Tuesday, December 16, 2008

the next step

Overview If you're not sure whether you ought to go for that promotion or ask out that hottie, just go for it. You deserve the best and there's no need for you to dither while someone else takes it from you! First off, i'm not sure people should ever use the word dither...its sounds yucky...pleasing sounds get pleasing results.... secondly, i decided to be bold and follow my little horoscopes advice. besides the tarot card on my facebook said that today i am the master of my own destiny, so why wait....ok you get your inspiration where you need to get it and i'll get mine where i need to get it.... either way, i needed the encouragement. i know myself pretty well and i know that if i wait until i think i'm "ready" i may be waiting a very long time....because i will come up with 1200 reasons to not date, to not risk it, all the voices that say shitty things....and well, shit i dont have time for it.... i'm not talking about some clock....yes biology says somethings like, you're 35 and your eggs are drying up...i have a child and sure i would like more but i want some other things first. i'm getting older and i'm ready.... its about readiness in the full sense of the word...i have been ready for a long time to have the relationship that i want....i just wasnt with somebody who wanted the same thing....and no matter how much i wished for him to want those things, he didnt. sometimes you have to take people at face value. i had to ask myself many times, "if this relationship were to be exactly as it is now, for the rest of your life, would you be satisfied?" the answer was no. because what we wanted truly was different, even if each of us tried to say it wasnt. and no amount of wishing could change that. and no amount of waiting, on my part, would achieve anything greater, if it wasnt already there. in the middle of the night, when i would work cases in my sleep, i would also think about that relationship, what it was, what it wasnt, and why i needed to let go of it...and letting go of a decade of trials and triumphs was clearly a difficult option to face. i also had to tell myself, that after everything we've been through, at the end of everyday, if he didnt see me for who i was and the commitment that i had already made....he would never see me. there is no life with someone who looks past you and forgets to ever look at you.... christ, no wonder i needed anxiety pills.... so here i am on the other side of that. i'm not as jaded as i thought i would be...and i think that comes from being ready so long. i know its out there, i certainly am not throwing myself at every man available....i have some clear wants....standards if you want to call them that.... its those standards that i saw in someone recently available...so last week i decided to be brave and give him my number. he also seemed interested whenever i saw him, and had asked for my business card before, which certainly helped my attempt at bravery.... but he didnt call. so today i decided to follow the horoscope and go see him. it took all i had to cowboy up and go there....and after all of that, he wasnt there today. i dont know what to think about him, so i'm just not gonna...i mean....i'm not ex-ing him off some big poster board of potential suitors (no i dont have one, it reminds of the suspect boards on The Closer), but i put it out there. you cant wish people into things. i can be open and ready and even looking. things may come to me, they may not. but i know for my part that i have to be willing to try.

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