Monday, April 4, 2011

i've been away

i wish i could tell you that its because i have been happily living life.
but the reality is, that i've been struggling.
not just in all the external ways, that one can struggle.
i think harder yet, is the internal struggle, the voice inside and the loneliness it can carry.

i have not written here in almost three months.  i think about my voice, this blog, every single day. sometimes i wish that i could just sing to it and it would transcribe. but it cant. and i havent the heart sometimes to release to you, what i hear in my own voice. what i feel i my own heart.

i am a lucky girl. i experience greatness everyday. i have incredible parents, a wonderful daughter, a solid partner and phenomenal people i call brothers and family and yet, i still feel overwhelmed.

sad. incomplete. failure.

it could be a million things...not enough wellbutrin...not enough sun...very few endorphins...but i'm not going to sit here and pretend to be happy when i dont feel it. i have come realize that gratitude and happiness are two different beasts.  i have also realized that sometimes "fake it til you make it" well, just doesnt fucking cut it.

i have moments, dreams and illustrations of what i expected my life to be...and it aint that. dont get me wrong, i lived a pretty charmed life, dont think that i dont see it. but you know what, people can lived pretty charmed lives and still feel regret, remorse, tragedy and beyond.

not just momentarily, but daily...momentously, overwhelmlying...and if that bothers then too fucking bad because honestly its the fastest way to feeling satisfied again...happy fulfilled.

i've been having crazy dreams. of people who are dead and people who have long since left my life (yes that probably means you) and in it i feel like i finally deal with the sadness. i put things not just to bed, but to rest...for a long while...

i have tell you that without leaning on the elegant crutch of astrology...i am the cancer of all cancers...

i'm working my way back to you and back to being whole. spring is coming and we'll keep in touch....


Anonymous said...

Wow! You are beautiful Eldena because you have the strength, the honesty & integrity to be you. I have been feeling those same sentiments & it felt cleansing to read & know I am not alone. It is hard, It is lonely. It is worth it.
Thank you. your friend,

Monica said...

Hey 'Dena,

Thanks for the post. Too True.