dumb boys

only true bff's will do boy-recon and never let on....and tell you the truth about what they find out.... today's recon news was a bummer, less because he has a new rebound girlfriend(and god bless that it wasnt me--you never really want to be the first rebound for anybody...maybe i should hurry up and get it over with so someone wont be that for me) and more because he wasnt cool. its lame to let somebody hangout there and then not even do or say anything more...its more than lame, its weak. in the dating game, even the most confident people sometimes expect to get shotdown when asking someone out....other people who are less confident actually expect it rather than the other....but at least have the decency to say thanks but no thanks.... because worse than being lame, is being weak...and its preventable... now back to our regularly scheduled deep thoughts....

Now is not the time

Its almost New Years Eve....i always had a die hard rule for relationships that if i didnt spend new years with you, i didnt want to spend the next year with you....i think in the past i put alot of effort and validation into certain ideals that, well, are not worth the effort.... alot of people i know are scrambling for resolutions right about now..... heres what i have to tell you....my new year started over 3 months ago....so this new years eve feels more like any other day....i have all the good wishes for everybody but my time to start my "resolutions" was months ago and all i can do is take it day by day and keep at it.... for the last ten years...i have seen new years as a day closer to my opportunitty to pray...around here the ceremonies start on new years day....and so they will and i will too.... praying for what we need and what we want and our wishes for each other....as everyday should be....

ok i will....

Saturday, December 27, 2008 Sometimes it's fine to be inverted. Self-reflection comes in handy when you want to better understand why your relationships aren't working. Assess your excess baggage. Let go of past betrayals and disappointments. Free yourself to start fresh with someone new. and i'm ready.... theres lots to write and more will come soon but for now....i'm saying to the universe, i'm ready, i'm doing, not trying....

one last time

its been occurring to me lately that all of the usual anniversaries dont really matter much anymore. realistically, the only date that feels appropriate to talk about is the end date--the last day of my job, the day we broke up, etc etc. and even those are getting tiresome. a few weeks ago, i started a blog about the 3 month anniversary of end of my relationship with jb. but at the time it seemed much less empowering and overwhelmingly sad...so i left it there. i realized that part of what seems so sad is that while i can remember all the good things and the bad, it seems awkward to talk about either with other people. i dont want to be that girl who is still talking about that man she dated a long time ago as if it were yesterday or as if she was still with him....and while its ok to have the memories, i'm not that comfortable talking about them anymore. the prompt for today's blog is that i want to say these things one last time before i try to put them away. we met at the college where we both worked in 1997. i saw him on the july rafting trip but didnt know anything about him...fast forward about 6 months, to the annual christmas party(which for the college was last night, i wanted to tell someone that thats where i really met him, but i thought to myself...whats the point, now that its over?). i remember getting ready, hoping he would be there and that maybe i would finally have a chance to talk to him and get to know him better. it was all of those things and more. we spent the next 6 months getting to know each other, not dating, just becoming friends, maybe courting is a better word. the first gift he ever gave me was during this time and it is still the most memorable gift i've ever been given. (by someone outside my family of course). and so began the counting of days, the bricks that built our relationship, the letters and cards, celebrations, gifts, laughs. the phonecalls to my friends about how wonderful and exciting it all was. in june 1998, we finally went on our first official date. its funny that we had our first date on the deck of a restaurant in polson. i remember thinking is this thing safe because there seemed to be alot of broken boards and things. about 5 years ago that deck collapsed with many people standing on it.... he was witty, intelligent, funny and motivated and so many other things.... to this very day, many rules i live my life by are things i learned from him and lessons we learned together....our connection from the very beginning was so marked, so obvious that it lasts beyond the relationship itself, still within my own spiritual being...i cant speak for him so i wont....but that intuit makes everything that much more difficult to sever, that much sadder to let go.... the first time i really met all his family was at his nephews baptism...and after that dinner he took me on a helicopter ride over the garden wall of the mission mountains. i had known this place all my life but i had never seen it from that perspective....and looking back thats a good analogy for our relationship. we got serious and he encouraged me to apply for law school. so i did and we moved to missoula and started school, him to finish his BA and me to go to law school. that was 1999. there were many incredibly moments and some very sad times during the next two and a half years. a very difficult and very personal moment ended our relationship in january of 2001. realistically, i never thought i would go back but i never really pictured him not being a part of my life. we called that year the sabbatical year. we both dated other people and went on with our lives. over a year later, we started talking again and got back together right before my law school graduation in may of 2002. during the previous almost 4 years, there were phonecalls to each other and others about how wonderful, how exciting, how difficult and how impossible this relationship was....the anger at it ending, the sadness, the hesitation to bring it back and the joy of being together again.... we had grown and changed in good ways, and maybe some bad ways too....i have known many couples who have broken up and gotten back together and end up being together for a long time and for the better...i guess thats what i had in mind. the next six and a half years were filled with joy, travel, growth, change and also some incredibly difficult and trying times, not just in our relationship but in our families, our children and our careers. some of those losses so great, years later, hurt as if they were today...and each of them, i can still clearly see in my mind....many of them though are not mine to talk about... i remember every anniversary of things that happened in our lives--the dates, the places, the people, the emotions. i even look back at what we were doing this time last year and know that theres no more chapters to write of us...only of me and him separately....maybe just for now but possibly maybe forever. i know alot of people expected us to get back together...we havent spoken since that day over three months ago...and i know the stubbornness of ourselves will probably never allow anything else....who can ever really tell what right now means ten years from now....so i just have to be hopeful that the decision i made was the best one... its the daily nuances that are difficult and stop me in my tracks even for just a brief moment. today there was something in the newspaper that before, he and i would have made a huge joke of. theres no one i know that would get the joke but him. theres dumb things like good sales of something he liked that i can no longer call and tell him about. i see him often but have yet to have any face to face contact and certainly no discussion. seeing him used to derail me. a few months ago, bb said during one of my derailments, that soon you'll pass by him and not even notice...and i agree, things are getting easier, moving on more possible and actually something that seems good even great at times. hopeful.... its the instant of being someone's confidante to being nothing that is disarming and unsatisfying. somebody asked me if it was me missing him or me missing being with someone...i know how to be alone. it goes back to my overreaching need to be self-sufficient. another friend told me that breakups, especially after long relationships, are as difficult as a death...and maybe thats true. smells, songs, anything can be reminders....just like when i hear def leppard im back in high school with big hair and wine coolers. or when i smell gasoline, i reminds me of being pregnant with rose. every moment changes but new ones come to replace the old. i know that people close to me know, that i had no alternate plans with this relationship. and so to see it go from everything to nothing has been a difficult adjustment but its also been along time in the making. its getting easier but as each anniversary of something passes, i still remember, it still makes me sad or nostalgic even for a moment. the moments are getting shorter but are still there. it seems like in writing, many people gloss over this change in the cycle--from everything to nothing where the day to day changes to the past.... when relationships end, it seems easier to move along when someone does something terrible to end it...but its not so easy when its just two people realizing that they want different things and cant get to a middle ground to give them. there has been no higher and more wanted obstacle than to love someone so deeply, to believe so strongly in the lasting of something to try everyway to make it work...and nothing so harsh and belittling than to see over the wall but not be able to climb it.... its sad and sweet and irreplaceable...so one last time even glossing over, i wanted to tell the story out loud....because as things go this time of year, it will be time to make new wishes, prayers for the future and once those are said aloud and sent out, it will time to put all of those things away...to pass into the spring....i wish only good things for all of us, including him and maybe for him i wish more...because in loving people, we should wish for them all that they wish for themselves....

Fancy girl secret #2

my car is broked....i think its the thermostat...i tried all my tricks to fix it but in these cars i'm limited...i called the bdw car hotline (scott) and he diagnosed it from chicago...and he's probably pretty close to right...but where its stuck forced me to have to ask somebody to help me today....and i'm not very comfortable with that....of course he helped me, we couldnt get it started but of course he helped me...my friend and i joke that one of the standards on our man list is for him to be "handy." but i have to ask myself, even if he was handy, would i ask or even expect him to help me? i have to learn to make the answer yes....without a doubt yes.... while i dont always love it, i fix things myself...mainly because i'm not very good at asking for or taking help....yes i have moved a washer and dryer set by myself without a handcart(when the nerve in my back was pinched and yes i am dumb sometimes). doing things by myself all the time is like keeping secrets...if i dont ask you to help me, then you dont know i have needs...yes i do like when people do things for me or offer to help. but for most of my life i have been doing things on my own. i dont really know how that started but it created a very stubborn streak in me...one that says fuck off, i'll do it myself. one that i have to say makes self sufficiency a negative not a positive. i will learn to do things so that i dont have to ask for help...i used to be able to diagnose and fix somethings on my old rez cars....it prevented me from having to ask for help, for having to wait for help and sometimes allowed me to avoid the lecture that came with the help.... its a long story, but something was wrong with my sink and someone took it apart...and left it apart for almost a week...after i couldnt stand it anymore...i tried every piece of plumbing i could to fix it. when that wouldnt work i took the whole goddamn thing out and put in a new sink...by myself...just imagine me with a jigsaw cutting up the counter.... only after three days and multiple pipe pieces not fitting together right did i finally call a plumber. it took him about ten minutes to finish what i had started....i also took a part and practically rebuilt and resealed my toilet....i'm not saying no one helps me, i'm simply saying i dont ask for help...my family is like diy hotline for house hold things, cars, spiritual stuff, everything, but none of them live less than 6 hours away. i get alot of phone support, but they cant do it for me or even hand me the wrench.... this isnt bragging about my DIY skills, this is me admitting that i would rather do it myself than ask you to do it for me or even help me or watch me for moral support...because you might say no, you might think i'm weak, you might even think i'm needy....and god forbid one of the most selfsufficient people you know needs help...i realized that i'm surrounded by alot of people like myself... people for whatever reason who dont trust and dont depend on other people.... granted theres plenty of reasons not to depend on other people but theres lots of people worthy of the asking....i'm looking for that kind of equality in a relationship. i'm not blaming anybody about the discrepancies in balance there because really that was my own doing...how can you help if i dont ask...the other question would be, though, in things that are obvious to me, do i really need to ask? i'll have to develop a policies and procedures manual for myself... i know that i'm more than willing to help other people but wonder why i cant treat myself like i would treat you? its like the post about the good body oil...and now that i've done it, i'll buy that oil for myself all the time... this is my second set of secrets i have to figure out how to deal with...that doesnt mean i dont want that tool belt for christmas but maybe in addition to the toolbelt, there could be some one handy to model it....

not every post needs a kleenex

even though it may sound like it sometimes, my life here in the perfect montana town isnt that bad.... i just write the things going through my head....sometimes i want to write about nothing so i do, sometimes the things i start to write about are so crazy and heavy that i have left them in the draft pile. but either way... right now i have a few things to say.... about the previous post, i dont have a deadline on things, put the offer was to come to a party and if you dont respond, shyness doesnt preempt good manners....but theres always ways to overcome.... i'm really glad that my friends waited for me...sometimes you dont realize what a backseat your friends take when you're in a relationship....sure good sense tells you to balance out relationships but i dont know one person who has never become so intertwined with a relationship as not to let your friends slide a bit. when all of this started my friend lyr said "sometimes you just need to say enough is enough" and he's been there since the beginning. and i knew he was right....he's always there, sometimes sharing his opinion, sometimes not...but after 17 years of being friends i'm still glad he waited for me to get back to our normal window shopping and fashion critiquing. another friend, bb also said some magical words to me....she said "even if you go back, no one will think less of you or support or love you any less, we all know how hard something like this is" you know who your friends are in the tough times but it also matters when you have something wonderful to share...who will you call....these and luckily for me, many more people have been there for me and waited for me to pull myself together and see what they see. but even if i didnt my friends allow me to make choices. they dont have to agree with them, they just have to love me through them (and sometimes pray real hard that i'll get a clue). i've had the same friends for 20 years....i'm thankful that you still waited for me...and that text was invented so that i can send lyrics to songs that are important to all of us....like how you are wind beneath my wings and i'm the greatest love of all and you can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night.... so thanks for waiting.... this facebook business has brought me back in touch with tons of people i didnt even know how to find but always wondered about....and i'm totally grateful for all of it...its cool to see how we've grown up or not and how easy it was to see us all fall back in line together.... i'd propose a toast but i've sworn off drinking before 10:30

the next step

Overview If you're not sure whether you ought to go for that promotion or ask out that hottie, just go for it. You deserve the best and there's no need for you to dither while someone else takes it from you! First off, i'm not sure people should ever use the word dither...its sounds yucky...pleasing sounds get pleasing results.... secondly, i decided to be bold and follow my little horoscopes advice. besides the tarot card on my facebook said that today i am the master of my own destiny, so why wait....ok you get your inspiration where you need to get it and i'll get mine where i need to get it.... either way, i needed the encouragement. i know myself pretty well and i know that if i wait until i think i'm "ready" i may be waiting a very long time....because i will come up with 1200 reasons to not date, to not risk it, all the voices that say shitty things....and well, shit i dont have time for it.... i'm not talking about some clock....yes biology says somethings like, you're 35 and your eggs are drying up...i have a child and sure i would like more but i want some other things first. i'm getting older and i'm ready.... its about readiness in the full sense of the word...i have been ready for a long time to have the relationship that i want....i just wasnt with somebody who wanted the same thing....and no matter how much i wished for him to want those things, he didnt. sometimes you have to take people at face value. i had to ask myself many times, "if this relationship were to be exactly as it is now, for the rest of your life, would you be satisfied?" the answer was no. because what we wanted truly was different, even if each of us tried to say it wasnt. and no amount of wishing could change that. and no amount of waiting, on my part, would achieve anything greater, if it wasnt already there. in the middle of the night, when i would work cases in my sleep, i would also think about that relationship, what it was, what it wasnt, and why i needed to let go of it...and letting go of a decade of trials and triumphs was clearly a difficult option to face. i also had to tell myself, that after everything we've been through, at the end of everyday, if he didnt see me for who i was and the commitment that i had already made....he would never see me. there is no life with someone who looks past you and forgets to ever look at you.... christ, no wonder i needed anxiety pills.... so here i am on the other side of that. i'm not as jaded as i thought i would be...and i think that comes from being ready so long. i know its out there, i certainly am not throwing myself at every man available....i have some clear wants....standards if you want to call them that.... its those standards that i saw in someone recently available...so last week i decided to be brave and give him my number. he also seemed interested whenever i saw him, and had asked for my business card before, which certainly helped my attempt at bravery.... but he didnt call. so today i decided to follow the horoscope and go see him. it took all i had to cowboy up and go there....and after all of that, he wasnt there today. i dont know what to think about him, so i'm just not gonna...i mean....i'm not ex-ing him off some big poster board of potential suitors (no i dont have one, it reminds of the suspect boards on The Closer), but i put it out there. you cant wish people into things. i can be open and ready and even looking. things may come to me, they may not. but i know for my part that i have to be willing to try.

surfers wisdom

To find your passion, you have to look inward. If you look outward, all you’ll see is what other people are doing. You’re not other people... Laird Hamilton

do you remember that man who made your boyfriend jealous just by the way he looked at you? most of the time, i dont either, because i was too mired down in the present bullshit of the moment. i was too busy reassuring someone who didnt mirror that reassurance back.

but every once in awhile a man like that comes back or a new one comes along...

tonight i stopped to remember all of those men who for whatever moment, minute, month or hour reminded me of who i am and what i have and that there are people out there that will instantaneously appreciate that.... before you think dirty thoughts, its not like that. we seek out people in our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves, at any given moment, who tell us the things running through our own minds. and to each word we place a value or a devalue... of course your best friend tells you you're beautiful...thats her f-ing job, her responsibility just like its her responsibility to tell you gold spandex may not be the way to go for that job interview.... i can think of several who crossed my path before this last adventure and even during who were different from the partner i had chosen--who seemed so full of belief in me and my greatness that i didnt even know what to do with them...so i sent them away. and while i may not remember the words, i remember every second of the feeling.... my proudest claim to fame was that i wanted to be like the women i knew growing up..of course they were beautiful and men chased after them sometimes for years, sometimes for decades...my motto always has been...i'm the coolest fucking chic you are ever going to know.... in the second that it takes to appear, i remembered her and why i liked her and how she made me fearless, at least on the outside. and sometimes thats the only place you need to be fearless. in seeing what other people are doing, they are mirroring through you how good or shitty they feel about themselves. i hate the word projection because it was a word used to protect poor behavior. but i see it now and the greatest thing i can tell you is that i dont buy it...i have looked inward and remembered my passion...and what other people say or do, appears to me, but doesnt change who i am or want to be. people have tried and will continue to try to convince you and me that we're crazy, needy, less than, that we have patterns and dysfunctions and all of the other words that are meant to wound and deflect responsibility. and what you chose not to see or saw so vividly that you were scared it wasnt true will always be there because its who i am. i'm not other people....

Say it again

When i was a little girl, i would go into my parents room and look at all their books. they had history books, biographies, law books, books about coyote and of the course, the coveted cosmopolitan magazine...i dont really know whether or not we were supposed to look at any of these but it always felt like a secret to climb those stairs and look at those books. when i was a young girl, i was a voracious reader. and i liked to write even then but thought i had no story. i never thought about becoming a writer, i only thought about being a lawyer or a famous singer so i could be on solid gold and hee-haw. but i never saw any nerdy little indian girls with glasses on solid gold. one day when i went to read the books i flipped through a book called Thats What She Said. Its a compilation of fiction and poetry by a variety of american indian women writers. i flipped through (because there were pictures!). I saw a picture of a woman i knew as my auntie and she was wearing a ribbon shirt my mom had made. so i started to check out her section. and this one moment, one poem told me who i would become for the rest of my life. When I Cut My Hair when i cut my hair at thirty-five Grandma said she'd forgive me for cutting it but I cried out everytime I touched my head years from then and Grandma dead it came back to me last night when you said you wanted it all your rich body grounding me safe the touch of your hair took me out I saw pigeon feathers red wool and fur and it wrapped me with the startled past so sudden your hair falling all around us I touched center and forgave myself. Rayna Green As with many of the people in my young life i was surrounded with people who to me were aunties, uncles, grandmas and grandpas....to you they are authors, activists, movie stars and history makers. and for them i am eternally grateful. My auntie rayna is a legendary story teller with her slow southern drawl and big loud laugh.... i knew much later in life that poetry matches us, it becomes us and we become it. when i read this piece, i identified so strongly with its meaning that i knew then that i would be a writer, a story teller, a keeper of history and ride whatever river words would provide me. i was 11. here i am at 35. i didnt come back to that book until college, only after realizing that all of the women whose stories i admired were also in Thats What She Said. In college I studied Erdrich, Tallmountain, Allen, Witt, Hogan and Harjo. All of the women in my auntie's book whose voices had whispered to me until i was old enough to hear them. but her voice was first... her name is eaglewoman her voice is endless.

for those in the know

this is what my little horoscope said today: Daily Flirt: If you've been waiting to call that hottie whose number you've had for a while, now is a make-it-or-break-it time. Your energy is just right for reconnecting, and if you wait any longer, the thread might snap. So i put it out there...no response yet but that doesnt mean anything... it would be cool at least to check out....so we'll see.... ok now you can start holding your breath.

things i did today

1. i highlighted my hair...by myself...the verdict is still out. but i have my hairstylist on emergency standby. 2. i had lunch with my friend 3. i had wine AND huckleberry ice cream at lunch. 4. i went to my fantabulous counselor today....she's like a good friend, with good shoes only you have to make an appt to see her... 5. i searched high and low for a washer. i found 2 of the same model, both 400 bucks new. even the used ones were outrageous. Are you fucking kidding me? plus the people trying to sell them to me thought i was a dumb girl...yeah i'm a dumb girl who knows that i can get a new frontloader for 2oo more with a warranty..... 6. i was reassured that i love being a girl when a cute boy gave me his business card "just in case." ha! in case what? 7. i wore my contacts all day...i've had glasses since i was 6. contacts are weird for me...if i get wrinkles around my eyes its because i had to pull my eyes open so big to get the contacts on there. 8. i rearranged (which also means cleaned) my room so that when i wake up, i am not staring directly at my office. the feng shui says its not so good. i made myself a cubicle. 9. i pretended to be brave and finally distributed my phone number to someone....no word on that one either... 10. i actually let myself stay home from the gym because i'm tired and i want my room clean...when you're on a roll you shouldnt interrupt... 11. i'm putting in my application tomorrow for what could be my dream-ish job....its in missoula and i dont want to commute but the job itself is dreamy. 12. i realized that i can "listen" to music videos on youtube while i clean.....which is awesome. 13. i felt happy today.... reassured...i realized that so many of my friends are pregnant, engaged or newly married and that all makes me happy. happy for them. happy for myself and reassured that change has come...its not something distant but right here in this instant. AND I LIKE IT...

in the big scheme its not important

but i think in all fairness, it should be known, i'm the one who left.... both times.... putsey

Rehab

in my last post i said i was thankful for the opportunity to learned different behaviors in a controlled environment. in re-reading it, it said to me that i'm in emotional rehab and while there i've taken on physical rehab too.... i have no control over anyone but myself and sometimes i dont even have control over that. i can only control how i react and interact with what other people do. sometimes both are very unsatisfying. in trying to break old habits, in being honest with myself and you, its caused alot of strain. sometimes i feel bad about being honest because like i said, it disappoints people. after an interaction with someone today, i needed a cigarette for the first time in a very long time...i needed one to sooth myself...but i didnt....vices arent enough anymore.... isnt that weird? i keep an emergency pack of my favorite cigarettes in my room and they are over three months old. just knowing they are there if i really want them is enough... i took a shower and deciphered what i could have done differently knowing the outcome would still be the same. i took a deep breath and i let it go...because there was nothing else i could do to change how this person acts, only how i react. before this whole scene would have run through my mind for days and it would leave me feeling raw and gutted. but i cant let it anymore... the winter time is a time for change. lots of things are roaming free right now waiting for the prayers of people to send them on and helping people build themselves for the sowing of springtime. as far as the physical rehab, the gym sucked today...i couldnt get out of my own mind and every minute of the 99 felt like the hardest most difficult minutes....but i didnt stop...i usually do 99 minutes on one machine and then maybe another 30 on something else...but i dont stop...today i did that...i got off the machine, got a drink, stretched whatever would give me a second to get my brain off how much i didnt want to do this and back onto the big picture of what i'm doing. it made the workout longer but it was better than quitting at the point i was ready to. i blame all my distraction on the fact that there was no csi:miami on today....

sometimes you need to laugh...

today i went to lunch with my friend. we always have a good time. and because she's a good friend, she lets me drag her to the place where the very handsome man works (i'm trying to think who would play him in a movie...its coming to me). not that she hates it because the food is good but its also usually entertaining... he's very cool--very smart, very congenial and it doesnt hurt that he's nice looking-- but he also makes me laugh at quirky crazy things. big loud laughs... i like big loud laughs. i always like to be with my family because if somethings really funny then everyone lets out a big loud laugh...we're almost always the loudest table somewhere....and sometimes its stuff only we get. we come from a long line of bullshitters, storytellers, historykeepers...whatever you want to call them and while we all know the sad stories its deeply ingrained in us to perpetuate the good times, the funny stories, the happiness of who we've been and who we are.... at moments when i take myself too seriously or my thoughts are too heavy, i turn to them or my friends... the other day uncle lewlis and i had lunch...we laugh at all sorts of things (including the shoes you're wearing). we laughed the whole time over big foccacia sandwiches.....big loud laughs where your eyes squint up and your whole mouth opens.... sometimes in all of this, you have to make a choice to be happy or sad. and sometimes sad takes a lot more energy than happy, yet people still choose sad.... i was feeling a little bit of that today. so i went there specifically because if he was there, i knew he'd make me laugh(i'd tell you about it but you had to be there). and if he wasnt i'd still laugh with my friend....its the choice to seek out joy that i'm pursuing the most right now.... on the way to lunch, i saw something that could have thrown me back and a few months ago would have but its time to make choices... and the avoidance of sad or stress or anger is what i choose....believe me, i pray every night with appreciation that i have the opportunity to avoid right now and learn to make solid choices in a controlled environment so that when i go back to work or whatever--relationships, life, etc...i've made good choices for myself a habit.... in making that choice though i have to turn my back on things that dont bring me joy and i have to say no to people who want from me things that dont bring me joy....and thats hard because it disappoints people when old habits fall through...and its hard for me to disappoint people but the long run is what i'm shooting for here and sanity has to be a part of that.... a very long time ago my friend sent this to me and i have always kept it.... Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.--Mary Jean Iron i continue to pray for normal days and people who perpetuate in life big loud laughs....

is calgon really a cure?

probably not because in my case it makes things worse by giving me a rash on my skin. i soak in pikake oil that i bought at the good food store..i had one of those moments where i realized that i would spend ten dollars on that oil for somebody else but not myself. and i have been looking at it and smelling it for probably a year. so two weeks ago i bought it with the promise to myself that if i bought it, i couldnt save it. i do that too, i buy something nice and save it for "good" whatever the hell that means. so each day i soothe myself by smelling like hawaii. i loved hawaii when we went there, so many things seemed ideal...even if others werent. today was a hard day for all sorts of reasons. i took a bath with my oil, drank a beer, ate some of rose's christmas cookies and i still have a headache. maybe sleep is the cure.

keeping track

who would have thought that i would ever spend a saturday night at the gym? not me. but since i was sick on friday and didnt hike the m, i went to the gym for two hours yesterday. and it was killing me. but if you ask me do i want to go to the gym...i'm going to tell you yes. its commits me and then i hate to look like a chump. so thank goodness my workout partner who can also be known all the other 22 hours of the day as my fab-u-lous cousin has been making sure i commit to working out. she reminds me of what i was and where i might be heading to again...but thats another blog... i might even go again today. while i'm working hard each time, i dont think i'm in any place to worry about training injuries just yet. i lift weights, i even did ab work which i hate. i dont know why i hate it i just do but as has been the lesson so far just because i dont like it doesnt mean i wont get the results i want. and since my cousin has lost like 30 lbs in three months and does ab work everyday, i see that the results can be bigger than my dislike for it. i use sparkpeople to track my food, my exercise, my weight and a whole bunch of other things. i've used weight watchers which i liked but had to pay for, i used fitday.com which is ok but didnt have enough tools, i tried mypyramid which has some helpful stuff but i settled on sparkpeople because it gives me dumb little incentives like points for logging in. i get to spin this wheel for my login points. twice last week on the wheel there was a free t-shirt for me to win...i didnt but i spun that wheel like it was the prices right taking me to the showcase show down. sparkpeople also lets me track certain minerals and other things i need to focus on. i need to keep track of my sodium intake because of my blood pressure. i also keep track of my vitamins and my fiber. somedays i see more vegetables on my tracker somedays not. i like weight watchers because it assigned all your food point values. some things in serving sizes had no point values, like vegetables. somethings that were higher in fats and sugar had bigger point values than the calories would usually add up to. it also allowed a person to eat the number of activity points you had earned that day. so i could eat my points on any foods, i didnt necessarily have to count my vegetables other than to make sure i was getting enough servings and then if i wanted a little extra i could eat it if i worked out that day and still lose weight. it also has some highly trafficked boards with alot of the same people on everyday so its nice to follow their stories and easy to do. and do you know what the sad part is? i think i know all the formulas for ww but i still cant quite make it work without being on the website. so i'm sticking to what i've got on spark people and seeing how it goes. i also like spark people because theres alot of articles and actual videos on there for weightloss, mental health and exercise. and if you need it, it will come up with a weight training program for you, meal plans and has you set goals and then tells you what you need to do to get there. sometimes i'm all about being told instead of doing the telling. and its better for sparkpeople to tell me what to do because if i decide not to do it, then it doesnt have personal feelings when i tell it to fuck off.... they should give me a damn t-shirt just for writing this. on another note, i'm deeply disturbed by the fact that people eat so shitty, that all sorts of foods are now adding extra fiber to their ingredients. splenda for example--why do i need my fake sweetener to have fiber in it? does my coffee need fiber? NO if i'm drinking coffee i know what the after effects maybe be and i dont need the extra fiber to move that along. some answers are easy--eat some vegetables people and if that doesnt work drink some hot water and honey because everything else causes a trainwreck. ps if you decide to sign up for sparkpeople tell them user lovelylime referred you....it gives me more points....to use on nothing but i still like the points.

lets talk about my weight....

ok not that indepth because well that takes wine, possibly some cigarettes and a reason. but i've now been working out almost three months. i can climb the M. tomorrow i'm going to try to beat my 22 minutes up. but if i dont i wont stress because i'm sick(we went over that already). a few lessons that i've learned. 1. even though i've lost 16lbs, you cant tell. its all in my legs and chest. so dont look because really, you cant tell. and i havent lost a size or anything else. i stand taller because i've located some abdominal muscles...and thats enough of a result for right now... 2. and thats ok, part of this journey is to understand how different people's bodies are. for example a lady at the gym told me she's lost 22 lbs. shes gone from an 18 to a 10. hearing something like that used to frustrate me. now i know i'll get to where i'm going. 3. i weigh myself all day everyday...why you ask? because its kind of fascinating to me to see how much my weight can fluctuate in a day. it gives me perspective. like after i ate a hamburger last night, it was the same weight i woke up to. after i drink a big bottle of water, it can go up 3 lbs...who knows. but whatever i see on the scale at any given time is no longer a deterrent. 4. just like weight watchers, i weigh in on fridays for my "official" weight for the week. 5. i'm happy today that the high weights on any given afternoon used to be the morning starting points. 6. i can beat the voices in my head...the ones that say you cant do this, get off this machine, wouldnt it be nice to go home and put on your jammies? today i did 90minutes on that elliptical machine i used to hate, while i was sick. and wanted to do more.... 7. did you know you can run on that thing? to push myself, i would try to go ask fast as i could go. at one point it said i was going 9.5 miles an hour.... 8.i'm very proud of the fact that i sweat through every single layer i wear to work out every single day...it causes a lot of laundry but so what? 9. i appreciate that there are people who notice whether i'm at the gym or not and that they really cheer me on. i'm not afraid to reveal my numbers because they know where i started and where i'm at and i know the same about them. its like a cult...the secret enbdw weight loss cult. no i'm not going to tell you the numbers. get it in the autobiography. 10. i started all of this because somebody told me that i'd failed before because i wasnt motivated. i dont know about you but whens the last time you methodically ate 1200 calories a day for months? i was motivated but i was also afraid. i'm not afraid anymore. i've announced to the world that i'm trying to lose weight and still whether i succeed is not hinged on your judgment or the person who thought their helpful words would motivate me. those words did motivate me but now i motivate me with an endless number of reasons i want to do this ( there are still no cigarettes or wine so you'll wait.) 11. i used to be an emotional eater and every once in a while i have an emergency doughnut. but i dont make harsh decisions about who i am because of it. like i said i have given up every vice but swearing (which i gave up once for lent and only lasted one day) and self help books (ok and trashy novels and tv shows). in order to get to where i'm going, i have to stop being afraid of things that you'd never imagine i was afraid of. theres alot more coming from that book eat pray love....

i'm sick

always in my life i have never had time to be sick. i'm sick now. it just came out of nowhere yesterday and by 2pm i was ready to lay down and die. but i didnt. i kept going. i didnt go to the gym though. my ears are dry and itchy, my throat sore, my nose runny and i'm tired. so i took a bath put on my jammies and hung out. i'm so self sufficient, that while asleep last night, i propped myself up on another pillow, emptied my vase with the wooden flowers on my nightstand and set it close by, just in case. and i drank some water. i vaguely remember doing this but not really. i remember kind of choking and thats why i needed the extra pillow. i wanted to be sick today but i had to go to polson for the kids contacts. by the time we got back, i thought i should try the gym (besides my horoscope said--even if you dont feel good go to the gym). and now i am home again. i want to be sick tomorrow but have a trillion appts already scheduled. so if i still feel like this on saturday, saturdays the sick day. although i would like to go to the griz playoff game.... on another uplifting note...there seem to be cutey men everywhere i go...were they always there? or are they just there now because i'm single...i dont care...smiley cutey men are on the top of the list today...even if i am sick.

configuration....

Sometimes when i start reading a book, i just cant get into it even though i want to. I'm reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It wasn't until this paragraph that i was able to meditate on this book. by meditate, i simply mean to focus all my attention to one thing...she's talking about her divorce and why she wont write about the person or the marriage because she cant be unbiased...but she also says this: "Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didnt want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland. " I dont intend to write about jb much here, or at least about him or his actions in depth, because like she says, i cant be unbiased. i'm still at a place where even though its over, i still feel protective of him and loyal to him. but in order to be the person i need to be, i have alot to figure out. its the unthinkable of leaving that kept me so long but the impossibility of staying that pushed me forward. when i think of what i want in my life and how much i am willing to give to get there, i have to be reassured. so many of my friends divorced or left long term relationships in law school. and almost all of them have an incredibly satisfying relationship now with someone new. while many may be on their second marriages in many respects, its their first family. there are many people who can look back and remember the place that i am in right now, knowing that i have no choice but to keep moving. it doesnt always feel like forward it just feels like movement.

More stuff I did

1. i worked more on the belt. 2. i started on three belt buckles. 3. i cut out the ribbon shirt and am now contemplating designs. 4. i got sick....initially, i thought maybe i felt shitty because wine upsets my ulcer but i've never gotten a running nose, sore throat and cold toes from wine...never....so i'm sick 5. i didnt get to go see my mommy at the hot springs because i dont want to get her sick. 6. I also worked some more on the beaded purse i am making. 7. i vaccumed. 8. i watched thunderheart....run, run to the stronghold thunderheart, the soldiers are coming... 9. i soaked in the tub with some really good oil that smells like hawaii 10. i'm going to fix the itunes on rose's shuffle so she will stop singing PYT and thriller....

sorry

as i finish or at least publish pieces they fall into the lineup by the date i started them on. so sometimes you might have to review.... secondly, i am deeply disturbed by wendys no longer having the buffalo chicken sandwich....i was in love with that thing....

20 Things i did today

1.i ate. 2. i baked 3. i wrote. 4. i started crocheting a belt. 5. i planned my next beading project. 6. i worked out hard at the gym for two hours. 7. i bought stuff for a ribbon shirt. 8. i talked to my daddy. 9. i missed jb immensley and then moved on. 10. i did some yoga. 11. i wrote some more. 12. i took rose to dance class. 13 i measured my blood pressure which was a pretty 129/72 14. i thought about what to say to you. 15. i slept in. 16. i drank some good white wine. 17. i ate a lot of broccoli 18. i heard from friends who are always there even though i keep to myself. 19. i lifted so many weights i hope i am sore. 20. i forgave...

No place for secrets

While it goes much deeper than this, i am a secret keeper. think of how many of your secrets i have held for you all these years. some i probably dont even remember anymore until you remind me. people choose me, in that instinctly way that we choose mates, because i am a secret keeper. some secrets have no real meaning, they aren't harmful or helpless. 10 years later does it matter that we had those 2 extra drinks that were our secret? at this very moment, does it matter that you cheated on your boyfriend, who was three boyfriends ago? no, but in my life, i have held secrets in me that werent my own but have closed me off from knowing things. secrets kept me quiet and smothered me.

secrets keepers have to internalize all that is outside and hold it in. look normal, act perfect. dont giggle. or cry.

as an attorney i took an oath to protect in confidence the discussions between my clients and me. the only time i can break that oath is if that person is in immediate danger of harming themselves or others. i get that. when i left i had 80 active cases. in real terms for me, i had 80 active secrets plus more because of the people they were with or hurt or told. and i was pretty fucking good at it, so good that it was killing me. i talked alot at work. i had to because they were the only people i could talk to. i had no marital privelge and thus no one to share specifics of my work with.

i'm like the bionic woman with secret compartments where i store information. but on the bionic woman doll, her powers were obvious. you knew she could kick your ass.

my powers are not so obvious. but dont underestimate me.

i learned from the best how to compartmentalize my life, i kept the secrets of my homelife secret from my work life. i kept the secrets of my spiritual life secret from everything. and i kept the secrets of my own agony from everybody. i have even kept the secrets of my joy to myself.

before i got here, i always thought secrets were a sign of loyalty. if i kept your secret, you could trust me, love me and you would never leave. but keeping your secrets didnt make you love me anymore, or trust me or in any way endear you to me. but they did keep me quiet. while some of you are gone, i still keep your secrets. the secrets that i know aren't immediately going to harm you. they are systematically going to change the course of your life. my life, her life, his life, their life in the future. theres lots of secrets about you that i know that you dont know i know. and i keep that too. because i thought i was protecting you, protecting us, making us stronger.

keeping someone's secrets is how i got here---to a high blood pressure pill, anxiety pills, antidepressants and a pill for my ulcer. my sleepless nights and tormented dreams. secrets are how i became a bulimic, why i smoked and drank and ate. secrets dont allow for boundaries or self-esteem or even self-protection. either you keep them or you dont.

i'm not talking to you specifically. i'm talking to the universe. because i have secrets of my own that nobody knows about, that i've never said to anyone "i'll tell you but you cant tell anybody," that only i know. they flash through my mind like that caution light by the school. slow down. remember me. dont tell.don't cry. suck it up and be strong.

and its time to give that up. i realized that i cry alot lately. its like mourning every moment of the past where i sucked it up and held strong for you, for your family, for my family, for anybody within a thousand mile radius. in my greatest moments of emotional and physical pain, i have blinked, taken a deep breath and got on with the business of taking care of everybody but myself.

when i was 16 i broke my leg in two places. while i was flying off the steps onto the ground, i made no noise. i didnt cry out or even cry. the only time i cried was when i was worried that i ruined everybody's christmas by inconveniently breaking my leg. secrets. i've gotten lost in what i believed was my loyalty for people. there are secrets i can no longer keep and wont. there are secrets i wont even let you tell me because i cant hear it. there are secrets i've kept even from myself that i have had to admit over and over again in the last two months. there are secrets that i have let go, not to someone else's ear but from my body. i learned early to take everything in and assume its mine, your problems are mine, my problems are mine, your inablity to love must be my fault, your craziness and shame is something i must fix. i took everything personally and to heart. thats what creates the secrets. secrets are like unfinished projects. today i finished one of those projects and put into the universe a secret i've held for a couple of years. its not mine to determine what happens now, it wasnt even mine to hold onto to protect someone who didnt need protecting. i can no longer be quiet. i can no longer be strong for everyone but myself. püéâstm lemlets

this is the song i listen to while climbing the M

He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme I know He's as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold And if I try to save him My whole world would cave in It just ain't right It just ain't right Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster His magic and myth As strong as what I believe A tragedy with More damage than a soul should see But do I try to change him So hard not to blame him Hold me tight Baby, hold me tight Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster I'm longing for love and the logical But he's only happy hysterical I'm searching for some kind of miracle Waited so long I've waited So long He's soft to the touch But frayed at the ends he breaks He's never enough And still he's more than I can take Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster He's beautiful Such a beautiful disaster

Since i've been working out everyday for two hours, i had to make a choice today...either do something different or rush back from missoula in order to make it to the gym. so i decided to try my luck at the M. I've hiked the m before but i'm always a little psyched out by it. people run by you going up it and going down. part of the workouts that i'm doing is to conquer the voice in my head...the one that says..i cannot do this...or this shit is soo hard right now...and its for occasions like these. if you had ever asked me if i could work out hard for 3 hrs a day. i would always tell you yes...i could but i never thought i could do it day after day after day....i can do anything once or even more if i can rest. but now the two hours i am doing at the gym (sometimes i do something extra like aerobics at home or yoga or a walk that i dont count toward my totals) fly by.

i know, having run in races, that the work that i do at the gym needs to be adjusted sometimes when outside, like the difference between running on pavement and running on the treadmill.

so i thought the M would be a perfect measure of my increased fitness. i wore the right shoes, i worn jeans and some layers, i brought my ipod...i took a walk before just to loosen up and then i was pumped up to get to the top....until i set foot on the first inch of dirt. from that minute, all i could hear were the voices that tell me, i cant do this, i'm not in shape enough, i'm not good enough yet, i'm going to die. so i put on my ipod. it doesnt really matter the speed of the song as long as it takes me out of my own head. the first part is always the hardest for me. three different times, i thought, i'm gonna turn around and go back down. nobody knows i'm here and nobody will know if i dont finish. but i will know....

words i cant explain.

each day i look for something to explain how i feel, someday the sign is there, some days i am left looking... "you will just have to remember it. will you remember it gogol?" "how long will i have to remember it?" "remember it always. remember that you and i made this journey and we went together to a place where there was nowhere left to go...." The Namesake

i'm starting to lose it

so i've realized that anymore, i cry alot. i cried yesterday for no reason in hastings. i cried watching my new addiction of CSI:Miami (which i blame on april) at the ending. i cried watching the biggest loser. MF. i cry reading this book eat pray love which you will hear more about later this afternoon. i cry when i hear the kid singing. when i'm happy, when i'm sad, whem i'm frustrated, when i hate you...

its all coming back to me now....

two years ago, the organization that i worked for offered to send me to the federal indian bar conference in abq. well anybody who knows me, knows i always have a good time at this conference. the deal was, the office would pay for registration and airtravel and i had to pay for everything else. the other hitch was i had to travel with the regional boss... we made it from missoula to salt lake...i should have known it would be a strange night by the number of people sitting in the boarding area looking pissed off. there wasnt that much snow but for some reason it threw every plane off....including the one that was supposed to take us to abq. and it was the only one going to abq that night.... my boss and i were in frenzy to work with the travel plans we had each made for our stay in abq--rental cars, hotels room, etc. after about an hour, we decided to go back down to our boarding gate just in case some small miracle happened that would get me to graham central station that night. in front of us was a very small man talking to the gate lady...i thought man he looks familiar and once he turned to look directly at me....it was the man of my 1970's dreams....DONNY OSMOND. i even took a picture on my phone because i knew nobody would believe me....he really is shorter in real like...ok back to our regularly scheduled program of doom and gloom....

News from the mat

so like i said, last weekend the kid had a tournament. its always a long day especially now that she's a higher belt...they go in order so the higher your belt....the longer you wait. she did her forms first and i was immediately nervous...not about her forms because she's really good at both single and doubles....i was nervous because usually the people you compete against in forms are the people you have to spar. from far away in the bleachers it looked like it was all men....she sparrs guys in her class but she gets really nervous about sparring strangers. when i got down on the floor, i realized that one of the "men" was an older woman with a short hair cut, but the other 2 were definitely guys...she took 2nd in single forms and 1st in double forms. but i could tell she was worried about having to spar guys....as i said before i'm not above bribery...and there are several incentives that she would appreciate..... background...i bought her an ipod for her birthday a year ago...i said, dont take it to school...she did and it got stolen...after much slave labor and alot of harrassing her, i got her another ipod for christmas....she did pretty well with it, until she went to the mall with her friends and left her purse somewhere...the purse had her ipod, her wallet and her camera in it. the purse, wallet and camera got turned back in...the ipod did not...so that was the end of her ipod life....last summer my sister in law gave me an ipod which i use for running. on rare occasions she gets to use it. she has an mp3 player my brother gave her that shes been using but one of the buttons broke. so i thought well i was going to get her a new player anyway it just wasnt going to be an ipod. the deal was this (of course when i thought she was sparring boys) for a 2nd place i would get her an mp3 player. for a 1st place, i would buy her an ipod shuffle... when we got to the floor for sparring, they had set her up with all girls..some younger but still all girls...mind you when she started at her first tournament 2 years ago (she was 12), she sparred a 16 yo who was 6ft tall and a grown woman. and they werent gentle with her. the first girl she sparred was 10. but about the same size as the kid. she didnt beat the crap out of her but she did win quickly on the seven point spread. the next girl she went against was shorter but also much faster. the kid was losing by about 6pts. if the other girl scored one more point she won. but the kid came back and through 2 more tough rounds, they ended up tied. in the event of tie, they go into sudden death...which made us all nervous...the other girl landed a solid kick on the kid and i thought it was over. but they didnt give her that point and with one tiny second of opening, the kid landed a hard kick to the middle....and it was over..... her first gold medal....and a new ipod shuffle...

famous sighting number 2 & 3

Ha ha, one of my best friends wrote on her blog about seeing nicole kidman when she worked at hastings...for some reason that reminded me of one other time i saw a famous person...btw, i used to work at hastings and BB used to be my manager....oh when all i had to do was restock movies... anyway once when the kid was about 2 we went to kmart...which is weird because since they got rid of the icee machine and the weird ham sandwiches upfront...theres no reason to go to kmart..but there we were at the back by the sporting goods and hunting stuff...there was this nice looking man standing at the counter with his 2 kids waiting for someone to help him air up his basketball...he looked at me and i smiled. why? because i'm from montana and when people look at you, you should say hello or smile or at least acknowledge that someone else is alive besides yourself...sheeesshhh...he smiled back and after about a very slow ten seconds...i realized it was huey lewis... #3 after i finished law school in 2002, i moved down to santa fe for a job...things were ok but i never really adjusted and santa fe really is a strange place to live. if it had been albuquerque, i might have stayed. anyway, i lived about 2 blocks from the plaza. it was a decent place except for the methhead who lived next door. just about every weekend there was some kind of festival going on at the plaza. i liked to take the kid there and walk around looking at things. i went into this coat shop that sold pendleton coats for an outrageous amount of money. my mom makes awesome coats 10 times nicer than those in that store. my mind starting churning about how i could market her stuff in santa fe...as i walked out of the shop, i almost ran into this man--spiky red hair, very skinny and about as tall as me. even though we tried to avoid colliding, it wasnt gonna hurt me if he ran into me because he weighed about 140...and had on a white frilly poet shirt and leather pants...who the hell wears leather pants and a poet shirt when its still hot as hell in santa fe....ron dunn does...from the famous country duo of brooks and dunn.... note to self--everyone is shorter than they appear on tv.... not my sighting but equally as good--my brother was in a yoga class with shaquille O'Neill..

In the news...

I never see famous people...really when i lived in dc i road the metro with c. everett koop once. but last year about this time, jb(who will always be called jb in here even if everyone know his name) and i went on a road trip. his idea. we drove to salt lake city, stayed the night there. he did some work at u of utah with the linguistics folks and i drove around until i found a whole foods. then we were off to vegas. i'd never been to vegas without the kid, so i had visions of being drunk from morning till night, playing games and just generally being wild. we stayed at mandalay bay. the room was perfect enough...no reason to even leave it. there was a flatpanel tv in the bathroom so i watched the godfather while taking a bath! we went to phantom of the opera and saw the bodies exhibit (which after you get over the fact that they are real bodies, is very cool.) we went to the wax museum and the venetian and all over the strip...and no there was no drunkenness...although i did have one of those big tower drinks... because i am a big tattoo fan i had to go to the palms so i could see the hart and huntington store. on the way in, in my cloud of bliss...i see this guy having an argument with a woman outside the palms...it looked very tense...i looked at jb and said "isnt that..." but he's no good at celebrities.....it was suge knight...you know president of death row records, just got out of the pen, has his beef with the east coast rappers..suge knight... in the news suge knight just got popped again for assault in vegas and for suing kanye west.... thats my famous person story....

To the whanau, arohanui

Nga Kapua Whakapipi E Tere Ake Nei Kamanawa (the small clouds that breakaway soon return to regroup as one)

Lost dreams

As a general rule, my dreams (the ones when i'm sleeping) are pretty tame. I'm that girl who dreams about folding laundry and stuff. But i can honestly say i havent slept well in at least a year. progressively my dreams have gotten weirder or stray from the laundry/house cleaning theme. So when i have dreams that are more involved or scary or whatever, i pay attention. I have had lots of intuitive dreams. Lately i've been having dreams about snakes. they are scary but its also interesting because there is always this one small bright lavender snake in each dream. some of these snakes are king kong size snakes, differenct colors and while i'm supposed to feel threatened, i'm not panicked. the same person is always in these dreams but i cant figure out the overall message. anyway this has been going on for about 3 weeks. if i feel the need to analyze my dreams its usually more about whats happening to the people in them than what i see. there are also only a few people that i have a strong intuitive connection to so when i have a dream about them i pay attention. the person in the snake dreams is one of those but it seems that the snakes are a the highlight and he is just a background figure. when i was working as a public defender, i would work cases in my sleep. i would feel half awake and i would be restless because of some case coming up or something i couldnt figure out. one night i remember working several cases in my sleep and i was excited about the results, only to hear my office manager say "do you want me to type those up?" when i heard her voice i remembered thinking "shit, these arent real cases, i just spent half of what little sleep i get working on imaginary cases." the anxiety would cause me to have breakthroughs though, like the time, i realized, in my sleep, that all of the witnesses to a case i had were tribal and wouldnt have to answer the subpoenas issued to them. i remember shortly after getting my license to practice i had a dream about missing my contracts exam. contracts is a law school class taken first semester of your first year. when i initially started practicing, i asked my dad when the anxiety dreams go away...he said, "they go away?!?" which since he's been in practice over 30 years wasnt all that comforting. i've dreamt about dead people, live people, people i dont know but met later and everything in between. i once was at a writers retreat and this ghost kept coming to me in a dream. i always said he looked like the indian elvis. i asked him what he wanted so that he would leave me alone. he told me. i said if i make that offering tomorrow, you have to leave me alone. i did and so did he. i dont write dreams down, lots of times i still remember them. i had a dream about sharks when i was five and i still remember that dream clearly. a dream i had when my grandfather died, i still remember...so theres lots of stuff trapped in my mind. but i've never had dreams like these. a few nights after i started this blog, i had a dream about all the topics i should write about. it was hazy and now all i can remember is that i'm supposed to write something about lemon-lime. all of the other ideas were really good but the lemon-lime thing is all i can recall now. really, thats all i remember...there will be some topic about lemon-lime. because of the snake miniseries i seem to be having, i decided to start writing down the main elements of my dreams when i remember them in a little book. the first night of the snake dreams, i woke up and wanted to remember but wasnt fully awake. i grabbed a pen and scribbled 6 words on a magazine next to my bed. i would have forgotten that this was a miniseries if i hadn't moved that magazine the other day and saw those words. maybe the conclusion to the miniseries is coming...maybe a lavender snake is in my future....

its not all gloom and doom.....

its a beautiful sunny day in mission, montana. the leaves have fallen off my trees and suppose i should pick them or bury the dog in them.... tomorrow the kid has a tournament in kalispell. for those of you who dont know, shes a high green belt in tae kwon do. whats left for her are the 2 degrees of the blue belt, the red belt then the black....thats pretty crazy to think my kid will become a black belt....anyway in her tournaments, she does forms and then sparring. shes come a long way in the two years since she started competing...i've had to tell her theres no crying in tae kwon do...sparring is against her general sweet natured sensibilities...shes not hot tempered and shes not mean so we've tried to figure out how to motivate her to get in there and really spar...several tournaments ago she got kicked in the shin so hard that she had a huge bruise for several weeks, shes got kicked in the elbow and the face...you cant tell her really go after the other girl (like a bad scene from karate kid) because she wont, you have to tell her to protect herself or she'll get all those bruises again especially now that she has braces. there've been a couple of times where she finally got pissed off because she was landing kicks and not getting points. at that moment i knew she was my kid....because being pissed off forced her to land them harder and faster. motivation comes in many forms...as long as she competes, i take her on little shopping trip after...i'm not above bribery...not to win but to get in the game and try. even if shes afraid or cranky or whatever. i let her pick when she started competing but now i dont let her stop. there are crazy parents there, like there are in every sport. yelling at their kids, making them cry...i hope those folks save up for therapy because thats gonna take some undoing...theres a couple of parents i'd like to spar.... so tomorrow we're off to the land of tae kwon do and then to our second favorite place, Borders!! and possibly IHOP..oh the wonders of the big city...

i've got to get up to speed

when i went to fill in the about me section on this hummer..it has a handlebar you can pull down for a listing of countries...i have NO IDEA where some of those countries are....i feel like the globe has turned into a prince stage show...first there was prince rogers nelson, then there was prince, then there was the artist formerly known as prince and now well, i think he's back to prince....so many countries have gone back to the name they called themselves which i think it great. i think of myself as a fairly intelligent person but even i'm not up to speed on all these name changes....i think we should get the maps to say formerly known as...for a least a certain amount of time...so people can know....i think i'll talk to obama's transition team and maybe santa about this one....

Not that I'm ready...

but i've been trying to figure out how to meet people/guys, etc.? seriously, where i live i have certain barriers....1. most of these men are my cousins, 2. the ones who arent related to me, are related to jb which really for me, as a matter of principle, exs them out(no real pun intended)., those who dont fall into either of those categories are married, gay, or crazy with 12 kids and 6 ex wives....i thought the gym might be someplace to check out the scene only to discover the only scene there is for 14 year olds....the bars around here or in the valley for that matter arent men-with-potential magnets. i looked around on a few of the internet dating sights and well, i saw a couple of my clients i had been looking for the last few months i was at work....so that makes that a little awkward....i've thought about asking friends to scope out people for me or think about setting me up with people but then i know that i'm uncomfortable doing that for other people. i even looked in the ads in the independent...and for once there were like 5 indian men with ads in there....but i'm not sure how i would feel about responding....i wish that there was a man-fairy pillow..when i was young, i had a tooth fairy pillow. when my tooth fell out, i would put my tooth in that pillow and the tooth fairy would leave me a dollar. i never cared what the tooth fairy did with that tooth as long as i was getting a new tooth and a dollar....maybe i'll make a man fairy pillow so the man fairy can put a new one in my pillow....hmmmmm....

weathering the storm

i've been thinking about how i got here....not the big prolific "how i got here" but the realistic how i got to this moment question. i have been wanting to write because things are very hard right now. and they have been...and maybe they will continue to be. i've given up all of my vices--no drinking(because i drunk dial), no smoking(because if do i will have a stroke), no emotional eating(because i'm trying to lose weight and improve my health), no denial(because thats how i fucking got here)--so really all i have left is exercise and the thoughts that run through my head. so in trying to find something to comfort me, i need to go back to the only thing that soothes me immediately which is writing. its been two months since all of this change started. 2 months since i ended a nine year relationship. one month since my job came to an end. i felt instant relief when my job was over. i felt calmer and relieved. i still dont feel like that about the relationship. i think i expected to feel ok about it. but i guess that will come with time...and that time isnt right now. its been two months since i started working out 2 hours a day at the gym. i never thought 2 hours would just whip by or that on any given day i can do 7-10 miles of anything. while the weight loss is slow, the exercise makes me feel immediately better. the only day i take off is saturday. at first i had all sorts of motivation but now its become a habit that i dont let myself out of... the weather is changing into winter. the time off--my seclusion has been great. i cant complain at all about it and i'm glad that i have the resources for now to do this. i'm trying to make changes to everything, my home, my body, my thought process and its all going slow. i'm starting to look to the future--not ten years from now but at least next month and onto the spring..because it allows me to set goals and look forward to them.... maybe i'm on my way to becoming a monk...because god knows a convent wouldnt take me...

i dont even know where this was published for that girl to post on myspace?

Battlecries Indians got crazy love loving furious loving hard like preparing for battle promising never to lose we fall in love looking for alliance like tribes that want to war together I want to war with you us two the strongest confederacy.

stuff to know

i like to eat things out of bowls--i dont like plates...except i eat ice cream out of coffee cups my gramma used to open up the whole ice cream box and cut it with a big knife last summer, i won 1/2 a beef and a freezer. i never win anything i dont look like either of my brothers my favorite color right now is pink i heard where the streets have no name today in the car and i was immediately back in 10th grade on the bus for a speech meet. i varsity lettered in speech i sewed my first dress when i was 7. i hate skiing i was once published in a literary magazine. the topic was love and erotica. i think my mom thinks i write porn. i actually wrote about love... i dont like pencils. i feel kind of nauseated when i write with them...like car sickness only with pencils i dont like burritos--i open the whole damn thing up and put it in a bowl... my hair is over half grey i dont have hair on my legs..not by choice..by genetics....

i want some answers....

things i want to know: my horoscope says it THE perfect time to find my soulmate...where am i supposed to look? my horoscope should provide some GPS. what is bia sniffing for when shes looking for the perfect place to poop? is there secret signal? when did mtv turn to shit? do women who are pregnant with multiples ever get claustrophobic? how come when i'm crossing the street on the crosswalk and somebody almost runs over me, they act like i'm the dumbass? after completing a bachelors, masters and doctorate,why do people still want my goddamn transcripts for job applications? i mean that semester i fucked up in undergrad was 14 YEARS AGO? what happens if i actually blurt out all the things i think in my head? when is this master zit ever going away? theres more, i'll come back.

the beginning

While i'm busy trying to reconfigure my life, i was thinking about all of the blogs i used to read. there was a great blog from a girl in arizona, written while doing her masters. it was about life, relationships, breaking up, moving on and all the other voices of life that people forget to share. i am still bummed she doesnt write it anymore. but sometimes these things are for moments and the need for them runs its course. she used to use only use initials and once dated a guy she called pb. some days i would think, "i should check the blog to see whats up with her and peanut butter." as i recall, my brother met her in phoenix and told her i called pb peanut butter. i like to read blogs for the same reason i read people magazine. i'm nosey and interested. i'm looking for the familiar and the outrageous. i found someone on myspace who posted one of my poems in her blog. i dont know her but i had forgotten that i was once a poet and that that piece got published. it was something i loved. i have scraps of paper from 20 years of writing. sometimes when i looked at each scrap or napkin or whatever, i can remember where i was when it came to me, what my life felt like in that moment and who each piece is about. i can tell you in the last few years i've written probably less than 10 pieces. all still first drafts. in that time, i somehow stopped saying what was in me. its not that i didnt have a voice, but that i chose, for many reasons, to ignore it. last weekend i took the kid to a photo show of a local news photographer i know. she loves photography and i wanted her to see what it can do, the stories photos can tell and how it used to be something i loved. while there, i ran into the former dean of the j-school and my old ap style prof who must be a cujillion years old. that dean is the reason i came to missoula. he wrote me a personal letter, giving me all the reasons that UM's j-school would be the best fit for me as a young native writer. i still have that letter. he didnt have to, but charlie always took the time with us...when he left the j-school so did i. i realized how much i miss telling the story. i was once an aspiring journalist. its hard to convince my daughter that i was a good writer and a decent photographer when theres not much current to show her. i dont even think i've shown her the old stuff. so here i am. to talk about whatever i want to talk about. i'm not trying to find a new voice, i am just transfusing my thoughts past the wall of quiet into the same body again. like dialysis. clearing out the bad and freshening up the good and putting it back in where it belongs...