Fancy girl secret #2

my car is broked....i think its the thermostat...i tried all my tricks to fix it but in these cars i'm limited...i called the bdw car hotline (scott) and he diagnosed it from chicago...and he's probably pretty close to right...but where its stuck forced me to have to ask somebody to help me today....and i'm not very comfortable with that....of course he helped me, we couldnt get it started but of course he helped me...my friend and i joke that one of the standards on our man list is for him to be "handy." but i have to ask myself, even if he was handy, would i ask or even expect him to help me? i have to learn to make the answer yes....without a doubt yes.... while i dont always love it, i fix things myself...mainly because i'm not very good at asking for or taking help....yes i have moved a washer and dryer set by myself without a handcart(when the nerve in my back was pinched and yes i am dumb sometimes). doing things by myself all the time is like keeping secrets...if i dont ask you to help me, then you dont know i have needs...yes i do like when people do things for me or offer to help. but for most of my life i have been doing things on my own. i dont really know how that started but it created a very stubborn streak in me...one that says fuck off, i'll do it myself. one that i have to say makes self sufficiency a negative not a positive. i will learn to do things so that i dont have to ask for help...i used to be able to diagnose and fix somethings on my old rez cars....it prevented me from having to ask for help, for having to wait for help and sometimes allowed me to avoid the lecture that came with the help.... its a long story, but something was wrong with my sink and someone took it apart...and left it apart for almost a week...after i couldnt stand it anymore...i tried every piece of plumbing i could to fix it. when that wouldnt work i took the whole goddamn thing out and put in a new sink...by myself...just imagine me with a jigsaw cutting up the counter.... only after three days and multiple pipe pieces not fitting together right did i finally call a plumber. it took him about ten minutes to finish what i had started....i also took a part and practically rebuilt and resealed my toilet....i'm not saying no one helps me, i'm simply saying i dont ask for help...my family is like diy hotline for house hold things, cars, spiritual stuff, everything, but none of them live less than 6 hours away. i get alot of phone support, but they cant do it for me or even hand me the wrench.... this isnt bragging about my DIY skills, this is me admitting that i would rather do it myself than ask you to do it for me or even help me or watch me for moral support...because you might say no, you might think i'm weak, you might even think i'm needy....and god forbid one of the most selfsufficient people you know needs help...i realized that i'm surrounded by alot of people like myself... people for whatever reason who dont trust and dont depend on other people.... granted theres plenty of reasons not to depend on other people but theres lots of people worthy of the asking....i'm looking for that kind of equality in a relationship. i'm not blaming anybody about the discrepancies in balance there because really that was my own doing...how can you help if i dont ask...the other question would be, though, in things that are obvious to me, do i really need to ask? i'll have to develop a policies and procedures manual for myself... i know that i'm more than willing to help other people but wonder why i cant treat myself like i would treat you? its like the post about the good body oil...and now that i've done it, i'll buy that oil for myself all the time... this is my second set of secrets i have to figure out how to deal with...that doesnt mean i dont want that tool belt for christmas but maybe in addition to the toolbelt, there could be some one handy to model it....