Sunday, January 18, 2009

sometimes i feel like the only one

i know that overall my life is going really well...i'm not dying, i havent had to really work and i'm getting to focus on myself....but i feel very alone in the sense of mourning whats happening in my life....it seems stupid to me, and i do mean stupid, that most days, i feel like i am the only one who misses that relationship. including the other participant. i know its possibly unreasonable but i guess that i dont know that its probably unreasonable...the difficulty right now isnt that the feeling is rational, its just that its the overwhelming feeling...how did this start after i have been feeling so strong and on track? his cousin invited me to be her friend on myspace. i was looking through her pictures and there was a picture, taken very recently, of him and he looked so happy. it wasnt the imagined-put-on happy, it was a look of happiness i havent seen on him in a long time and whats worse i guess is that i begrudge him that. of course i say i want him to be happy and i want him to find what and who makes him happy. but if i'm honest, i guess i wish i knew that all of this hurts him as much as it hurts me and i dont know that and because i know the situation, i dont believe that. and not only does it make me feel stupid, its makes me feel alone....why do i always feel like the only one invested? why do i feel like the only one who really put ten years of their life in, only to have to walk away into nothing and with nothing.... i dont even have to ask people( and believe me, i really dont ask) and everyone tells me "oh he seems really happy, he seems really great" and i feel sad because i dont feel really happy or really great. it also makes me feel responsible in away that i dont usually feel. and i reply thats great, i'm glad for him because part of me is and part of me isnt.... the first time we broke up, i tried to get through by telling myself "he's not sitting at home crying over me, why should i do the same?" and that was true of the situation....he moved on and while it hurt, it made me have to move on too, maybe not to someone new but at least to the next section of my life. i dont know whats going on in his life, because i dont ask anybody...not because i dont want to know but more because i dont want to seem like i want to know and because if i know, it might hurt me even more than not knowing...foolish i realize but at some point in feeling so alone, i feel really like i have to protect myself. it goes back to moments like the phone call....i would answered and i would have talked to him if he had called me...and even if he called me back i would have answered. but reciprocation isnt there and maybe never was....i know he'll never call....it goes back to knowing him and knowing that somehow he can walk away from all of this into whatevers next....in any other situation, i admired that ability...but in being the recipient, its more difficult that even the worst moments of the actual relationship. like i said, this blog isnt always for the exact uplifting tidbit, its really for me to work through all the thoughts in my head including those like this...where a person stands on the edge looking back and has to ask herself what was that? and how do you tell if it even mattered to them?and why does it matter to me that it matter to him? i know rationally that it really shouldnt matter whether or not it matters to him or it hurts him or whatever....but i cant help feeling that way right now.... and whats even sadder is that people dont admit that in their saddest moments, they feel like this too...

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

I know how you feel. Really, I do!