Wednesday, December 9, 2009
the strangest things can bring about sad feelings. i'm sitting in finnegans having breakfast and working this morning when i hear a voice. the sounds, the delivery of the words and the words themselves sound so much like my uncle that if i didnt know better i would have thought it was him. but its not. its a man who looks similar to him with his grey beard and toothpick grinding in his teeth. my uncle died 2 years ago. on a rainy September morning, as i drove to my job....the phone started to ring and the whole world became different. it seems like when i miss one, i miss all of them. my dads brothers have all passed..the saddest for me being my uncle with cerebral palsy. my grandparents are all gone and sometimes i am overwhelmed with the things i wish they could see. my mom lost this brother and for both my parents, i think loss like this must be overwhelming. jb lost his uncle a few weeks ago. and then his lead teacher. i am reminded that i have been experiencing loss since i was very young. the day after my 5th birthday my grandpa was murdered and that loss, even at such a young age has made me hyper vigilant about these types of feelings. i realize too that there are many people my age who dont know this kind of loss and to see them go through it now seems like a double edge sword. when you have loss you become conditioned to it but to live a life without it, must somehow be a wonder....
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i dont work...much...but somehow i am always busy lately. and i'm tired. but i'm thankful my folks came over for thanksgiving. tomorrow i will drive home to be with my parents. my dad is having surgery friday. it seems sometimes like one day i woke up and they were older and fragile. i am waiting for my niece to be born...i wanted to call her emme since her inititials are mmbdw but mimi is starting to stick with me. i am thankful that i had enough money for groceries this morning and yesterday. while i seem to be making a decent living, i do worry about money alot. and somehow, like last night, i get a little crazy at the good food store...we ate almost everything up for thanksgiving and i am glad not to waste food but also to know theres money to buy more if i need to. i'm thankful for the new contract i just got. not only did it pay me alot more than expected, it seems to have alot of perks i didnt know about. a couple more of these and i would be set! rose is exhausted from all her social like and basketball practice. shes been so busy that i'm thinking about strapping to her bed all weekend so she will sleep and not get sick. i'm excited for basketball games to start. i love watching high school basketball and she has worked very hard to improve her game. i am also excited for her christmas concert. she has a solo at the communitty wide concert and while shes nervous i know she will do great. i started running and working out again. i let somebody run me through some strength training exercises (which i need) but i am SORE! my friend hl said to think of it as a sign, that obviously i needed to work that muscle...i have a lot of neglected muscles i think. i am sad about the passing of supi mays....her contribution to revitalizing the Salish language will always stand. we always laughed together when we would see each other. sometimes you have to appreciate how rare that it... its wintertime now...and while i am beginnning to prepare for the year to come, i reflect on those i try not to let myself miss...and sometimes it overwhelms me. life is short.