i'll get mine where i need to get it.... either way, i needed the encouragement. i know myself pretty well and i know that if i wait until i think i'm "ready" i may be waiting a very long time....because i will come up with 1200 reasons to not date, to not risk it, all the voices that say shitty things....and well, shit i dont have time for it.... i'm not talking about some clock....yes biology says somethings like, you're 35 and your eggs are drying up...i have a child and sure i would like more but i want some other things first. i'm getting older and i'm ready.... its about readiness in the full sense of the word...i have been ready for a long time to have the relationship that i want....i just wasnt with somebody who wanted the same thing....and no matter how much i wished for him to want those things, he didnt. sometimes you have to take people at face value. i had to ask myself many times, "if this relationship were to be exactly as it is now, for the rest of your life, would you be satisfied?" the answer was no. because what we wanted truly was different, even if each of us tried to say it wasnt. and no amount of wishing could change that. and no amount of waiting, on my part, would achieve anything greater, if it wasnt already there. in the middle of the night, when i would work cases in my sleep, i would also think about that relationship, what it was, what it wasnt, and why i needed to let go of it...and letting go of a decade of trials and triumphs was clearly a difficult option to face. i also had to tell myself, that after everything we've been through, at the end of everyday, if he didnt see me for who i was and the commitment that i had already made....he would never see me. there is no life with someone who looks past you and forgets to ever look at you.... christ, no wonder i needed anxiety pills.... so here i am on the other side of that. i'm not as jaded as i thought i would be...and i think that comes from being ready so long. i know its out there, i certainly am not throwing myself at every man available....i have some clear wants....standards if you want to call them that.... its those standards that i saw in someone recently available...so last week i decided to be brave and give him my number. he also seemed interested whenever i saw him, and had asked for my business card before, which certainly helped my attempt at bravery.... but he didnt call. so today i decided to follow the horoscope and go see him. it took all i had to cowboy up and go there....and after all of that, he wasnt there today. i dont know what to think about him, so i'm just not gonna...i mean....i'm not ex-ing him off some big poster board of potential suitors (no i dont have one, it reminds of the suspect boards on The Closer), but i put it out there. you cant wish people into things. i can be open and ready and even looking. things may come to me, they may not. but i know for my part that i have to be willing to try.

surfers wisdom

To find your passion, you have to look inward. If you look outward, all you’ll see is what other people are doing. You’re not other people... Laird Hamilton

do you remember that man who made your boyfriend jealous just by the way he looked at you? most of the time, i dont either, because i was too mired down in the present bullshit of the moment. i was too busy reassuring someone who didnt mirror that reassurance back.

but every once in awhile a man like that comes back or a new one comes along...

tonight i stopped to remember all of those men who for whatever moment, minute, month or hour reminded me of who i am and what i have and that there are people out there that will instantaneously appreciate that.... before you think dirty thoughts, its not like that. we seek out people in our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves, at any given moment, who tell us the things running through our own minds. and to each word we place a value or a devalue... of course your best friend tells you you're beautiful...thats her f-ing job, her responsibility just like its her responsibility to tell you gold spandex may not be the way to go for that job interview.... i can think of several who crossed my path before this last adventure and even during who were different from the partner i had chosen--who seemed so full of belief in me and my greatness that i didnt even know what to do with them...so i sent them away. and while i may not remember the words, i remember every second of the feeling.... my proudest claim to fame was that i wanted to be like the women i knew growing up..of course they were beautiful and men chased after them sometimes for years, sometimes for decades...my motto always has been...i'm the coolest fucking chic you are ever going to know.... in the second that it takes to appear, i remembered her and why i liked her and how she made me fearless, at least on the outside. and sometimes thats the only place you need to be fearless. in seeing what other people are doing, they are mirroring through you how good or shitty they feel about themselves. i hate the word projection because it was a word used to protect poor behavior. but i see it now and the greatest thing i can tell you is that i dont buy it...i have looked inward and remembered my passion...and what other people say or do, appears to me, but doesnt change who i am or want to be. people have tried and will continue to try to convince you and me that we're crazy, needy, less than, that we have patterns and dysfunctions and all of the other words that are meant to wound and deflect responsibility. and what you chose not to see or saw so vividly that you were scared it wasnt true will always be there because its who i am. i'm not other people....

Say it again

When i was a little girl, i would go into my parents room and look at all their books. they had history books, biographies, law books, books about coyote and of the course, the coveted cosmopolitan magazine...i dont really know whether or not we were supposed to look at any of these but it always felt like a secret to climb those stairs and look at those books. when i was a young girl, i was a voracious reader. and i liked to write even then but thought i had no story. i never thought about becoming a writer, i only thought about being a lawyer or a famous singer so i could be on solid gold and hee-haw. but i never saw any nerdy little indian girls with glasses on solid gold. one day when i went to read the books i flipped through a book called Thats What She Said. Its a compilation of fiction and poetry by a variety of american indian women writers. i flipped through (because there were pictures!). I saw a picture of a woman i knew as my auntie and she was wearing a ribbon shirt my mom had made. so i started to check out her section. and this one moment, one poem told me who i would become for the rest of my life. When I Cut My Hair when i cut my hair at thirty-five Grandma said she'd forgive me for cutting it but I cried out everytime I touched my head years from then and Grandma dead it came back to me last night when you said you wanted it all your rich body grounding me safe the touch of your hair took me out I saw pigeon feathers red wool and fur and it wrapped me with the startled past so sudden your hair falling all around us I touched center and forgave myself. Rayna Green As with many of the people in my young life i was surrounded with people who to me were aunties, uncles, grandmas and grandpas....to you they are authors, activists, movie stars and history makers. and for them i am eternally grateful. My auntie rayna is a legendary story teller with her slow southern drawl and big loud laugh.... i knew much later in life that poetry matches us, it becomes us and we become it. when i read this piece, i identified so strongly with its meaning that i knew then that i would be a writer, a story teller, a keeper of history and ride whatever river words would provide me. i was 11. here i am at 35. i didnt come back to that book until college, only after realizing that all of the women whose stories i admired were also in Thats What She Said. In college I studied Erdrich, Tallmountain, Allen, Witt, Hogan and Harjo. All of the women in my auntie's book whose voices had whispered to me until i was old enough to hear them. but her voice was first... her name is eaglewoman her voice is endless.

for those in the know

this is what my little horoscope said today: Daily Flirt: If you've been waiting to call that hottie whose number you've had for a while, now is a make-it-or-break-it time. Your energy is just right for reconnecting, and if you wait any longer, the thread might snap. So i put it out there...no response yet but that doesnt mean anything... it would be cool at least to check out....so we'll see.... ok now you can start holding your breath.

things i did today

1. i highlighted my hair...by myself...the verdict is still out. but i have my hairstylist on emergency standby. 2. i had lunch with my friend 3. i had wine AND huckleberry ice cream at lunch. 4. i went to my fantabulous counselor today....she's like a good friend, with good shoes only you have to make an appt to see her... 5. i searched high and low for a washer. i found 2 of the same model, both 400 bucks new. even the used ones were outrageous. Are you fucking kidding me? plus the people trying to sell them to me thought i was a dumb girl...yeah i'm a dumb girl who knows that i can get a new frontloader for 2oo more with a warranty..... 6. i was reassured that i love being a girl when a cute boy gave me his business card "just in case." ha! in case what? 7. i wore my contacts all day...i've had glasses since i was 6. contacts are weird for me...if i get wrinkles around my eyes its because i had to pull my eyes open so big to get the contacts on there. 8. i rearranged (which also means cleaned) my room so that when i wake up, i am not staring directly at my office. the feng shui says its not so good. i made myself a cubicle. 9. i pretended to be brave and finally distributed my phone number to someone....no word on that one either... 10. i actually let myself stay home from the gym because i'm tired and i want my room clean...when you're on a roll you shouldnt interrupt... 11. i'm putting in my application tomorrow for what could be my dream-ish job....its in missoula and i dont want to commute but the job itself is dreamy. 12. i realized that i can "listen" to music videos on youtube while i clean.....which is awesome. 13. i felt happy today.... reassured...i realized that so many of my friends are pregnant, engaged or newly married and that all makes me happy. happy for them. happy for myself and reassured that change has come...its not something distant but right here in this instant. AND I LIKE IT...

in the big scheme its not important

but i think in all fairness, it should be known, i'm the one who left.... both times.... putsey

Rehab

in my last post i said i was thankful for the opportunity to learned different behaviors in a controlled environment. in re-reading it, it said to me that i'm in emotional rehab and while there i've taken on physical rehab too.... i have no control over anyone but myself and sometimes i dont even have control over that. i can only control how i react and interact with what other people do. sometimes both are very unsatisfying. in trying to break old habits, in being honest with myself and you, its caused alot of strain. sometimes i feel bad about being honest because like i said, it disappoints people. after an interaction with someone today, i needed a cigarette for the first time in a very long time...i needed one to sooth myself...but i didnt....vices arent enough anymore.... isnt that weird? i keep an emergency pack of my favorite cigarettes in my room and they are over three months old. just knowing they are there if i really want them is enough... i took a shower and deciphered what i could have done differently knowing the outcome would still be the same. i took a deep breath and i let it go...because there was nothing else i could do to change how this person acts, only how i react. before this whole scene would have run through my mind for days and it would leave me feeling raw and gutted. but i cant let it anymore... the winter time is a time for change. lots of things are roaming free right now waiting for the prayers of people to send them on and helping people build themselves for the sowing of springtime. as far as the physical rehab, the gym sucked today...i couldnt get out of my own mind and every minute of the 99 felt like the hardest most difficult minutes....but i didnt stop...i usually do 99 minutes on one machine and then maybe another 30 on something else...but i dont stop...today i did that...i got off the machine, got a drink, stretched whatever would give me a second to get my brain off how much i didnt want to do this and back onto the big picture of what i'm doing. it made the workout longer but it was better than quitting at the point i was ready to. i blame all my distraction on the fact that there was no csi:miami on today....