Friday, June 26, 2009


i knew that i would get caught up it...even when it old myself i wouldnt. i would worry. i would wait...i would wish. i would hope...and worst of all i thought things might just be. in my line of work...there are moments when you have to give the come-to-jesus talk to your was one of those days. and i know all the things to say...tough love or not...good cop bad cop...all of it...but as i was saying these things to her...i you better do that in your own life...or shut up... what i was talking about was the moment you start talking yourself into something...that usually includes talking yourself out of something...and in most cases that means negating the things that i have determined to be needs or wants in exchange for companionship and the love of another person. this girl essentially gave up her freedom, her opportunity because she had convinced herself, that dumbing down her needs would keep the man she loved and somehow save them both. last night i had dinner with a friend who relayed a similar story. in a relationship, just to not rock the boat, she would start talking herself into saying ...well, i can live with it this way...the way i wanted it isnt that important...which then translates into I WILL SETTLE....i will let someone elses needs and wants come before my own because my want or need for that person is going to trump my own. i've said it before...i dont know how to ask for what i need and i sure in the hell dont know what i would do if those needs actually were met by another person when i asked. but i'm tired of talking myself out of those things in order to make other people happy. i'm not talking small scale i really care if we eat mexican when i kind of wanted thai? no...thats not a make or break moment....its the big things...the deal breakers that i have talked myself out of and into...and i dont think i can anymore... this is a hard lesson. maybe one of the hardest so far. and i'm not sure how to proceed. i believe in self help books. i've read and done the exercises in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix numerous times over my life. I'm now onto his next book which is called Keeping the Love You Find. Its challenging in new and different ways. So much so that its been difficult to answer some of the questions...not just because i dont want to...but also because i dont know what the true answer is convincing myself that what i needed wasnt that important..ive lost sight of what i truly want and i'm now having to re-evaluate that with honesty and clarity. for some reason...its not been any fun....

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