Tuesday, December 9, 2008


in my last post i said i was thankful for the opportunity to learned different behaviors in a controlled environment. in re-reading it, it said to me that i'm in emotional rehab and while there i've taken on physical rehab too.... i have no control over anyone but myself and sometimes i dont even have control over that. i can only control how i react and interact with what other people do. sometimes both are very unsatisfying. in trying to break old habits, in being honest with myself and you, its caused alot of strain. sometimes i feel bad about being honest because like i said, it disappoints people. after an interaction with someone today, i needed a cigarette for the first time in a very long time...i needed one to sooth myself...but i didnt....vices arent enough anymore.... isnt that weird? i keep an emergency pack of my favorite cigarettes in my room and they are over three months old. just knowing they are there if i really want them is enough... i took a shower and deciphered what i could have done differently knowing the outcome would still be the same. i took a deep breath and i let it go...because there was nothing else i could do to change how this person acts, only how i react. before this whole scene would have run through my mind for days and it would leave me feeling raw and gutted. but i cant let it anymore... the winter time is a time for change. lots of things are roaming free right now waiting for the prayers of people to send them on and helping people build themselves for the sowing of springtime. as far as the physical rehab, the gym sucked today...i couldnt get out of my own mind and every minute of the 99 felt like the hardest most difficult minutes....but i didnt stop...i usually do 99 minutes on one machine and then maybe another 30 on something else...but i dont stop...today i did that...i got off the machine, got a drink, stretched whatever would give me a second to get my brain off how much i didnt want to do this and back onto the big picture of what i'm doing. it made the workout longer but it was better than quitting at the point i was ready to. i blame all my distraction on the fact that there was no csi:miami on today....

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