Wednesday, September 30, 2009

knowing

i have known all this time that i am still sick. i have known all this time that i needed to get back to exercising. i have known all this time that i should probably go to the doctor. but lately, i've come into a different kind of knowing. i'm dating. and the person that i'm dating has changed tremendously since i knew him before. the way he deals with things, the structure of a conversation, the ability to argue but not fight with the other person. and in having all these moments with him, i realized that some things about me havent changed. and its made me feel a bit crazy. there have been conversations where my own internal script says that i should behave or respond a certain way. believe me, i've perfected the internal script. but the problem has become, the other person's script is different, and my own version doesnt work with this reasonable, workable trail of communication. it has actually made me feel like i need to step up my own game alittle bit in making an effort to be reasonable and open to a new script. its a very deep very powerful moment to internally realize that there is a possibility to mature in my own thinking and not expect someone else to just learn the song the way i want them to. somehow it becomes a completely different verse than either of us knows what to do with but it has relieved alot of tension based on expectation. change often is realized only after it happens.

1 comment:

Bridget said...

and so many ways of knowing the change...even years after it has happened. I am glad this is happening for you. None of it is easy and there is no point at which you get to say "aha! this is it, I figured it all out!"

But I am glad we are always learning and growing. Wouldn't life be boring otherwise?