Thursday, April 16, 2009

its over

i can tell you today that its over.... it isnt always easy to get to a place where you know its over. it seems to weave its way through things until one day, something makes you stop and realize that things keep moving and life has and will go on. i saw him a few days ago. actually i saw his car. i still have the instinct that alerts me to his presence. maybe it will go away maybe it wont. but its less and less unsettling. i had been in a court hearing all morning. it was only supposed to go for maybe 45 minutes.....four hours later. i was late for lunch with a friend. i pulled into a parking spot and there it was. and for a brief moment, i felt my plans derail. i had planned to go my favorite coffee shop which is also his favorite coffee shop and work after i finished the hearing. then go do my training workout. but seeing his car, i knew he was already there. now its not that i couldnt go in there when he was there too....i could, then he would probably leave. but i just dont feel like putting myself in that position. later while at lunch i saw him come out of there and walk across the street. like a stranger....someone who's life i no longer knew. i can only tell you about his past, our past and speculate on the present, the future. its difficult to tell people that i loved him from the very first moment i really talked to him.that was 11 years ago. it took nothing but that immediate connection. i always felt like he was a part of me, but i never felt like i was a part of him. it has taken me months and months to put aside any love i have for him and move forward. its not that i dont love him still...its that i cant give any of that to him....and i wont. he is becoming a stranger. somebody asked me if i could would i do it all over it again. and i told them sadly but honestly, no. i wouldnt. he was my best friend in that he knew all of the most vulnerable parts of my being and i knew his. but he was my worst enemy in using those to his advantage. we became strangers even before it was finished. i couldnt be myself and he couldnt be himself. i wouldnt do it over. but any question like that is all in theory and here i am now, 11 years later, moving on. i still have dreams about him but everything is with less frequency. my sad feelings, the happy feelings. the reminiscing. i know that i have done the only thing i can do which is to let time pass. to better myself and to keep going. hoping for greatness, but being satisfied just to wake up in the morning....

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