Saturday, April 11, 2009
i went out last night with a bunch of my friends. i had one social appearance to make and then moved onto some random bar i've never been to..... and it was a great time, lots of fun, lots of laughs, a jukebox, some pool, the only gay man in the whole bar immediately zeroing in on me (its a gift).... and this morning in thinking about the evening, it all seemed different. for the first time in a really long time, and i do mean, realllllyyyy long, i didnt think about him, i didnt feel like something was missing. i didnt wonder what he was doing or reminisce about places we had been or songs we played on the jukebox.... and its a relief. it was just me, having fun.... now when i think about it for a moment, that kind of letting go makes me sad. but in the moment of it, it allows me to be present, to be fully aware, to have a good time without guilt or wonder. and thats whats a relief. so much of my time was spent trying to accommodate someone who didnt really want to be accommodated nor did he want to accommodate me. to find the balance of selfless and selfish gives me a huge release....an opportunity for things to just be about me. maybe people dont think that, but rarely is my life ever about me. even when it should be, i've changed the course to make it about other people. i had a baby young. i had a career and education. then i had a relationship and all of those things came before me. i cant think of a time when i've gone out and its just been about me...not worrying about other people or who was where and with whom. if everything was alright....my choices in life reflect that...my work, the person i chose to have a relationship with, my volunteerism, etc. its all very apparent. so last night was a good lesson. people say once you've experienced something it makes repeating it easier and easier. my work is to make things about me and allow them to be...in my head.