Monday, January 26, 2009

lets just get this last one out of the way

so things have been going well...i'm coming up with a plan and focusing on how i can do what i want to do with as little work as possible...i got turned down for 3 jobs this week...and really i dont even care.... because i have faith that i can make things happen the way i want them to at least for a little while.... so i'm cool...i've got plans and i have asked people to help me implement those plans.... last week a sweet old lady that i like died....thats obviously a natural theme where i live.... whats not a natural theme though is the evil that people are...i ran into someone that i havent seen in a long time...pre-breakup even....and she asked me about jb and how i was...i just said i broke up with him about 4 months ago....she said....but of course you're happier right? and the answer in honest terms is ....i dont think i'm not happier without him...its part of the struggle i'm having...i know i cant go back but i'm not happier without him...did she ask me if my life is less stressful without him? no and if she did thats a different answer....yes my life is less stressful...but no its not any happier than it was when i was with him...why? i think because the things that make me happy on a daily basis, he knew how to address and did...its the big picture that we didnt have...whats worse though is that this person was really hoping that i would say "YES MY LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT HIM!!!!!" so she could go on and on about how much she didnt like him and what a piece of shit he was etc etc etc....and i didnt give her that in my answer....its funny because i mentioned this whole conversation to my friend mo and she said " i bet she was disappointed in your answer" and for real, she was....and i wasnt...i dont think i should have to lie to make other people feel ok...its part of the secrets bullshit that i no longer choose to participate i am not happier without him....yes i do still miss life is different...i cant say better or worse...just different...i know what i want....and i no longer am willing to compromise....or be who i am not...last week i saw his daughter...i talked to her because what else should i do...ignore her...i loved that little girl for 11 years....maybe she didnt love me back but that doesnt excuse my feelings for her....she seemed surprised..and i dont care...i do keep up on what she does...thats what we talked about...she seemed surprised but kind of relieved....she and my own daughter are innocent bystanders of our own mess....i dont stop loving a kid just because her dad said so.... just like obama...when you take someone as your family you dont just let them fade away...i cant be as active or as influential in her life as i would like to be but i can give her what i can, when i can....and i feel that way toward all his family....i want the best for her...i want her life to be better....i want her to be the best she can be...even if no one else believes that for her.... so i keep trucking along knowing that my wishes are ok and worthwhile....and that some peoples are not and thats ok....

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