Tuesday, March 31, 2009

the lent report

its funny how as soon as you say you arent going to do something, you do it...in full force...for no apparent reason. i gave up self sabotage for lent and in the weeks since lent started, i appear to have done nothing but.... it started with me slowly not keeping good track of my food. then to slowing down my workouts, or skipping my workouts. i keep my mileage on a calendar next to my work desk so i can see how much or how little i have done in a week. and its been lacking... then that seemed to give me permission to keep slacking, to eat bad and drink too much... which then somehow all ends in one big berating...part of my need to work out has been to get out of my mind, to stop listening to the voices that tell me i cant or better yet tell me even if i do, i'll still suck. lately i seem to be struggling with the rejection part of the grieving process. its been an underlying current all the way through this but i didnt want to admit it until now. i know there are viable, reasonable answers for all of the questions i ask myself but it never stops the current of rejection that i feel. i ask myself and others....i gave everything, he gave nothing and yet he doesnt want me...he can still walk away cleanly and happily and keep going on about his life. and he has. i know that i'm the one who ended it but it still feels as though he rejected me not the other way around. its been nothing but a huge emptiness. even when i can talk about, i know that it wasnt a good place for me to be, it wasnt transparent and the more i find out, the less trust i should have given him. but it doesnt reduce the amount of rejection i feel. and its a really lonely kind of rejection....i keep wanting an answer i know isnt coming. i used to talk to my therapist about wanting to just know why and she reminded me that i may never know and even if i did, how would it matter, why would it matter, it wouldnt change how things ended or were in our relationship. there are things i have been putting off doing for the last 6 months or so, just in case, in case of what i dont know...maybe that we could be friends, because i know theres no reconciliation. i know that if i proceed with those things it will seal the final nail and maybe thats what i have been afraid of. but i realize i'm still trying to give to someone who not only doesnt want it but wont give anything back...ever....period....so its time to address those things. soon. and know what i know on the face of things, that after that, theres no turning back. so today i'm resolving just to get through today...no big heroic deeds have to get done, no deep liberating feelings have to be accomplished. i just need to get from here to there without destroying the accomplishments i have.

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