he used to call me gal....

the strangest things can bring about sad feelings. i'm sitting in finnegans having breakfast and working this morning when i hear a voice. the sounds, the delivery of the words and the words themselves sound so much like my uncle that if i didnt know better i would have thought it was him. but its not. its a man who looks similar to him with his grey beard and toothpick grinding in his teeth. my uncle died 2 years ago. on a rainy September morning, as i drove to my job....the phone started to ring and the whole world became different. it seems like when i miss one, i miss all of them. my dads brothers have all passed..the saddest for me being my uncle with cerebral palsy. my grandparents are all gone and sometimes i am overwhelmed with the things i wish they could see. my mom lost this brother and for both my parents, i think loss like this must be overwhelming. jb lost his uncle a few weeks ago. and then his lead teacher. i am reminded that i have been experiencing loss since i was very young. the day after my 5th birthday my grandpa was murdered and that loss, even at such a young age has made me hyper vigilant about these types of feelings. i realize too that there are many people my age who dont know this kind of loss and to see them go through it now seems like a double edge sword. when you have loss you become conditioned to it but to live a life without it, must somehow be a wonder....

it ends sometimes

i dont work...much...but somehow i am always busy lately. and i'm tired. but i'm thankful my folks came over for thanksgiving. tomorrow i will drive home to be with my parents. my dad is having surgery friday. it seems sometimes like one day i woke up and they were older and fragile. i am waiting for my niece to be born...i wanted to call her emme since her inititials are mmbdw but mimi is starting to stick with me. i am thankful that i had enough money for groceries this morning and yesterday. while i seem to be making a decent living, i do worry about money alot. and somehow, like last night, i get a little crazy at the good food store...we ate almost everything up for thanksgiving and i am glad not to waste food but also to know theres money to buy more if i need to. i'm thankful for the new contract i just got. not only did it pay me alot more than expected, it seems to have alot of perks i didnt know about. a couple more of these and i would be set! rose is exhausted from all her social like and basketball practice. shes been so busy that i'm thinking about strapping to her bed all weekend so she will sleep and not get sick. i'm excited for basketball games to start. i love watching high school basketball and she has worked very hard to improve her game. i am also excited for her christmas concert. she has a solo at the communitty wide concert and while shes nervous i know she will do great. i started running and working out again. i let somebody run me through some strength training exercises (which i need) but i am SORE! my friend hl said to think of it as a sign, that obviously i needed to work that muscle...i have a lot of neglected muscles i think. i am sad about the passing of supi mays....her contribution to revitalizing the Salish language will always stand. we always laughed together when we would see each other. sometimes you have to appreciate how rare that it... its wintertime now...and while i am beginnning to prepare for the year to come, i reflect on those i try not to let myself miss...and sometimes it overwhelms me. life is short.

this and that

i just went to the gym...and no i dont feel awesome...people always give me the pep talk about how good it will feel once i go to the gym and if i just do five minutes, it will all get easier.... yeah bullshit...somedays yes somedays no...today is a no day...but i have to get back into it... i think because thanksgiving is coming up everybody is posting what they are thankful for...i've been doing some of the things on the gratitude challenge and some not...so today i think i'll make a list of things i'm thankful for and things i'm not. 1. i'm grateful for the people in my life who encourage but dont harp. 2. i'm glad that i went to the gym today 3. i'm not glad that today that toward mile 2 i can feel the little break in my toe...still. 4. i'm not grateful that when i restart working out, no matter what...i have to go to the bathroom during my workouts...today i had to go twice and these arent the it-will-wait-till-its-over-kind-either...these are the if you dont go right now you might pee on the treadmill..or worse! 5. i'm think i will start watching the biggest loser again to get some inspiration. 6. i'm grateful that i have enough money right now to go buy a pair of new shoes... 7. i'm not grateful that these shoes i have, havent held up very well and dont give enough support. 8. i am grateful that they are pink...because i love pink...and women's because for some reason shoe manufactures think that women with size 10.5 feet only want to wear ugly gramma shoes... 9. i'm not grateful for that... 10. i'm also not grateful for the amount of snot i seem to make when i run... 11. i am grateful for the couple of cute outfits i think i have for working out..i dont know why it makes such a difference to me but it does. 12. i'm grateful that i have enough time and a little bit of money to not have the excuse of work in my way.

conversations with myself

there are days when i have to challenge myself to be in control... what you ask? i know. for the most part i think (and possibly believe) that people see me as a control freak. and i am. to my exterior life...my house, my job... what i am not in control of is...is my inner dialogue. everyone has one. and i dont seem to know enough people whose inner dialogue tells them they rock. in a mediated and reliable sort of way. lately my inner dialogue has been telling me to back away...to withdraw from people and things i find comfortable. the challenge for me is that my inner dialogue isnt like having your best friend tell you what to do...its more like the flintstones, when on each should fred would have the angel fred and the other should held the devil fred and he had to decide who to listen to. my internal voice is not my friend...it is simply my script...the play i recreate in any number of circumstances. its hard to know that i have this script as much as it as difficult when i wasnt aware of it. because now, i dont trust...before i knew the outcomes, i knew the voice might lead to me to an unhappy place but it was something familiar and comforting. now i dont know how to sift through the dialogue and which voices to hear and which voices to leave...

Post #5

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you don’t possess—instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy. I am grateful for the closeness i share with my brothers. whiles its not always perfect, its solid. i am grateful that my daughter is a beautiful intelligent and thoughtful girl. i am grateful that am able to make my own hours and do what i want to almost everyday. i'm available for her and the rest of my family when i need to be and can be involved in my community in a way that wasn't possible when i worked all day everyday. i am grateful for my parents and their reasonably good health. i am grateful for this little dog who runs around my house like a crazed maniac and then lays her head on my shoulder to be petted. i am grateful that i have a warm house i am grateful that i have good friends i am grateful for the satellite tv that keeps me entertained while i bead!

gratitude post #4

Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life. I am grateful to understand the struggle of weight. I'm not where I want to be but in going through it and it being a present factor in my life i feel as though it makes me empathetic to other struggles people go through. it also has forced me to look at my own innervoices about what i can and cannot do with the body that i have. today my back muscles are strained and while i would like to work out, i'm going to stretch. its more important to take care of myself than to continue to harm my body. i am grateful for the crappy job i left a little over a year ago. while its no fun being harrassed and discriminated against, i also know that i learned invaluable tools through my work there. i made of great friends and learned what kind of person and lawyer i choose to be. i am also thankful that while i was there, i had health insurance. it made it possible to have glasses and contacts and a doctor i preferred. in leaving there and its negativity, i learned and am still learned how strong i can be and that i'm in control everyday of how stressed or positive i want my life to be. i am grateful that i'm low on cash. i know that seems weird. but it causes me to stay home more and spend less and really think about what i'm purchasing. plus it gives me a good reason to get my beading done! and for some reason, i cook better when i'm low on cash too...

Gratitude post #3

How quickly times gets away from me...i'm three days behind on my gratitude list. so i'm getting them all down now... todays challenge is to list write about something you feel grateful for in your life today. i am grateful that i have a partner who is willing to work with me. to help me work through my stuff and who is willing to work through his own stuff. today in a discussion i fell back into some defensive responses. instead of trying to listen to what he was saying to me...i was hearing. its a huge leap to me to know now the difference between hearing someone and listening to him or her. and in doing so it elicits different reactions. i'm also grateful that in this conversation, he was willing to reword what he said to make it clearer to me what information he was trying to gather. it seems small but the conversation in its function and form was significant. communication can be different. people who have known each other for a decade can still change the tone and tenor of a conversation if they can work for the greater good. i'm grateful to be able to see that and it is deeply meaningful to me.

A-Z of Gratitude

today's gratitude challenge is to fill in the alphabet with a list of what i am grateful for: A--Akkbadidia B--brothers C--coffee D--daddy E--eagles F--fabric G--gratitude H--highlights I--internet J--jb K--ketchup L--limes M--mommy N---needles O--oranges P--powwow Q--quiet R--rose S--silliness T--tea U--underwear V--violet W--writing X--xrays Y--you Z--zzzzssss

i'm up for the challenge

sometimes, at least on this blog i feel a little one dimensional. by that i mean, i talk about excercising and relationships and those two things are far from the girl i am.... in order to see other things to write about, i'm taking the gratitude challenge. gratitudechallenge.com todays request is that i explain why i took the challenge and what i hope to achieve through 21 days of gratitude... well first off i hope to learn how to spell gratitude...the last 6 times i've typed it, the little red bar comes up underneath. i want to focus my writing on some other things in my life. i am eternally grateful for the people and things in my life. i find it a great challenge to learn to express that...especially since its my blog. on fb, one of my old high school friends decided to take this challenge. looking through her blog inspired me to get back to my blog. the challenge is everyday for 21 days. we'll see what happens...

jealousy is an ugly pill

i think honesty is good...great actually... i am jealous...i am jealous of all the girls i grew up with who couldnt have cared less about getting married....who are...who didnt really want a bunch of kids...who have them...who had the big fancy wedding with prince charming but never really dreamed of it.. because thats what i wanted...and at 36 dont have...and may never have...when i was little i wanted very few things...i wanted to get married and live happily ever after with lots of kids....6 or more...i know i know...but its truly what i wanted....and honestly i didnt care about anything else...fame, fortune, education...nothing because those were and are my biggest dreams.... and i dont have them...dont get me wrong i am eternally grateful for the child i have...but i NEVER dreamed that she would be an only child...and as the years passed it felt as though i failed her more and more by giving her no siblings... all of the other dreams i had...to be a singer.... a lawyer...a writer...never mattered to me as much as being married...as much as having children and i am jealous.... because i feel as though i am the only one not married...the only one without more than one child...the only one who couldnt make it happen...and it belittles me...

knowing

i have known all this time that i am still sick. i have known all this time that i needed to get back to exercising. i have known all this time that i should probably go to the doctor. but lately, i've come into a different kind of knowing. i'm dating. and the person that i'm dating has changed tremendously since i knew him before. the way he deals with things, the structure of a conversation, the ability to argue but not fight with the other person. and in having all these moments with him, i realized that some things about me havent changed. and its made me feel a bit crazy. there have been conversations where my own internal script says that i should behave or respond a certain way. believe me, i've perfected the internal script. but the problem has become, the other person's script is different, and my own version doesnt work with this reasonable, workable trail of communication. it has actually made me feel like i need to step up my own game alittle bit in making an effort to be reasonable and open to a new script. its a very deep very powerful moment to internally realize that there is a possibility to mature in my own thinking and not expect someone else to just learn the song the way i want them to. somehow it becomes a completely different verse than either of us knows what to do with but it has relieved alot of tension based on expectation. change often is realized only after it happens.

the big one.

time passes and before you know it, its all gone. where have i been for the last month...physically, right here. mentally all over the place. after i ran the marathon. i just quit. stopped working out and did nothing. and i felt like crap. about 2 weeks later, i went to the gym and ran for a while it felt good but somehow mentally, not enough for me to get back on the wagon. i havent gotten to do much this summer for one reason or another. i didnt go to one powwow. i only went to two rodeos. and the lake less than a handful of times. it hasnt been all bad. just busy. with everything and nothing. 3 weeks ago, i went home for crow fair. i wasnt feeling good and about 15 minutes from my house, i contemplated turning around. but i didnt want to disappoint rose in not going home to see my folks. but i felt feverish and thought i had a urinary tract infection or something. it was a long drive. my symptoms continued to get worse. so much so that i didnt even go down to crow. i stayed in billings the whole weekend. the ride back to mission was terrible. i couldnt go more than 40 minutes without having to stop. once we got back here, i got sicker and sicker. but i had work to do and court appearances and things that had to be done. then i went to the doctor. but even with medication i was getting sicker and sicker. imagine the worst hangover you've ever had....then multiply it by 10. nothing would stay down. i was feverish....and i was stubborn. i finally got a ct scan which told me what i think i already knew. i had passed a kidney stone. possibly two. and now everything, from my kidney down the line was infected. and it hurt. finally after a horrible night, i knew i had to go to the hospital. i was dehydrated. the medications werent staying down. and i was starting to get scared. they admitted me and i stayed for 3 days. and no, i didnt tell anybody. my phone died when i got there and i never recharged it. my brother took care of me and my doctor. its hard to be that sick. to feel so out of control. but it was a good indicator of where i have been mentally for the last month or so. i kept getting extremely cold. i was cold from the inside out. my teeth would chatter so hard that it would make my stomach hurt which in turn would make my kidney hurt. all while running a temp of 103. once in the middle of the night, i begged the nurse to bring me another blanket. they couldnt because of my fever. even worse the nurse took all of my blankets. it was at that moment that i could no longer be strong, that i could no longer try to continue to tough things out. i was in so much pain and so cold and all i wanted was to be comforted with a blanket. i have never begged for medication. i would rather go without if i can. but i finally knew i couldnt. what they gave me, allowed me to fall asleep. and in finally being able to relax, my fever broke. when i woke, i had sweated through all of my bedding. this happened probably 6 times that day. that even when i finally thought it was all over, it all came back. i got out on saturday and had to go back to the er on sunday. since then 2 more weeks have passed. i still feel tired and week. and still i feel betrayed by my own body forcing me to give up some of my most clearly defined barriers. sometimes healing means changing. sometimes it means staying the same.

while failure may not be an option....

it seems sometimes like a vacation destination that includes free drinks...and less hassle

today

1. today some guy on campus checked me out...it was nice. i have to admit when i was occupied men hit on me ALOT more...now that i'm not it seems few and FAR between....and i do mean far...its weird...but really in 9 months only one man has approached me with any interest at all...and then he went back to his wife...lmao...no true though...story of my life...but its certainly starting to dampen my party... 2. i worked alot...i know that people think i keep short hours...but on a super good day...i pack alot into those hours...there are days that i can pack an average 8 hour day into 2 hours...and then i'm tired...really tired... 3. i skipped lunch today which is always a bad idea...it sort of just happened....so instead of making a plethora of bad choices...i went to the good food store and bought a bunch of vegetables and one impulse purchase....baked kettle chips...i think i have found my new love...i can only love them...as long as i love running...and today the day after, i still love running. 4. i will wear dark lipstick until i die...so there.... 5 my sister had a dream about me having a baby...i asked her if she knew who the daddy was so i could go make some arrangements... 6. i feel good after my race...the worst injury i have is from all the nose blowing i did. really...my nose is chaffed...its bad...but other than that im completely hooked...

Its over

that half marathon...that is... and well it was hard...harder than i expected. i'm a little disappointed in my finish but i've accepted it and now i know what to do differently. i slacked off alot the last 2 weeks before the race...for a variety of reasons but really no good excuses. then like i knew i should have, i didnt go scope out the race trail. i've learned alot about myself through this training experience. and one VERY important thing is that I need to know the route...if i dont know where i am going...then i lose steam fast...because in my mind this could go on FOREVER and then i might die before i get there...or something like that....i had looked over the map for the race but they had changed the route so i really was just following people. and it taxed me mentally.... because i slacked, my new shoes hadnt gotten adjusted to me nor me to them. they were too soft. but you cant expect to run 13 miles and not have some foot issues. at least in the beginning. lastly i would have trained more on concrete. i trained on pavement partially but i mixed it up with asphalt and dirt which made it all seem pretty easy. i even mixed it up with hills which still felt fine. but this entire route was pavement...concrete. and i was racked...by mile 5, i actually thought about quitting... i was finally starting to get my groove about mile 3. then i just couldnt get focused so instead my focus went to how much this sucked and how was i gonna get another 10 miles and then how much my ass was cramping and everything was starting to hurt. this is nothing new to me. usually though i can harness it in. i finally shut it all out by mile 8 and was able to knock out another 3 miles. the last 2 miles though were hard mentally and physically. i kept having stern talks with myself. first not to stop but also to say its ok to walk because damaging myself in the long run for a few less minutes on my time seemed counter productive. i know this about myself. on any given day i can do 7 miles. easy...easy-ish...but on this day...i let my mind get the better of me and then it was all down hill from there. but i finished and as i got to the finish line...i also cried again because i was finishing, not exactly as i had planned but it was good to be done...good to have seen something through and even better to know that this isnt the end...but just the beginning.... and super cool---as i walked through the line, i got a medal...i thought it was for the marathoners who were zooming in....but it was for me...to keep to remind me that i am a finisher...

always the wedding planner, never the bride

this past weekend my brother got married at my house...

my give away

its been busy....which is the biggest understatement i've made in along time...but to explain it all would take more time that i have.... lately there have been people returning to my life and with them came the reasons they were gone in the first place... anyway the lesson learned from all these interactions was that i want people around me who support me, who encourage me, not people who second guess or who think their job is to keep me humble.... or who batter me emotionally, only to come back and apologize for it once they're done. there are people in my life who seem to think that i need to be kept humble, that i am so full of myself that they need to slap me down every chance they get.... and while i could start a fight with them every time they do it, i'm choosing to make an inner decision rather than an outer decision. by that i mean, i could lash out at them...let them hurt my feelings and rage...which is what they expect and i think, in some ways, they want so that they can engage and feel some sort of release. instead, i am choosing to stay steady...something really, that i am not very good at. i want to break down. i want to fly out in a rage but i cant because then it starts a process that i'm all to familiar with and dont want. sometimes i just go off and cry because i dont know what else to do. but i refuse to engage anymore than that. these are the same people who tell me that what i'm doing in my life is great except that i'm doing it all wrong. or that i did it all wrong and that next time if i just did things the right way, i wouldn't have failed the first time. its not always easy to admit that those people that you want most to love you, cant show those feelings in a way that is constructive or even accessible. another person has come back around, i realize, because they need me. but not in a relationship type of way. its more about that person needing a cheerleader and i have always been that for them. but there is no reciprocal. and never has been. i'm no longer willing to give to people who dont give back or who can only give back in a negative way. if you arent standing at the finish line waiting to celebrate with me, then we should run different races.

aho....

while i dont have much time to write, i wanted to make note of something for later. i come from prayerful people...not just my family but my tribal people. we pray before we eat, we pray for birth, for death, for the new year, for the berries and the leaves, we pray before we vote, we pray for your success, we pray for protection from other people's bad thoughts and sometimes from our own. my work right now is very intense and a person i'm working with reminded me that we should pray over the things that we have received...because even those papers come with intentions...someone's intentions are over every word...every inch and their thoughts and wishes...both good and bad...about us are on those pages.... we pray openly and honestly...for the continuance of our tribe and to move it forward with our best intentions. while many people would take such an responsibility with great glory...it weighs heavy on me and almost makes me sad...because i am afraid of doing something that will have long lasting, possibly negative impacts...but at the same time...i cant back down from the responsibility. its affecting my sleep, my dreams along with all other other things happening in my life...but today just a for a moment, that man stopped and had us all pray together, to smudge and make ourselves heard... i was taught to pray for all that you are thankful for and to ask for its continuance...but i have a lot of worries and it was a relief to lift that sorrow up as well.... take a minute put sey

i dont hate you....

next time the answer will be different

in other news

i'm supposed to run the practice run through for the 1/2 marathon on sunday...thats 13.1 miles...i know...but i'm just going to have my brother drop me off 13 miles from home...and i'll get there eventually...a full report...after i get back.

stupid

i knew that i would get caught up it...even when it old myself i wouldnt. i would worry. i would wait...i would wish. i would hope...and worst of all i thought things might just be. in my line of work...there are moments when you have to give the come-to-jesus talk to your clients...today was one of those days. and i know all the things to say...tough love or not...good cop bad cop...all of it...but as i was saying these things to her...i thought...man you better do that in your own life...or shut up... what i was talking about was the moment you start talking yourself into something...that usually includes talking yourself out of something...and in most cases that means negating the things that i have determined to be needs or wants in exchange for companionship and the love of another person. this girl essentially gave up her freedom, her opportunity because she had convinced herself, that dumbing down her needs would keep the man she loved and somehow save them both. last night i had dinner with a friend who relayed a similar story. in a relationship, just to not rock the boat, she would start talking herself into saying ...well, i can live with it this way...the way i wanted it isnt that important...which then translates into I WILL SETTLE....i will let someone elses needs and wants come before my own because my want or need for that person is going to trump my own. i've said it before...i dont know how to ask for what i need and i sure in the hell dont know what i would do if those needs actually were met by another person when i asked. but i'm tired of talking myself out of those things in order to make other people happy. i'm not talking small scale stuff...do i really care if we eat mexican when i kind of wanted thai? no...thats not a make or break moment....its the big things...the deal breakers that i have talked myself out of and into...and i dont think i can anymore... this is a hard lesson. maybe one of the hardest so far. and i'm not sure how to proceed. i believe in self help books. i've read and done the exercises in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix numerous times over my life. I'm now onto his next book which is called Keeping the Love You Find. Its challenging in new and different ways. So much so that its been difficult to answer some of the questions...not just because i dont want to...but also because i dont know what the true answer is ...in convincing myself that what i needed wasnt that important..ive lost sight of what i truly want and i'm now having to re-evaluate that with honesty and clarity. for some reason...its not been any fun....

i dont know

people know what they want. sometimes they dont know what to do with it when they get it. they are so used to only receiving part or none of what they ask for that they will take whatever they can get. in relationships, i want a cup. i have sometimes received 1/2 a cup, sometimes received a teaspoon. i didnt reject what was given to me but i certainly wanted more. its difficult to convince people that they deserve more. just by telling me that i deserve everything i'm asking for in my cup doesnt make me believe it or even allow it. someone asked me what i would do if i got everything i asked for. the honest answer is i dont know. i've never gotten the whole cup. i probably wouldnt know what to do and could possibly even reject what it was that i thought i wanted. i think its like weightloss...people dream about the body that they think they want....so they work toward that fullcup....but in the end that may not be exactly what they get or it may not be as satisfying as they thought it would be. they are used to the little bit they get being satisfying enough.... right now i'm trying to decide what it is i want in my life and not in my life and the full cup question is very real and almost frightening. i know in theory what i have always said i wanted. but the truth is i dont know how to get there on my own. and i feel like if i cant get there on my own, how can i possibly get there with someone else...i think knowing what i truly want and not just how to get there but actually getting there might help me draw the type person who can go with me.... i often wonder how people find mates who truly want the same things they do. i am also often jealous. many of my friends who never really wanted to be married or even cared about those types of things have very full filling marriages, children...all the things i wanted. it feels, often, as if somehow i have failed in this aspect of my life and i dont like it. but i am at a loss in how to change things so i dont repeat the same types of relationships i have had in the past. i know, and you know, that it takes two. i know what i need to work on and do in my own personal self in order to proceed how i want to. counseling, self study...whatever i can do...but i sometimes feel like even though i have changed i still find myself in the same types of relationships with the same types of people. its difficult to classify someone as a type but i see some very identifiable traits that have become more and more familiar to me....and maybe thats it...i see the familiar....the question is...i do i see what i'm looking for...not whats looking at me....

why is there only a teaspoon when i want a cup?

i'm a giver...i dont even know if its by nature...i think its more by accidental bad breeding...the women in my family on both sides....are taught to give not take... we give first eat last up first sleep last take nothing give all ask for nothing wish for everything before we can be deemed real women i am not allowed to crack...whatever that means it goes back to my friend who says i never cry.... i remember being a small girl....kneeling down on the floor and getting a huge carpenters staple in my knee. i remember taking a big breath and pulling it out and watch the blood reel down my leg...and never telling anyone...never asking for a bandaid...taking care of it all myself. i will be 36 years old soon and i still dont know how to ask for a bandaid...for you to help me...for you to comfort me.

if you get to where i am going

stop and think about what you are doing.... what exactly is it that makes you want to do this... why make promises you cant keep.... because you can... or because somewhere you mean them but cant keep them... i dont get it.... i want to get it... but i cant.... its like a lodge with no poles i know how to put it up i know how to keep it there-- whats in place to make it my home until then its just a bundle of canvas wishes and nothing else no shelter no freedom think about that before you think about you... think about me before you decide about home... i am not a landing spot... i am the nest.

courage is waking up in the morning.

i am tired and taxed....today felt like the end all over again...i remember saying to myself one day months ago....i never want to feel like this again...i never want to miss and hate the same person...to know i didnt sleep, to feel raw and wounded, to wait or wish or want and to have nothing to show for it. the hardest part is to have the joy and deep feeling of love and wishing mixed into the rawness and the wounds.... there was no way to stand up straight, no way to feel perfect and content or even present.... when it all comes down to it, i dont care what others think of my decisions...i only care how i feel about them....are they right, are they wrong...is it more hurtful than joyful....i dont know. the past never was my friend. in the past i am broken. damaged. wounded. a child. the future holds what little hope i remember.

Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option

crystal clear

there are moments that define us....so much so that as they are happening, we know that in this moment, our lives will change. i had that moment last night. i am still reflecting on it today. connections arent broken just because we want them to be. we have to deny them and pretend they dont exist. until....maybe....they dont... i am confused. sad. happy. mired in the depths of illusion and truth. nothing is easy. even non-decision isnt easy...it is painful and emotionally expensive. i'm not even sure i can cover the debt of that expense....

the clothes question

theres been a lot of questions about how much weight i've lost since i started running. the answer is none... NONE.... really and i'm ok with that for now. the reason i started running was because after MONTHS of regimented eating and exercising I was losing very little or not at all most weeks. since i started working out in september i've lost 13 pounds...not exactly reflective of the work i've put in (namely 2 hours a day at the gym burning 1300 calories while eating 1400 a day for 4 months). i need to keep exercising. so i had to form some new goals. while i havent lost the weight, i am no longer on any medication. none. at all....which was the reason i took up the vigorous plan anyway. i'm too young to worry about high blood pressure and ulcers. i needed outlets and i found them in exercise. dont get me wrong there are many days i havent worked out. just lately i was on a running hiatus for about 2 weeks. i think i overtrained and my hips hurt to walk so instead of pushing myself i actually let them heal. i walked everyday but that didnt seem like enough...and wouldnt you know it...i actually lost a pound that week. the first step out the door is always the hardest...which is why on the 12 mile run i made someone drop me off....so there would be no turning back. i've had the same clothes for years. i tend to buy rose new things and not worry too much about myself. but i'm at a place where the clothes that looked cute last summer dont this summer...because they dont fit right...now i could take them all in but 1/2 the fun of toning up or losing weight is the option to wear different clothes. i think rose knows that i dont buy clothes for myself. and i dont want her to feel bad that i buy her things... so last week i had all these macy's coupons and i decided that i needed to set a better example. its good to take care of other people but its important to take care of yourself too. that includes your clothes, your hair and the other outward and inward things that make us feel good. i'm happy to announce that i've moved down a whole size almost 2. the cute black capri pants i bought are in a size that i dont remember ever wearing....not just the recent past...i mean ever...so i'm exciting...they're a little tight...i was telling rose this and she said well its a just a little motivation to keep going...and its true...like i've said i'll take motivation whereever i can get it...so we'll see if they're too big by summers end. i was talking to a mom of rose's friends and she gave me some good food for thought. she told me that several years ago she was heavier than i am now. she wanted to lose weight but the scale is as much a deterrent as it is a motivator. she told me that she ran 3 times a week, walked during her lunch hour and did aerobics 2 times a week. and she NEVER got on the scale...at all...only once a month would she take her measurements....thats how she kept track. and shes very fit now. so i might try her plan...measurements instead of actual weight and only once a month....it would be like breaking up with a bad friend to put my scale away...but it might be just what i need....that and some new summer shorts...

where we at?

my posts keep getting further and further apart. work is really busy right now. yesterday i ran 12 miles....yes in a row....all at once...and i let go of the crutch that my ipod has been to just relax and enjoy what i knew i could do....i had my brother drop me off 12 miles from my house in the mountains. the beginning of the run was awesome...i ran along the canal listening to the birds, watching for bears and it was all very enjoyable. everything was going along pretty well. i realized about 6 miles in, i hadnt brought enough water. or gum..again those were mental crutches not actual physical needs. everything was moving along, i felt good, i kept my pace.... and then i could feel two things---1. that after 3 months of running in my fancy fabulous pink brooks....they are flat and not so bouncy and my knees will confirm that. 2. i could feel in the arch of my left foot what started out as a soreness and moved its way into what felt like a blister the size of my fist. but i kept going. to the next tree...to the next power pole until i got the 3 mile left mark....then i walked a bit...its hard for me to know when to lay off....or keep going...im more likely to keep going than to lay off...the blister felt bigger, my knees were sore...i ran a little, walked a little...then ran the last mile-ish...i like to leave about .3 miles at the end of my runs to walk it out. i've been obsessed with my time...not to be faster just to be conistent. yesterdays challenge was to admit to myself that it was alright that my overall time was at a pace thats slower than what i would walk on the treadmill...but that it shouldnt discredit the fact that i ran 9 miles continuously. finishing is my goal...the 1/2 is about one month away....i know i'll finish and then set a few new goals. by the way...the blister was the size of a pin head....

you were always on my mind

last night rose and i were driving home from crow. i had to be over there for work for the last 5 days. we stopped at a truck stop and i decided to buy a cd for the ride home. there were two cds i wanted....each one holds a different period of my life. i ended up buying willie nelson. always on my mind. about the time that album came out, so did walkmans. i remember my mom bought one for my dad for christmas and the tape she bought to go with it was this willie nelson album. i was about 11. as i told rose last night, i fell in love with the sound of willie nelson's voice on his version of bridge over troubled water originally done by simon and garfunkel. even to hear the song now makes me teary. i remember driving with my dad to crow for business or tribal council meetings or for him to meet with clients and we would take turns listening to his walkman. there are very distinct memories of those songs rolling out onto the plains with me taking me to where i needed to go. its those moments, the times you think are meaningless that shape a child's life. not living there anymore makes me sad for the things my daughter doesnt experience. so many things i leared about being crow were revealed in the everydayness of just being and being around people who are. there are things she gets here about being salish....i just wonder how to provide her both....willie nelson shaped my life with that one album and everything after that...my father shaped my life with all of those hours spent following him around. my daughter shapes my life when i try to remember what was most important to me and figure out a way to convey that to her....its all on my mind....

shiny happy nothing

its been a few weeks. as usual, theres a lot to tell and really nothing. i'm up to running 10 miles at a time for the long run. yeah yeah...its losing a little of its glimmer...i have to find ways to keep it shiny, i guess... i went out the other night and met a very nice man. he certainly makes the short go round but he's got his own situation to deal with right now...its just nice to know that sometimes someone will show up just in time to give you alittle hope. i've heard about him from my friends who thought we should meet. it gave me a little hope but i dont know how long lasting.... because i think part of what is losing its glimmer is me....for a while i've felt very confident, very ballsy...and believing that the world that i want could be mine...and maybe its just an off week or so but i dont feel like that. i feel like no matter how how hard i wish and and want and work...i'm not sure i'll ever get there. i'm not sure how hard i try to do the right thing and not go back into the past, the future is ever coming. because, well...i'm waiting...believe me, i know the future is right now just like right now, its the past. but in a moment like this it feels like its all standing still hanging there and there is no place to go to find what i'm looking for.

100 posts

in 100 posts i've said alot and said very little...its been a long 8 months...its been a good time...its sucked some days...but here i am on the other side of winter, writing my 100th post. so some news: 1. yesterday, i ran 8 miles...no shit, 8 miles...did i run every step of it...almost...all told i probably walked 1/2 a mile...it wasnt fast but the route wasnt flat either...i'm prouder yet that on mile 2 i was getting my groove and who should drive by...of course....jb...there i was...RUNNING...ok it looks like jogging but its moving no matter what...and i kept running...so there...it phased me for about 1/2 mile and then i got back on board and did what i was there to do....and i wasnt sore afterward or today...i'm a beast...in a good way.... 2. Never allow somebody to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option. on face book a girl i've known has this in her quote and all i can say is amen sista amen...she's newly single after about 6 years...its hard...i think everybody knows its hard...i am amazed at some of my friends who can walk away from relationships in a positive way and even remain friends with their exs...its a phenomenon that i'm not sure how to accomplish...but certainly admire. it definitely takes two. 3. i'm back to my old volunteering self these days...for so long while i was making someone a priority who was leaving me as only an option, i stopped doing lots of the things i loved...and when it was all over i felt the isolation i had developed. so i'm on a couple of different board of directors for organizations i really care about. i'm volunteering in other communitty things and networking. i'm not networking for jobs or to get something out of it, i'm doing it because i like to meet people, i like to be social and the only way to not be alone where i live is to get myself out into the world... 4. i cant believe how busy we are with everything right now...rose has a million and one things going on..school will be over in a few weeks. i have to go out of town for work that weekend but then summer will be just as busy...i start a contract position for the summer and she starts all her summer camps...maybe we'll be home;) 5. i'm sorting out friendships and how i want them to exist in my life. i dont expect to get everything from everybody....i dont. i know who my friends are for certain things...but the ones i am close to, i expect certain loyalties. the decision is...do i keep a friend who hasnt been loyal or let them go entirely...and if i do keep them...do i keep them as close or move them out to a friend for certain things situation. its not easy...i have cut people out for less but i'm trying to learn to be flexible, forgiving...and in lots of situations i am both of those...because theres lots of things i dont care about...but i do care about being hurt and once you've hurt me and i mean really hurt me...then its more difficult to be those things. 6. its funny someone today said i never cry....and i told them i cry all the time...they didnt believe me....maybe their vision of me is the tough exterior version...but really i cry all the time...things that make me happy...things that make me sad...frustrated...everything....like 2 weeks ago when two parents got in my face...i was so pissed off that i was on the verge of crying...when i see rose run or dance or perform..i cry...when i'm driving down the road and i think of things i cry....late last summer and early fall...i would cry everyday on the way to work and everyday on the way...i was that unhappy about my job, my life everything...just because i dont cry in front of you doesnt mean i dont cry....

mother's day

there is no way to come from my mother and be weak.... in fairness, there is no way to come from my parents and fail...ever.... i am a girl who have been given every opportunity, whether you know it or not...chances that may never come again...and i cant let them pass...14 years ago i became a mother myself....alone...but not alone...in the crow way, your mother's family is the most important...they teacher you all the lifeskills...your fathers family is to keep you humble and equally grounded...my daughter has the fathers i had....my daddy, my brothers, my uncles...the men who raised me...in a traditional setting that she doesnt even realize exists. and everyday i am proud of her...the person she is...the wisdom she has,the drive and determination that comes from generations before her... i miss the little girl who watched cartoons but i enjoy the grown up girl that i can have real conversations with who gets this that i would have never understood at her age. i love my mom, i love being a mom and everyday i miss the women who raised me....but i know what i have and can be thankful for that...

granting me....

there are lots of rumors and stories that pass through peoples live everyday. sometimes those happen to be the truth...sometimes they are the truth as other people perceive it. last night i heard somethings that for now are rumors but may end up being the truth. and it honestly devastated me. i had bad dreams, didnt sleep very well and felt crazy when i woke up this morning...i've felt like that before....when we'd fight or threaten to break up, waiting for somebody who never showed up....finding out the truth was really lies....i couldnt put it out of my mind. even during my run... i was lucky enough to have something else to focus on for a few hours...a softball game...and when i was done and someone asked me the question regarding how i felt about the rumor....i felt ok...truth or not....its not my problem anymore. theres nothing i can do to change the past. nothing i can do to take back the decade...i'm where i'm at now...and i can only move forward not lateral and not back... i feel alot of responsibility in my life...i always have...for people, for things, for culture and history. and i dont think theres anything i can do to stop that feeling. but at some point i have to be able to walk away from responsibilities that arent mine and that in the long run or even the immediate, hurt me and who i'm trying to be. those rumors and truth can do that....if i let them. when you work recovery programs, you learn the serenity prayer early on. the lesson i'm learning right now is that i've taken all my courage to change the things i can....when really those things were unchangeable and i didnt want to see them or accept them. and i'm glad to finally know the difference.

what the hell do i keep doing?

So i'm fortunate to have a lot of good support. What i mean by that is that there are people out there, who maybe i consider more acquaintances than friends, who cheer me on whenever i see them. today i ran into one of those women. we talked about my race, we briefly talked about the drama and then she talked me into doing a triathlon relay....what the hell? i'm so excited and proud of myself for running the whole bloomsday race that i feel like i should just keep making bigger plans...crazier plans...plans that fall into the category of "things skinny girls do". thats really the demon i wrestle with sometimes. even if you dont consciously think it, theres lots of voices in your head and mine that say....i'm too heavy to do that...she's too heavy to do that...thats stuff skinny girls do, not me...well i thought that way too...sometimes i still think that way. but i showed myself differently. i can run a whole race. i was self conscious in running especially running along side of mr. superfit. so when i started running this time, i really thought about what will make me comfortable, confident, available to do this kind of thing. first i bought the shoes. when i tried to start running in october, my shoes werent big enough so i had a blue toenail on each foot. then i tried to find the right sports bra or something that wouldnt make me feel the jiggle. i like to watch the biggest loser...alot..it inspires me...sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way...and by negative i mean, i see some of those women who weigh more than i do, sometimes by 100 lbs and i think if that woman can haul her ass around that track so can you....but i kep thinking how do they get over the ever distracting jiggle...so i researched it...they use "compression garments" also known as girdles...those bike shorts they wear are superlycra so that they dont jiggle. everything stays together. and i thought well i have a couple of those...so i tried them and it was amazing...not only does it help me from being self conscious, it also helps me hold a better posture and contract my abs while running. i told my sister in law that one day when she has some overweight woman come to her about running...she can tell her the secret to running is a girdle...really... so my friend who is a swimmer and i are trying to plan a triathlon...all we need is a biker...and we're in...i could bike but i'd have to buy one... so 8 months ago, i was an super unhealthy unhappy woman who needed to pull my life together, transfuse the bad with the good and get on with my life...here i am working out 5-6 days a week, running 12k races and training for a 1/2 marathon. i'd like to say that an enormous amount of weight has come off but it hasnt...but i feel happier, i am healthier and have a mental ability i didnt know i had....so whats a triathlon in the mix or even a marathon by september...theres nothing (and no one) telling me i cant...

for a second

i thought maybe i was being alittle too harsh about the whole run in with jb. and now i think maybe i havent been harsh enough. he never regarded any of my friends as his friends...and actually didnt have much good to say about anyone. so i have this one friend who hangs out with him and says hello to him and all that. i've tried to explain that when my friend hangs out with jb it makes me feel weird...because, 1. the friend never tells me that they have hungout(and i usually find out 2nd hand) and 2. i know they are talking about me because after i confront my friend about hanging out with jb then they tell me what happens. i dont like it enough to consider not being friends with this person anymore. anytime i even mention jb, this friend always sticks up for him even when there is nothing to stick up for him about. i'm not saying people cant all be cool with each other. i talk to people in jbs family all the time. but i dont hangout with them...i have declined every invitation to do so since we broke up. when i talk to them, i dont talk about him. i usually just say hello and thats it. there are a million other things in the world to talk about besides him (although this blog might not represent that;)) and i dont hangout with your exes. if i was your friend first, and i only hungout with your dates because they were with you...i'm probably not gonna go out for beers with them after you break up. and i'm certainly not gonna talk about you with them except to say good things.

bloomsday the A side.

bloomsday was this weekend. i started doing bloomsday a couple of years ago because my friend brian said it might be a cool race to try. the first time, i went with jb, our girls and my friend lyr. we did the race and my friend watched the girls who didnt want to race. it was hard. i didnt know what to expect and i was far more out of shape. so with all the training i'm doing i thought bloomsday fit in perfectly with my schedule. rose is old enough and talented enough to run the whole thing and my friend lyr want to do it too. i was excited and nervous. i've been working up to this distance but in the last two weeks my training has been off. because of the weather and other things. 7.46 miles is not a distance i have ever run...sure i can walk anything but i wanted to be able to run the whole thing. just like i want to run the whole 1/2 marathon...not just walk it...i know it would still be an accomplishment to walk either race...but thats not my goal. as i said in the last post, i was thrown off alittle when i got there. but while i was standing at that start line...i knew i could do it...i knew i could run the whole thing...yes i had something to prove. sometimes, its ok to find motivation in things that hurt us. he hurt me, his words many times told me that i couldnt or he tried to motivate me by being negative and saying he was only trying to help. thats how i got to working out 6 days a week. he told me i didnt try hard enough or i slacked off too much...which is what got me to training for this marathon...and bloomsday. i had something to prove and i've proved it. but to be fair, if it wasnt his voice saying those things, its other peoples voices and sometimes, my own....along the way, i've found out how strong i am. i like working out. i like running and i'm going to keep pursuing this because it makes me feel good. several posts ago i wrote about how i wanted to make things that had been "ours" into new memories. so bloomsday was all of those things. he obviously is doing the same thing.... back to the start line...it was kind of cold but not too bad. i had my gear on...the only thing i really had to conquer was my mind. i made a deal with myself...i had to run until doomsday hill, then i could walk it and run to the end. i wanted to be able to say i ran everything and i had a goal of 1 hour 45 minutes. i didnt have to be superfast as long as i was always running. the first mile was a killer, only because the people hadnt spread out and i couldnt find my pace...then theres a hill which i ran...slowly but i ran it. rose had run off ahead...i encouraged her to run for time because if she ran with me...theres not much she could do for me...i have to do it for myself.... the first four miles were easy....ok maybe not easy but i've done that before so i knew i could. doomsday is about 4.5 miles into the race.i had to walk it...my knees were starting to ache. but i knew that as soon as i got to the top, i'd grab some water and go...and i did. it was a good little break. i knew i would finish. i just had to keep going. at mile 6 i had a stern talk with myself about starting to walk now when i had already come this far....but my knee was aching and i was distracted by the amount of snot in my head. i always run with kleenex or a hankie...this time i only had 2 kleenex which were shreaded and yucky by mile 2 but i kept using them. i used my only option...which was my jacket...thank god its washable...finally at mile 7 i thought i had quite a bit more to go, my knee needed a break and i had to walk....for about 10 steps until i realized...that i was at the corner...the turn that leads you downhill to the finish line.... as i started down the hill, i could hear the people cheering...i almost started to cry...because i was proud of myself...i was happy...i had worked for something and been able to accomplish exactly what i set out to do...on my own... there are lots of things lately, that remind me, when i want to give up....that i'm at that corner...that i can turn it and run to the finish line....on my own...with my own strength and my own body. i landed across the finish line at 1hour and 43 minutes...2 minutes faster than my goal...

bloomsday...the fucked up B side.

I think i'm all done being nice...and lets get the fucked up stuff out of the way... i saw him again in spokane washington at the bloomsday race. i have to go 2 states away to come within 4 feet of him. i knew he was around i could feel it. i was hoping with 50,000 other people there i wouldnt see him...whats the chance? but as we were leaving the race checkin, there he was coming down the hall. he said hello to my friend. not to me. my friend claims that he said hello to jb first. it doesnt matter. jb made a point of saying hello to my friend who was furthest away from him and not even looking at me (who was less than 4 ft aways from him). it threw me off. and made me feel sad. and then pissed me off.... my friend even asked if i wanted to go home. hell, no! i trained for this race and even having the inconsiderate bastard be there wasnt going to ruin that. if anything, it made me want to run more...faster, the whole race. anger is a terrifying motivator. it took me awhile to shake it all off. most of the night. i didnt want to run into him anymore. i hoped he wasnt in the same color group as me. i ran all of the ickiness in my mind....and then...as we were getting on the hotel elevator...rose saw him get off the elevator next to us...he was in the same fucking hotel.....at least, as far as i know, he wasnt on the same floor. but i also had a feeling who he was with...he was with his ex-girlfriend. the woman he cheated on me with in round one! she's the mother of his daughter and he always seems to run back to her. i cant be sure that he didnt cheat on me again during round 2. she used to call him drunk in the middle of the night telling him how much she loved him and to come get her....and for all i know, when i wasnt around...he probably did....like i said several posts ago, the more i find out about what he was doing while we were together, the more i find out that he certainly wasnt committed to me and probably not faithful either. if theres ever a real motivator to move on...its that whole situation. if its not his bromance with his "best friend", its his on going romance with the mother of his daughter. do i know that they arent "just friends"? no but do i need to know? no because i wouldnt believe it anyway with all the lies already laid out. and a little hint that women want to share with men...if you're going to cheat...step up....cheat with someone one hotter, smart, richer, thinner ....something....but dont backslide...because it makes you look like the asshole you already are....but are trying to pretend you arent...i hope it works out for him with her this time...

sometimes i wonder

what i should tell you next.... things are going...softball is coming along. tonight i ump'ed a game and both coaches bitched at me. maybe i was raised in a different school of thought but you dont challenge the ump. because i can rail the game anyway i want and i can throw you out of the game...i teach my girls that each ump is different and we cant argue with them...all we can do is move onto the next ball and make the best play that we can... i think right now thats the philosophy of my life...next ball...i read somewhere when i started coaching several years ago that if you ask a champion what they do when they make a bad play the answer is consistently...move onto the next ball..next play...whatever...if you dwell you lose... i dont want to dwell...i cant say i'm over things but i'm moving on...things are not so sordid and deep anymore... i've got lots of plans in the works. i feel liberated to be able to pass up jobs that would offer me security but not happiness. in the past i think i mistook security for happiness and i am now fully aware that they are not the same thing. in many respects i had the security of a relationship...by knowing what to expect (and not expect) and knowing all of the rules we played by. that was secure but by no means was it happiness.... sometimes i feel lost but sometimes i feel secure in knowing who i am and what i've got....i think on any given day it varies. so while i was concerned before, i'm ok with private practice, i'm ok with being alone, just like i've been ok to parent by myself for the last 15 years. security in knowing what exists hasnt been enough. i want happiness and i am willing to create it for myself by myself if thats all there is.

did you know its called "bromance"?

i didnt....but today i found an article about it on about.com....i didnt know it had a name. and i didnt know other women suffered through it too....wow i feel almost liberated...if i wasnt busy regretting every moment...i know i shouldnt but right now i do...maybe its the angry stage...maybe its just the truth....i mean theres nothing i can do about it now but i certainly feels good to maintain an opinion about it.

hows it going?

its busier than i can even begin to tell you. for some reason my very-limited practice is especially crazy right now. court dates, paperwork everything...clients who want to talk for hours at a time. i feel bad billing them for the time but i've offered several ways to alleviate hour long phone calls and told them as much. i also told them the point was so that they wouldnt get charged the hourly rate....but hey its not my money, and they have been fully apprised. softball should be fun. these little girls are still moldable...i mean that in a eager to learn sort of way. i like that about 12 year olds....old enough to understand not too old and full of attitude. i loved coaching...really it was the parents that i didnt enjoy. its softball folks...your daughter is never going to play olympic softball or even college ball...if you want her to, you should be taking her to camps and having her play summer competitive league too...if you dont...dont put that shit on me...i'm a volunteer. i've always been a volunteer. and if you want to bitch about how i coach...you had every opportunitty not just to come to practice and help but also to be the coach. this year, i'm coaching because nobody else would do it. my kid isnt even on the team. so if you want to complain....shut up....and do what you've been doing...nothing.... rose is off in a million things. yesterday she had a solo at music festival and then a track meet. tomorrow, the orthodontist, school, track practice, volleyball open gym and then taekwondo....holy crap i dont know how she does it. there are days she wants to keep going. this weekend was the powwow. but we didnt go because at some point, we all need to sleep. everybody in my house was asleep by 11 last night. for some reason my sleep is off lately. i'm trying to get myself back to a morning schedule. the sunshine helps alot. tomorrow i have to get everything done so i can go to rose's track meet in kalispell on tuesday. she runs the 2 mile which is always the last event of the day. but she also does long jump and triple jump which is somewhere mixed in the middle. we're back to living out of the car because we've got places to go and things to see. this weekend we are going to see my folks and go to a taekwondo tournament. when i did my taxes last week, i realized i put 40,000 miles on my car last year. i know! work, lots of trips home, tournaments, games and everything else. maybe even more this summer....the sunshine has been good so far....

in case you think i've slipped....

i dont have to write it because my girl leona lewis already covered it.... Better in Time.... It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through Going coming thought I heard a knock Who's there no one Thinking that I deserve it Now I realize that I really didn't know If you didn't notice you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All that I know is I'mma be ok [Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time I couldn't turn on the TV Without something there to remind me Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh Hurt my feelings but that's the path I'll believe in And I know time will heal it If you didn't notice boy you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All I know is I'mma be ok [Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time Since there's no more you and me It's time I let you go So I can be free And live my life how it should be No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you Yes I will Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do) It'll all get better in time

i am.

you know that i am so much more than just this. but its been a relief to have somewhere to dump it all. so look forward to more of that and less of this....

dont think

that all of this sadness and angst has gone to waste. i know how i got here. i know what i want. i know that if i ever try this all again that i'll know when to say when. or say not at all....

its over

i can tell you today that its over.... it isnt always easy to get to a place where you know its over. it seems to weave its way through things until one day, something makes you stop and realize that things keep moving and life has and will go on. i saw him a few days ago. actually i saw his car. i still have the instinct that alerts me to his presence. maybe it will go away maybe it wont. but its less and less unsettling. i had been in a court hearing all morning. it was only supposed to go for maybe 45 minutes.....four hours later. i was late for lunch with a friend. i pulled into a parking spot and there it was. and for a brief moment, i felt my plans derail. i had planned to go my favorite coffee shop which is also his favorite coffee shop and work after i finished the hearing. then go do my training workout. but seeing his car, i knew he was already there. now its not that i couldnt go in there when he was there too....i could, then he would probably leave. but i just dont feel like putting myself in that position. later while at lunch i saw him come out of there and walk across the street. like a stranger....someone who's life i no longer knew. i can only tell you about his past, our past and speculate on the present, the future. its difficult to tell people that i loved him from the very first moment i really talked to him.that was 11 years ago. it took nothing but that immediate connection. i always felt like he was a part of me, but i never felt like i was a part of him. it has taken me months and months to put aside any love i have for him and move forward. its not that i dont love him still...its that i cant give any of that to him....and i wont. he is becoming a stranger. somebody asked me if i could would i do it all over it again. and i told them sadly but honestly, no. i wouldnt. he was my best friend in that he knew all of the most vulnerable parts of my being and i knew his. but he was my worst enemy in using those to his advantage. we became strangers even before it was finished. i couldnt be myself and he couldnt be himself. i wouldnt do it over. but any question like that is all in theory and here i am now, 11 years later, moving on. i still have dreams about him but everything is with less frequency. my sad feelings, the happy feelings. the reminiscing. i know that i have done the only thing i can do which is to let time pass. to better myself and to keep going. hoping for greatness, but being satisfied just to wake up in the morning....

a thought

i went out last night with a bunch of my friends. i had one social appearance to make and then moved onto some random bar i've never been to..... and it was a great time, lots of fun, lots of laughs, a jukebox, some pool, the only gay man in the whole bar immediately zeroing in on me (its a gift).... and this morning in thinking about the evening, it all seemed different. for the first time in a really long time, and i do mean, realllllyyyy long, i didnt think about him, i didnt feel like something was missing. i didnt wonder what he was doing or reminisce about places we had been or songs we played on the jukebox.... and its a relief. it was just me, having fun.... now when i think about it for a moment, that kind of letting go makes me sad. but in the moment of it, it allows me to be present, to be fully aware, to have a good time without guilt or wonder. and thats whats a relief. so much of my time was spent trying to accommodate someone who didnt really want to be accommodated nor did he want to accommodate me. to find the balance of selfless and selfish gives me a huge release....an opportunity for things to just be about me. maybe people dont think that, but rarely is my life ever about me. even when it should be, i've changed the course to make it about other people. i had a baby young. i had a career and education. then i had a relationship and all of those things came before me. i cant think of a time when i've gone out and its just been about me...not worrying about other people or who was where and with whom. if everything was alright....my choices in life reflect that...my work, the person i chose to have a relationship with, my volunteerism, etc. its all very apparent. so last night was a good lesson. people say once you've experienced something it makes repeating it easier and easier. my work is to make things about me and allow them to be...in my head.

quick random drive-by posting

yesterday makes it seven months....i'm better, not over it, but better. the thoughts are more fleeting and temporary, even the good ones and i'm moving on. its been difficult but i'll be honest and say that i thank him for not answering when i call. i'm glad that he can be strong enough to stay away (maybe its not strength...maybe thats truly what he wants...either way) because i know, he knows, shit you know...that he wont give me what i want. and i deserve what i want. do i wish him well right now? maybe...but i'm angry and the more i find out the angrier and sadder i get about it...but it passes quickly and i get on with my life. rose had her first track meet yesterday...that kid is incredible...always tries her hardest...always puts in the work to really improve...shes a good example to me.... next week, i start coaching softball again. i liked coaching the 12 year olds. it was the 14 year old girls that put me over the edge. so it should be fun.... i'm glad to have had the last 6 months on a leisurely schedule...because spring promises none of that. theres a race in a month. i've found someone to train me for the 1/2 marathon in july. i did my first outdoor, training scheduled work out today. and i felt good about it. i appreciate the days when i can appreciate what my body can do. i've got more cases coming in to my private practice and am finishing more with my judgeship. all prove to be exciting. powwow season is starting and i have been sewing and creating pretty consistently. i'm back in a cleaning mood...not like wall washing but cleaning house, getting rid of things, passing stuff onto other people who need or will appreciate it more. today i gave a gift that had been given to me several years ago onto my cousin who i know will put it to good use. its not just the strength of out of sight out of mind with those kind of reminders but i feel ready to let some of them go...and i'm glad. my social schedule is starting to fill up...not with dates...i'm still not comfortable with that but just with getting out with my friends, having fun, laughing and being around people that i enjoy.

next week i'm giving a talk at the law school about what i've been doing....what i've been doing is falling down ten times and getting up eleven.

on the subject of dates...when you suggest someone to me...please tell me why you think we'd like each other...a couple of people have suggested guys that i have nothing in common with except being single...believe me...its not enough...that doesnt mean i wont get to know them but i want someone who makes me laugh, who is kind and generous, and can balance the chasm between selfishness and selflessness. someone who values family and culture and who would feel just as comfortable drinking a bud light at the silver dollar as a martini at a dc reception...because thats the kind of stuff i do and goes along with my work and life....powwow and rodeo would be an added bonus:) ok i think thats a list you can all work off of.... remember to wave at me when i run by you....

the lent report

its funny how as soon as you say you arent going to do something, you do it...in full force...for no apparent reason. i gave up self sabotage for lent and in the weeks since lent started, i appear to have done nothing but.... it started with me slowly not keeping good track of my food. then to slowing down my workouts, or skipping my workouts. i keep my mileage on a calendar next to my work desk so i can see how much or how little i have done in a week. and its been lacking... then that seemed to give me permission to keep slacking, to eat bad and drink too much... which then somehow all ends in one big berating...part of my need to work out has been to get out of my mind, to stop listening to the voices that tell me i cant or better yet tell me even if i do, i'll still suck. lately i seem to be struggling with the rejection part of the grieving process. its been an underlying current all the way through this but i didnt want to admit it until now. i know there are viable, reasonable answers for all of the questions i ask myself but it never stops the current of rejection that i feel. i ask myself and others....i gave everything, he gave nothing and yet he doesnt want me...he can still walk away cleanly and happily and keep going on about his life. and he has. i know that i'm the one who ended it but it still feels as though he rejected me not the other way around. its been nothing but a huge emptiness. even when i can talk about, i know that it wasnt a good place for me to be, it wasnt transparent and the more i find out, the less trust i should have given him. but it doesnt reduce the amount of rejection i feel. and its a really lonely kind of rejection....i keep wanting an answer i know isnt coming. i used to talk to my therapist about wanting to just know why and she reminded me that i may never know and even if i did, how would it matter, why would it matter, it wouldnt change how things ended or were in our relationship. there are things i have been putting off doing for the last 6 months or so, just in case, in case of what i dont know...maybe that we could be friends, because i know theres no reconciliation. i know that if i proceed with those things it will seal the final nail and maybe thats what i have been afraid of. but i realize i'm still trying to give to someone who not only doesnt want it but wont give anything back...ever....period....so its time to address those things. soon. and know what i know on the face of things, that after that, theres no turning back. so today i'm resolving just to get through today...no big heroic deeds have to get done, no deep liberating feelings have to be accomplished. i just need to get from here to there without destroying the accomplishments i have.

thinking

everyday i think of things i want to blog...then i dont...for whatever reason. maybe i dont want to talk about it..again...maybe i forget...whatever...but there always seems to be lots to tell and i havent been doing much telling.

you can....

so for all of this time i have really tried to be civil about this whole breakup...somehow civil means to not badmouth or even lay blame or possibly criticize....and deep inside maybe wish for reconciliation or at least friendship....and well, fuck....i'm over that...now...today.... i know that some of you have things that you didnt say out of respect for me...maybe not respect for him but for me you didnt badmouth him...you didnt tell me other things or there were things you assumed i knew....i would ask you as my friends to assume this....that i knew nothing...tell me everything...because as i put all the pieces together....and really i am on the need to know basis right now...it helps me keep perspective...it helps me be real...it helps me stay in the present and not go back to the past...the present says you are exactly where you need to be...the past says maybe i should have done something different .....and right now i am not willing to listen to the past.... its hard to separate myself from the last ten years but the further i delve....the more i know...the more i learn that i was the only one invested...i was the only one who gave a shit....and why should i deny that i am now angry about that? because before i was embarrassed by the fact that i gave all this time, all this love, all this energy to someone who didnt feel the same.....it made me feel stupid for investing everything i had into someone who didnt even let me know who he really was....as i put the pieces together now...i'm starting to see who he was.... in the last post i admitted that i believe in signs...i do and today was full of them...signs that i should have paid attention to...signs that i saw over the last ten years and ignored...signs that are now so obvious that i cant ignore them anymore without admitting my stupidity....fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me....fooling me 3 times makes me stupid....which i just refuse to be. dont be afraid to tell me....because i need to know...spring is here and new life begins....mine yours and everything around us...it doesnt always pay to be polite or considerate of someone who doesnt deserve my loyalty... i need to know...

get set....go....

the marathon... well since rose is in track we agreed to run bloomsday together...i really do love that she is old enough to pursue things with like races but still my baby enough to need her momma.... we used to do races together before but we would run part of it and walk part of it and i was always worried about working her too hard...now i think she's worried about working me too hard....i love that girl... today at track practice she got athlete of the week....and she deserves it...her gift to me is to always show me that she puts everything she has into what ever she is doing (except maybe the housework but you know housework isnt high on the list of things to be done well). she works hard, she trains hard and she is dedicated...and i admire and feel like it makes me step up more because i need to show her that i am dedicated too... last night on the biggest loser, the teams had to run a 1/2 marathon which is what i agreed to do in the summer. some people call those coincidences...i call them signs...i saw so many of them finish what they started in 3 hours 2 hours whatever....i know i can...because there is a voice out there telling me i cant....its a voice that may belong to me....or you...or somebody else from my life...and everyday i hear that voice....so i work up to not hearing it...or proving it wrong.... i'm treating myself to a heart rate monitor and a good sports bra and we're onto race season. i need a good trainer...not a jillian but a bob...