Monday, December 6, 2010

Loves Recovery

As a writer, I know that my challenge is to say something in a new way. But as a reader, I know that sometimes, I don't have to accept that challenge. I can join those who have said it in a way that represents me and satisfies what I am trying to say.  

 I'm fortunate that during times that I feel are trying, someone unexpected pops up to comfort me along with those who i know are always there for me. . my friend lee can sit across the table and bead. i am comforted just to know he is there. plus he has the most incredible cd selection of just about anybody i know. last weekend he let me rip a ton of his cds. it brought back all of these memories that can transport me 20 years back.  

 The indigo girls remind me of my first year of college... a sense of freedom, i squandered without realizing it.  this songs holds me there even just for a few minutes. but is exactly what i need to say now...

Love's Recovery

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Promises to myself

Alot has happened since my last blog. And a lot hasnt happened.

I often wonder if I am the only person who feels like I can have a perfectly normal day, perform all of my duties and still inside, be so unsatisfied...still feel so tormented, that i dont know how to solve my own inner angst.

And i know like, most people...if i dont address my angst, then everything else suffers.

After all, isnt it for me to solve?

i've contemplated deleting this blog and then i've decide to renew it...because at the time i started it, my life felt ridiculously close to how it feels now. i'm easily overwhelmed, i have alot of anxiety and i'm not taking care of my own self. the hardest part for me now is that i know the difference. i know what its like to feel strong mentally, emotionally and physically...and yet i feel incapable of making some of that happen.

i'm back because i need this blog to transfuse me...again...