Thursday, June 25, 2009

i dont know

people know what they want. sometimes they dont know what to do with it when they get it. they are so used to only receiving part or none of what they ask for that they will take whatever they can get. in relationships, i want a cup. i have sometimes received 1/2 a cup, sometimes received a teaspoon. i didnt reject what was given to me but i certainly wanted more. its difficult to convince people that they deserve more. just by telling me that i deserve everything i'm asking for in my cup doesnt make me believe it or even allow it. someone asked me what i would do if i got everything i asked for. the honest answer is i dont know. i've never gotten the whole cup. i probably wouldnt know what to do and could possibly even reject what it was that i thought i wanted. i think its like weightloss...people dream about the body that they think they they work toward that fullcup....but in the end that may not be exactly what they get or it may not be as satisfying as they thought it would be. they are used to the little bit they get being satisfying enough.... right now i'm trying to decide what it is i want in my life and not in my life and the full cup question is very real and almost frightening. i know in theory what i have always said i wanted. but the truth is i dont know how to get there on my own. and i feel like if i cant get there on my own, how can i possibly get there with someone else...i think knowing what i truly want and not just how to get there but actually getting there might help me draw the type person who can go with me.... i often wonder how people find mates who truly want the same things they do. i am also often jealous. many of my friends who never really wanted to be married or even cared about those types of things have very full filling marriages, children...all the things i wanted. it feels, often, as if somehow i have failed in this aspect of my life and i dont like it. but i am at a loss in how to change things so i dont repeat the same types of relationships i have had in the past. i know, and you know, that it takes two. i know what i need to work on and do in my own personal self in order to proceed how i want to. counseling, self study...whatever i can do...but i sometimes feel like even though i have changed i still find myself in the same types of relationships with the same types of people. its difficult to classify someone as a type but i see some very identifiable traits that have become more and more familiar to me....and maybe thats it...i see the familiar....the question is...i do i see what i'm looking for...not whats looking at me....

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