Thursday, May 7, 2009

granting me....

there are lots of rumors and stories that pass through peoples live everyday. sometimes those happen to be the truth...sometimes they are the truth as other people perceive it. last night i heard somethings that for now are rumors but may end up being the truth. and it honestly devastated me. i had bad dreams, didnt sleep very well and felt crazy when i woke up this morning...i've felt like that before....when we'd fight or threaten to break up, waiting for somebody who never showed up....finding out the truth was really lies....i couldnt put it out of my mind. even during my run... i was lucky enough to have something else to focus on for a few hours...a softball game...and when i was done and someone asked me the question regarding how i felt about the rumor....i felt ok...truth or not....its not my problem anymore. theres nothing i can do to change the past. nothing i can do to take back the decade...i'm where i'm at now...and i can only move forward not lateral and not back... i feel alot of responsibility in my life...i always have...for people, for things, for culture and history. and i dont think theres anything i can do to stop that feeling. but at some point i have to be able to walk away from responsibilities that arent mine and that in the long run or even the immediate, hurt me and who i'm trying to be. those rumors and truth can do that....if i let them. when you work recovery programs, you learn the serenity prayer early on. the lesson i'm learning right now is that i've taken all my courage to change the things i can....when really those things were unchangeable and i didnt want to see them or accept them. and i'm glad to finally know the difference.

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