Sunday, February 8, 2009

the good and the bad

so as i said...i've decided to become a runner...i need to, for awhile, dedicate myself to something other than losing weight...let me be clear...i dont love running...but i like the challenge...i like that i can run 4.5 miles in a hour...or that i can run long stretches continuously. i want to increase my speed and my distance and have set a goal of having at least one long run a week...believe me i'm not running 12 miles on any given day (thats uncle lewis the triatholoners long run) but i want to accomplish this...and for right now consistency is the key... i didnt work out i promised myself that i would work out saturday...i cant sleep lately so i wake up later...but i made sure to be up in time to do a long run at the gym...but i also needed to do my roots because, well, i'm vain and even at the gym there are things that distract me and make me selfconscious...those things take away from my i did them... i also promised rose she could go with me and we would meet my cousin there..... thats all the good...we got to the gym with only an hour left until they closed....and there it was....his car....and of course, that also meant him.... rose saw it too and she said, well we dont have to go in....and at that moment i had a very quick very direct discussion with myself....what matters most isnt whether you have no fear...its whether you let the fear stop you....and i said no... i need MY workout and i'm not going to let him being there stop me....but i also needed to show her that i have nothing to hide from.... a couple of months ago i walked into barnes and noble and he was there. i didnt realize it was him but she did....i'm proud that she is a girls girl...she did what any of my friends would do...which of course was to whisper that he was over there and to be ok when i turned around and left...without a lecture and without anything but full support. but i cant turn around all the time especially when it means i have to give something up thats important to me. sooner or later we would have to come face to face....and he damn well knows that this is the gym i work out in...i dont go to any other gym....and i dont go to the gym he works out the meantime, my cousin who was inside let me know that yes that was him and yes he was on the treadmill.... and i said fuck it...the worst he can do is say something mean...or nothing at all.... so i took a big breath...and went in....knowing that we hadnt spoken to each other in 5 months...and i'm still having a very hard time with it even though i am the one who left... its also important to know that yesterday was the fifth the day. i had planned to run and so i did. he was on the middle treadmill and being that are only three no matter which one i got on it was right next to him. i hopped on and put my headphones in and got started...neither of us said a word....i ran for a half hour before he left...the hardest part was that there he was, this man i had loved for 10 years and still do love, standing less than a foot from me...and neither of us said anything.... it was so hard to concentrate because a million things were going through my mind....but i was also determined not to stop running because some how, and maybe as always, i wanted to show him what i could do, what i had accomplished.... at one point i realized that no one else was in the room but the two of us....which left me hopeful and then disappointed...because i didnt do anything and he didnt do anything....i dont know what i wanted him to do other than to say hello.... and i knew that i couldnt do it....i have a pretty good idea of what was going through his head...i just needed to read the indicators...and after all this time i still know.... i wanted to talk to him but 3 weeks ago i left him a message telling him that i hoped he was doing good and that i missed him and i never got a response... and he never said a word....when he got off the treadmill, he could have turned away from me to get off but he didnt, he tucked his head down, and turned toward me and jumped off as if he had just realized who was running next to him..... once he was gone, i continued my run for the rest of the time that i had....but all day i couldnt help but feel empty. my horoscope the day before said, you arent really ready to pursue anything new because you arent finished dealing with the with it before you try to move on.... so i am....

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