Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
do you remember that man who made your boyfriend jealous just by the way he looked at you? most of the time, i dont either, because i was too mired down in the present bullshit of the moment. i was too busy reassuring someone who didnt mirror that reassurance back.
but every once in awhile a man like that comes back or a new one comes along...tonight i stopped to remember all of those men who for whatever moment, minute, month or hour reminded me of who i am and what i have and that there are people out there that will instantaneously appreciate that.... before you think dirty thoughts, its not like that. we seek out people in our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves, at any given moment, who tell us the things running through our own minds. and to each word we place a value or a devalue... of course your best friend tells you you're beautiful...thats her f-ing job, her responsibility just like its her responsibility to tell you gold spandex may not be the way to go for that job interview.... i can think of several who crossed my path before this last adventure and even during who were different from the partner i had chosen--who seemed so full of belief in me and my greatness that i didnt even know what to do with them...so i sent them away. and while i may not remember the words, i remember every second of the feeling.... my proudest claim to fame was that i wanted to be like the women i knew growing up..of course they were beautiful and men chased after them sometimes for years, sometimes for decades...my motto always has been...i'm the coolest fucking chic you are ever going to know.... in the second that it takes to appear, i remembered her and why i liked her and how she made me fearless, at least on the outside. and sometimes thats the only place you need to be fearless. in seeing what other people are doing, they are mirroring through you how good or shitty they feel about themselves. i hate the word projection because it was a word used to protect poor behavior. but i see it now and the greatest thing i can tell you is that i dont buy it...i have looked inward and remembered my passion...and what other people say or do, appears to me, but doesnt change who i am or want to be. people have tried and will continue to try to convince you and me that we're crazy, needy, less than, that we have patterns and dysfunctions and all of the other words that are meant to wound and deflect responsibility. and what you chose not to see or saw so vividly that you were scared it wasnt true will always be there because its who i am. i'm not other people....
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
secrets keepers have to internalize all that is outside and hold it in. look normal, act perfect. dont giggle. or cry.
as an attorney i took an oath to protect in confidence the discussions between my clients and me. the only time i can break that oath is if that person is in immediate danger of harming themselves or others. i get that. when i left i had 80 active cases. in real terms for me, i had 80 active secrets plus more because of the people they were with or hurt or told. and i was pretty fucking good at it, so good that it was killing me. i talked alot at work. i had to because they were the only people i could talk to. i had no marital privelge and thus no one to share specifics of my work with.
i'm like the bionic woman with secret compartments where i store information. but on the bionic woman doll, her powers were obvious. you knew she could kick your ass.
my powers are not so obvious. but dont underestimate me.i learned from the best how to compartmentalize my life, i kept the secrets of my homelife secret from my work life. i kept the secrets of my spiritual life secret from everything. and i kept the secrets of my own agony from everybody. i have even kept the secrets of my joy to myself.
before i got here, i always thought secrets were a sign of loyalty. if i kept your secret, you could trust me, love me and you would never leave. but keeping your secrets didnt make you love me anymore, or trust me or in any way endear you to me. but they did keep me quiet. while some of you are gone, i still keep your secrets. the secrets that i know aren't immediately going to harm you. they are systematically going to change the course of your life. my life, her life, his life, their life in the future. theres lots of secrets about you that i know that you dont know i know. and i keep that too. because i thought i was protecting you, protecting us, making us stronger.
keeping someone's secrets is how i got here---to a high blood pressure pill, anxiety pills, antidepressants and a pill for my ulcer. my sleepless nights and tormented dreams. secrets are how i became a bulimic, why i smoked and drank and ate. secrets dont allow for boundaries or self-esteem or even self-protection. either you keep them or you dont.
i'm not talking to you specifically. i'm talking to the universe. because i have secrets of my own that nobody knows about, that i've never said to anyone "i'll tell you but you cant tell anybody," that only i know. they flash through my mind like that caution light by the school. slow down. remember me. dont tell.don't cry. suck it up and be strong.
and its time to give that up. i realized that i cry alot lately. its like mourning every moment of the past where i sucked it up and held strong for you, for your family, for my family, for anybody within a thousand mile radius. in my greatest moments of emotional and physical pain, i have blinked, taken a deep breath and got on with the business of taking care of everybody but myself.when i was 16 i broke my leg in two places. while i was flying off the steps onto the ground, i made no noise. i didnt cry out or even cry. the only time i cried was when i was worried that i ruined everybody's christmas by inconveniently breaking my leg. secrets. i've gotten lost in what i believed was my loyalty for people. there are secrets i can no longer keep and wont. there are secrets i wont even let you tell me because i cant hear it. there are secrets i've kept even from myself that i have had to admit over and over again in the last two months. there are secrets that i have let go, not to someone else's ear but from my body. i learned early to take everything in and assume its mine, your problems are mine, my problems are mine, your inablity to love must be my fault, your craziness and shame is something i must fix. i took everything personally and to heart. thats what creates the secrets. secrets are like unfinished projects. today i finished one of those projects and put into the universe a secret i've held for a couple of years. its not mine to determine what happens now, it wasnt even mine to hold onto to protect someone who didnt need protecting. i can no longer be quiet. i can no longer be strong for everyone but myself. püéâstm lemlets