Saturday, January 10, 2009

stop... hold up...dont do it....

so i've been thinking about this one alot but last night confirmed my feelings on it... dont bad-mouth your own relative to their ex...i have been avoiding jb's family for the entire four months (its been four months). and last night confirmed why...at the basketball game, i ran into one of his relatives who said " i heard you two arent dating anymore" and i said "yeah its been like four months since we broke up...." them: "how long were you two together?" me: "ten years." them:"its alright, you'll find somebody better." notice they didnt say somebody else they said somebody BETTER.... i think if you know anything about me, you know that loyalty is extremely important to me. so important that it pains me to see other people not be loyal to their own family...i'm of the michael corleone philosophy that i can talk bad about my family if i want to, but if you talk bad about my family, i will beat your ass....and i mean it...that doesnt mean that i dont see my family or my own flaws because i do...but at the end of the day everything i have is because of my family and what i do is for them and i know that if i need them, no matter how much i may think anyone of them is a pain in the ass on any given day, they will be there come hell or highwater....and i'll clarify this: i have a large number of relatives but i dont consider all of them family. my family is very small and very loyal.... this isnt the first time this has happened in regard to my relationship. its the reason i have avoided them, because i knew that would be the response. i appreciated that most of his family liked me...not all and thats ok, because i didnt like some of them, but they are who he considers his family so i was respectful.... but its the 3rd time its happened in two weeks and i really really HAVE HAD ENOUGH. i have countered those comments before...he is a good person with a deep heart and caring far greater than people can believe. some of us were the only people who got to see that.... i didnt want the conversation to go any further...so i moved over to sit with my friends....and i told them what had been said. thank god for mo...who put it all into words for me... she said its insulting not just to him but to me too like i wasted ten years of my life with a bad choice. and its wrong for his family to act like that. loyalty is important and necessary.... i didnt waste ten years...some of the greatest moments of my life happened then. we just wanted different things and who can fault people for knowing what they want? maybe them saying that is intended to make things easier but i dont know how...it doesn't make me feel better...it only makes me sadder and still protective. once someone very close to him said something very similar and i felt like i had to tell him. at the time i felt like disclosure was necessary as part of a transparent relationship but i also know that i told him partly to hurt him, to show him that other people saw my worth in his life....and after i did it, i felt terrible because i knew that it hurt him even if he didnt want to admit it. for him to know that those people didnt have enough loyalty to say it to him rather than about him hurt him. i still fucking feel terrible for say it and i'm sorry that i ever did. i'm sorry that i used it as a way to hurt him. even if i cant tell him i'm sorry, i am. because intentionally hurting people no matter what, is weak. and weakness is preventable. just keep your lips together until the moment passes...you'll be better for it and so will i.... so if i see your ex...i'm not gonna say oh yeah good job because they sucked and you deserve so much better...even if its the truth...keep it to yourself...why? because people have loyalty even when its sometimes not necessary...if you say it to me, i will still defend him because if i dont it somehow negates my responsibility in my relationship...i was equally as good and equally as at fault for the whole thing...its not all me...and its not all him...how could it be? for the most part people havent said that to me....i have my faults and so did he and because there are two sides to every relationship...who can really lay blame? maybe you didnt love him, maybe his friends didnt love me...but just support me and just support him and dont tell me what a complete asshole he was or maybe what a complete asshole i was, because honestly there is nobody who is harder on themselves about what we did wrong that i am. and nobody misses what we did right as much as i do. i dont need to be reminded....just wish us luck that we can be happy and that things will heal and go on....i'm not hoping for BETTER just different....

1 comment:

Bridget said...

This is so insightful. I know you've said these things before to me in conversations- i remember the last painful breakup. And I think it also points out where some of his insecurities could come from- if your own family will stab you in the back, how can you trust anyone? I wish you BOTH peace and blessings in the new year.