Well, shit...

here i am back, again. I miss blogging. I like to write. I havent in quite awhile unless its for work.

theres lots of changes as usual and somethings that never seem to change.

i have a commitment. i need to get back some of my healthier self. my weight is up. my running, down and my body is starting to really feel it. its an endless cycle of my body hurting so i dont want to work out and my body hurting because i dont work out.
 i have my fourth 1/2 marathon in 2 months. i am not expecting a PR. just want to cross the finish line. my bigger goal is a healthier self by november. when i will get on an airplane to see the kid in new zealand. the idea of being this heavy and uncomfortable in my own body scares me to travel that far.

so, here i am. im back. more updates. more workouts, making it happen.

Aint that the truth!

Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are.

Pema Chodron 

 

HERE I AM, BABY!!!!

I'm back! and ready to blog.
its a new life in a new place. at least for the minute.
i'm getting a graduate degree to my law degree so i can be undeniable(that means theres no reason you can say no when its time to hire me.)
since September 14, i've walked 200 miles.
because i needed to.
i'm almost ready to run.
i've lost some weight but i dont have a scale here. 
my baby girl is off on her own adventures.
my partner in crime and i are working through.
sunshine helps.
i have lots to say now.
my quiet time is over.
so lets get ready to rumble....

i've been away

i wish i could tell you that its because i have been happily living life.
but the reality is, that i've been struggling.
not just in all the external ways, that one can struggle.
i think harder yet, is the internal struggle, the voice inside and the loneliness it can carry.

i have not written here in almost three months.  i think about my voice, this blog, every single day. sometimes i wish that i could just sing to it and it would transcribe. but it cant. and i havent the heart sometimes to release to you, what i hear in my own voice. what i feel i my own heart.

i am a lucky girl. i experience greatness everyday. i have incredible parents, a wonderful daughter, a solid partner and phenomenal people i call brothers and family and yet, i still feel overwhelmed.

sad. incomplete. failure.

it could be a million things...not enough wellbutrin...not enough sun...very few endorphins...but i'm not going to sit here and pretend to be happy when i dont feel it. i have come realize that gratitude and happiness are two different beasts.  i have also realized that sometimes "fake it til you make it" well, just doesnt fucking cut it.

i have moments, dreams and illustrations of what i expected my life to be...and it aint that. dont get me wrong, i lived a pretty charmed life, dont think that i dont see it. but you know what, people can lived pretty charmed lives and still feel regret, remorse, tragedy and beyond.


not just momentarily, but daily...momentously, overwhelmlying...and if that bothers then too fucking bad because honestly its the fastest way to feeling satisfied again...happy fulfilled.

i've been having crazy dreams. of people who are dead and people who have long since left my life (yes that probably means you) and in it i feel like i finally deal with the sadness. i put things not just to bed, but to rest...for a long while...

i have tell you that without leaning on the elegant crutch of astrology...i am the cancer of all cancers...

i'm working my way back to you and back to being whole. spring is coming and we'll keep in touch....

It Begins

OMG I did something I never thought I would do! I fired a client today! the reasons are long and boring (besides being confidential). but i have to say two things:
1. i knew from the beginning I shouldnt have taken this case
2. i'm glad i got out when i did.
i have to say that generally, i'm smarter than this. more savvy than the average bear. but i let my emotions get in the way of my common sense.
after writing my last blog i resolved to evaluate my life as it is. and this particular client fell into that evaluation. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you fail that benefit, you will never get it again. Unless of course you are one turtle. But thats a different story.

so in evaluating my life, i dont look for the easiest cases. i look for client's whose ideologies are similar to mine. i took a case knowing that this was not it. for many reasons, i cant even tell you. but know this,i wont make this mistake again.
nor will i let my lapse in judgment deter me from knowing i am a good lawyer. that i have earned my stripes and i have earned my reputation.
cleaning house is full of the purest joy and the strongest anxiety. its like breaking up when you do the breaking up....you feel scared but also free....
my business success is of my own making. i will not doubt. i will not second guess. even after this one mistake. she will say what shes wants about me. but in the end i know, i made the right decision for both of us.

Shows over

We work on ourselves, in order to help others, but we also help others, in order to work on ourselves. Pema Chandron
I'm better now that we are done making our trail. I feel honest and available and less afraid to choose things for myself.
Somehow, somewhere  I came to  believe that selflessness was the greatest virtue. To give to everyone and ask for nothing in return--not even gratitude. That the lack of gratitude somehow meant I needed to work harder, give more, please everyone.
 
I had a discussion with JB the other night. He said why do you give so much to people, especially people who take advantage of you? The answer used to be that I wanted to give for the goodness of giving, I believed that people would bring back that goodness to me, when I needed it or when my family needed it. 

I tell my cousin/sister all the time how much I enjoy being with her, specifically for two reasons 1. she always asks me how i'm doing and really wants to know the answer. and 2. she doesnt call me only when she needs something.

Growing up, I saw how much my parents gave to people and how often people took advantage of them. Even their own relatives only come to them when they need something. Dont ever call just to see how they are. And I hate it. It was one of the reasons I learned to distinguish relatives from family. I tell people I have a lot of relatives but I have a very small family.

So i'm going to be honest with myself and with people around me. I need to work on myself. I'm going to be selfish and that may be one of my most difficult tasks. So I'm setting my boundaries. Dont ask me to help you with advice or money or anything else, if when you think about it, the only time you call me is when you need something.
There are people who might not consider themselves part of this but who do only call for advice or to get the answer to a question. But fail to even say "hey how are you?" Its those people, I'm cutting out. Not necessary stopping my relationships completely with them but limiting what I can give and when.

I know who my friends are. I know who I can call on when I need help, support, encouragement or talk about the weather. And I know who isnt there.  For years, JB has been telling me to say "No!" when people call asking for things. But I rarely ever let myself say no. After this year, I realize that now is the time. I want to spend my time giving to those who give back. To support those people who are truly my family and my friends. To work on myself in order to give better...but with boundaries.

I want to learn the delicate balance between selfishness and selflessness...

Crybaby

Christmas is over! Thank God! (some puns intended) I hate Christmas. I have always hated Christmas. But when I had Rose, I chose to try to bring to her what I never felt the holidays brought to me or I to them...joy, peace, fulfillment.

And honestly, a holiday, a day cant do all that without some effort.

for most of my adult life, christmas was just a barrier i had to get through to get to what was really important to me...which is the ceremony that people partake of in the winter to start their new year.

to pray for every minute....of every day for the next 3 seasons...until its time to pray again.

i know that often we forget how precious our moments are...but i am reminded each day that rose will soon leave to college. every holiday, every late night chat, every chance to be her mom in all the ways that are important causes me to be teary and thankful and afraid and her shelter.

my daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman. its hard for me to acknowledge that she is so grownup...that its possible for her opinions to be different from mine, for her to be a mediator and a peacemaker without even knowing the impact of her words.

i remember being pregnant with her. i was 20 and had ended a relationship that would bring no joy to the life of a child. i remember the distress of telling my parents that their baby daughter was going to be a mother. and i remember everyday to this day, my own mother's words...a baby can only bring joy if you let it. 

(and dont tell my mom) i followed her advice...and while things weren't ideal, i let her bring joy into this world. and on any given day, you can find her doing the same. sometimes, she breaks out into dance in the grocery store, or she sings silly songs, or she laughs at her dog in the same baby laugh that she was born with.

and when i see her with my parents, i pray that they are here on this earth to see her achieve every dream she has. the bond between them cannot be lost emphasizing the brevity of life.

shes in the paper last week for personally taking on something important to her and doing some thing to help. her christmas fundraiser for the animal shelter was just something she wanted to do. i remember when she mentioned it, think uh...this is going to be a pain in the ass.but the more determined she became, the more ashamed i was of my non-supportive thoughts. i have externally supported her through things that my internal voice said no to.  and her drive was a great success.

today when i read the article, she said mom dont cry....behind every tear...is every minute since the day she was born...that I have been scared for her and proud of her. parenting isnt rocket science. it is the desire to give your child something better than what you had, by exploring their world, the people in it and their own dreams. and by challenging yourself to do the same...

Manifest

I am Apsaalooke.
I am Selis.
I am Anishinabe.
They are all different but the same in that each one, has time during which people focus their prayers for the coming year.

I wait all winter for this night. Every holiday is just one moment closer to me making changes, making offerings, want to share my prayers for you and with you.

I am committed, without fail, to this moment.
There are songs that can only be heard at this time of year. A few nights ago, they were in my sleep with me. Letting me know, that they were here now.



In the dark, waiting for our wishes, our sorrows, our worries and our dreams.


That it is time to smudge away what is left of this year and to kick my dirt, my earth, my ancestors forward, not back.

There is  a lot of good to reflect on and to propel those wishes forward. There is much sorrow that sits with me and I want to leave it behind.

To see the good in you,
to see the good in me.
To build my people
All people.

My family reminds me through this process--not to just ask things to be taken away, but to also ask for what I want to replace them.

health, family, wellness, strength, security, prosperity,joy, peace and forgiveness.

say your wants, your needs, your wishes, your prayers and your deeds.

your universe is listening.

Loves Recovery

As a writer, I know that my challenge is to say something in a new way. But as a reader, I know that sometimes, I don't have to accept that challenge. I can join those who have said it in a way that represents me and satisfies what I am trying to say.  

 I'm fortunate that during times that I feel are trying, someone unexpected pops up to comfort me along with those who i know are always there for me. . my friend lee can sit across the table and bead. i am comforted just to know he is there. plus he has the most incredible cd selection of just about anybody i know. last weekend he let me rip a ton of his cds. it brought back all of these memories that can transport me 20 years back.  

 The indigo girls remind me of my first year of college... a sense of freedom, i squandered without realizing it.  this songs holds me there even just for a few minutes. but is exactly what i need to say now...

Love's Recovery

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

Promises to myself

Alot has happened since my last blog. And a lot hasnt happened.

I often wonder if I am the only person who feels like I can have a perfectly normal day, perform all of my duties and still inside, be so unsatisfied...still feel so tormented, that i dont know how to solve my own inner angst.

And i know like, most people...if i dont address my angst, then everything else suffers.

After all, isnt it for me to solve?

i've contemplated deleting this blog and then i've decide to renew it...because at the time i started it, my life felt ridiculously close to how it feels now. i'm easily overwhelmed, i have alot of anxiety and i'm not taking care of my own self. the hardest part for me now is that i know the difference. i know what its like to feel strong mentally, emotionally and physically...and yet i feel incapable of making some of that happen.

i'm back because i need this blog to transfuse me...again...

Giving In

Over the past few weeks, I have thought about giving up training for the Missoula 1/2 marathon. My health sucks, my training has suffered and I have a million excuses.

A few days ago, I went to the gym with the goal of running 3 miles. Everything started out fine, it takes me the first mile to open my lungs, clean my mind and find my stride.

When I run, I think about a million things. It has been a trained skill to clear my mind and only think about my stride or my breathing.

This time, I was thinking about Jake. We went to Jake's graduation. While he didn't receive any scholarships, he received something bigger. Each year his school gives one graduating senior a special award. That award is to acknowledge someone who has overcome great adversity to be sitting there among the graduating seniors. As they were discussing the award, I said a little prayer that Jake would get that award. That someone would see in him, his conquering spirit. When his name was announced, Rose and I jumped up, hooting and hollering like crazy women. They didn't tell his story but he was so proud to walk up to the podium and accept this award.

Like a proud mother, I cried when thinking that his walk to accept that award and then his diploma is much longer than a few short strides. And I'm sure along the way, he wanted to give up, to feel alone, to make excuses as to why he could not succeed--why he wouldn't finish.

Some days I truly get sick and tired of people who cannot pursue life because they dont understand it or because its not perfect. Sometimes, life and its perfection is as simple as waking up in the morning....smelling the air...a hot cup of coffee and an egg sandwich...

Jake knows that life is good when he has a warm bed...a home without drugs...food to eat...and people who care about him...its not perfect and in someways, it isnt always his...but he made the most of it in order to get to that podium...to receive his diploma...and to pursue living a life that on the outside looks unglamorous but from where he stands is better than what could have been...

I ran on that treadmill for another mile, crying the whole time...because life really is that simple...not giving up means actively pursuing...and its not always glamorous nor is it perfect...buts it always better than what could have been...

so i'm not giving up..because to give up on this simple act would mean to give up on my commitment...to myself and to the celebration of jake's hard work...

it might not be perfect, it might not be what i want it to be but at the end i know that i accomplished something...

and that a young man who raised himself in the foster care system showed me how...

Part of my comittment includes raising money for Youth Homes, Inc. If every friend on FB or outside of FB would pledge even ONE DOLLAR...i could reach and possibly surpass my goal...

ONE DOLLAR can change the destiny of kids like Jake...

http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk

We Are The World 25 For Haiti - Official Video

we are the children....

i've been a little slack about posting about the reason i'm running the 1/2 marathon. Youth Homes provides shelter,however temporary or permanent, to children in need. i did not grow up in the perfect home...and my parents will be the first ones to admit this...but i grew up and still have both parents, married and available to meet my needs. at 36... i am a single parent. i know how hard it can be to raise a child alone. many times, over the past 15 years, i have cried alone in the night, trying to release the frustration and anger or anxiety and fretfulness that such a huge responsibility can lay on a person... but i never thought, until lately what a responsibility it can lay on a child... until i met jake. jake is a friend of my daughter's. he lives in one of the Youth Homes. i cant tell you how i met him without identifying him. but everyone who knows jake, knows that he lives in foster care. i saw him last summer.he was talking to my auntie. i asked her his story. his mom is a drug addict and his dad was never around. if you ask jake, he will be the first person to tell you that being removed from his mother's care, gave him a chance. he is a grown-up in a young man's body. he wants and needs the same love and care that my child needs, yet he has been left to make adult decisions. i heard him talk about what he will do when he turns 18, the official age to "age-out" of foster care.... he decided to stay in the group home he lives in until graduation. if he does not, he will not have assistance to find a place to live or health insurance if he needs it.... when i was jake's age, i didnt worry about health insurance, i worried about what i was going to wear tomorrow.... hes a great kid...involved in sports and music and whatever else he can find to fill his life with a little bit of joy. and as i run, i think about him. i think about all the kids i know and the people that i love who have been in that system for good or for bad... jake loves my daughter. and we love him. he will graduate in june and then truly be on his own....he wants to make it on his own. i want to, like every mother, even though i am not his, catch him when he falls.... each step i take is a wish for him...a prayer for his life...that it can be better than what it has been. one of my daughter's favorite songs is "we are the world". "we are the one's to make a brighter day, so lets start giving..." as i write this, i am trying to figure out how to make more of an immediate impact on jake's life than just wishes and prayers...he has changed my life and opened my heart.... "there's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives, its true we make a better day...just you and me.."

Bloomsday means blossoming....

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is not what we want to, but what we should do. Jb, Rose and I completed Bloomsday on Sunday. I was not trained to run bloomsday in any way shape or form. My illness, as undiagnosed as it is, is also unrelenting sometimes. I'm tired, run down and in pain. Sometimes one part of me will feel better, only to have another feel worse. So I ran the first 2 miles. ooooooohhhhh how i loved it, i had my rhythm going, my ipod blaring and I was feeling it. Mentally, I was totally prepared. I was reaching for a new challenge and I thought that challenge was to run with a partner. I love to run by myself. I HATE to run with other people and I mean other people running beside me, wanting to keep up with me and chat... when i run by myself there is no one to compare me to but me...when somebody else runs with me as a running partner...truly, i think good god this is going to kill me...because i compare your better form, the fact that you can talk and run so effortlessly at the same time...that your nose doesnt seem to be running all over... I have great difficulty being alone and running was a great lesson in learning to be ok with that. It liberated me to take care of myself alone. the beginning of mile 3 is the first hill. its a little steep and feels better to walk than run. so i briskly cruised to the top...i started to run again....and then another hill. my running partner said his knee felt a bit creaky.... why can i make adjustments for other people's injuries but not my own? so we walked and agreed to walk the next 2 miles. it was relaxing and releasing. somehow making the adjustment for his injury also release me to make an adjustment for mine about a mile later. i walked and kept walking and wondered to myself when did walking 7.5 miles become not good enough? we had agreed to try to trot in for the last 2 miles. i started and i stopped. started and stopped. knowing that my time was already longer than last years i let go of expectations and complaints against myself. i could feel my knee starting to ache and i thought about what jb and rose had both asked me to do before the race...listen to my body and not hurt myself so that tomorrow i would feel worse. i cant ask my daughter to be responsible if i am not. she's in track and rather than win every event her coach asks them only to achieve pr's---personal records. coming to bloomsday, i wanted to achieve a new pr--to be faster than i was last year. last year my pr was to run the entire race. i walk and ran the last 2 miles until i could see the finish line. then i ran in across that line knowing that having conquered other ghosts in my mind was a greater victory than if i had won....a true personal record... and by the way i didnt win...

A Million Excuses

I have them but none of them are that good....my training has halted! mainly because I'm sick. and well, I've ignored it for a bit per usual. so yesterday i went to the doctor. its pretty much the infection i had in September from passing kidney stones. only, as far as i can tell, i haven't passed any kidney stones. soooooo onto antibiotics and other pills that sounds severe but are probably pretty necessary. i've been like many other people who lose weight or train hard. i have become sloppy. yesterday as i sat in the doctors waiting room, i saw my friend who had just done the PF Chang in Tempe. I asked her if she was training for anything else. She said no thats it been hard to get motivated to train for another race after completing the other because she knows now she can do it... maybe i feel a little bit that way...i've got to change my mindset because even i'm getting tired of my own excuses. i'm walking today and letting the meds kick in before i start full on running. easter seems like as good of day as any to settle into my running schedule. dont get me wrong. all of this doesnt mean i have done nothing. it just means i've done things sporadically. like i did 2 6 mile long runs a few weeks ago. i worked out a few days last week and the week before. but that to me isnt training. and its not helping my weight loss or my mind. so i'm whittling down the million to zero...

To Do For Others Is To Do For Yourself

I'm back in the training mode! and I'm excited! WHY? Because I have a new mission, a new goal and I want to make myself proud by reaching it. Last week I signed up to be a member of the Youth Homes Run 4 Kids Missoula Marathon team. I'm seeking sponsorship from every one I know. Even one dollar will get me to my goal. Just like one more step can get me to the next mile... http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk Over the course of training, I'm going to continue blogging. Not just about my experiences training or my life as this blog has been about for the last year. But I want you to know the people I know. The people I love. All who have been in foster care. I want you to know the foster parents I know and love and how the idea of giving love to a child whether your blood or not has always been a part of my life. Come with me, help me change the world....

a few brief words....

this was my horoscope today...but maybe it should become the mantra...Think about the idea of tolerance and notice to what extent it can liberate you. If you allow others to do and think what they like, you will find that more and more you grant yourself this same right.

in my life right now this applies like never before...i am ready to liberate myself and the people around me...

back to our regularly scheduled program

i have gotten lazy. but i have scheduled myself for 2 10ks, one 1/2 marathon and possibly another. we'll be back on the running trail within the week. so stay tuned....

transfusion

i call this blog transfusion because at the time i started it, i had a lot of things i need to get rid of--in my heart, in my head and generally in my life. whether it was bad relationships, bad habits leading to bad health or some bad thinking, a year ago it was time to do or die. i've been off the writing for awhile, not because i dont think of things to write but because i want to live in the moment and sometimes, the moment spills over into my writing time. in the last month since my last post lots has happened. but i wanted to write about one thing in particular. i had an epiphany of sorts and it has changed my world. for much of my 36 years, i have interacted with other people and almost always, taken what they say personally and possibly negatively. there are words that i hear people say and for whatever reason, i hear words that hurt my feelings. whether its talking about losing weight or my child rearing, i have been quick to take offense. until last month. there are some people where i live that i dont particularly care for. i dont hate them or strongly dislike them, i just dont choose to spend my time with them. they have step over my boundaries with my child and i was resentful about it because i felt like their actions said i was a bad parent. believe me, being a single mother of a daughter comes with its own special kind of selfdoubt. i dont think its better or more deserving of empathy than any other kind of parenting, but im saying it has its issues. anyway, the mother of my daughters friend steps over my boundaries and i was resentful. i have tried to figure out why i feel this way? where did it come from and why has it continued to evolve. and after much soul searching...i have no f'ing clue. maybe its cosmic, maybe it was my childhood environment, maybe it was none of those things... one day she said hello to me and i said hello back. she seemed to get great joy that i engaged with her. as i walked away i thought, whats the big deal if we talk? and for some reason, it all came to me. for whatever her actions are....she means no harm. her intentions are good. in finding that she meant no harm in her actions with my child, it released me. it lifted some heavy burden that i didnt even realize i carried with me. from that point on, i have been listening to people, especially my family, with a different sense of thoughtfulness. what i once heard as criticism and critique, i now hear for what it was intended--regular conversation about day to day life, suggestions, ideas---caring, concern, love. i wish i would thoroughly convey the sense of enlightenment i feel. i look around at people now and see so many people really do have good intentions. they mean no harm. and just because its not how i would do or say something doesn't mean the value is any less. it has opened me up. i tend to hole myself away into a shell if i think a person is going to hurt me. i see things politically or spiritually, that i might have criticized harshly before, differently now. it has made me feel a stronger need to convey my intentions clearly. to give people the benefit of the doubt. to love is a freer sense than i have before. i feel no longer transfused but instead transformed. “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

he used to call me gal....

the strangest things can bring about sad feelings. i'm sitting in finnegans having breakfast and working this morning when i hear a voice. the sounds, the delivery of the words and the words themselves sound so much like my uncle that if i didnt know better i would have thought it was him. but its not. its a man who looks similar to him with his grey beard and toothpick grinding in his teeth. my uncle died 2 years ago. on a rainy September morning, as i drove to my job....the phone started to ring and the whole world became different. it seems like when i miss one, i miss all of them. my dads brothers have all passed..the saddest for me being my uncle with cerebral palsy. my grandparents are all gone and sometimes i am overwhelmed with the things i wish they could see. my mom lost this brother and for both my parents, i think loss like this must be overwhelming. jb lost his uncle a few weeks ago. and then his lead teacher. i am reminded that i have been experiencing loss since i was very young. the day after my 5th birthday my grandpa was murdered and that loss, even at such a young age has made me hyper vigilant about these types of feelings. i realize too that there are many people my age who dont know this kind of loss and to see them go through it now seems like a double edge sword. when you have loss you become conditioned to it but to live a life without it, must somehow be a wonder....