Tuesday, January 13, 2009
is it really weak?
to continue to care? lots of you have gotten my emergency texts about calling jb. and i've avoided it even when i want to the most...for lots of reasons, all of which i'm sure you can imagine. but the other night i couldnt anymore...so i called...and he answered on the last ring just as i was hanging up....i panicked...and finished closing my phone...i called back....no answer...i called again still no answer so i finally left a message...the message was no big deal other than to tell him that i just wanted to know he's ok and sorry that i panicked on the first call. i dont believe there will ever be a reply. somebody asked me why i want to call him after all of this...like i've said before...its difficult to go from being a major part of someone's life to nothing and its equally as difficult to have someone who is so important in your life one day and you cant call them the next.... the advice i've gotten is to think of all the shitty things he's done and i wont want to call him...and sometimes that works...bb's solution is always to remind me of the background noise in his life and believe me, that works everytime...but i still worry...i wish i could believe he still worried too...i know it all takes time...and somedays i dont even know why it matters. i'm not just missing the good times...i'm still missing all of it...in death there are transitions...the disbelief, the grief, the anger and then what? i think its the same in any kind of grief. i dont know how he feels so i cant tell you why he doesnt talk to me or whether or not he feels anything. i only know that little by little i am making new memories...new experiences but it never lets go of the old...i'm not sure how to do that yet. my friend suggested i go back to reading some of my self-help books to get through...i dont know, i read a lot of them in the beginning. i guess the point is that i spent all of yesterday beating myself for being "weak" and trying to call him. and wondering if he saw it as me being weak too...and thinking that the whole universe thinks i'm weak because i called...a whole day spent over what amounts to about a minute. its wasteful and worthless today but theres a tiny thread still standing that says dont call him, dont be weak....its not me trying to get back together with him...i mean certainly i miss him but it wouldnt be different...its me caring about someone and why should i be ashamed of that even if its unwanted and possibly unwarranted....i cant be ashamed to care about a person i've spent a decade caring about. christ, i still get teary over dogs that i've lost. over people dead 20 years. but i'm caring about someone in the present, right now and while i cant always express it to him, i dont think i should have to hide it especially from myself.... miss m says that great relationships are transparent. but i think to get to transparency i have to become transparent myself in how i feel, openly and honestly to myself most of all.