Well, shit...

here i am back, again. I miss blogging. I like to write. I havent in quite awhile unless its for work.

theres lots of changes as usual and somethings that never seem to change.

i have a commitment. i need to get back some of my healthier self. my weight is up. my running, down and my body is starting to really feel it. its an endless cycle of my body hurting so i dont want to work out and my body hurting because i dont work out.
 i have my fourth 1/2 marathon in 2 months. i am not expecting a PR. just want to cross the finish line. my bigger goal is a healthier self by november. when i will get on an airplane to see the kid in new zealand. the idea of being this heavy and uncomfortable in my own body scares me to travel that far.

so, here i am. im back. more updates. more workouts, making it happen.

Aint that the truth!

Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are.

Pema Chodron 

 

HERE I AM, BABY!!!!

I'm back! and ready to blog.
its a new life in a new place. at least for the minute.
i'm getting a graduate degree to my law degree so i can be undeniable(that means theres no reason you can say no when its time to hire me.)
since September 14, i've walked 200 miles.
because i needed to.
i'm almost ready to run.
i've lost some weight but i dont have a scale here. 
my baby girl is off on her own adventures.
my partner in crime and i are working through.
sunshine helps.
i have lots to say now.
my quiet time is over.
so lets get ready to rumble....

i've been away

i wish i could tell you that its because i have been happily living life.
but the reality is, that i've been struggling.
not just in all the external ways, that one can struggle.
i think harder yet, is the internal struggle, the voice inside and the loneliness it can carry.

i have not written here in almost three months.  i think about my voice, this blog, every single day. sometimes i wish that i could just sing to it and it would transcribe. but it cant. and i havent the heart sometimes to release to you, what i hear in my own voice. what i feel i my own heart.

i am a lucky girl. i experience greatness everyday. i have incredible parents, a wonderful daughter, a solid partner and phenomenal people i call brothers and family and yet, i still feel overwhelmed.

sad. incomplete. failure.

it could be a million things...not enough wellbutrin...not enough sun...very few endorphins...but i'm not going to sit here and pretend to be happy when i dont feel it. i have come realize that gratitude and happiness are two different beasts.  i have also realized that sometimes "fake it til you make it" well, just doesnt fucking cut it.

i have moments, dreams and illustrations of what i expected my life to be...and it aint that. dont get me wrong, i lived a pretty charmed life, dont think that i dont see it. but you know what, people can lived pretty charmed lives and still feel regret, remorse, tragedy and beyond.


not just momentarily, but daily...momentously, overwhelmlying...and if that bothers then too fucking bad because honestly its the fastest way to feeling satisfied again...happy fulfilled.

i've been having crazy dreams. of people who are dead and people who have long since left my life (yes that probably means you) and in it i feel like i finally deal with the sadness. i put things not just to bed, but to rest...for a long while...

i have tell you that without leaning on the elegant crutch of astrology...i am the cancer of all cancers...

i'm working my way back to you and back to being whole. spring is coming and we'll keep in touch....

It Begins

OMG I did something I never thought I would do! I fired a client today! the reasons are long and boring (besides being confidential). but i have to say two things:
1. i knew from the beginning I shouldnt have taken this case
2. i'm glad i got out when i did.
i have to say that generally, i'm smarter than this. more savvy than the average bear. but i let my emotions get in the way of my common sense.
after writing my last blog i resolved to evaluate my life as it is. and this particular client fell into that evaluation. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you fail that benefit, you will never get it again. Unless of course you are one turtle. But thats a different story.

so in evaluating my life, i dont look for the easiest cases. i look for client's whose ideologies are similar to mine. i took a case knowing that this was not it. for many reasons, i cant even tell you. but know this,i wont make this mistake again.
nor will i let my lapse in judgment deter me from knowing i am a good lawyer. that i have earned my stripes and i have earned my reputation.
cleaning house is full of the purest joy and the strongest anxiety. its like breaking up when you do the breaking up....you feel scared but also free....
my business success is of my own making. i will not doubt. i will not second guess. even after this one mistake. she will say what shes wants about me. but in the end i know, i made the right decision for both of us.

Shows over

We work on ourselves, in order to help others, but we also help others, in order to work on ourselves. Pema Chandron
I'm better now that we are done making our trail. I feel honest and available and less afraid to choose things for myself.
Somehow, somewhere  I came to  believe that selflessness was the greatest virtue. To give to everyone and ask for nothing in return--not even gratitude. That the lack of gratitude somehow meant I needed to work harder, give more, please everyone.
 
I had a discussion with JB the other night. He said why do you give so much to people, especially people who take advantage of you? The answer used to be that I wanted to give for the goodness of giving, I believed that people would bring back that goodness to me, when I needed it or when my family needed it. 

I tell my cousin/sister all the time how much I enjoy being with her, specifically for two reasons 1. she always asks me how i'm doing and really wants to know the answer. and 2. she doesnt call me only when she needs something.

Growing up, I saw how much my parents gave to people and how often people took advantage of them. Even their own relatives only come to them when they need something. Dont ever call just to see how they are. And I hate it. It was one of the reasons I learned to distinguish relatives from family. I tell people I have a lot of relatives but I have a very small family.

So i'm going to be honest with myself and with people around me. I need to work on myself. I'm going to be selfish and that may be one of my most difficult tasks. So I'm setting my boundaries. Dont ask me to help you with advice or money or anything else, if when you think about it, the only time you call me is when you need something.
There are people who might not consider themselves part of this but who do only call for advice or to get the answer to a question. But fail to even say "hey how are you?" Its those people, I'm cutting out. Not necessary stopping my relationships completely with them but limiting what I can give and when.

I know who my friends are. I know who I can call on when I need help, support, encouragement or talk about the weather. And I know who isnt there.  For years, JB has been telling me to say "No!" when people call asking for things. But I rarely ever let myself say no. After this year, I realize that now is the time. I want to spend my time giving to those who give back. To support those people who are truly my family and my friends. To work on myself in order to give better...but with boundaries.

I want to learn the delicate balance between selfishness and selflessness...

Crybaby

Christmas is over! Thank God! (some puns intended) I hate Christmas. I have always hated Christmas. But when I had Rose, I chose to try to bring to her what I never felt the holidays brought to me or I to them...joy, peace, fulfillment.

And honestly, a holiday, a day cant do all that without some effort.

for most of my adult life, christmas was just a barrier i had to get through to get to what was really important to me...which is the ceremony that people partake of in the winter to start their new year.

to pray for every minute....of every day for the next 3 seasons...until its time to pray again.

i know that often we forget how precious our moments are...but i am reminded each day that rose will soon leave to college. every holiday, every late night chat, every chance to be her mom in all the ways that are important causes me to be teary and thankful and afraid and her shelter.

my daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman. its hard for me to acknowledge that she is so grownup...that its possible for her opinions to be different from mine, for her to be a mediator and a peacemaker without even knowing the impact of her words.

i remember being pregnant with her. i was 20 and had ended a relationship that would bring no joy to the life of a child. i remember the distress of telling my parents that their baby daughter was going to be a mother. and i remember everyday to this day, my own mother's words...a baby can only bring joy if you let it. 

(and dont tell my mom) i followed her advice...and while things weren't ideal, i let her bring joy into this world. and on any given day, you can find her doing the same. sometimes, she breaks out into dance in the grocery store, or she sings silly songs, or she laughs at her dog in the same baby laugh that she was born with.

and when i see her with my parents, i pray that they are here on this earth to see her achieve every dream she has. the bond between them cannot be lost emphasizing the brevity of life.

shes in the paper last week for personally taking on something important to her and doing some thing to help. her christmas fundraiser for the animal shelter was just something she wanted to do. i remember when she mentioned it, think uh...this is going to be a pain in the ass.but the more determined she became, the more ashamed i was of my non-supportive thoughts. i have externally supported her through things that my internal voice said no to.  and her drive was a great success.

today when i read the article, she said mom dont cry....behind every tear...is every minute since the day she was born...that I have been scared for her and proud of her. parenting isnt rocket science. it is the desire to give your child something better than what you had, by exploring their world, the people in it and their own dreams. and by challenging yourself to do the same...

Manifest

I am Apsaalooke.
I am Selis.
I am Anishinabe.
They are all different but the same in that each one, has time during which people focus their prayers for the coming year.

I wait all winter for this night. Every holiday is just one moment closer to me making changes, making offerings, want to share my prayers for you and with you.

I am committed, without fail, to this moment.
There are songs that can only be heard at this time of year. A few nights ago, they were in my sleep with me. Letting me know, that they were here now.



In the dark, waiting for our wishes, our sorrows, our worries and our dreams.


That it is time to smudge away what is left of this year and to kick my dirt, my earth, my ancestors forward, not back.

There is  a lot of good to reflect on and to propel those wishes forward. There is much sorrow that sits with me and I want to leave it behind.

To see the good in you,
to see the good in me.
To build my people
All people.

My family reminds me through this process--not to just ask things to be taken away, but to also ask for what I want to replace them.

health, family, wellness, strength, security, prosperity,joy, peace and forgiveness.

say your wants, your needs, your wishes, your prayers and your deeds.

your universe is listening.

Loves Recovery

As a writer, I know that my challenge is to say something in a new way. But as a reader, I know that sometimes, I don't have to accept that challenge. I can join those who have said it in a way that represents me and satisfies what I am trying to say.  

 I'm fortunate that during times that I feel are trying, someone unexpected pops up to comfort me along with those who i know are always there for me. . my friend lee can sit across the table and bead. i am comforted just to know he is there. plus he has the most incredible cd selection of just about anybody i know. last weekend he let me rip a ton of his cds. it brought back all of these memories that can transport me 20 years back.  

 The indigo girls remind me of my first year of college... a sense of freedom, i squandered without realizing it.  this songs holds me there even just for a few minutes. but is exactly what i need to say now...

Love's Recovery

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

Promises to myself

Alot has happened since my last blog. And a lot hasnt happened.

I often wonder if I am the only person who feels like I can have a perfectly normal day, perform all of my duties and still inside, be so unsatisfied...still feel so tormented, that i dont know how to solve my own inner angst.

And i know like, most people...if i dont address my angst, then everything else suffers.

After all, isnt it for me to solve?

i've contemplated deleting this blog and then i've decide to renew it...because at the time i started it, my life felt ridiculously close to how it feels now. i'm easily overwhelmed, i have alot of anxiety and i'm not taking care of my own self. the hardest part for me now is that i know the difference. i know what its like to feel strong mentally, emotionally and physically...and yet i feel incapable of making some of that happen.

i'm back because i need this blog to transfuse me...again...

Giving In

Over the past few weeks, I have thought about giving up training for the Missoula 1/2 marathon. My health sucks, my training has suffered and I have a million excuses.

A few days ago, I went to the gym with the goal of running 3 miles. Everything started out fine, it takes me the first mile to open my lungs, clean my mind and find my stride.

When I run, I think about a million things. It has been a trained skill to clear my mind and only think about my stride or my breathing.

This time, I was thinking about Jake. We went to Jake's graduation. While he didn't receive any scholarships, he received something bigger. Each year his school gives one graduating senior a special award. That award is to acknowledge someone who has overcome great adversity to be sitting there among the graduating seniors. As they were discussing the award, I said a little prayer that Jake would get that award. That someone would see in him, his conquering spirit. When his name was announced, Rose and I jumped up, hooting and hollering like crazy women. They didn't tell his story but he was so proud to walk up to the podium and accept this award.

Like a proud mother, I cried when thinking that his walk to accept that award and then his diploma is much longer than a few short strides. And I'm sure along the way, he wanted to give up, to feel alone, to make excuses as to why he could not succeed--why he wouldn't finish.

Some days I truly get sick and tired of people who cannot pursue life because they dont understand it or because its not perfect. Sometimes, life and its perfection is as simple as waking up in the morning....smelling the air...a hot cup of coffee and an egg sandwich...

Jake knows that life is good when he has a warm bed...a home without drugs...food to eat...and people who care about him...its not perfect and in someways, it isnt always his...but he made the most of it in order to get to that podium...to receive his diploma...and to pursue living a life that on the outside looks unglamorous but from where he stands is better than what could have been...

I ran on that treadmill for another mile, crying the whole time...because life really is that simple...not giving up means actively pursuing...and its not always glamorous nor is it perfect...buts it always better than what could have been...

so i'm not giving up..because to give up on this simple act would mean to give up on my commitment...to myself and to the celebration of jake's hard work...

it might not be perfect, it might not be what i want it to be but at the end i know that i accomplished something...

and that a young man who raised himself in the foster care system showed me how...

Part of my comittment includes raising money for Youth Homes, Inc. If every friend on FB or outside of FB would pledge even ONE DOLLAR...i could reach and possibly surpass my goal...

ONE DOLLAR can change the destiny of kids like Jake...

http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk

We Are The World 25 For Haiti - Official Video

we are the children....

i've been a little slack about posting about the reason i'm running the 1/2 marathon. Youth Homes provides shelter,however temporary or permanent, to children in need. i did not grow up in the perfect home...and my parents will be the first ones to admit this...but i grew up and still have both parents, married and available to meet my needs. at 36... i am a single parent. i know how hard it can be to raise a child alone. many times, over the past 15 years, i have cried alone in the night, trying to release the frustration and anger or anxiety and fretfulness that such a huge responsibility can lay on a person... but i never thought, until lately what a responsibility it can lay on a child... until i met jake. jake is a friend of my daughter's. he lives in one of the Youth Homes. i cant tell you how i met him without identifying him. but everyone who knows jake, knows that he lives in foster care. i saw him last summer.he was talking to my auntie. i asked her his story. his mom is a drug addict and his dad was never around. if you ask jake, he will be the first person to tell you that being removed from his mother's care, gave him a chance. he is a grown-up in a young man's body. he wants and needs the same love and care that my child needs, yet he has been left to make adult decisions. i heard him talk about what he will do when he turns 18, the official age to "age-out" of foster care.... he decided to stay in the group home he lives in until graduation. if he does not, he will not have assistance to find a place to live or health insurance if he needs it.... when i was jake's age, i didnt worry about health insurance, i worried about what i was going to wear tomorrow.... hes a great kid...involved in sports and music and whatever else he can find to fill his life with a little bit of joy. and as i run, i think about him. i think about all the kids i know and the people that i love who have been in that system for good or for bad... jake loves my daughter. and we love him. he will graduate in june and then truly be on his own....he wants to make it on his own. i want to, like every mother, even though i am not his, catch him when he falls.... each step i take is a wish for him...a prayer for his life...that it can be better than what it has been. one of my daughter's favorite songs is "we are the world". "we are the one's to make a brighter day, so lets start giving..." as i write this, i am trying to figure out how to make more of an immediate impact on jake's life than just wishes and prayers...he has changed my life and opened my heart.... "there's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives, its true we make a better day...just you and me.."

Bloomsday means blossoming....

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is not what we want to, but what we should do. Jb, Rose and I completed Bloomsday on Sunday. I was not trained to run bloomsday in any way shape or form. My illness, as undiagnosed as it is, is also unrelenting sometimes. I'm tired, run down and in pain. Sometimes one part of me will feel better, only to have another feel worse. So I ran the first 2 miles. ooooooohhhhh how i loved it, i had my rhythm going, my ipod blaring and I was feeling it. Mentally, I was totally prepared. I was reaching for a new challenge and I thought that challenge was to run with a partner. I love to run by myself. I HATE to run with other people and I mean other people running beside me, wanting to keep up with me and chat... when i run by myself there is no one to compare me to but me...when somebody else runs with me as a running partner...truly, i think good god this is going to kill me...because i compare your better form, the fact that you can talk and run so effortlessly at the same time...that your nose doesnt seem to be running all over... I have great difficulty being alone and running was a great lesson in learning to be ok with that. It liberated me to take care of myself alone. the beginning of mile 3 is the first hill. its a little steep and feels better to walk than run. so i briskly cruised to the top...i started to run again....and then another hill. my running partner said his knee felt a bit creaky.... why can i make adjustments for other people's injuries but not my own? so we walked and agreed to walk the next 2 miles. it was relaxing and releasing. somehow making the adjustment for his injury also release me to make an adjustment for mine about a mile later. i walked and kept walking and wondered to myself when did walking 7.5 miles become not good enough? we had agreed to try to trot in for the last 2 miles. i started and i stopped. started and stopped. knowing that my time was already longer than last years i let go of expectations and complaints against myself. i could feel my knee starting to ache and i thought about what jb and rose had both asked me to do before the race...listen to my body and not hurt myself so that tomorrow i would feel worse. i cant ask my daughter to be responsible if i am not. she's in track and rather than win every event her coach asks them only to achieve pr's---personal records. coming to bloomsday, i wanted to achieve a new pr--to be faster than i was last year. last year my pr was to run the entire race. i walk and ran the last 2 miles until i could see the finish line. then i ran in across that line knowing that having conquered other ghosts in my mind was a greater victory than if i had won....a true personal record... and by the way i didnt win...

A Million Excuses

I have them but none of them are that good....my training has halted! mainly because I'm sick. and well, I've ignored it for a bit per usual. so yesterday i went to the doctor. its pretty much the infection i had in September from passing kidney stones. only, as far as i can tell, i haven't passed any kidney stones. soooooo onto antibiotics and other pills that sounds severe but are probably pretty necessary. i've been like many other people who lose weight or train hard. i have become sloppy. yesterday as i sat in the doctors waiting room, i saw my friend who had just done the PF Chang in Tempe. I asked her if she was training for anything else. She said no thats it been hard to get motivated to train for another race after completing the other because she knows now she can do it... maybe i feel a little bit that way...i've got to change my mindset because even i'm getting tired of my own excuses. i'm walking today and letting the meds kick in before i start full on running. easter seems like as good of day as any to settle into my running schedule. dont get me wrong. all of this doesnt mean i have done nothing. it just means i've done things sporadically. like i did 2 6 mile long runs a few weeks ago. i worked out a few days last week and the week before. but that to me isnt training. and its not helping my weight loss or my mind. so i'm whittling down the million to zero...

To Do For Others Is To Do For Yourself

I'm back in the training mode! and I'm excited! WHY? Because I have a new mission, a new goal and I want to make myself proud by reaching it. Last week I signed up to be a member of the Youth Homes Run 4 Kids Missoula Marathon team. I'm seeking sponsorship from every one I know. Even one dollar will get me to my goal. Just like one more step can get me to the next mile... http://www.firstgiving.com/eldenabeardontwalk Over the course of training, I'm going to continue blogging. Not just about my experiences training or my life as this blog has been about for the last year. But I want you to know the people I know. The people I love. All who have been in foster care. I want you to know the foster parents I know and love and how the idea of giving love to a child whether your blood or not has always been a part of my life. Come with me, help me change the world....

a few brief words....

this was my horoscope today...but maybe it should become the mantra...Think about the idea of tolerance and notice to what extent it can liberate you. If you allow others to do and think what they like, you will find that more and more you grant yourself this same right.

in my life right now this applies like never before...i am ready to liberate myself and the people around me...

back to our regularly scheduled program

i have gotten lazy. but i have scheduled myself for 2 10ks, one 1/2 marathon and possibly another. we'll be back on the running trail within the week. so stay tuned....

transfusion

i call this blog transfusion because at the time i started it, i had a lot of things i need to get rid of--in my heart, in my head and generally in my life. whether it was bad relationships, bad habits leading to bad health or some bad thinking, a year ago it was time to do or die. i've been off the writing for awhile, not because i dont think of things to write but because i want to live in the moment and sometimes, the moment spills over into my writing time. in the last month since my last post lots has happened. but i wanted to write about one thing in particular. i had an epiphany of sorts and it has changed my world. for much of my 36 years, i have interacted with other people and almost always, taken what they say personally and possibly negatively. there are words that i hear people say and for whatever reason, i hear words that hurt my feelings. whether its talking about losing weight or my child rearing, i have been quick to take offense. until last month. there are some people where i live that i dont particularly care for. i dont hate them or strongly dislike them, i just dont choose to spend my time with them. they have step over my boundaries with my child and i was resentful about it because i felt like their actions said i was a bad parent. believe me, being a single mother of a daughter comes with its own special kind of selfdoubt. i dont think its better or more deserving of empathy than any other kind of parenting, but im saying it has its issues. anyway, the mother of my daughters friend steps over my boundaries and i was resentful. i have tried to figure out why i feel this way? where did it come from and why has it continued to evolve. and after much soul searching...i have no f'ing clue. maybe its cosmic, maybe it was my childhood environment, maybe it was none of those things... one day she said hello to me and i said hello back. she seemed to get great joy that i engaged with her. as i walked away i thought, whats the big deal if we talk? and for some reason, it all came to me. for whatever her actions are....she means no harm. her intentions are good. in finding that she meant no harm in her actions with my child, it released me. it lifted some heavy burden that i didnt even realize i carried with me. from that point on, i have been listening to people, especially my family, with a different sense of thoughtfulness. what i once heard as criticism and critique, i now hear for what it was intended--regular conversation about day to day life, suggestions, ideas---caring, concern, love. i wish i would thoroughly convey the sense of enlightenment i feel. i look around at people now and see so many people really do have good intentions. they mean no harm. and just because its not how i would do or say something doesn't mean the value is any less. it has opened me up. i tend to hole myself away into a shell if i think a person is going to hurt me. i see things politically or spiritually, that i might have criticized harshly before, differently now. it has made me feel a stronger need to convey my intentions clearly. to give people the benefit of the doubt. to love is a freer sense than i have before. i feel no longer transfused but instead transformed. “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

he used to call me gal....

the strangest things can bring about sad feelings. i'm sitting in finnegans having breakfast and working this morning when i hear a voice. the sounds, the delivery of the words and the words themselves sound so much like my uncle that if i didnt know better i would have thought it was him. but its not. its a man who looks similar to him with his grey beard and toothpick grinding in his teeth. my uncle died 2 years ago. on a rainy September morning, as i drove to my job....the phone started to ring and the whole world became different. it seems like when i miss one, i miss all of them. my dads brothers have all passed..the saddest for me being my uncle with cerebral palsy. my grandparents are all gone and sometimes i am overwhelmed with the things i wish they could see. my mom lost this brother and for both my parents, i think loss like this must be overwhelming. jb lost his uncle a few weeks ago. and then his lead teacher. i am reminded that i have been experiencing loss since i was very young. the day after my 5th birthday my grandpa was murdered and that loss, even at such a young age has made me hyper vigilant about these types of feelings. i realize too that there are many people my age who dont know this kind of loss and to see them go through it now seems like a double edge sword. when you have loss you become conditioned to it but to live a life without it, must somehow be a wonder....

it ends sometimes

i dont work...much...but somehow i am always busy lately. and i'm tired. but i'm thankful my folks came over for thanksgiving. tomorrow i will drive home to be with my parents. my dad is having surgery friday. it seems sometimes like one day i woke up and they were older and fragile. i am waiting for my niece to be born...i wanted to call her emme since her inititials are mmbdw but mimi is starting to stick with me. i am thankful that i had enough money for groceries this morning and yesterday. while i seem to be making a decent living, i do worry about money alot. and somehow, like last night, i get a little crazy at the good food store...we ate almost everything up for thanksgiving and i am glad not to waste food but also to know theres money to buy more if i need to. i'm thankful for the new contract i just got. not only did it pay me alot more than expected, it seems to have alot of perks i didnt know about. a couple more of these and i would be set! rose is exhausted from all her social like and basketball practice. shes been so busy that i'm thinking about strapping to her bed all weekend so she will sleep and not get sick. i'm excited for basketball games to start. i love watching high school basketball and she has worked very hard to improve her game. i am also excited for her christmas concert. she has a solo at the communitty wide concert and while shes nervous i know she will do great. i started running and working out again. i let somebody run me through some strength training exercises (which i need) but i am SORE! my friend hl said to think of it as a sign, that obviously i needed to work that muscle...i have a lot of neglected muscles i think. i am sad about the passing of supi mays....her contribution to revitalizing the Salish language will always stand. we always laughed together when we would see each other. sometimes you have to appreciate how rare that it... its wintertime now...and while i am beginnning to prepare for the year to come, i reflect on those i try not to let myself miss...and sometimes it overwhelms me. life is short.

this and that

i just went to the gym...and no i dont feel awesome...people always give me the pep talk about how good it will feel once i go to the gym and if i just do five minutes, it will all get easier.... yeah bullshit...somedays yes somedays no...today is a no day...but i have to get back into it... i think because thanksgiving is coming up everybody is posting what they are thankful for...i've been doing some of the things on the gratitude challenge and some not...so today i think i'll make a list of things i'm thankful for and things i'm not. 1. i'm grateful for the people in my life who encourage but dont harp. 2. i'm glad that i went to the gym today 3. i'm not glad that today that toward mile 2 i can feel the little break in my toe...still. 4. i'm not grateful that when i restart working out, no matter what...i have to go to the bathroom during my workouts...today i had to go twice and these arent the it-will-wait-till-its-over-kind-either...these are the if you dont go right now you might pee on the treadmill..or worse! 5. i'm think i will start watching the biggest loser again to get some inspiration. 6. i'm grateful that i have enough money right now to go buy a pair of new shoes... 7. i'm not grateful that these shoes i have, havent held up very well and dont give enough support. 8. i am grateful that they are pink...because i love pink...and women's because for some reason shoe manufactures think that women with size 10.5 feet only want to wear ugly gramma shoes... 9. i'm not grateful for that... 10. i'm also not grateful for the amount of snot i seem to make when i run... 11. i am grateful for the couple of cute outfits i think i have for working out..i dont know why it makes such a difference to me but it does. 12. i'm grateful that i have enough time and a little bit of money to not have the excuse of work in my way.

conversations with myself

there are days when i have to challenge myself to be in control... what you ask? i know. for the most part i think (and possibly believe) that people see me as a control freak. and i am. to my exterior life...my house, my job... what i am not in control of is...is my inner dialogue. everyone has one. and i dont seem to know enough people whose inner dialogue tells them they rock. in a mediated and reliable sort of way. lately my inner dialogue has been telling me to back away...to withdraw from people and things i find comfortable. the challenge for me is that my inner dialogue isnt like having your best friend tell you what to do...its more like the flintstones, when on each should fred would have the angel fred and the other should held the devil fred and he had to decide who to listen to. my internal voice is not my friend...it is simply my script...the play i recreate in any number of circumstances. its hard to know that i have this script as much as it as difficult when i wasnt aware of it. because now, i dont trust...before i knew the outcomes, i knew the voice might lead to me to an unhappy place but it was something familiar and comforting. now i dont know how to sift through the dialogue and which voices to hear and which voices to leave...

Post #5

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you don’t possess—instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy. I am grateful for the closeness i share with my brothers. whiles its not always perfect, its solid. i am grateful that my daughter is a beautiful intelligent and thoughtful girl. i am grateful that am able to make my own hours and do what i want to almost everyday. i'm available for her and the rest of my family when i need to be and can be involved in my community in a way that wasn't possible when i worked all day everyday. i am grateful for my parents and their reasonably good health. i am grateful for this little dog who runs around my house like a crazed maniac and then lays her head on my shoulder to be petted. i am grateful that i have a warm house i am grateful that i have good friends i am grateful for the satellite tv that keeps me entertained while i bead!

gratitude post #4

Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life. I am grateful to understand the struggle of weight. I'm not where I want to be but in going through it and it being a present factor in my life i feel as though it makes me empathetic to other struggles people go through. it also has forced me to look at my own innervoices about what i can and cannot do with the body that i have. today my back muscles are strained and while i would like to work out, i'm going to stretch. its more important to take care of myself than to continue to harm my body. i am grateful for the crappy job i left a little over a year ago. while its no fun being harrassed and discriminated against, i also know that i learned invaluable tools through my work there. i made of great friends and learned what kind of person and lawyer i choose to be. i am also thankful that while i was there, i had health insurance. it made it possible to have glasses and contacts and a doctor i preferred. in leaving there and its negativity, i learned and am still learned how strong i can be and that i'm in control everyday of how stressed or positive i want my life to be. i am grateful that i'm low on cash. i know that seems weird. but it causes me to stay home more and spend less and really think about what i'm purchasing. plus it gives me a good reason to get my beading done! and for some reason, i cook better when i'm low on cash too...

Gratitude post #3

How quickly times gets away from me...i'm three days behind on my gratitude list. so i'm getting them all down now... todays challenge is to list write about something you feel grateful for in your life today. i am grateful that i have a partner who is willing to work with me. to help me work through my stuff and who is willing to work through his own stuff. today in a discussion i fell back into some defensive responses. instead of trying to listen to what he was saying to me...i was hearing. its a huge leap to me to know now the difference between hearing someone and listening to him or her. and in doing so it elicits different reactions. i'm also grateful that in this conversation, he was willing to reword what he said to make it clearer to me what information he was trying to gather. it seems small but the conversation in its function and form was significant. communication can be different. people who have known each other for a decade can still change the tone and tenor of a conversation if they can work for the greater good. i'm grateful to be able to see that and it is deeply meaningful to me.

A-Z of Gratitude

today's gratitude challenge is to fill in the alphabet with a list of what i am grateful for: A--Akkbadidia B--brothers C--coffee D--daddy E--eagles F--fabric G--gratitude H--highlights I--internet J--jb K--ketchup L--limes M--mommy N---needles O--oranges P--powwow Q--quiet R--rose S--silliness T--tea U--underwear V--violet W--writing X--xrays Y--you Z--zzzzssss

i'm up for the challenge

sometimes, at least on this blog i feel a little one dimensional. by that i mean, i talk about excercising and relationships and those two things are far from the girl i am.... in order to see other things to write about, i'm taking the gratitude challenge. gratitudechallenge.com todays request is that i explain why i took the challenge and what i hope to achieve through 21 days of gratitude... well first off i hope to learn how to spell gratitude...the last 6 times i've typed it, the little red bar comes up underneath. i want to focus my writing on some other things in my life. i am eternally grateful for the people and things in my life. i find it a great challenge to learn to express that...especially since its my blog. on fb, one of my old high school friends decided to take this challenge. looking through her blog inspired me to get back to my blog. the challenge is everyday for 21 days. we'll see what happens...

jealousy is an ugly pill

i think honesty is good...great actually... i am jealous...i am jealous of all the girls i grew up with who couldnt have cared less about getting married....who are...who didnt really want a bunch of kids...who have them...who had the big fancy wedding with prince charming but never really dreamed of it.. because thats what i wanted...and at 36 dont have...and may never have...when i was little i wanted very few things...i wanted to get married and live happily ever after with lots of kids....6 or more...i know i know...but its truly what i wanted....and honestly i didnt care about anything else...fame, fortune, education...nothing because those were and are my biggest dreams.... and i dont have them...dont get me wrong i am eternally grateful for the child i have...but i NEVER dreamed that she would be an only child...and as the years passed it felt as though i failed her more and more by giving her no siblings... all of the other dreams i had...to be a singer.... a lawyer...a writer...never mattered to me as much as being married...as much as having children and i am jealous.... because i feel as though i am the only one not married...the only one without more than one child...the only one who couldnt make it happen...and it belittles me...

knowing

i have known all this time that i am still sick. i have known all this time that i needed to get back to exercising. i have known all this time that i should probably go to the doctor. but lately, i've come into a different kind of knowing. i'm dating. and the person that i'm dating has changed tremendously since i knew him before. the way he deals with things, the structure of a conversation, the ability to argue but not fight with the other person. and in having all these moments with him, i realized that some things about me havent changed. and its made me feel a bit crazy. there have been conversations where my own internal script says that i should behave or respond a certain way. believe me, i've perfected the internal script. but the problem has become, the other person's script is different, and my own version doesnt work with this reasonable, workable trail of communication. it has actually made me feel like i need to step up my own game alittle bit in making an effort to be reasonable and open to a new script. its a very deep very powerful moment to internally realize that there is a possibility to mature in my own thinking and not expect someone else to just learn the song the way i want them to. somehow it becomes a completely different verse than either of us knows what to do with but it has relieved alot of tension based on expectation. change often is realized only after it happens.

the big one.

time passes and before you know it, its all gone. where have i been for the last month...physically, right here. mentally all over the place. after i ran the marathon. i just quit. stopped working out and did nothing. and i felt like crap. about 2 weeks later, i went to the gym and ran for a while it felt good but somehow mentally, not enough for me to get back on the wagon. i havent gotten to do much this summer for one reason or another. i didnt go to one powwow. i only went to two rodeos. and the lake less than a handful of times. it hasnt been all bad. just busy. with everything and nothing. 3 weeks ago, i went home for crow fair. i wasnt feeling good and about 15 minutes from my house, i contemplated turning around. but i didnt want to disappoint rose in not going home to see my folks. but i felt feverish and thought i had a urinary tract infection or something. it was a long drive. my symptoms continued to get worse. so much so that i didnt even go down to crow. i stayed in billings the whole weekend. the ride back to mission was terrible. i couldnt go more than 40 minutes without having to stop. once we got back here, i got sicker and sicker. but i had work to do and court appearances and things that had to be done. then i went to the doctor. but even with medication i was getting sicker and sicker. imagine the worst hangover you've ever had....then multiply it by 10. nothing would stay down. i was feverish....and i was stubborn. i finally got a ct scan which told me what i think i already knew. i had passed a kidney stone. possibly two. and now everything, from my kidney down the line was infected. and it hurt. finally after a horrible night, i knew i had to go to the hospital. i was dehydrated. the medications werent staying down. and i was starting to get scared. they admitted me and i stayed for 3 days. and no, i didnt tell anybody. my phone died when i got there and i never recharged it. my brother took care of me and my doctor. its hard to be that sick. to feel so out of control. but it was a good indicator of where i have been mentally for the last month or so. i kept getting extremely cold. i was cold from the inside out. my teeth would chatter so hard that it would make my stomach hurt which in turn would make my kidney hurt. all while running a temp of 103. once in the middle of the night, i begged the nurse to bring me another blanket. they couldnt because of my fever. even worse the nurse took all of my blankets. it was at that moment that i could no longer be strong, that i could no longer try to continue to tough things out. i was in so much pain and so cold and all i wanted was to be comforted with a blanket. i have never begged for medication. i would rather go without if i can. but i finally knew i couldnt. what they gave me, allowed me to fall asleep. and in finally being able to relax, my fever broke. when i woke, i had sweated through all of my bedding. this happened probably 6 times that day. that even when i finally thought it was all over, it all came back. i got out on saturday and had to go back to the er on sunday. since then 2 more weeks have passed. i still feel tired and week. and still i feel betrayed by my own body forcing me to give up some of my most clearly defined barriers. sometimes healing means changing. sometimes it means staying the same.

while failure may not be an option....

it seems sometimes like a vacation destination that includes free drinks...and less hassle

today

1. today some guy on campus checked me out...it was nice. i have to admit when i was occupied men hit on me ALOT more...now that i'm not it seems few and FAR between....and i do mean far...its weird...but really in 9 months only one man has approached me with any interest at all...and then he went back to his wife...lmao...no true though...story of my life...but its certainly starting to dampen my party... 2. i worked alot...i know that people think i keep short hours...but on a super good day...i pack alot into those hours...there are days that i can pack an average 8 hour day into 2 hours...and then i'm tired...really tired... 3. i skipped lunch today which is always a bad idea...it sort of just happened....so instead of making a plethora of bad choices...i went to the good food store and bought a bunch of vegetables and one impulse purchase....baked kettle chips...i think i have found my new love...i can only love them...as long as i love running...and today the day after, i still love running. 4. i will wear dark lipstick until i die...so there.... 5 my sister had a dream about me having a baby...i asked her if she knew who the daddy was so i could go make some arrangements... 6. i feel good after my race...the worst injury i have is from all the nose blowing i did. really...my nose is chaffed...its bad...but other than that im completely hooked...

Its over

that half marathon...that is... and well it was hard...harder than i expected. i'm a little disappointed in my finish but i've accepted it and now i know what to do differently. i slacked off alot the last 2 weeks before the race...for a variety of reasons but really no good excuses. then like i knew i should have, i didnt go scope out the race trail. i've learned alot about myself through this training experience. and one VERY important thing is that I need to know the route...if i dont know where i am going...then i lose steam fast...because in my mind this could go on FOREVER and then i might die before i get there...or something like that....i had looked over the map for the race but they had changed the route so i really was just following people. and it taxed me mentally.... because i slacked, my new shoes hadnt gotten adjusted to me nor me to them. they were too soft. but you cant expect to run 13 miles and not have some foot issues. at least in the beginning. lastly i would have trained more on concrete. i trained on pavement partially but i mixed it up with asphalt and dirt which made it all seem pretty easy. i even mixed it up with hills which still felt fine. but this entire route was pavement...concrete. and i was racked...by mile 5, i actually thought about quitting... i was finally starting to get my groove about mile 3. then i just couldnt get focused so instead my focus went to how much this sucked and how was i gonna get another 10 miles and then how much my ass was cramping and everything was starting to hurt. this is nothing new to me. usually though i can harness it in. i finally shut it all out by mile 8 and was able to knock out another 3 miles. the last 2 miles though were hard mentally and physically. i kept having stern talks with myself. first not to stop but also to say its ok to walk because damaging myself in the long run for a few less minutes on my time seemed counter productive. i know this about myself. on any given day i can do 7 miles. easy...easy-ish...but on this day...i let my mind get the better of me and then it was all down hill from there. but i finished and as i got to the finish line...i also cried again because i was finishing, not exactly as i had planned but it was good to be done...good to have seen something through and even better to know that this isnt the end...but just the beginning.... and super cool---as i walked through the line, i got a medal...i thought it was for the marathoners who were zooming in....but it was for me...to keep to remind me that i am a finisher...

always the wedding planner, never the bride

this past weekend my brother got married at my house...

my give away

its been busy....which is the biggest understatement i've made in along time...but to explain it all would take more time that i have.... lately there have been people returning to my life and with them came the reasons they were gone in the first place... anyway the lesson learned from all these interactions was that i want people around me who support me, who encourage me, not people who second guess or who think their job is to keep me humble.... or who batter me emotionally, only to come back and apologize for it once they're done. there are people in my life who seem to think that i need to be kept humble, that i am so full of myself that they need to slap me down every chance they get.... and while i could start a fight with them every time they do it, i'm choosing to make an inner decision rather than an outer decision. by that i mean, i could lash out at them...let them hurt my feelings and rage...which is what they expect and i think, in some ways, they want so that they can engage and feel some sort of release. instead, i am choosing to stay steady...something really, that i am not very good at. i want to break down. i want to fly out in a rage but i cant because then it starts a process that i'm all to familiar with and dont want. sometimes i just go off and cry because i dont know what else to do. but i refuse to engage anymore than that. these are the same people who tell me that what i'm doing in my life is great except that i'm doing it all wrong. or that i did it all wrong and that next time if i just did things the right way, i wouldn't have failed the first time. its not always easy to admit that those people that you want most to love you, cant show those feelings in a way that is constructive or even accessible. another person has come back around, i realize, because they need me. but not in a relationship type of way. its more about that person needing a cheerleader and i have always been that for them. but there is no reciprocal. and never has been. i'm no longer willing to give to people who dont give back or who can only give back in a negative way. if you arent standing at the finish line waiting to celebrate with me, then we should run different races.

aho....

while i dont have much time to write, i wanted to make note of something for later. i come from prayerful people...not just my family but my tribal people. we pray before we eat, we pray for birth, for death, for the new year, for the berries and the leaves, we pray before we vote, we pray for your success, we pray for protection from other people's bad thoughts and sometimes from our own. my work right now is very intense and a person i'm working with reminded me that we should pray over the things that we have received...because even those papers come with intentions...someone's intentions are over every word...every inch and their thoughts and wishes...both good and bad...about us are on those pages.... we pray openly and honestly...for the continuance of our tribe and to move it forward with our best intentions. while many people would take such an responsibility with great glory...it weighs heavy on me and almost makes me sad...because i am afraid of doing something that will have long lasting, possibly negative impacts...but at the same time...i cant back down from the responsibility. its affecting my sleep, my dreams along with all other other things happening in my life...but today just a for a moment, that man stopped and had us all pray together, to smudge and make ourselves heard... i was taught to pray for all that you are thankful for and to ask for its continuance...but i have a lot of worries and it was a relief to lift that sorrow up as well.... take a minute put sey

i dont hate you....

next time the answer will be different

in other news

i'm supposed to run the practice run through for the 1/2 marathon on sunday...thats 13.1 miles...i know...but i'm just going to have my brother drop me off 13 miles from home...and i'll get there eventually...a full report...after i get back.

stupid

i knew that i would get caught up it...even when it old myself i wouldnt. i would worry. i would wait...i would wish. i would hope...and worst of all i thought things might just be. in my line of work...there are moments when you have to give the come-to-jesus talk to your clients...today was one of those days. and i know all the things to say...tough love or not...good cop bad cop...all of it...but as i was saying these things to her...i thought...man you better do that in your own life...or shut up... what i was talking about was the moment you start talking yourself into something...that usually includes talking yourself out of something...and in most cases that means negating the things that i have determined to be needs or wants in exchange for companionship and the love of another person. this girl essentially gave up her freedom, her opportunity because she had convinced herself, that dumbing down her needs would keep the man she loved and somehow save them both. last night i had dinner with a friend who relayed a similar story. in a relationship, just to not rock the boat, she would start talking herself into saying ...well, i can live with it this way...the way i wanted it isnt that important...which then translates into I WILL SETTLE....i will let someone elses needs and wants come before my own because my want or need for that person is going to trump my own. i've said it before...i dont know how to ask for what i need and i sure in the hell dont know what i would do if those needs actually were met by another person when i asked. but i'm tired of talking myself out of those things in order to make other people happy. i'm not talking small scale stuff...do i really care if we eat mexican when i kind of wanted thai? no...thats not a make or break moment....its the big things...the deal breakers that i have talked myself out of and into...and i dont think i can anymore... this is a hard lesson. maybe one of the hardest so far. and i'm not sure how to proceed. i believe in self help books. i've read and done the exercises in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix numerous times over my life. I'm now onto his next book which is called Keeping the Love You Find. Its challenging in new and different ways. So much so that its been difficult to answer some of the questions...not just because i dont want to...but also because i dont know what the true answer is ...in convincing myself that what i needed wasnt that important..ive lost sight of what i truly want and i'm now having to re-evaluate that with honesty and clarity. for some reason...its not been any fun....

i dont know

people know what they want. sometimes they dont know what to do with it when they get it. they are so used to only receiving part or none of what they ask for that they will take whatever they can get. in relationships, i want a cup. i have sometimes received 1/2 a cup, sometimes received a teaspoon. i didnt reject what was given to me but i certainly wanted more. its difficult to convince people that they deserve more. just by telling me that i deserve everything i'm asking for in my cup doesnt make me believe it or even allow it. someone asked me what i would do if i got everything i asked for. the honest answer is i dont know. i've never gotten the whole cup. i probably wouldnt know what to do and could possibly even reject what it was that i thought i wanted. i think its like weightloss...people dream about the body that they think they want....so they work toward that fullcup....but in the end that may not be exactly what they get or it may not be as satisfying as they thought it would be. they are used to the little bit they get being satisfying enough.... right now i'm trying to decide what it is i want in my life and not in my life and the full cup question is very real and almost frightening. i know in theory what i have always said i wanted. but the truth is i dont know how to get there on my own. and i feel like if i cant get there on my own, how can i possibly get there with someone else...i think knowing what i truly want and not just how to get there but actually getting there might help me draw the type person who can go with me.... i often wonder how people find mates who truly want the same things they do. i am also often jealous. many of my friends who never really wanted to be married or even cared about those types of things have very full filling marriages, children...all the things i wanted. it feels, often, as if somehow i have failed in this aspect of my life and i dont like it. but i am at a loss in how to change things so i dont repeat the same types of relationships i have had in the past. i know, and you know, that it takes two. i know what i need to work on and do in my own personal self in order to proceed how i want to. counseling, self study...whatever i can do...but i sometimes feel like even though i have changed i still find myself in the same types of relationships with the same types of people. its difficult to classify someone as a type but i see some very identifiable traits that have become more and more familiar to me....and maybe thats it...i see the familiar....the question is...i do i see what i'm looking for...not whats looking at me....

why is there only a teaspoon when i want a cup?

i'm a giver...i dont even know if its by nature...i think its more by accidental bad breeding...the women in my family on both sides....are taught to give not take... we give first eat last up first sleep last take nothing give all ask for nothing wish for everything before we can be deemed real women i am not allowed to crack...whatever that means it goes back to my friend who says i never cry.... i remember being a small girl....kneeling down on the floor and getting a huge carpenters staple in my knee. i remember taking a big breath and pulling it out and watch the blood reel down my leg...and never telling anyone...never asking for a bandaid...taking care of it all myself. i will be 36 years old soon and i still dont know how to ask for a bandaid...for you to help me...for you to comfort me.

if you get to where i am going

stop and think about what you are doing.... what exactly is it that makes you want to do this... why make promises you cant keep.... because you can... or because somewhere you mean them but cant keep them... i dont get it.... i want to get it... but i cant.... its like a lodge with no poles i know how to put it up i know how to keep it there-- whats in place to make it my home until then its just a bundle of canvas wishes and nothing else no shelter no freedom think about that before you think about you... think about me before you decide about home... i am not a landing spot... i am the nest.

courage is waking up in the morning.

i am tired and taxed....today felt like the end all over again...i remember saying to myself one day months ago....i never want to feel like this again...i never want to miss and hate the same person...to know i didnt sleep, to feel raw and wounded, to wait or wish or want and to have nothing to show for it. the hardest part is to have the joy and deep feeling of love and wishing mixed into the rawness and the wounds.... there was no way to stand up straight, no way to feel perfect and content or even present.... when it all comes down to it, i dont care what others think of my decisions...i only care how i feel about them....are they right, are they wrong...is it more hurtful than joyful....i dont know. the past never was my friend. in the past i am broken. damaged. wounded. a child. the future holds what little hope i remember.

Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option

crystal clear

there are moments that define us....so much so that as they are happening, we know that in this moment, our lives will change. i had that moment last night. i am still reflecting on it today. connections arent broken just because we want them to be. we have to deny them and pretend they dont exist. until....maybe....they dont... i am confused. sad. happy. mired in the depths of illusion and truth. nothing is easy. even non-decision isnt easy...it is painful and emotionally expensive. i'm not even sure i can cover the debt of that expense....

the clothes question

theres been a lot of questions about how much weight i've lost since i started running. the answer is none... NONE.... really and i'm ok with that for now. the reason i started running was because after MONTHS of regimented eating and exercising I was losing very little or not at all most weeks. since i started working out in september i've lost 13 pounds...not exactly reflective of the work i've put in (namely 2 hours a day at the gym burning 1300 calories while eating 1400 a day for 4 months). i need to keep exercising. so i had to form some new goals. while i havent lost the weight, i am no longer on any medication. none. at all....which was the reason i took up the vigorous plan anyway. i'm too young to worry about high blood pressure and ulcers. i needed outlets and i found them in exercise. dont get me wrong there are many days i havent worked out. just lately i was on a running hiatus for about 2 weeks. i think i overtrained and my hips hurt to walk so instead of pushing myself i actually let them heal. i walked everyday but that didnt seem like enough...and wouldnt you know it...i actually lost a pound that week. the first step out the door is always the hardest...which is why on the 12 mile run i made someone drop me off....so there would be no turning back. i've had the same clothes for years. i tend to buy rose new things and not worry too much about myself. but i'm at a place where the clothes that looked cute last summer dont this summer...because they dont fit right...now i could take them all in but 1/2 the fun of toning up or losing weight is the option to wear different clothes. i think rose knows that i dont buy clothes for myself. and i dont want her to feel bad that i buy her things... so last week i had all these macy's coupons and i decided that i needed to set a better example. its good to take care of other people but its important to take care of yourself too. that includes your clothes, your hair and the other outward and inward things that make us feel good. i'm happy to announce that i've moved down a whole size almost 2. the cute black capri pants i bought are in a size that i dont remember ever wearing....not just the recent past...i mean ever...so i'm exciting...they're a little tight...i was telling rose this and she said well its a just a little motivation to keep going...and its true...like i've said i'll take motivation whereever i can get it...so we'll see if they're too big by summers end. i was talking to a mom of rose's friends and she gave me some good food for thought. she told me that several years ago she was heavier than i am now. she wanted to lose weight but the scale is as much a deterrent as it is a motivator. she told me that she ran 3 times a week, walked during her lunch hour and did aerobics 2 times a week. and she NEVER got on the scale...at all...only once a month would she take her measurements....thats how she kept track. and shes very fit now. so i might try her plan...measurements instead of actual weight and only once a month....it would be like breaking up with a bad friend to put my scale away...but it might be just what i need....that and some new summer shorts...

where we at?

my posts keep getting further and further apart. work is really busy right now. yesterday i ran 12 miles....yes in a row....all at once...and i let go of the crutch that my ipod has been to just relax and enjoy what i knew i could do....i had my brother drop me off 12 miles from my house in the mountains. the beginning of the run was awesome...i ran along the canal listening to the birds, watching for bears and it was all very enjoyable. everything was going along pretty well. i realized about 6 miles in, i hadnt brought enough water. or gum..again those were mental crutches not actual physical needs. everything was moving along, i felt good, i kept my pace.... and then i could feel two things---1. that after 3 months of running in my fancy fabulous pink brooks....they are flat and not so bouncy and my knees will confirm that. 2. i could feel in the arch of my left foot what started out as a soreness and moved its way into what felt like a blister the size of my fist. but i kept going. to the next tree...to the next power pole until i got the 3 mile left mark....then i walked a bit...its hard for me to know when to lay off....or keep going...im more likely to keep going than to lay off...the blister felt bigger, my knees were sore...i ran a little, walked a little...then ran the last mile-ish...i like to leave about .3 miles at the end of my runs to walk it out. i've been obsessed with my time...not to be faster just to be conistent. yesterdays challenge was to admit to myself that it was alright that my overall time was at a pace thats slower than what i would walk on the treadmill...but that it shouldnt discredit the fact that i ran 9 miles continuously. finishing is my goal...the 1/2 is about one month away....i know i'll finish and then set a few new goals. by the way...the blister was the size of a pin head....

you were always on my mind

last night rose and i were driving home from crow. i had to be over there for work for the last 5 days. we stopped at a truck stop and i decided to buy a cd for the ride home. there were two cds i wanted....each one holds a different period of my life. i ended up buying willie nelson. always on my mind. about the time that album came out, so did walkmans. i remember my mom bought one for my dad for christmas and the tape she bought to go with it was this willie nelson album. i was about 11. as i told rose last night, i fell in love with the sound of willie nelson's voice on his version of bridge over troubled water originally done by simon and garfunkel. even to hear the song now makes me teary. i remember driving with my dad to crow for business or tribal council meetings or for him to meet with clients and we would take turns listening to his walkman. there are very distinct memories of those songs rolling out onto the plains with me taking me to where i needed to go. its those moments, the times you think are meaningless that shape a child's life. not living there anymore makes me sad for the things my daughter doesnt experience. so many things i leared about being crow were revealed in the everydayness of just being and being around people who are. there are things she gets here about being salish....i just wonder how to provide her both....willie nelson shaped my life with that one album and everything after that...my father shaped my life with all of those hours spent following him around. my daughter shapes my life when i try to remember what was most important to me and figure out a way to convey that to her....its all on my mind....

shiny happy nothing

its been a few weeks. as usual, theres a lot to tell and really nothing. i'm up to running 10 miles at a time for the long run. yeah yeah...its losing a little of its glimmer...i have to find ways to keep it shiny, i guess... i went out the other night and met a very nice man. he certainly makes the short go round but he's got his own situation to deal with right now...its just nice to know that sometimes someone will show up just in time to give you alittle hope. i've heard about him from my friends who thought we should meet. it gave me a little hope but i dont know how long lasting.... because i think part of what is losing its glimmer is me....for a while i've felt very confident, very ballsy...and believing that the world that i want could be mine...and maybe its just an off week or so but i dont feel like that. i feel like no matter how how hard i wish and and want and work...i'm not sure i'll ever get there. i'm not sure how hard i try to do the right thing and not go back into the past, the future is ever coming. because, well...i'm waiting...believe me, i know the future is right now just like right now, its the past. but in a moment like this it feels like its all standing still hanging there and there is no place to go to find what i'm looking for.

100 posts

in 100 posts i've said alot and said very little...its been a long 8 months...its been a good time...its sucked some days...but here i am on the other side of winter, writing my 100th post. so some news: 1. yesterday, i ran 8 miles...no shit, 8 miles...did i run every step of it...almost...all told i probably walked 1/2 a mile...it wasnt fast but the route wasnt flat either...i'm prouder yet that on mile 2 i was getting my groove and who should drive by...of course....jb...there i was...RUNNING...ok it looks like jogging but its moving no matter what...and i kept running...so there...it phased me for about 1/2 mile and then i got back on board and did what i was there to do....and i wasnt sore afterward or today...i'm a beast...in a good way.... 2. Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option. on face book a girl i've known has this in her quote and all i can say is amen sista amen...she's newly single after about 6 years...its hard...i think everybody knows its hard...i am amazed at some of my friends who can walk away from relationships in a positive way and even remain friends with their exs...its a phenomenon that i'm not sure how to accomplish...but certainly admire. it definitely takes two. 3. i'm back to my old volunteering self these days...for so long while i was making someone a priority who was leaving me as only an option, i stopped doing lots of the things i loved...and when it was all over i felt the isolation i had developed. so i'm on a couple of different board of directors for organizations i really care about. i'm volunteering in other communitty things and networking. i'm not networking for jobs or to get something out of it, i'm doing it because i like to meet people, i like to be social and the only way to not be alone where i live is to get myself out into the world... 4. i cant believe how busy we are with everything right now...rose has a million and one things going on..school will be over in a few weeks. i have to go out of town for work that weekend but then summer will be just as busy...i start a contract position for the summer and she starts all her summer camps...maybe we'll be home;) 5. i'm sorting out friendships and how i want them to exist in my life. i dont expect to get everything from everybody....i dont. i know who my friends are for certain things...but the ones i am close to, i expect certain loyalties. the decision is...do i keep a friend who hasnt been loyal or let them go entirely...and if i do keep them...do i keep them as close or move them out to a friend for certain things situation. its not easy...i have cut people out for less but i'm trying to learn to be flexible, forgiving...and in lots of situations i am both of those...because theres lots of things i dont care about...but i do care about being hurt and once you've hurt me and i mean really hurt me...then its more difficult to be those things. 6. its funny someone today said i never cry....and i told them i cry all the time...they didnt believe me....maybe their vision of me is the tough exterior version...but really i cry all the time...things that make me happy...things that make me sad...frustrated...everything....like 2 weeks ago when two parents got in my face...i was so pissed off that i was on the verge of crying...when i see rose run or dance or perform..i cry...when i'm driving down the road and i think of things i cry....late last summer and early fall...i would cry everyday on the way to work and everyday on the way...i was that unhappy about my job, my life everything...just because i dont cry in front of you doesnt mean i dont cry....

mother's day

there is no way to come from my mother and be weak.... in fairness, there is no way to come from my parents and fail...ever.... i am a girl who have been given every opportunity, whether you know it or not...chances that may never come again...and i cant let them pass...14 years ago i became a mother myself....alone...but not alone...in the crow way, your mother's family is the most important...they teacher you all the lifeskills...your fathers family is to keep you humble and equally grounded...my daughter has the fathers i had....my daddy, my brothers, my uncles...the men who raised me...in a traditional setting that she doesnt even realize exists. and everyday i am proud of her...the person she is...the wisdom she has,the drive and determination that comes from generations before her... i miss the little girl who watched cartoons but i enjoy the grown up girl that i can have real conversations with who gets this that i would have never understood at her age. i love my mom, i love being a mom and everyday i miss the women who raised me....but i know what i have and can be thankful for that...

granting me....

there are lots of rumors and stories that pass through peoples live everyday. sometimes those happen to be the truth...sometimes they are the truth as other people perceive it. last night i heard somethings that for now are rumors but may end up being the truth. and it honestly devastated me. i had bad dreams, didnt sleep very well and felt crazy when i woke up this morning...i've felt like that before....when we'd fight or threaten to break up, waiting for somebody who never showed up....finding out the truth was really lies....i couldnt put it out of my mind. even during my run... i was lucky enough to have something else to focus on for a few hours...a softball game...and when i was done and someone asked me the question regarding how i felt about the rumor....i felt ok...truth or not....its not my problem anymore. theres nothing i can do to change the past. nothing i can do to take back the decade...i'm where i'm at now...and i can only move forward not lateral and not back... i feel alot of responsibility in my life...i always have...for people, for things, for culture and history. and i dont think theres anything i can do to stop that feeling. but at some point i have to be able to walk away from responsibilities that arent mine and that in the long run or even the immediate, hurt me and who i'm trying to be. those rumors and truth can do that....if i let them. when you work recovery programs, you learn the serenity prayer early on. the lesson i'm learning right now is that i've taken all my courage to change the things i can....when really those things were unchangeable and i didnt want to see them or accept them. and i'm glad to finally know the difference.

what the hell do i keep doing?

So i'm fortunate to have a lot of good support. What i mean by that is that there are people out there, who maybe i consider more acquaintances than friends, who cheer me on whenever i see them. today i ran into one of those women. we talked about my race, we briefly talked about the drama and then she talked me into doing a triathlon relay....what the hell? i'm so excited and proud of myself for running the whole bloomsday race that i feel like i should just keep making bigger plans...crazier plans...plans that fall into the category of "things skinny girls do". thats really the demon i wrestle with sometimes. even if you dont consciously think it, theres lots of voices in your head and mine that say....i'm too heavy to do that...she's too heavy to do that...thats stuff skinny girls do, not me...well i thought that way too...sometimes i still think that way. but i showed myself differently. i can run a whole race. i was self conscious in running especially running along side of mr. superfit. so when i started running this time, i really thought about what will make me comfortable, confident, available to do this kind of thing. first i bought the shoes. when i tried to start running in october, my shoes werent big enough so i had a blue toenail on each foot. then i tried to find the right sports bra or something that wouldnt make me feel the jiggle. i like to watch the biggest loser...alot..it inspires me...sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way...and by negative i mean, i see some of those women who weigh more than i do, sometimes by 100 lbs and i think if that woman can haul her ass around that track so can you....but i kep thinking how do they get over the ever distracting jiggle...so i researched it...they use "compression garments" also known as girdles...those bike shorts they wear are superlycra so that they dont jiggle. everything stays together. and i thought well i have a couple of those...so i tried them and it was amazing...not only does it help me from being self conscious, it also helps me hold a better posture and contract my abs while running. i told my sister in law that one day when she has some overweight woman come to her about running...she can tell her the secret to running is a girdle...really... so my friend who is a swimmer and i are trying to plan a triathlon...all we need is a biker...and we're in...i could bike but i'd have to buy one... so 8 months ago, i was an super unhealthy unhappy woman who needed to pull my life together, transfuse the bad with the good and get on with my life...here i am working out 5-6 days a week, running 12k races and training for a 1/2 marathon. i'd like to say that an enormous amount of weight has come off but it hasnt...but i feel happier, i am healthier and have a mental ability i didnt know i had....so whats a triathlon in the mix or even a marathon by september...theres nothing (and no one) telling me i cant...

for a second

i thought maybe i was being alittle too harsh about the whole run in with jb. and now i think maybe i havent been harsh enough. he never regarded any of my friends as his friends...and actually didnt have much good to say about anyone. so i have this one friend who hangs out with him and says hello to him and all that. i've tried to explain that when my friend hangs out with jb it makes me feel weird...because, 1. the friend never tells me that they have hungout(and i usually find out 2nd hand) and 2. i know they are talking about me because after i confront my friend about hanging out with jb then they tell me what happens. i dont like it enough to consider not being friends with this person anymore. anytime i even mention jb, this friend always sticks up for him even when there is nothing to stick up for him about. i'm not saying people cant all be cool with each other. i talk to people in jbs family all the time. but i dont hangout with them...i have declined every invitation to do so since we broke up. when i talk to them, i dont talk about him. i usually just say hello and thats it. there are a million other things in the world to talk about besides him (although this blog might not represent that;)) and i dont hangout with your exes. if i was your friend first, and i only hungout with your dates because they were with you...i'm probably not gonna go out for beers with them after you break up. and i'm certainly not gonna talk about you with them except to say good things.